From bad to worse.
There are days I just feel like I can't continue the fight...
So, I'm four days out of surgery and do feel a lot better now. The first 10 hours sucked ass since all I did was vomit non-stop. Not sure what caused it, perhaps the fact I was under longer than I should have, or perhaps the fact the nurse mixed up the charts and gave me a vicodin I wasn't supposed to have when I woke up.
Throughout this whole ordeal I've tried to think positive, although there are days when all I want to do is cry. I kept thinking before the surgery, oh its just a polyp this'll be fine.
So it wasn't just a polyp. Turns out I have PCOS, endometriosis and Asherman's syndrome.
At the moment, I'm a huge mix of upset, anger, disbelief at the unfairness of it all and just feeling like I might be close to burn out.
The anger stems from the fact the Asherman's (means my uterine walls were sticking together) was more than likely caused by the doctor at U of M being overly aggressive during my d & c when I miscarried. There is really no other cause for the condition. I was never told that a d & c could cause such a condition and the doctor who performed it seemed more interested in making sure she was somewhere at four than my comfort or feelings considering I was losing a baby.
If I had been forewarned this was a possible outcome I would have insisted the doctor go with the original plan which would have been to induce it chemically. Longer and more painful to be sure, but practically no incidence of Asherman's recorded.
Then there is the matter of the endometriosis.
I may have always had it, but it can occur as the result of Asherman's. So its entirely possible that U of M is responsible for TWO of the conditions which have more than likely rendered me infertile. If not both then they are at least responsible for one.
Its hard enough to get pregnant, with endometriosis, but to add Asherman's on top of that?
The doctor separated the walls, and I'm now on estrogen to help them heal. But there is no guarantee they will heal well enough for me to be able to have a baby.
They could heal perfectly, they could stick together again and need separating again, they could heal but with pockets of impefect healing which would stop an egg from implanting.
I don't know how bad the Asherman's was I know my uterus wasn't completely blocked by it so that is promising I guess.
From what hubby understands though the endometriosis WAS BAD! The doctor was apparently only able to clear up one side because the endo was too near my bladder on the other side. In order to do that they would probably need to do a laparotomy. Which sounds worse than it is, really all that means is instead of a small incision I'd have a larger one.
Much longer recovery time though.
The visit before we saw the doctor she had seemed hopefully that we could still try even if she found endo, so we'll see what she says at my appointment friday.
I do know she told hubby woman usually have one of these conditions, I have all three! I expect the young surgeon she had assissting her thought it was his birthday when they got that scope in there.
Thursday for sure, after I'd taken a sip of water and had it come back plus some for the tenth time I wasn't sure I could put myself through this again.
Because if she says we still have a chance and I don't get pregnant I will have to go through this again. The drugs they will give me to suppress the endo would mean I can't get pregnant. So in order to try and conceive I can't take them which means the endo will grow back.
If I don't get preggo then it will eventually need to be removed again.
Course all this is moot if we go in friday and she says, you're way too much of a mess there is no point.
It probably seems stupid to be stressing about this now, after all we could get in there friday and she could be really positive about it. But like a friend pointed out, well if she's getting paid why wouldn't she?
I've been holding in the negative for so long though I think it just finally needs to come to the surface so I can get it all out.
I know everyone means well when they keep telilng me don't worry it'll happen soon.
Or have a friend who got told they would never have kids and now they have 3, well you know what that doesn't make me feel any better. If anything it just makes me more bitter.
I think I'm sick of trying to be positive or being told I should think positive. Why aren't I just allowed to be upset about this for a while?
I'm sure there will be a point where the sun will come out and I won't be so upset about this, but can I just be allowed to be sad for a while? What is wrong with that?
So, I'm four days out of surgery and do feel a lot better now. The first 10 hours sucked ass since all I did was vomit non-stop. Not sure what caused it, perhaps the fact I was under longer than I should have, or perhaps the fact the nurse mixed up the charts and gave me a vicodin I wasn't supposed to have when I woke up.
Throughout this whole ordeal I've tried to think positive, although there are days when all I want to do is cry. I kept thinking before the surgery, oh its just a polyp this'll be fine.
So it wasn't just a polyp. Turns out I have PCOS, endometriosis and Asherman's syndrome.
At the moment, I'm a huge mix of upset, anger, disbelief at the unfairness of it all and just feeling like I might be close to burn out.
The anger stems from the fact the Asherman's (means my uterine walls were sticking together) was more than likely caused by the doctor at U of M being overly aggressive during my d & c when I miscarried. There is really no other cause for the condition. I was never told that a d & c could cause such a condition and the doctor who performed it seemed more interested in making sure she was somewhere at four than my comfort or feelings considering I was losing a baby.
If I had been forewarned this was a possible outcome I would have insisted the doctor go with the original plan which would have been to induce it chemically. Longer and more painful to be sure, but practically no incidence of Asherman's recorded.
Then there is the matter of the endometriosis.
I may have always had it, but it can occur as the result of Asherman's. So its entirely possible that U of M is responsible for TWO of the conditions which have more than likely rendered me infertile. If not both then they are at least responsible for one.
Its hard enough to get pregnant, with endometriosis, but to add Asherman's on top of that?
The doctor separated the walls, and I'm now on estrogen to help them heal. But there is no guarantee they will heal well enough for me to be able to have a baby.
They could heal perfectly, they could stick together again and need separating again, they could heal but with pockets of impefect healing which would stop an egg from implanting.
I don't know how bad the Asherman's was I know my uterus wasn't completely blocked by it so that is promising I guess.
From what hubby understands though the endometriosis WAS BAD! The doctor was apparently only able to clear up one side because the endo was too near my bladder on the other side. In order to do that they would probably need to do a laparotomy. Which sounds worse than it is, really all that means is instead of a small incision I'd have a larger one.
Much longer recovery time though.
The visit before we saw the doctor she had seemed hopefully that we could still try even if she found endo, so we'll see what she says at my appointment friday.
I do know she told hubby woman usually have one of these conditions, I have all three! I expect the young surgeon she had assissting her thought it was his birthday when they got that scope in there.
Thursday for sure, after I'd taken a sip of water and had it come back plus some for the tenth time I wasn't sure I could put myself through this again.
Because if she says we still have a chance and I don't get pregnant I will have to go through this again. The drugs they will give me to suppress the endo would mean I can't get pregnant. So in order to try and conceive I can't take them which means the endo will grow back.
If I don't get preggo then it will eventually need to be removed again.
Course all this is moot if we go in friday and she says, you're way too much of a mess there is no point.
It probably seems stupid to be stressing about this now, after all we could get in there friday and she could be really positive about it. But like a friend pointed out, well if she's getting paid why wouldn't she?
I've been holding in the negative for so long though I think it just finally needs to come to the surface so I can get it all out.
I know everyone means well when they keep telilng me don't worry it'll happen soon.
Or have a friend who got told they would never have kids and now they have 3, well you know what that doesn't make me feel any better. If anything it just makes me more bitter.
I think I'm sick of trying to be positive or being told I should think positive. Why aren't I just allowed to be upset about this for a while?
I'm sure there will be a point where the sun will come out and I won't be so upset about this, but can I just be allowed to be sad for a while? What is wrong with that?