Life’s a reality? Or is it just a dream?
Dear emily,
Today we fought again.
On the same issue. It was all my fault. But. Him with his words. So sharp it went through my soul. He made me feel so low about myself. Congrats you.
He said his entire family wasnt pleased with me and scared of me. Im sorry.
He said i was selfish. Yet again. Im sorry.
He said i was a bad mother. Indirectly. Again. Because i dont put my own baby to sleep. He had to do it each night. Im sorry.
Im sorry that was actually a burden for u to do it and all along i thought it was parenting. Its called responsibility. I swear i thought u do everything out of goodwill & you were a good husband & a father. Therefore, i am sorry for painfully giving birth to her. I am sorry.
Dear me, today i finally opened up to him. I told him about my depression. But. He didnt care less. Again. Even after countless times i told him. I tried. To him, its nothing. Its hard to talk to someone who dont understand. Its even harder to talk to someone that do not want to understand.
All i wanted was a listening ear and comfort.
I dont ask much. Whenever im down & feel really low about myself (just out of nowhere), i wish that you could just bring your arms and reach out to me and just hug me. And just make me feel better. I dont ask much.
Just. A. Hug.
Im just longing for a hug. From you. My husband. My companion. My life.
And so i thought. I just wish these are all a dream.
So i walked out of the house to get a breather. I can see from his eyes that he hates me now. I can see. His eyes. Hates me so much.
Leave or stay? I dont feel the love from him anymore.
But Ariana, my love. U kept me strong. Im sorry for the times I unexpectedly yelled at u cos u were being difficult. I really sorry my love. Sometimes it got too overwhelming.
To my husband, how sometimes i wish that i die while giving birth to your children. There and then will you believe me. And you can continue living your life without me. I just needed your comfort. A safe zone for me. To share my problems and what makes me sad. When u have me at my highest, how i wish you will be there for me at my lowest. But u didnt. I can sometimes hear those silent laughters from you. I am nothing.
But. Thats just a reality. Right?