Fic-sorta
Title: 75 Things Kenren Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The Army
Author: Madame_Maya
Ratings: Depends on the line. Anywhere from K to M.
Pairing(s): None, unless you stnad on your head shake it around a lot.
Warnings (if any): Some of the lines are a little questionable, lol.
Summary: Title says it all, really. A list of things Kenren is no longer allowed to do in the army.
1. Must not swap the Bodhitsavvas’ mouth wash with vodka and green food coloring. She is a scary drunk and will attempt to hit on anything that comes within ten feet of her.
2. Must not do the same for anyone else’s mouthwash.
3. Must not spike the Emperors’ tea stock with tequila. He is also a scary drunk, though in a different way.
4. Angry orders to ‘use my fucking head’ during my missions do not refer to the head in my pants.
5. Must not offer to let youkai free if they perform sexual favors for me.
6. Must not sulk for a week after being told this.
7. Must not drink a gallon of blue food coloring before my required yearly physical. It’s not amusing and gives the doctor a heart attack.
8. Must not walk out wearing the paper gown they give me, even if they DID forget to give me back my clothes.
9. Must not sneak food coloring into anyone else’s drinks and/or food before THEIR physical.
10. Especially not red food coloring.
11. Must not sneak food coloring into their food and/or drinks any other time, either.
12. Must not ask Bodhitsavva if she can only sire children or have them herself. She will answer and/or try to prove it.
13. Must not ask Commander Goujun if his scales go below his waist.
14. Must not ask Commander Goujun if he wears so many clothes because he is ticklish. Nor must I attempt to find out if this is true myself.
15. Must not sing ‘We’re off to see the wizard!’ when leaving on a mission, no matter how many people start to sing along with me.
16. Must not use gun to poke/goose people with, on the grounds that it’s the only thing it’s good for.
17. Must not tell new subordinates that I house youkai souls in my skull pendant. Some will believe me.
18. Casual dress does not mean we’re supposed to wear a real dress.
19. Must not convince subordinates this is true.
20. Must not convince subordinates that said dress must be black, skimpy, and made of leather. This is disturbing, not funny.
21. Must not drink sake while in formation, unless I brought enough for everyone.
22. (Next day) Must not drink sake in formation even if I DID bring enough for everyone.
23. Must not belch in audience chamber, especially while someone is speaking.
24. Must not pin blame for said belch on higher-ranking officers, even if it is believable.
25. Same with burping.
26. And farting.
27. And any other sound I or anyone else can think of.
28. Must not take a bath or swim in the Bodhitsavvas’ pond.
29. Especially without clothes on. There are fish in there.
30. Do not convince subordinates to do it either, on the grounds that it is an official initiation for the army. It’s not funny, and they WILL think I’m telling the truth.
31. Must not bring any animal from lower Earth up to Heaven to be ‘Heaven’s official mascot’.
32. Especially not a cat. Li Touten and Konzen Douji are both allergic to them.
33. Must not swap cushions of their chairs with pillows filled with cat hairs after finding this out.
34. Or swap anything else with a cat hair-filled duplicate.
35. Or anything else I can think of that includes cats or cat hair.
36. Must not ask someone else to think of it for me.
37. Must not sulk a month after realizing they thought of everything I can do with cats or cat hair.
38. Must not yell ‘Dude, your fly’s open!’ while someone I don’t like is speaking in the audience chamber, no matter how interesting a color they turn.
39. Must not tie a bow or any other hair accessory to the end of Commander Goujun’s braid while he is in front of me and not paying attention. I am not a hair stylist, nor does he find it amusing. And he has a mean left hook that WILL break something if I ever attempt to do this again.
40. Must not attempt to do so on anyone else hair, either.
41. Must not spike bath incense with aphrodisiacs and hide in the bushes outside under the windows to see what happens.
42. Must not spike bath incense with aphrodisiacs even if I DON’T hide in the bushes outside the windows to see what happens.
43. Also must not spike coffee with aphrodisiacs. Tenpou drinks it sometimes and can be very persuasive.
44. The first thing to say when waking up in Tenpous’ bed after this is not ‘!@#%$$!#%’ or anything of the like. He will punch me.
45. Bodhitsavva also drinks it once in awhile. This is frightening to everyone, not just Jiroushin.
46. Must not ask Commander Goujun if he needs any help ‘getting that stick out of his ass.’ He does not find this amusing, and, again, has a mean left hook that will break something if I ask him again.
47. His wife can be scary. I should not ask her if she can help him with it instead, as she also has a pretty good left hook herself.
48. Even if she does snicker when I ask this. She only thinks it’s funny the first time.
49. Commander Goujun does not trust me within ten feet of his wife, even if I am just asking her a question.
50. ‘I was drunk.’ is not an excuse for misconduct to anyone but Tenpou. And Tenpou can always tell if I’m drunk, as he was probably with me at the time.
51. ‘Mad ninja skills’ is not something to put on my resume.
52. Nor is ‘Great in bed’.
53. No matter how many people will say this is true.
54. Must not petition this. It wastes paper.
55. ‘The leprechauns made me do it!’ is not a viable excuse. For anything.
56. Must not undress superiors with my eyes while they’re giving me orders, male or female. It makes them blush, stutter, and say the wrong things.
57. Must not follow the orders this makes them say, even if they are ‘damn interesting sounding’.
58. Tenpou is an exception to this. He will just bend me over his desk and fuck the hell out of me while still giving me the orders.
59. He expects me to listen during this.
60. Commander Goujun is also an exception to this. He will assign me something very unpleasant if he thinks I’m doing anything remotely of the sort. Or punch me if it’s overly obvious and I do it in front of others, particularly his wife.
61. Must not look at or speak to his wife in any way that could be considered the least bit inappropriate or flirtatious. He is scarily possessive of her and doesn’t trust me the least little bit off the battlefield.
62. If he doesn’t punch me for it, she will. No matter who the hell is around.
63. Must not ‘teach a lesson to’ anyone who sees his and finds this amusing. They do not deserve it.
64. Must not attempt to sell popcorn and fizzy drinks during a briefing, even if the guy is ‘fucking boring and not paying attention to any of us anyway’.
65. Even if Tenpou helps, or it was his idea.
66. Must not give Commander Goujun a daily migraine. This puts him in a bad mood, and he will give me an especially hard assignment if he thinks I’m responsible for it.
67. Must not admit that I like the hard ones. He will stop giving me them and find something even more unpleasant for me to do.
68. Must not tell all of Heaven that clothing is optional the third Friday of every month. The ugly ones will be the ones that believe me.
69. Must stop trying to catch Goujun with his wife to get incriminating pictures.
70. Especially when one or both of them is drunk.
71. Must stop snickering during briefings when any of the following numbers are mentioned: Four, eleven, forty-five, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy-seven, or ninety-nine.
72. Or any other number that is also a sexual position.
73. Must not use such detail when explaining WHY I’m snickering. It gives Commander Goujun a headache.
74. Even if it does put him in a better mood in the morning.
75. Must not give coffee to the monkey. Konzen will kill me next time. Especially if it has aphrodisiacs in it.
Feel free to give me some to add, lol.
Author: Madame_Maya
Ratings: Depends on the line. Anywhere from K to M.
Pairing(s): None, unless you stnad on your head shake it around a lot.
Warnings (if any): Some of the lines are a little questionable, lol.
Summary: Title says it all, really. A list of things Kenren is no longer allowed to do in the army.
1. Must not swap the Bodhitsavvas’ mouth wash with vodka and green food coloring. She is a scary drunk and will attempt to hit on anything that comes within ten feet of her.
2. Must not do the same for anyone else’s mouthwash.
3. Must not spike the Emperors’ tea stock with tequila. He is also a scary drunk, though in a different way.
4. Angry orders to ‘use my fucking head’ during my missions do not refer to the head in my pants.
5. Must not offer to let youkai free if they perform sexual favors for me.
6. Must not sulk for a week after being told this.
7. Must not drink a gallon of blue food coloring before my required yearly physical. It’s not amusing and gives the doctor a heart attack.
8. Must not walk out wearing the paper gown they give me, even if they DID forget to give me back my clothes.
9. Must not sneak food coloring into anyone else’s drinks and/or food before THEIR physical.
10. Especially not red food coloring.
11. Must not sneak food coloring into their food and/or drinks any other time, either.
12. Must not ask Bodhitsavva if she can only sire children or have them herself. She will answer and/or try to prove it.
13. Must not ask Commander Goujun if his scales go below his waist.
14. Must not ask Commander Goujun if he wears so many clothes because he is ticklish. Nor must I attempt to find out if this is true myself.
15. Must not sing ‘We’re off to see the wizard!’ when leaving on a mission, no matter how many people start to sing along with me.
16. Must not use gun to poke/goose people with, on the grounds that it’s the only thing it’s good for.
17. Must not tell new subordinates that I house youkai souls in my skull pendant. Some will believe me.
18. Casual dress does not mean we’re supposed to wear a real dress.
19. Must not convince subordinates this is true.
20. Must not convince subordinates that said dress must be black, skimpy, and made of leather. This is disturbing, not funny.
21. Must not drink sake while in formation, unless I brought enough for everyone.
22. (Next day) Must not drink sake in formation even if I DID bring enough for everyone.
23. Must not belch in audience chamber, especially while someone is speaking.
24. Must not pin blame for said belch on higher-ranking officers, even if it is believable.
25. Same with burping.
26. And farting.
27. And any other sound I or anyone else can think of.
28. Must not take a bath or swim in the Bodhitsavvas’ pond.
29. Especially without clothes on. There are fish in there.
30. Do not convince subordinates to do it either, on the grounds that it is an official initiation for the army. It’s not funny, and they WILL think I’m telling the truth.
31. Must not bring any animal from lower Earth up to Heaven to be ‘Heaven’s official mascot’.
32. Especially not a cat. Li Touten and Konzen Douji are both allergic to them.
33. Must not swap cushions of their chairs with pillows filled with cat hairs after finding this out.
34. Or swap anything else with a cat hair-filled duplicate.
35. Or anything else I can think of that includes cats or cat hair.
36. Must not ask someone else to think of it for me.
37. Must not sulk a month after realizing they thought of everything I can do with cats or cat hair.
38. Must not yell ‘Dude, your fly’s open!’ while someone I don’t like is speaking in the audience chamber, no matter how interesting a color they turn.
39. Must not tie a bow or any other hair accessory to the end of Commander Goujun’s braid while he is in front of me and not paying attention. I am not a hair stylist, nor does he find it amusing. And he has a mean left hook that WILL break something if I ever attempt to do this again.
40. Must not attempt to do so on anyone else hair, either.
41. Must not spike bath incense with aphrodisiacs and hide in the bushes outside under the windows to see what happens.
42. Must not spike bath incense with aphrodisiacs even if I DON’T hide in the bushes outside the windows to see what happens.
43. Also must not spike coffee with aphrodisiacs. Tenpou drinks it sometimes and can be very persuasive.
44. The first thing to say when waking up in Tenpous’ bed after this is not ‘!@#%$$!#%’ or anything of the like. He will punch me.
45. Bodhitsavva also drinks it once in awhile. This is frightening to everyone, not just Jiroushin.
46. Must not ask Commander Goujun if he needs any help ‘getting that stick out of his ass.’ He does not find this amusing, and, again, has a mean left hook that will break something if I ask him again.
47. His wife can be scary. I should not ask her if she can help him with it instead, as she also has a pretty good left hook herself.
48. Even if she does snicker when I ask this. She only thinks it’s funny the first time.
49. Commander Goujun does not trust me within ten feet of his wife, even if I am just asking her a question.
50. ‘I was drunk.’ is not an excuse for misconduct to anyone but Tenpou. And Tenpou can always tell if I’m drunk, as he was probably with me at the time.
51. ‘Mad ninja skills’ is not something to put on my resume.
52. Nor is ‘Great in bed’.
53. No matter how many people will say this is true.
54. Must not petition this. It wastes paper.
55. ‘The leprechauns made me do it!’ is not a viable excuse. For anything.
56. Must not undress superiors with my eyes while they’re giving me orders, male or female. It makes them blush, stutter, and say the wrong things.
57. Must not follow the orders this makes them say, even if they are ‘damn interesting sounding’.
58. Tenpou is an exception to this. He will just bend me over his desk and fuck the hell out of me while still giving me the orders.
59. He expects me to listen during this.
60. Commander Goujun is also an exception to this. He will assign me something very unpleasant if he thinks I’m doing anything remotely of the sort. Or punch me if it’s overly obvious and I do it in front of others, particularly his wife.
61. Must not look at or speak to his wife in any way that could be considered the least bit inappropriate or flirtatious. He is scarily possessive of her and doesn’t trust me the least little bit off the battlefield.
62. If he doesn’t punch me for it, she will. No matter who the hell is around.
63. Must not ‘teach a lesson to’ anyone who sees his and finds this amusing. They do not deserve it.
64. Must not attempt to sell popcorn and fizzy drinks during a briefing, even if the guy is ‘fucking boring and not paying attention to any of us anyway’.
65. Even if Tenpou helps, or it was his idea.
66. Must not give Commander Goujun a daily migraine. This puts him in a bad mood, and he will give me an especially hard assignment if he thinks I’m responsible for it.
67. Must not admit that I like the hard ones. He will stop giving me them and find something even more unpleasant for me to do.
68. Must not tell all of Heaven that clothing is optional the third Friday of every month. The ugly ones will be the ones that believe me.
69. Must stop trying to catch Goujun with his wife to get incriminating pictures.
70. Especially when one or both of them is drunk.
71. Must stop snickering during briefings when any of the following numbers are mentioned: Four, eleven, forty-five, sixty-eight, sixty-nine, seventy-seven, or ninety-nine.
72. Or any other number that is also a sexual position.
73. Must not use such detail when explaining WHY I’m snickering. It gives Commander Goujun a headache.
74. Even if it does put him in a better mood in the morning.
75. Must not give coffee to the monkey. Konzen will kill me next time. Especially if it has aphrodisiacs in it.
Feel free to give me some to add, lol.