Comments | sakkaseikatsu: I am still alive

sakkaseikatsu

I am still alive

Mar 31, 2008 20:48

The only thing i could come up with is some PWP FAKE fanfiction today T_T

Title: Bottoms up
Rating: NC-17 (what else would you rate PWP??

Passion, bliss, lust, and unadulterated love; these were the feelings that coursed though my veins as Dee continued to let his hands run over my naked body, touching me in places where no other person has the right ( Read more... )

fake, bottoms up

Comments 4

yaoikitten March 31 2008, 15:06:33 UTC

You take a lot of risks, I like that. ^_^ b

sakkaseikatsu March 31 2008, 21:06:21 UTC

I take risks? How so?

yaoikitten April 1 2008, 04:39:18 UTC

You use ballsy turns of phrase that amateurs steer clear from. Also, I'm not that familiar with Fake fanfiction (just the cannon), so the idea of Ryu having a "beast" within him awaken is another risk, some would argue it is OOC. All the elements worked for me though.

Overall, the piece could have used some good editting and trimming, a lot of redundant phrases that could be clipped. A lot of sentence could lose a preposition and come off better for it. I like your prose though, you have a good voice.

sakkaseikatsu April 1 2008, 07:30:00 UTC

thank you. ^_^