[One-shot] Fear - Part 3
[ Part 2]
“What?” Jun exclaimed, surprised by the sudden announcement.
“We offered to start before you, the three of us could work with Himitsu’s staff and all, we don’t appear as five in those TV shows anyway, Masaki had even signed for a new drama while I’ll start a new movie in a month. However it didn’t satisfy the president completely. He wants the five of us, no matter what.”
“But Sho hadn’t recovered yet! I have to talk to him.” Jun said, out of panic. He was already imagining how all his work would be ruined.
“I don’t think he will listen to you this time Jun,” Aiba said sadly. “The president seems really determined.”
“I’ll do it.” A voice raised behind them.
They all looked towards Sho who stood by the bathroom door’s frame and for the first time the rapper stared back at them.
“You won’t have to force yourself, Sho.” Jun said softly.
The older man walked towards the table and sat next to Jun. “Doing it slow doesn’t work and I need to push myself.”
“Yo-you heard me?” Jun felt embarrassed.
Sho nodded. “You’re right though. I’ve been too much dependent of you. I don’t know if it will work but I’ll try. I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble.”
“What are you talking about? Trouble? You gave us free days! We should thank you on the contrary.” Nino said with his usual bratty tone; however it didn’t escape to Jun’s eyes that his friend wasn’t as natural as he used to.
Though to Jun’s surprise, Nino’s comment had an unexpected result on Sho; the ghost of a smile crossed Sho’s face. Nino always made Sho’s laugh no matter how down the rapper felt. Even though he was happy to finally see a smile on Sho’s face, Jun had to admit that he felt a bit hurt that he wasn’t the first one to make him smile after all his work.
The dinner had been really pleasant to Jun and Sho particularly. It has been a while since the apartment hadn’t been filled with laughter, even though they were mainly from Aiba and Nino, Jun felt totally livened up. From time to time Jun glanced at Sho and he deduced that he wasn’t the only one who felt better with their band mates’ company.
As it was getting late, the group called it a night but not before Aiba hugged Sho strongly. The latter froze at first, still feeling uneasy and disgusted by skin contact, however he motioned Jun to not move and hugged Aiba back, a bit awkwardly.
Once they were alone, Jun went into the bathroom to take a shower while Sho cleaned all the dishes; Jun had offered his help but Sho refused it and explained that he needed to clean it himself; another proof of Sho’s trauma Jun thought as he entered the bathroom.
A moment later Jun came out and sat on the sofa. He glanced at Sho who went into the bathroom at his turn. Even though the TV was turned on, Jun didn’t really watch it. On the contrary he thought deeply about what happened during the day and more particularly about the next week; will Sho be able to work again? Wasn’t it too soon? The rapper hadn’t even got out of his apartment for weeks. Maybe Jun should talk with the president again but it would be hard to explain without giving the details.
The bathroom door opened and Jun realized that Sho had once again spent half an hour in the shower. They both remained silent as Jun turned off the screen and picked a pillow and a blanket, getting ready for the night while Sho headed towards his room. As Jun laid on the sofa he felt a strange sensation, like being watched. He propped himself on his elbows and looked towards Sho’s bedroom. As he thought, Sho didn’t go to bed, he just stayed at the doorframe and visibly something was bothering him.
“You need something, Sho?”
The man didn’t reply at first, debating with his inner self about something.
“Sho?” Jun called him again, standing up.
“Ah…” Sho seemed to come back to Earth and lifted his head to look at Jun but avoided the eye contact right away.
“I- I was wondering that maybe… would you…” Sho stuttered, having a hard time to find his words. “Please sle-sleep with m-me tonight.” He finally said, breathless.
Jun was stunned for a few seconds.
“I’m scared of doing the same nightmare and- and…” Sho tried to explained, embarrassed with Jun’s reaction.
“And?”
Sho sighed as he tried to compose himself “And… it seems like when you’re near me I don’t have those nightmares.”
Jun bite his lower lip as he tried to suppress a smile. He was genuinely happy with Sho’s request and more when he heard the reasons. Just thinking that Sho realized that he needed him was a huge step in their relationship. Without wasting another second, Jun grabbed his pillow and walked towards Sho. He stopped as he passed by his side “Come on, it’s late.” He said gently as he reached the bed.
Sho turned around and stared at Jun silently as he laid on the bed.
“Are you really okay with this? I can sleep in the living room.”
Sho shook his head furiously and almost jump on the bed. They both laid in silence, Sho looking at the ceiling while Jun stared at him.
“Le-let’s keep this distance.” Sho whispered as he turned on his side and faced Jun who did the same and nodded in agreement.
“I was thinking that maybe tomorrow we could go somewhere.” Jun let out suddenly.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea…”
“But you have to.” Jun insisted, as he stared at Sho’s eyes. “If you don’t try now how will you do it by the end of next week?”
“You’re right bu-but what if I meet him?”
“You don’t have to worry. He’s missing right now and that doesn’t mean he’s going after you. Moreover, I’m here, remember? As long as I’m by your side I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Jun said very serious.
Sho didn’t reply, he just nodded once and stared at Jun. As time passed they slowly drifted off to sleep.
“I trust you.” Sho whispered as he took Jun’s hand in his.
The next day, Jun is the first one to wake up. Usually he wasn’t the type of man who woke up early but the strong scent of Sho’s shampoo and his hair tickled his nose. As he opened his eyes, he saw something blurry in front of him and after a few seconds of thinking his still asleep brain deduced that Sho’s face was against his. As he moved a bit, Jun smiled when he noticed that they had slept the entire night while holding hands. He propped on his elbow and watched the sleeping form of his boyfriend; Sho seemed so relaxed in his sleep. With his free hand he pushed back a strand of hair from Sho’s eyes and slowly his fingertips slid from the forehead to the cheek and stopped on his plumped lips. Without thinking Jun replaced his fingertips with his own lips and gave Sho a chaste kiss. It was feathers like but the soft touch was enough to wake Sho up. Jun regretted his move right away when he saw the horrified look Sho gave him as he stood up and run into the bathroom, a hand covering his mouth.
“Sho listen, I’m sorry if it was too soon for you. I did it without thinking, I’m really sorry.” Jun apologized in front of the bathroom door. He heard Sho throwing up from behind, and then the sounds stopped and were replaced by the water running. Was he that disgusted with just a kiss?
The door opened suddenly, giving Jun a start as he was face to face with Sho.
“Don’t. Ever. Kiss me. Again.” Sho said sternly.
“Are you asking me to forget about the idea of kissing my boyfriend?” Jun asked as angry as Sho.
“Exactly.”
“Are you kidding me?” Jun burst from anger. “I’m sorry for loving you! I understand your problem but I need you to understand me as well! I agree maybe I was a bit too fast but I didn’t think about it, it just felt right in the moment. I saw your lips and-”
“You don’t know what those lips had done!” Sho screamed, his body trembling from anger.
Jun was speechless, he had never really thought about what Sho had actually done during that night, not because it didn’t matter but mostly because Sho’s state was more important and maybe, unconsciously Jun didn’t want to know.
He held Sho by the shoulders gently “I’m really sorry Sho but as I said earlier it doesn’t matter what he-”
“Oh please!” Sho pushed him away. “What if it matter to me? You think that sweet and comforting words will be enough for me to forget what happened? This isn’t some cheesy drama, Jun! We’re talking about real life! I will never be able to forget, no matter what you say.”
“Why are so angry at me?” It was Jun’s time to raise his voice.
“I’m not angry at you.”
“Yes you are. One time you’re kind and say that you trust me and the next second you scream at me and act as if I’m the one at fault. I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“Exactly!” Sho let out suddenly and seeing how he reacted, it seemed like he regretted to have said it right away.
“What do you mean?”
Sho sighed and avoided Jun’s gaze. “Never mind.”
“No Sho, for once please tell me what you really think. Why are you so mad at me?” He put a finger under Sho’s chin and forced him to look at him.
Sho tried to look away but Jun didn’t let him. They look at each other silently, the rapper’s eyes started to fill with tears. “Y-you weren’t there with me,” Sho finally admitted, shrieking with pain. “No matter how many times I called your name, you weren’t there to help me.”
Once again Jun was speechless. He opened his mouth and tried to say something but the words simply didn’t come out.
Sho sobbed as he swept his tears away. “I know this is ridiculous and I shouldn’t be mad at you for that because it’s not your fault, you couldn’t know I needed you and I still don’t understand why I called your name instead of calling for help.”
“How can you trust me and let me touch you if you’re mad at me?” Jun asked, totally lost in his thoughts.
“I don’t understand myself. I can’t control my feelings; one time I want to be hold by you and the next second I just want to slap your face.”
“I’m sorry,” Jun whispered
“This is not your fault you-Jun!” Sho froze as Jun came closer and pressed his lips against his.
“I didn’t apologize for what you said, but for what I’ve just done.” Jun explained; their faces separated by only a few centimeters. “Now you can choose; trust me or slap me. It’s your choice.” He added before leaning again. Sho pushed him away weakly.
“This is disgusting. Shameful.” He whispered while looking on the side to avoid Jun’s eyes.
“You have only two choices Sho,” Jun said again, holding Sho’s hands in his. “Trust me or slap me.”
Their faces were only a few inches apart. Sho felt Jun’s eyes on his face, as if that simple fact was burning his skin. He tried to get free from Jun’s grip but the later didn’t let go. He wasn’t hurting Sho but he wouldn’t let him go nether as if he was waiting for the rapper to calm down. Slowly Sho’s struggles became weaker and after a long moment that seemed like centuries to Jun, Sho raised his face little by little. They looked at each other for a long and silent moment, none of them breaking the contact but as seconds passed by, Jun felt Sho’s body relaxing under his hands.
Jun finally let go, pleased that Sho had finally made a choice and trusted him. It was a baby step but it was like a huge success to Jun. He smiled at his boyfriend before going into the living room and got ready to leave the apartment.
Sho stood there for a moment, his brain trying to register what just happened.
Leaving the apartment wasn’t an easy task to say the least. Both men picked clothes as good disguises to ensure a calm stroll in the street but when the time to cross the front door came Sho wasn’t really cooperative. Between the ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea’, the ‘I think I might be sick actually’ and the ‘I don’t feel like going out’ Jun remained calm and always found a strong case to push Sho. Putting a foot on the corridor was already a great improvement and it felt to Jun like a small victory. Sho had been too much pampered those last weeks and it was time to give a push to the man.
When Sho turned around and had already his hand on the doorknob, ready to enter his apartment again Jun warned him gently. “Sho, just think about it: Within exactly a week at the very same time you will have to leave to go to an interview so why don’t you try to get out now? See it as training.”
“It’s not the same. Next week it will be like it was before; our manager will come to pick us with his car and drive us directly into the building. Today we’re…by ourselves and what if we meet…him?” Sho uttered the last word in a whisper, eyeing around them as if to check that no one heard him.
Jun shook his head slightly and grabbed Sho’s hand that was still holding the doorknob. “It’s day time Sho. No one will hurt you and I promise that I will always be by your side.”
Sho pouted, knowing that Jun was right and the latter found the pout really cute on his boyfriend’s face. The rapper let himself being dragged towards the exit, reluctantly. Being outside felt good but nerve wracking at the same time to Sho. It was strange to feel the fresh air blowing on his face. He breathed deeply as Jun curled his fingers strongly around his and they started to walk down the street.
At first Sho’s eyes covered by sunglasses looked everywhere around him whenever someone passed by their side and he even stopped in his track when someone walked in his direction just to avoid body contact. Even though this kind of attitude would usually annoy Jun, this time he was only proud of Sho; thinking how hard it might be for the idol.
Their little journey had been great so far. Little by little Sho became more relax and almost enjoyed their stroll. They stopped at a coffee shop to take a coffee and for Sho a muffin. They even talked about anything that crossed their mind; the weather, how people seemed always in a hurry in the streets or simply how a muffin could become a piece of art when it was delicious.
Unconsciously they headed towards Jun’s apartment but when Sho recognized the way they were taking, he stopped suddenly, his grip strong around Jun’s hand.
“What is it?” Jun asked as he turned around to face Sho.
“Not this way, please.” Sho begged in a whisper, his feet already going in the opposite direction.
Jun didn’t push any further; Sho had been doing great until now and if the rapper became so stiff suddenly he certainly had his reasons. They retraced their steps and decided that it was enough for the day; they had spent more than half the day out after all. They stopped at a store in their way and while Sho was thinking about what he wanted to eat for dinner, Jun’s eyes caught the headlines of another gossip tabloid.
‘Arashi’s punishment?’
He looked back to check where Sho was before picking one copy and read the article.
‘We still don’t have a proper explanation about their break and the agency hadn’t denied the fact that some people had witnessed Sakurai Sho (30) and Matsumoto Jun (28) having a fight in the street. It seemed like the rumors about the both of them fighting have been right and the agency had taken particular actions.’
“What the…” Jun whispered as he kept reading.
‘According to someone within the agency Johnny Kitagawa himself had ordered a special treatment for the two popular idols to improve their relationship. For the past weeks Matsumoto Jun hadn’t been into his apartment and when he was rarely seen at his entrance building he was always leaving it with a sport bag and headed towards Sakurai’s apartment. Still according to our source within the agency, the reason is that Johnny Kitagawa ordered the both of them to live together and spend most of the time to improve their relationship.
We will give you more information in our next release but it seems like the both of them aren’t as close as they wanted to make us believe or this is another trick from the agency to deny a possible love affair between two of its top rated idol. Arashi had made a lot of ‘first in history of idol’ since they debuted so it would be natural if Sakurai and Matsumoto were the first male idols to publicly announce they are living together.’
“What are you reading?” Sho’s voice startled him and Jun put away the paper quickly.
“Some gossip. Nothing important.” Jun simply said as he took the groceries from Sho’s hands and headed towards the cash desk.
The rest of the way back home was silent, they just enjoyed each other presence as the warm wind blown on their face, glancing from time to time at each other and smiling shyly. As they waited for the lift to come down, they took off their hats and sunglasses since they were safe in Sho’s apartment’s building hall.
“Thanks for the walk, it was nice.” Sho admitted as he stepped into the lift.
“You’re very welcome,” Jun smiled. “I have to admit that I missed spending some times out.”
“I’m sorry.” Sho lowered his head in shame, knowing that he was the main reason that Jun didn’t get out as much as he wanted.
Jun was about to protest but the bell indicating that they had reach Sho’s floor interrupted him. The rapper quickly got out, still avoiding Jun’s eyes.
“Sho wait a second it’s not what I-”
“Sho! Finally!” A female voice cut Jun short again while Sho suddenly stopped in his track.
“M-mom?”
Sakurai’s mother quickly walked towards her son and hugged him strongly, her son still unmoving. “Oh dear you shouldn’t scare me like that!” She said in a reprimanding tone every mother would use. “You know how busy your father and I are why didn’t you reply to my messages?”
“D-dad is here?” Sho asked, becoming pale in the next second.
“Is there a problem with me?” A deep voice asked from behind Mrs. Sakurai and Jun bowed respectfully in front of Sho’s parents as the latter was still surprised by his father’s presence.
“Oh Matsumoto-kun you’re here as well!” Mrs. Sakurai exclaimed as she noticed Jun and went to hug him as she did with Sho. She wasn’t usually that casual but never underestimate a mother; she had many tricks to get what she wanted.
“I’ve read the rumors on the newspapers. Congratulation for being together.” She whispered into Jun’s ear.
“Ah n-no it’s not like that.” Jun stuttered, still surprised by Sho’s mother’s gesture.
“We’ll stay in the corridor or are you going to invite us in?” Sho’s father asked, grumpy.
“Actually w-we were leaving so…” Sho lied but his mother raised a hand to stop him.
“Don’t lie to me Sho. You know you’re a very bad liar and more particularly when you try to lie to me. Obviously Matsumoto-kun and you were going home.” She said while pointing at the groceries they had in their hands.
“Please come in.” Jun said as he took out the keys from his pocket.
The Sakurai went ahead, while Sho grabbed Jun’s forearm. The younger man turned to face his boyfriend “Please don’t say anything.” Sho begged in a low voice.
The way Sho’s fingers dug into Jun’s skin showed how much Sho was afraid of his parents knowing the truth. Jun nodded in agreement even though he thought it would be better if his own parents knew.
Jun opened the door and the whole Sakurai family followed him in. Sho and Jun went into the kitchen to put the groceries bags before joining Sakurai’s parents into the living room.
Sho sat in the couch opposite to his parents, visibly feeling uncomfortable while Jun stood there for a very long minute before he offered to make some tea. Despite the murderous look Sho gave him, Jun went into the kitchen where he heard perfectly the parents and son’s talk.
“Why didn’t you answer your phone? We were worried you know?” Mrs. Sakurai asked in a soft tone.
Sho didn’t say anything.
“And why didn’t you tell us about the group’s break? I’ve talked to Aiba-kun’s mother and Ninomiya-kun’s, they knew it before me. Can you believe it? I’ve heard of my son’s group’s break in the TV news!”
Again, Sho remained silent.
“Sho tell me what’s wrong. Why are you so distant? Is it because of your relationship with Matsumoto-kun? You don’t have to be worried about that, I’ve already told you that we’re perfectly fine with the fact that you’re being ga-”
“I’m not gay!” Sho shouted suddenly. That reply hurt Jun deeply, the way Sho’s voice raised when he said that, so defensive it showed how much Sho was disgusted by that thought. Jun knew he shouldn’t take it personally, he had read that most of the victims were afraid to become homosexual or less manly after the accident and that it was only a way to protect themselves but it still hurt Jun deep inside.
“That’s why we read everywhere rumors about our son being in love with his band mate and it seems more than a rumor since he has your apartment’s keys.” Sho’s father said sternly.
Sho opened his mouth to protest again but when he saw his father’s eyes he looked away and kept quiet.
“Now now stop it you two!” Mrs. Sakurai tried to calm them down; she was used to this kind of moment between them.
“You’re blaming me? It’s your son who started it; he’s so childish most of the times! Not listening to his parents’ advices, doing what he wants; and now he doesn’t even talk to us anymore! You’re already 30 Sho, act like a man!” Mr. Sakurai warned his son while waving his finger quickly.
Sho stood up suddenly, startling every one as Jun came into the living room with a tray.
“I know damn it! I’m not manly, okay I’ve understood that!” He said, stiff as a poker. “I’m not like Shu. I don’t practice kendo and I don’t play baseball. I preferred dancing and singing as a profession. I get it! Stop telling me this!” He screamed as he run out from the apartment and slammed the main door in the process.
Jun and the Sakurai just stood in the living room, totally silent and surprised by Sho’s sudden anger. Jun knew that Mr. Sakurai was the type of men to be conservative and very serious but he never knew that the relationship with his own son was that bad.
After a while Mrs Sakurai cleared her throat and sipped her tea before putting the cup down graciously and slapped her husband’s top of head.
“See what you did again?” She asked in a reprimanding tone.
“What?!” Sho’s father exclaimed in a high pitched tone, and Jun knew from whom Sho had inherited this habit.
“You’re really irremediable. Visibly you’re son isn’t feeling well and you still find a way to argue with him.”
“I-it’s my fault now?!”
“I knew it was a bad idea to ask you to come with me. Go and wait for me in the car.”
“But-”
“Shun. The car. Now!” The icy tone of Mrs. Sakurai resonated in the living room, leaving the two men speechless for a long moment. Without saying anything more Mr. Sakurai stood up, bowed in front of Jun who did the same automatically and left the apartment.
Jun looked at Mrs. Sakurai who rubbed her temples and sighed deeply. “I-I think I should check if Sho is okay.” Jun mumbled, still surprised by Sho’s mother’s behavior.
The woman put her empty cup of tea on the coffee table graciously “Please don’t.” She said in a soft voice.
Jun turned around to face her and sat as she patted the place next to her on the sofa, a gentle smile covering her face. “Shun is probably already by Sho’s side right now.”
“What do you mean?” Jun asked, incredulous “You told him to-”
“You see,” the mother cut him short while smiling “Sho’s stubbornness comes from his father. Those two always fight together but they love each other so much, to the point that I envy their relationship. Shun is Sho’s confident, whenever he had trouble or something bothering him he always went to talk about it with his father, not me. Shun says that’s because I’m scary when I’m angry.” She chuckled.
Jun nodded, he had to admit that she was indeed scary when she ordered her husband to leave.
“So,” she started, moving on the sofa to face Jun properly. “You already call him ‘Sho’?” She smiled fondly.
Jun felt his cheeks becoming hot suddenly and his throat felt dry. “Tha-that is, you, erm…”
“I was wondering when you two would be together! I’ve been waiting for so long. Since the first day I met you I knew you were meant for each other.” She said while grabbing Jun’s hand between her and patted it friendly.
“However,” her face became serious again “I know my son and how stupid and stubborn he can be sometimes. I’m not idiot, with the group’s break and all those rumors, something happened, am I right?”
“It’s…” Jun had a hard time to find his words.
“Don’t tell me if you can’t. I prefer you keeping a secret from me than lying. I just want to know if my son is feeling well, that’s all.”
Jun felt the genuine concern of Sho’s mother through her words, her tone and her eyes. He wanted to tell her what happened but he had promised Sho he would keep quiet. The idol closed his eyes and sighed.
“You’re right. Something very serious happened to Sho but I’m sorry I can’t tell you; I promised him.”
She nodded once, understanding Jun’s position.
“I think he’s feeling better, he’s acting more normally as days pass and I do my best to help him.”
“I’m sure you do.” She smiled sadly as she cupped Jun’s cheek.
They stood in this position for a few seconds, totally quiet, looking at each other until Jun felt the hand on his cheek letting go and Sho’s mother stood up. She grabbed her purse and her coat which Jun helped her with and he showed her the exit.
“I think my husband is already waiting in the car now.” She smiled softly before walking into the corridor.
Jun stepped out as well “Mrs. Sakurai,” he called her and she turned around “The group will resume its activity by the end of next week.”
She smiled again and nodded once her thank before leaving for good. Once he couldn’t see her at all Jun ran into the staircases, there was only one place where Sho could be when he was feeling down, and strangely it was the rooftop of the building.
However, he didn’t have the time to go far because Sho was already back. They both looked at each other silently, Sho blushing a bit and avoiding Jun’s gaze. They entered the apartment, still deadly silent, Jun thinking hard about what to say and Sho, trying to act normal.
Once Jun had closed the door, Sho showed him his back and apologized for his attitude. Jun wasn’t expecting this and was taken aback.
“You talked with your father?” It was the only thing Jun could think to say at this moment.
Sho nodded and went into the living room. “Yeah, we had a real talk, as always when we start with a fight.” Sho laughed softly and Jun could notice how much Mr. Sakurai meant for his boyfriend just by looking at Sho’s face; the soft genuine smile on his full lips, the glint in Sho’s eyes as he talked about his father. Mrs. Sakurai was right, they both liked each other very much.
“Did you tell him?” If Mrs. Sakurai said the truth about Sho telling everything that bothered him, then there might be a chance he had told him what happened.
However Sho just shook his head slowly and sighed. “I wanted to but in the end the words didn’t come out. This is the first time that I keep a secret towards my dad.” Sho added sadly and Jun saw how much it was a burden to Sho.
“You didn’t tell my mom, right?” He asked suddenly, the worry very visible on his face.
“I promised you, didn’t I?” Jun answered seriously and Sho sighed from relief.
They stood silent for a short moment, until Jun offered to start making dinner but Sho declined the offer.
“Today had been particularly hard and I’m not hungry anymore.” Sho said, already heading towards his bedroom.
“Sho…” Jun called, disapproving Sho’s choice.
The rapper turned around and smiled sadly at Jun. “Just for tonight Jun, let me do what I want. I promise that tomorrow I’ll do whatever you want but not tonight.”
Jun gave in easily just by looking at Sho’s pleading look it was impossible to say no to him.
After Sho had left the living room Jun scanned the empty place silently. They have made improvements but it always ended the same: Sho preferred to stay alone than sharing his worries with Jun. The young man sighed as he headed into the kitchen, he looked blankly at the groceries on the counter; the delicious dinner they had planned was already forgotten and even for this time Jun decided to just boil water and eat instant noodles; he wasn’t hungry anymore to be honest.
Jun spend the evening in front of the TV screen, watching without interest the guests on the show. He felt sick and it wasn’t because of the instant noodles he had eaten earlier. To be honest, he really loved Sho but he couldn’t bear that feeling of emptiness anymore.
He had enough.
[ Part 4]
“What?” Jun exclaimed, surprised by the sudden announcement.
“We offered to start before you, the three of us could work with Himitsu’s staff and all, we don’t appear as five in those TV shows anyway, Masaki had even signed for a new drama while I’ll start a new movie in a month. However it didn’t satisfy the president completely. He wants the five of us, no matter what.”
“But Sho hadn’t recovered yet! I have to talk to him.” Jun said, out of panic. He was already imagining how all his work would be ruined.
“I don’t think he will listen to you this time Jun,” Aiba said sadly. “The president seems really determined.”
“I’ll do it.” A voice raised behind them.
They all looked towards Sho who stood by the bathroom door’s frame and for the first time the rapper stared back at them.
“You won’t have to force yourself, Sho.” Jun said softly.
The older man walked towards the table and sat next to Jun. “Doing it slow doesn’t work and I need to push myself.”
“Yo-you heard me?” Jun felt embarrassed.
Sho nodded. “You’re right though. I’ve been too much dependent of you. I don’t know if it will work but I’ll try. I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble.”
“What are you talking about? Trouble? You gave us free days! We should thank you on the contrary.” Nino said with his usual bratty tone; however it didn’t escape to Jun’s eyes that his friend wasn’t as natural as he used to.
Though to Jun’s surprise, Nino’s comment had an unexpected result on Sho; the ghost of a smile crossed Sho’s face. Nino always made Sho’s laugh no matter how down the rapper felt. Even though he was happy to finally see a smile on Sho’s face, Jun had to admit that he felt a bit hurt that he wasn’t the first one to make him smile after all his work.
The dinner had been really pleasant to Jun and Sho particularly. It has been a while since the apartment hadn’t been filled with laughter, even though they were mainly from Aiba and Nino, Jun felt totally livened up. From time to time Jun glanced at Sho and he deduced that he wasn’t the only one who felt better with their band mates’ company.
As it was getting late, the group called it a night but not before Aiba hugged Sho strongly. The latter froze at first, still feeling uneasy and disgusted by skin contact, however he motioned Jun to not move and hugged Aiba back, a bit awkwardly.
Once they were alone, Jun went into the bathroom to take a shower while Sho cleaned all the dishes; Jun had offered his help but Sho refused it and explained that he needed to clean it himself; another proof of Sho’s trauma Jun thought as he entered the bathroom.
A moment later Jun came out and sat on the sofa. He glanced at Sho who went into the bathroom at his turn. Even though the TV was turned on, Jun didn’t really watch it. On the contrary he thought deeply about what happened during the day and more particularly about the next week; will Sho be able to work again? Wasn’t it too soon? The rapper hadn’t even got out of his apartment for weeks. Maybe Jun should talk with the president again but it would be hard to explain without giving the details.
The bathroom door opened and Jun realized that Sho had once again spent half an hour in the shower. They both remained silent as Jun turned off the screen and picked a pillow and a blanket, getting ready for the night while Sho headed towards his room. As Jun laid on the sofa he felt a strange sensation, like being watched. He propped himself on his elbows and looked towards Sho’s bedroom. As he thought, Sho didn’t go to bed, he just stayed at the doorframe and visibly something was bothering him.
“You need something, Sho?”
The man didn’t reply at first, debating with his inner self about something.
“Sho?” Jun called him again, standing up.
“Ah…” Sho seemed to come back to Earth and lifted his head to look at Jun but avoided the eye contact right away.
“I- I was wondering that maybe… would you…” Sho stuttered, having a hard time to find his words. “Please sle-sleep with m-me tonight.” He finally said, breathless.
Jun was stunned for a few seconds.
“I’m scared of doing the same nightmare and- and…” Sho tried to explained, embarrassed with Jun’s reaction.
“And?”
Sho sighed as he tried to compose himself “And… it seems like when you’re near me I don’t have those nightmares.”
Jun bite his lower lip as he tried to suppress a smile. He was genuinely happy with Sho’s request and more when he heard the reasons. Just thinking that Sho realized that he needed him was a huge step in their relationship. Without wasting another second, Jun grabbed his pillow and walked towards Sho. He stopped as he passed by his side “Come on, it’s late.” He said gently as he reached the bed.
Sho turned around and stared at Jun silently as he laid on the bed.
“Are you really okay with this? I can sleep in the living room.”
Sho shook his head furiously and almost jump on the bed. They both laid in silence, Sho looking at the ceiling while Jun stared at him.
“Le-let’s keep this distance.” Sho whispered as he turned on his side and faced Jun who did the same and nodded in agreement.
“I was thinking that maybe tomorrow we could go somewhere.” Jun let out suddenly.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea…”
“But you have to.” Jun insisted, as he stared at Sho’s eyes. “If you don’t try now how will you do it by the end of next week?”
“You’re right bu-but what if I meet him?”
“You don’t have to worry. He’s missing right now and that doesn’t mean he’s going after you. Moreover, I’m here, remember? As long as I’m by your side I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Jun said very serious.
Sho didn’t reply, he just nodded once and stared at Jun. As time passed they slowly drifted off to sleep.
“I trust you.” Sho whispered as he took Jun’s hand in his.
The next day, Jun is the first one to wake up. Usually he wasn’t the type of man who woke up early but the strong scent of Sho’s shampoo and his hair tickled his nose. As he opened his eyes, he saw something blurry in front of him and after a few seconds of thinking his still asleep brain deduced that Sho’s face was against his. As he moved a bit, Jun smiled when he noticed that they had slept the entire night while holding hands. He propped on his elbow and watched the sleeping form of his boyfriend; Sho seemed so relaxed in his sleep. With his free hand he pushed back a strand of hair from Sho’s eyes and slowly his fingertips slid from the forehead to the cheek and stopped on his plumped lips. Without thinking Jun replaced his fingertips with his own lips and gave Sho a chaste kiss. It was feathers like but the soft touch was enough to wake Sho up. Jun regretted his move right away when he saw the horrified look Sho gave him as he stood up and run into the bathroom, a hand covering his mouth.
“Sho listen, I’m sorry if it was too soon for you. I did it without thinking, I’m really sorry.” Jun apologized in front of the bathroom door. He heard Sho throwing up from behind, and then the sounds stopped and were replaced by the water running. Was he that disgusted with just a kiss?
The door opened suddenly, giving Jun a start as he was face to face with Sho.
“Don’t. Ever. Kiss me. Again.” Sho said sternly.
“Are you asking me to forget about the idea of kissing my boyfriend?” Jun asked as angry as Sho.
“Exactly.”
“Are you kidding me?” Jun burst from anger. “I’m sorry for loving you! I understand your problem but I need you to understand me as well! I agree maybe I was a bit too fast but I didn’t think about it, it just felt right in the moment. I saw your lips and-”
“You don’t know what those lips had done!” Sho screamed, his body trembling from anger.
Jun was speechless, he had never really thought about what Sho had actually done during that night, not because it didn’t matter but mostly because Sho’s state was more important and maybe, unconsciously Jun didn’t want to know.
He held Sho by the shoulders gently “I’m really sorry Sho but as I said earlier it doesn’t matter what he-”
“Oh please!” Sho pushed him away. “What if it matter to me? You think that sweet and comforting words will be enough for me to forget what happened? This isn’t some cheesy drama, Jun! We’re talking about real life! I will never be able to forget, no matter what you say.”
“Why are so angry at me?” It was Jun’s time to raise his voice.
“I’m not angry at you.”
“Yes you are. One time you’re kind and say that you trust me and the next second you scream at me and act as if I’m the one at fault. I didn’t do anything wrong!”
“Exactly!” Sho let out suddenly and seeing how he reacted, it seemed like he regretted to have said it right away.
“What do you mean?”
Sho sighed and avoided Jun’s gaze. “Never mind.”
“No Sho, for once please tell me what you really think. Why are you so mad at me?” He put a finger under Sho’s chin and forced him to look at him.
Sho tried to look away but Jun didn’t let him. They look at each other silently, the rapper’s eyes started to fill with tears. “Y-you weren’t there with me,” Sho finally admitted, shrieking with pain. “No matter how many times I called your name, you weren’t there to help me.”
Once again Jun was speechless. He opened his mouth and tried to say something but the words simply didn’t come out.
Sho sobbed as he swept his tears away. “I know this is ridiculous and I shouldn’t be mad at you for that because it’s not your fault, you couldn’t know I needed you and I still don’t understand why I called your name instead of calling for help.”
“How can you trust me and let me touch you if you’re mad at me?” Jun asked, totally lost in his thoughts.
“I don’t understand myself. I can’t control my feelings; one time I want to be hold by you and the next second I just want to slap your face.”
“I’m sorry,” Jun whispered
“This is not your fault you-Jun!” Sho froze as Jun came closer and pressed his lips against his.
“I didn’t apologize for what you said, but for what I’ve just done.” Jun explained; their faces separated by only a few centimeters. “Now you can choose; trust me or slap me. It’s your choice.” He added before leaning again. Sho pushed him away weakly.
“This is disgusting. Shameful.” He whispered while looking on the side to avoid Jun’s eyes.
“You have only two choices Sho,” Jun said again, holding Sho’s hands in his. “Trust me or slap me.”
Their faces were only a few inches apart. Sho felt Jun’s eyes on his face, as if that simple fact was burning his skin. He tried to get free from Jun’s grip but the later didn’t let go. He wasn’t hurting Sho but he wouldn’t let him go nether as if he was waiting for the rapper to calm down. Slowly Sho’s struggles became weaker and after a long moment that seemed like centuries to Jun, Sho raised his face little by little. They looked at each other for a long and silent moment, none of them breaking the contact but as seconds passed by, Jun felt Sho’s body relaxing under his hands.
Jun finally let go, pleased that Sho had finally made a choice and trusted him. It was a baby step but it was like a huge success to Jun. He smiled at his boyfriend before going into the living room and got ready to leave the apartment.
Sho stood there for a moment, his brain trying to register what just happened.
Leaving the apartment wasn’t an easy task to say the least. Both men picked clothes as good disguises to ensure a calm stroll in the street but when the time to cross the front door came Sho wasn’t really cooperative. Between the ‘I don’t think it’s a good idea’, the ‘I think I might be sick actually’ and the ‘I don’t feel like going out’ Jun remained calm and always found a strong case to push Sho. Putting a foot on the corridor was already a great improvement and it felt to Jun like a small victory. Sho had been too much pampered those last weeks and it was time to give a push to the man.
When Sho turned around and had already his hand on the doorknob, ready to enter his apartment again Jun warned him gently. “Sho, just think about it: Within exactly a week at the very same time you will have to leave to go to an interview so why don’t you try to get out now? See it as training.”
“It’s not the same. Next week it will be like it was before; our manager will come to pick us with his car and drive us directly into the building. Today we’re…by ourselves and what if we meet…him?” Sho uttered the last word in a whisper, eyeing around them as if to check that no one heard him.
Jun shook his head slightly and grabbed Sho’s hand that was still holding the doorknob. “It’s day time Sho. No one will hurt you and I promise that I will always be by your side.”
Sho pouted, knowing that Jun was right and the latter found the pout really cute on his boyfriend’s face. The rapper let himself being dragged towards the exit, reluctantly. Being outside felt good but nerve wracking at the same time to Sho. It was strange to feel the fresh air blowing on his face. He breathed deeply as Jun curled his fingers strongly around his and they started to walk down the street.
At first Sho’s eyes covered by sunglasses looked everywhere around him whenever someone passed by their side and he even stopped in his track when someone walked in his direction just to avoid body contact. Even though this kind of attitude would usually annoy Jun, this time he was only proud of Sho; thinking how hard it might be for the idol.
Their little journey had been great so far. Little by little Sho became more relax and almost enjoyed their stroll. They stopped at a coffee shop to take a coffee and for Sho a muffin. They even talked about anything that crossed their mind; the weather, how people seemed always in a hurry in the streets or simply how a muffin could become a piece of art when it was delicious.
Unconsciously they headed towards Jun’s apartment but when Sho recognized the way they were taking, he stopped suddenly, his grip strong around Jun’s hand.
“What is it?” Jun asked as he turned around to face Sho.
“Not this way, please.” Sho begged in a whisper, his feet already going in the opposite direction.
Jun didn’t push any further; Sho had been doing great until now and if the rapper became so stiff suddenly he certainly had his reasons. They retraced their steps and decided that it was enough for the day; they had spent more than half the day out after all. They stopped at a store in their way and while Sho was thinking about what he wanted to eat for dinner, Jun’s eyes caught the headlines of another gossip tabloid.
‘Arashi’s punishment?’
He looked back to check where Sho was before picking one copy and read the article.
‘We still don’t have a proper explanation about their break and the agency hadn’t denied the fact that some people had witnessed Sakurai Sho (30) and Matsumoto Jun (28) having a fight in the street. It seemed like the rumors about the both of them fighting have been right and the agency had taken particular actions.’
“What the…” Jun whispered as he kept reading.
‘According to someone within the agency Johnny Kitagawa himself had ordered a special treatment for the two popular idols to improve their relationship. For the past weeks Matsumoto Jun hadn’t been into his apartment and when he was rarely seen at his entrance building he was always leaving it with a sport bag and headed towards Sakurai’s apartment. Still according to our source within the agency, the reason is that Johnny Kitagawa ordered the both of them to live together and spend most of the time to improve their relationship.
We will give you more information in our next release but it seems like the both of them aren’t as close as they wanted to make us believe or this is another trick from the agency to deny a possible love affair between two of its top rated idol. Arashi had made a lot of ‘first in history of idol’ since they debuted so it would be natural if Sakurai and Matsumoto were the first male idols to publicly announce they are living together.’
“What are you reading?” Sho’s voice startled him and Jun put away the paper quickly.
“Some gossip. Nothing important.” Jun simply said as he took the groceries from Sho’s hands and headed towards the cash desk.
The rest of the way back home was silent, they just enjoyed each other presence as the warm wind blown on their face, glancing from time to time at each other and smiling shyly. As they waited for the lift to come down, they took off their hats and sunglasses since they were safe in Sho’s apartment’s building hall.
“Thanks for the walk, it was nice.” Sho admitted as he stepped into the lift.
“You’re very welcome,” Jun smiled. “I have to admit that I missed spending some times out.”
“I’m sorry.” Sho lowered his head in shame, knowing that he was the main reason that Jun didn’t get out as much as he wanted.
Jun was about to protest but the bell indicating that they had reach Sho’s floor interrupted him. The rapper quickly got out, still avoiding Jun’s eyes.
“Sho wait a second it’s not what I-”
“Sho! Finally!” A female voice cut Jun short again while Sho suddenly stopped in his track.
“M-mom?”
Sakurai’s mother quickly walked towards her son and hugged him strongly, her son still unmoving. “Oh dear you shouldn’t scare me like that!” She said in a reprimanding tone every mother would use. “You know how busy your father and I are why didn’t you reply to my messages?”
“D-dad is here?” Sho asked, becoming pale in the next second.
“Is there a problem with me?” A deep voice asked from behind Mrs. Sakurai and Jun bowed respectfully in front of Sho’s parents as the latter was still surprised by his father’s presence.
“Oh Matsumoto-kun you’re here as well!” Mrs. Sakurai exclaimed as she noticed Jun and went to hug him as she did with Sho. She wasn’t usually that casual but never underestimate a mother; she had many tricks to get what she wanted.
“I’ve read the rumors on the newspapers. Congratulation for being together.” She whispered into Jun’s ear.
“Ah n-no it’s not like that.” Jun stuttered, still surprised by Sho’s mother’s gesture.
“We’ll stay in the corridor or are you going to invite us in?” Sho’s father asked, grumpy.
“Actually w-we were leaving so…” Sho lied but his mother raised a hand to stop him.
“Don’t lie to me Sho. You know you’re a very bad liar and more particularly when you try to lie to me. Obviously Matsumoto-kun and you were going home.” She said while pointing at the groceries they had in their hands.
“Please come in.” Jun said as he took out the keys from his pocket.
The Sakurai went ahead, while Sho grabbed Jun’s forearm. The younger man turned to face his boyfriend “Please don’t say anything.” Sho begged in a low voice.
The way Sho’s fingers dug into Jun’s skin showed how much Sho was afraid of his parents knowing the truth. Jun nodded in agreement even though he thought it would be better if his own parents knew.
Jun opened the door and the whole Sakurai family followed him in. Sho and Jun went into the kitchen to put the groceries bags before joining Sakurai’s parents into the living room.
Sho sat in the couch opposite to his parents, visibly feeling uncomfortable while Jun stood there for a very long minute before he offered to make some tea. Despite the murderous look Sho gave him, Jun went into the kitchen where he heard perfectly the parents and son’s talk.
“Why didn’t you answer your phone? We were worried you know?” Mrs. Sakurai asked in a soft tone.
Sho didn’t say anything.
“And why didn’t you tell us about the group’s break? I’ve talked to Aiba-kun’s mother and Ninomiya-kun’s, they knew it before me. Can you believe it? I’ve heard of my son’s group’s break in the TV news!”
Again, Sho remained silent.
“Sho tell me what’s wrong. Why are you so distant? Is it because of your relationship with Matsumoto-kun? You don’t have to be worried about that, I’ve already told you that we’re perfectly fine with the fact that you’re being ga-”
“I’m not gay!” Sho shouted suddenly. That reply hurt Jun deeply, the way Sho’s voice raised when he said that, so defensive it showed how much Sho was disgusted by that thought. Jun knew he shouldn’t take it personally, he had read that most of the victims were afraid to become homosexual or less manly after the accident and that it was only a way to protect themselves but it still hurt Jun deep inside.
“That’s why we read everywhere rumors about our son being in love with his band mate and it seems more than a rumor since he has your apartment’s keys.” Sho’s father said sternly.
Sho opened his mouth to protest again but when he saw his father’s eyes he looked away and kept quiet.
“Now now stop it you two!” Mrs. Sakurai tried to calm them down; she was used to this kind of moment between them.
“You’re blaming me? It’s your son who started it; he’s so childish most of the times! Not listening to his parents’ advices, doing what he wants; and now he doesn’t even talk to us anymore! You’re already 30 Sho, act like a man!” Mr. Sakurai warned his son while waving his finger quickly.
Sho stood up suddenly, startling every one as Jun came into the living room with a tray.
“I know damn it! I’m not manly, okay I’ve understood that!” He said, stiff as a poker. “I’m not like Shu. I don’t practice kendo and I don’t play baseball. I preferred dancing and singing as a profession. I get it! Stop telling me this!” He screamed as he run out from the apartment and slammed the main door in the process.
Jun and the Sakurai just stood in the living room, totally silent and surprised by Sho’s sudden anger. Jun knew that Mr. Sakurai was the type of men to be conservative and very serious but he never knew that the relationship with his own son was that bad.
After a while Mrs Sakurai cleared her throat and sipped her tea before putting the cup down graciously and slapped her husband’s top of head.
“See what you did again?” She asked in a reprimanding tone.
“What?!” Sho’s father exclaimed in a high pitched tone, and Jun knew from whom Sho had inherited this habit.
“You’re really irremediable. Visibly you’re son isn’t feeling well and you still find a way to argue with him.”
“I-it’s my fault now?!”
“I knew it was a bad idea to ask you to come with me. Go and wait for me in the car.”
“But-”
“Shun. The car. Now!” The icy tone of Mrs. Sakurai resonated in the living room, leaving the two men speechless for a long moment. Without saying anything more Mr. Sakurai stood up, bowed in front of Jun who did the same automatically and left the apartment.
Jun looked at Mrs. Sakurai who rubbed her temples and sighed deeply. “I-I think I should check if Sho is okay.” Jun mumbled, still surprised by Sho’s mother’s behavior.
The woman put her empty cup of tea on the coffee table graciously “Please don’t.” She said in a soft voice.
Jun turned around to face her and sat as she patted the place next to her on the sofa, a gentle smile covering her face. “Shun is probably already by Sho’s side right now.”
“What do you mean?” Jun asked, incredulous “You told him to-”
“You see,” the mother cut him short while smiling “Sho’s stubbornness comes from his father. Those two always fight together but they love each other so much, to the point that I envy their relationship. Shun is Sho’s confident, whenever he had trouble or something bothering him he always went to talk about it with his father, not me. Shun says that’s because I’m scary when I’m angry.” She chuckled.
Jun nodded, he had to admit that she was indeed scary when she ordered her husband to leave.
“So,” she started, moving on the sofa to face Jun properly. “You already call him ‘Sho’?” She smiled fondly.
Jun felt his cheeks becoming hot suddenly and his throat felt dry. “Tha-that is, you, erm…”
“I was wondering when you two would be together! I’ve been waiting for so long. Since the first day I met you I knew you were meant for each other.” She said while grabbing Jun’s hand between her and patted it friendly.
“However,” her face became serious again “I know my son and how stupid and stubborn he can be sometimes. I’m not idiot, with the group’s break and all those rumors, something happened, am I right?”
“It’s…” Jun had a hard time to find his words.
“Don’t tell me if you can’t. I prefer you keeping a secret from me than lying. I just want to know if my son is feeling well, that’s all.”
Jun felt the genuine concern of Sho’s mother through her words, her tone and her eyes. He wanted to tell her what happened but he had promised Sho he would keep quiet. The idol closed his eyes and sighed.
“You’re right. Something very serious happened to Sho but I’m sorry I can’t tell you; I promised him.”
She nodded once, understanding Jun’s position.
“I think he’s feeling better, he’s acting more normally as days pass and I do my best to help him.”
“I’m sure you do.” She smiled sadly as she cupped Jun’s cheek.
They stood in this position for a few seconds, totally quiet, looking at each other until Jun felt the hand on his cheek letting go and Sho’s mother stood up. She grabbed her purse and her coat which Jun helped her with and he showed her the exit.
“I think my husband is already waiting in the car now.” She smiled softly before walking into the corridor.
Jun stepped out as well “Mrs. Sakurai,” he called her and she turned around “The group will resume its activity by the end of next week.”
She smiled again and nodded once her thank before leaving for good. Once he couldn’t see her at all Jun ran into the staircases, there was only one place where Sho could be when he was feeling down, and strangely it was the rooftop of the building.
However, he didn’t have the time to go far because Sho was already back. They both looked at each other silently, Sho blushing a bit and avoiding Jun’s gaze. They entered the apartment, still deadly silent, Jun thinking hard about what to say and Sho, trying to act normal.
Once Jun had closed the door, Sho showed him his back and apologized for his attitude. Jun wasn’t expecting this and was taken aback.
“You talked with your father?” It was the only thing Jun could think to say at this moment.
Sho nodded and went into the living room. “Yeah, we had a real talk, as always when we start with a fight.” Sho laughed softly and Jun could notice how much Mr. Sakurai meant for his boyfriend just by looking at Sho’s face; the soft genuine smile on his full lips, the glint in Sho’s eyes as he talked about his father. Mrs. Sakurai was right, they both liked each other very much.
“Did you tell him?” If Mrs. Sakurai said the truth about Sho telling everything that bothered him, then there might be a chance he had told him what happened.
However Sho just shook his head slowly and sighed. “I wanted to but in the end the words didn’t come out. This is the first time that I keep a secret towards my dad.” Sho added sadly and Jun saw how much it was a burden to Sho.
“You didn’t tell my mom, right?” He asked suddenly, the worry very visible on his face.
“I promised you, didn’t I?” Jun answered seriously and Sho sighed from relief.
They stood silent for a short moment, until Jun offered to start making dinner but Sho declined the offer.
“Today had been particularly hard and I’m not hungry anymore.” Sho said, already heading towards his bedroom.
“Sho…” Jun called, disapproving Sho’s choice.
The rapper turned around and smiled sadly at Jun. “Just for tonight Jun, let me do what I want. I promise that tomorrow I’ll do whatever you want but not tonight.”
Jun gave in easily just by looking at Sho’s pleading look it was impossible to say no to him.
After Sho had left the living room Jun scanned the empty place silently. They have made improvements but it always ended the same: Sho preferred to stay alone than sharing his worries with Jun. The young man sighed as he headed into the kitchen, he looked blankly at the groceries on the counter; the delicious dinner they had planned was already forgotten and even for this time Jun decided to just boil water and eat instant noodles; he wasn’t hungry anymore to be honest.
Jun spend the evening in front of the TV screen, watching without interest the guests on the show. He felt sick and it wasn’t because of the instant noodles he had eaten earlier. To be honest, he really loved Sho but he couldn’t bear that feeling of emptiness anymore.
He had enough.
[ Part 4]