I'm always left out...*rant*
Every year our high school basketball team goes to state, and every year so far, I've been too broke to buy a ticket and a bus seat to go (I need a job...now). It looks like tons of fun, not to mention the fact that all my friends abandon me on those two or three days of the tournament.
Today was no different.
I know my friends (most of them anyway) are in band, so they HAVE to go, but somehow, I still feel betrayed and lonely as they talk about the game and how much fun it will be before skipping off to the buses that takes them to Madison. I'm starting to think they don't realize I have feelings of my own. That I'm always strong and able to take care of my own problems while listening and helping them with thiers. I do know how to stick up for myself (my stepfather made sure of that...), but there's just some times I want a friend to hold me and listen to my problems for once. I mean they do do that, but not in the way I'd want them too. I used to do that with my two friends Amanda and Grace back in Washington all the time. But I can't really do that too often seeing as about three thousend miles seperates me from them. I love my friends here, but I'm homesick, now more than ever.
I want to go home, back to Washington, where everything is familiar and I could walk through Olympia blind-folded. I want to smell the sea in the air and roam the rainforest and go and walk to my old school and swing on the very same swing I used to swing on when I was five. I want familiarity, I want belonging, I want to wake up every morning smelling pine trees and flowers. I want to go to Baskin Robbins with my grandpa like I always used to. I want to kiss him on the cheek and tell him how much I love him and listen to his stories and jokes, because I know that someday soon, I won't be able to. That someday very soon, I will never see him again, and it breaks my heart to even think of it. I want to help my grandma cook and wash dishes, even though I used to hate doing so. I want to watch and help her sew, and have a meaningful conversation with her. I want to cuddle up next to my dad, who I rarely ever see, though looks so much like me. I want to play with my cousins and lead them on expeditions through the forests and parks only a few yards from thier house. I want to talk to my uncle, and have him show me how to fix an engine, even though I might not fully understand what he's saying. I want to read books with Amanda and catch up on all the years I've missed of her life. I want to talk about Egypt with Grace, the only one I can, my oldest and most faithful of friends. I want to walk through Oly (high school), the school I had always believed I would one day go, and look around and see all the faces I remember from childhood. I want to go to the park I used to always go to as a kid and play on the jungle gym like nothing has changed in the last ten years. I want to look out towards the sky and see mountains there, towering over the landscape. I want to go and swim in the ocean, just like I did so many times before, sqealing and giggling as I plunge into the icy water. I want to to sit and have dinner with my family, the family I now so rarely get to see, and just enjoy the fact that they are there, with me. I want to play mini-golf with my dad every weekend and not care if I win or lose. I want to call my father 'Daddy', just like I always have, despite how old I get every time I say it. I want to run out into the rain and smile as it drenches my clothes. I want...I want...I want...
I want many things. But most importantly, I want to go home.
Today was no different.
I know my friends (most of them anyway) are in band, so they HAVE to go, but somehow, I still feel betrayed and lonely as they talk about the game and how much fun it will be before skipping off to the buses that takes them to Madison. I'm starting to think they don't realize I have feelings of my own. That I'm always strong and able to take care of my own problems while listening and helping them with thiers. I do know how to stick up for myself (my stepfather made sure of that...), but there's just some times I want a friend to hold me and listen to my problems for once. I mean they do do that, but not in the way I'd want them too. I used to do that with my two friends Amanda and Grace back in Washington all the time. But I can't really do that too often seeing as about three thousend miles seperates me from them. I love my friends here, but I'm homesick, now more than ever.
I want to go home, back to Washington, where everything is familiar and I could walk through Olympia blind-folded. I want to smell the sea in the air and roam the rainforest and go and walk to my old school and swing on the very same swing I used to swing on when I was five. I want familiarity, I want belonging, I want to wake up every morning smelling pine trees and flowers. I want to go to Baskin Robbins with my grandpa like I always used to. I want to kiss him on the cheek and tell him how much I love him and listen to his stories and jokes, because I know that someday soon, I won't be able to. That someday very soon, I will never see him again, and it breaks my heart to even think of it. I want to help my grandma cook and wash dishes, even though I used to hate doing so. I want to watch and help her sew, and have a meaningful conversation with her. I want to cuddle up next to my dad, who I rarely ever see, though looks so much like me. I want to play with my cousins and lead them on expeditions through the forests and parks only a few yards from thier house. I want to talk to my uncle, and have him show me how to fix an engine, even though I might not fully understand what he's saying. I want to read books with Amanda and catch up on all the years I've missed of her life. I want to talk about Egypt with Grace, the only one I can, my oldest and most faithful of friends. I want to walk through Oly (high school), the school I had always believed I would one day go, and look around and see all the faces I remember from childhood. I want to go to the park I used to always go to as a kid and play on the jungle gym like nothing has changed in the last ten years. I want to look out towards the sky and see mountains there, towering over the landscape. I want to go and swim in the ocean, just like I did so many times before, sqealing and giggling as I plunge into the icy water. I want to to sit and have dinner with my family, the family I now so rarely get to see, and just enjoy the fact that they are there, with me. I want to play mini-golf with my dad every weekend and not care if I win or lose. I want to call my father 'Daddy', just like I always have, despite how old I get every time I say it. I want to run out into the rain and smile as it drenches my clothes. I want...I want...I want...
I want many things. But most importantly, I want to go home.