Drabbles~~
A comedy one-shot for your amusement (and mine)~~
Title: You're Obviously Not Normal...
Genre: Comedy
Warnings: Swearing, Threatening Violence
Type: One-Shot
Description: Hijikata, Sougou and Kondo have some rather upsetting news for Gintoki
- how will he respond the this most grave of situations?!
You’re Obviously Not Normal….
~~~~~
It had been awhile since they had all been together like this, which - despite the circumstances - made Gintoki feel a little happier. However, as those stern, rough faces stared at him from the other side of the table, he couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of foreboding about the whole situation.
‘Hey, Oogushi-kun? What’s this all about?’ he asked finally, the silence getting too much for him. He idly picked his ear as he waited for a response. After Hijikata, Kondo and Sougou had exchanged glances, Hijikata cleared his throat.
‘This is an intervention.’ he said steadily, closing his eyes as if to deflect whatever look Gintoki was going to give him. Gintoki merely blinked and sat forward in his seat.
‘Intervention? Intervention for who? Me?’ he asked languidly, his listless eyes resting softly on Hijikata. Sougou was the next to clear his throat and sat forward to be closer to Gintoki.
‘We think you have a serious problem boss - we think we should do something about it before it’s too late.’ Gintoki blinked and uttered a “huh?” as he leaned back in his seat, stroking his chin as he observed the three critically.
‘So…you’re conducting an intervention…because you’re worried about my health…is that right?’ they nodded ‘I see….and could I ask - if this problem is so serious, and I am in danger of doing something that could possibly hurt me…could I ask…why you three?’ he said bluntly. The three men looked at one another before shyly bowing their heads.
‘Shinpachi, Otae and Otose asked us if we would…’ Kondo murmured, shying away from Gintoki in case of retaliation. To their apparent astonishment, the perm-headed youth merely started laughing - seemingly finding the whole affair quite amusing.
‘Hey you curly moron! This is serious!’ Hijikata barked. Gintoki only smiled and leaned forward in his seat, resting his arms on the table.
‘Ah I bet it is, so what is it? Gambling? Drinking? I don’t drink that much do I? I mean how else am I supposed to have some fun…so I come home late sometimes…or the next day - so what?! I’m a grown man! I can make my own choices!’ his voice raised. Kondo pleaded with him to calm down.
‘It’s not about that! Partially…well half - but hear us out! This is really serious!’ Gintoki sighed irritably and sat back in his seat, folding his arms sharply. The trio sighed with relief as the attention they were receiving died down. Sougou’s attention seemed elsewhere, so Gintoki focused all his rage onto Hijikata - which suited him.
‘Well? What’s this stupid intervention for then?’ he seethed. Kondo gulped and Hijikata knew he was going to have to be the one who spoke for the group, even though they had all agreed to do this together. Seeming to calm himself Hijikata opened his eyes and lit a cigarette.
‘You’re not going to like this Sakata, not one bit.’ Gintoki frowned, and panic invaded his body - Kondo and Sougou looked frightened; Sougou even looked primed to run. Shinpachi, Otae and Otose had chosen these three for a purpose. To deliver very bad news.
‘Hey Oogushi-kun…why are you shaking? What the hell’s going on here?’ Hijikata seemed to consider something and then decided to deliver the killing blow.
‘Well you see…you went to go see the doctor not that long ago right? A routine check-up.’ Gintoki acknowledged this ‘You never went back to pick up the results and as it happens, Shinpachi was there for a check-up as well so picked up yours and reviewed them.’ he stopped to take a long draw of his cigarette ‘Long story short…you’re going to have to give up sweets and alcohol or you’re going to die.’ Gintoki didn’t move, mutter or blink.
‘He asked us to deliver the message…because he said if he did, you might just dismiss it.’ said Sougou quickly, his legs already facing to the side. All three of them braced themselves as Gintoki rose from his seat slowly but all he did was turn and walk away, heading towards the door. Hijikata rose quickly and ran in front of him to stop him.
‘Gintoki! Don’t do anything stupid now! It’s just sweets and booze! You can live without them!’ Hijikata squealed when Gintoki hand made contact with his face, his fingertips dug into the flesh slightly as the young man’s head slowly rose to reveal eyes twisted with malice.
‘Only sweets and booze? Only sweets and booze?! Do you understand what you’ve just told me!?’ he screamed, throwing Hijikata backwards with enough force to cause him to stumble. He took a deep breath.
‘That’s like taking mayonnaise away from the Mayora king!! What can you possibly say to that?! Hey Mayora king? How’s the salad dressing?!’ Gintoki pointed his finger at Hijikata with rage.
‘So Mayora king! Tell me how that makes you feel to have your mayonnaise taken away from you! Does it feel like the babe has been torn from your breast?! Don’t worry Mayora king! There’s plenty of alternatives! Just have a banana or an apple! They’re natural sweets aren’t they?!’ Kondo and Sougou had since hidden under the table - as had most of the inhabitants of the small shop.
‘Christ he’s gone berserk hasn’t he?’ Kondo whispered to Sougou quietly as Gintoki stamped past them breathing heavily.
‘Non-alcohol beer is great isn’t it Mayora king?! I can have it along with my banana when I go to the bar can’t I Mayora king?! Maybe I’ll just wait till the banana is fermenting and then eat it Mayora king!!’ he screamed, backing the terrified Hijikata into a corner.
‘Bat-shit insane sir.’ concluded Sougou. He didn’t like the fact Gintoki was in so much distress about the situation, but he did like the fact there was a good chance he would disembowel Hijikata in his fit of rage. Despite how much he enjoyed the thought of Hijikata being gutted, he had to try and stop this for Gintoki’s sake. Climbing out from under the table, he cupped his hands around his mouth.
‘Hey boss! Even if you can’t have proper sweets or alcohol anymore, there’s one thing you’ve still got! One thing they can’t take away from you!’ he shouted, as if trying to puncture the aura of hurt Gintoki had projected around himself. It stopped Gintoki though, and he turned to face Sougou still breathing harshly.
‘What?!’ Sougou removed his hands from his mouth and pointed in Gintoki’s direction with a plain expression.
‘Your dick.’
The room went silent; all that could be heard was the faint tittering of frightened customers. Gintoki’s breathing slowed and the aura of hurt faded.
‘….good point.’ he said finally and Hijikata sank to the floor with relief. Now that some of the bloodlust in the air had depleted, he took the time to raise the cigarette that had long ago fallen from his mouth back to his lips and took a long, hard draw.
‘See thing is Gintoki, you feel alright now - but the doctor’s report concluded if you kept on at the pace you’re going you’d be in serious trouble in less than a month.’ Hijikata shakily got to his feet and placed a friendly hand on his shoulder.
‘You don’t have to listen to us, we know that. Think of everyone who cares about you Sakata.’ he said meaningfully. Kondo, who had still be cowering under the table until this point, smashed his head on it as he hastily made his way up.
‘We care about you too Gintoki! Don’t forget about that!’
Oh yeah? Why where you hiding under that table till now then?
Gintoki didn’t know how to deal with all this unwelcome knowledge, and simply sighed. Removing Hijikata’s hand, he uttered a thank you and made his way to the exit. Just before the door, he stopped and looked over his shoulder at the trio now together in the middle of the room.
‘If this is some kind of joke, I’ll hunt you all down and rip your balls off.’ and with that, he kicked through the door and made his way out into the street; leaving the trio with horrified expressions. Once the owner was certain Gintoki was a good distance away, he ran to Hijikata with a ladle in his hands.
‘What should I do?! Should I call the police?!’ he said in an agonising way. Hijikata grunted and put out the cigarette as it died.
‘We are the Police.’ the man gasped in disbelief. ‘We’ll pay for the damages. Make the receipt out to this man.’ he said, pointing his thumb in the direction of Kondo, who sagged.
~~~~~~~
Gintoki wasn’t sure what to do - he had intended going for a parfait after the meeting. He simply walked. Walked and walked until his feet could bear it no more; it was at that point the realised he’d been walking all day and it was now early evening. Sighing, he made his way over to the small tent harbouring a bar that he was fond of. He ordered what he usually did and sighed again, thinking that all the nonsense that happened that day was just some horrible nightmare. Picking up the little cup of sake, he inhaled it graciously before drinking. He smiled as he felt the warmth of the drink cascade within him. That was when something he hadn’t been expecting happened. His face twisted as pain ripped through his abdomen, causing him to double-over and gasp. The searing, red hot pain tore into his stomach causing him to cry out. The barman quickly grabbed a phone in order to call an ambulance - but Gintoki stopped him, finding that as quickly as the pain had come, it subsided. Swallowing and wiping his now moist brow, he seriously considered that what those three had told him had indeed been the truth - that if he kept drinking and eating sweets he would die within the month. Finally, after he had regained his composure, he paid and left the bar, setting off home.
This is a nightmare…I’m dreaming aren’t I? Oh god I hope this isn’t reality….
He put his hand on his stomach where the pain had cut him in half and thought of what Hijikata had said. On arriving home, he gulped and entered, half-heartedly announcing his entrance. He was surprised when Kagura and Shinpachi came to greet him, both with serious meaningful expressions on their faces. With a pained expression, he patted their heads and made his way to his room, sliding the door shut quietly. Shinpachi sighed.
‘Poor Gin…the doctor’s told him before about this and he just didn’t listen.’ he wrung his hands nervously. ‘Do you think Hijikata and the others got through to him?’ Kagura picked her nose with fervour.
‘I hope so…but what is Gin going to do without his sweets and his sake? He’ll be even more of a loser uh-huh!’ Shinpachi shook his head.
‘I really don’t know…we’re just going to have to be supportive of him alright? Then…’ he paused, looking a little puzzled. ‘Gin needs sugar though…because he’s hypoglycaemic….’ They thought for a moment, then dismissed it and carried on with what they had been doing, being careful to be quiet, as not to disturb Gintoki. The next morning, Kagura and Sadaharu had gone out early for their walk and Gintoki was alone when he woke. His head was pounding and he felt rather sick.
This is no good…this is no good! Did I bang the nail in the coffin last night? Have I ended myself?! No, no, no….just calm down…you need sugar that’s what’s wrong….wait…
Reality smacked Gintoki hard as he realised all of his sweet stashes had disappeared overnight. Checking in drawers and secret hiding places, he had to accept that Shinpachi and Kagura had cleaned him out. Sitting on the sofa, he held his head in anguish.
This is too much! This is really too much! I’m going to die! I’m going to die!
He felt like he wanted to scream - and he would have if he hadn’t heard Shinpachi’s cheerful calls. On entering the living room Shinpachi found a very frustrated Gin on his hands.
‘Hey, Shinpachi…what’s with taking all the sugar out of the house huh? What’s with raiding all my stashes huh….you even took down my GLUCOSE poster!!’ he shouted pointing to the empty space above his desk. Taking a breath, Gintoki exhaled and rubbed his face with his hand.
‘Sorry…I just need my sugar fix…I feel like a heroin addict for Christ’ sake!’ he groaned with his head in his hands. Shinpachi just smiled and handed a little tub of pills to Gintoki, before walking through to the kitchen and unloading some of the other groceries he’d taken the courtesy of buying. Gintoki curled his head around the door and shook the bottle of pills gingerly.
‘Hey…what’s this?’ he asked softly.
‘Those are glucose tablets - if you need a quick fix.’ he turned to look at him with a gentle expression ‘The remedy though is just eating correctly Gin.’ He said half-heartedly as he winced at the expression on Gintoki’s face.
‘I’m supposed to take two of these little pills…instead of my Chocolate Parfait?’ he said in disbelief. Shinpachi smiled nervously.
‘Don’t worry, you’ll benefit from it in later life…you’ll have later life, for example’ he said with an even tone, being sure not to make eye contact - even thought he could still feel Gintoki’s eyes burning into the back of his skull.
‘I bought some juice boxes and soda too - they’ll give you a boost when you need it….Gin?’ Gintoki had since left the kitchen and was now in the living room staring at the little tub of pills. Shinpachi stood behind him, holding a can of soda.
‘Hey…Shin…you think if I was to down all those glucose pills with a can of soda I’d overdose and die?’ Shinpachi cocked an eyebrow.
‘Um…no I don’t think so…’
He paused.
‘…pity.’ Shinpachi physically sagged.
‘Gin! Don’t say things like that!’ Shinpachi started, as Gin picked up his doctor’s report from the table to read it. ‘Okay so you can’t have Chocolate Parfait’s anymore - um…that’s not such a bad thing! They’re so unhealthy for you!’ he managed. Gintoki was silent though and continued to read.
‘And the drinking thing - you always come home smelling of booze, or even worse puke! Maybe now you can’t have either of these things you’ll be more popular with the girls!’ he said triumphantly.
‘….Hey….Shin…’
‘Just think, you’ll be really healthy and girls will like you!’
‘Shin…’
‘Well…until they get to know all your other horrible little habits I guess…’
‘Shinpachi!’ Shinpachi stopped and paid attention to Gintoki, he was still behind him and couldn’t see his face.
‘Yes?’
‘You picked this up…at the doctor’s six days ago right?’ he said quietly. Shinpachi thought for a moment then nodded.
‘Yeah, six days ago. Why?’ Gintoki stood suddenly, but didn’t turn round.
‘You picked it up six days ago…and you picked it up because it said G. Sakata on the name…right?’ Shinpachi uttered a yes and Gintoki turned to face him slowly, his head down and the report held loosely in his hand by his thigh.
‘Shinpachi…I only went to the doctor four days ago…my blood tests wouldn’t be processed yet…not only that, Shinpachi, but this G. Sakata…did you happen to look at what the G stands for? Did you?’ Shinpachi suddenly knew that he was in serious danger of having precious parts of his anatomy ripped off and shrunk back a little just in case he was to suddenly strike.
‘Um…well, I didn’t really think to…now that I think about it.’ Gintoki, instead of shouting, or screaming suddenly burst into laugher. Manic, insane laugher, but still laughter.
‘GITAKA! GITAKA SAKATA!’ he screamed, his features that of twisted delight. ‘HE’S NINETY SIX AND HAS TYPE-2 DIABETES!’ Laughing hysterically, he proceeded to throw his arms up in the air. ‘I CAN’T BELIEVE MY FRIENDS DID THIS TO ME! GOD! GOD ARE YOU UP THERE?! WHY DO YOU HATE GINTOKI!?’ Shinpachi was blown away by the sheer epic-ness of his outburst. As quickly and as loudly it had begun, the mania ended in undertones of despair. With maddened eyes and a blood thirsty aura, a smile curled across Gintoki’s face.
‘Shinpachi…get all my sweets back in an hour or I’m going to kill everyone. You, Oogushi-kun, Gorilla - Everyone.’ As Shinpachi fled the house as fast as his legs could carry him, Gintoki sat down and pondered what had caused the horrendous pain in his stomach the previous night…perhaps it had been the stress of the news, or because he hadn’t had his sugar - maybe even because he had an empty stomach. Regardless, the report was not for him, and he was safe. Sighing, he popped the report in his Kimono and set about taking the report back to the clinic, smiling about horrendous thoughts he was thinking as he walked.
~~~~~~
Somewhere, deep in the Shinsengumi headquarters - a Sadist, Mayora King and Gorilla shuddered and held their crotches.
~~~~~~