Just arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!
I can't believe how long its been here and I guess its kind of sad I only seem to return when I have something I need to scream about.
But I guess this place is my rant place.
So the last time I was here I was lamenting about ever being able to get pregnant again. Well the doctor finally gave me the all clear from the AS in January.
We paid out of pocket for an IUI, I had to do injectables, but we got pregnant second time we tried. Great yeah?
Well apparently nothing can be easy when it comes to this.
So first off, first beta looked great. Then the doctor after the second test, didn't like what they were seeing and told me I was going to miscarry. (Because that is a great way to not stress a pregnant woman out). Also they tell me to stop taking all the supplementary crap they put me on. They had me on extra progesterone and baby aspirin to help the baby stick, since I had a miscarriage the last time.
It was made even worse when I came in for my third blood test and Nurse Karen decided to be nice and sensitive and butt into the room even though she wasn't taking my blood, to ask me if I had started to pass material yet. Nice!
Third beta says my numbers are still rising, albeit the numbers are not as high as they would like. So now they send me home, tell me to come back in a week. What they don't tell me is that they suspect I am having an ectopic pregnancy. Hubby and I did a crap ton of research and kind of figured out their thinking on our own.
But isn't that something I should have been made aware of?
So, thus far, what should be a super happy, fantastic time is nothing but worry and stress and upset.
First ultrasound went great. Not only was it not in the tubes, but smack bang in the middle. We could see the gestational sac and the yolk. Dr says we can be cautiously optimistic and says I can go back on the supplements.
Second u/s was today and now we are back to possible heartbreak. There is definite growth from last time, there is a fetal pole, but we got no heartbeat. Estimating me to be 7weeks and 2 days we should have seen one.
Dr Hayes is giving it another week to be sure, but basically isn't very optimistic. The only good news she could say, was that the chances of conception for a normal couple are 60%. But she said for a couple with ovulation issues like us, chances of conception increase with a pregnancy, even if that pregnancy doesn't work out.
So our chances of conceiving are now 80% Somehow, that isn't really very comforting right now though.
In some ways, this seems easier than last time. I've been through it before and after 3 years of no success because of the unknown AS, just getting pregnant was such a miracle in itself, that I'm grateful for that much.
In other ways its so much harder. We wanted this one so much more. Not that we didn't really want the first one, but losing the first one, made us really, really want this one.
I don't even want to think right now about how horrible the actual loss is going to be. Last time I didn't really experience it. Since they told me a d&c was for the best. This time I will fight tooth and nail to avoid that, considering the risks of the AS coming back were they to perform one.
I don't look forward to collecting the 'material' for testing. But if going the long winded and more painful route means no risk of AS I'll take it over the d&c.
I don't want to have to spend another year enduring surgeries to repair my uterus just to be able to conceive again.
I guess at the forefront of my mind is just how badly I feel that this is just so fucking unfair. Hubby and I have just worked so hard and been through so much, so why are we being denied something like this.
Why are we constantly being denied the happiness of being parents, when so many molesters and abusers get to become one?
We are good people, I know we would make good parents and somehow it just feels like we keep being punished.
Just argggggggggggggggggggggggggh!
But I guess this place is my rant place.
So the last time I was here I was lamenting about ever being able to get pregnant again. Well the doctor finally gave me the all clear from the AS in January.
We paid out of pocket for an IUI, I had to do injectables, but we got pregnant second time we tried. Great yeah?
Well apparently nothing can be easy when it comes to this.
So first off, first beta looked great. Then the doctor after the second test, didn't like what they were seeing and told me I was going to miscarry. (Because that is a great way to not stress a pregnant woman out). Also they tell me to stop taking all the supplementary crap they put me on. They had me on extra progesterone and baby aspirin to help the baby stick, since I had a miscarriage the last time.
It was made even worse when I came in for my third blood test and Nurse Karen decided to be nice and sensitive and butt into the room even though she wasn't taking my blood, to ask me if I had started to pass material yet. Nice!
Third beta says my numbers are still rising, albeit the numbers are not as high as they would like. So now they send me home, tell me to come back in a week. What they don't tell me is that they suspect I am having an ectopic pregnancy. Hubby and I did a crap ton of research and kind of figured out their thinking on our own.
But isn't that something I should have been made aware of?
So, thus far, what should be a super happy, fantastic time is nothing but worry and stress and upset.
First ultrasound went great. Not only was it not in the tubes, but smack bang in the middle. We could see the gestational sac and the yolk. Dr says we can be cautiously optimistic and says I can go back on the supplements.
Second u/s was today and now we are back to possible heartbreak. There is definite growth from last time, there is a fetal pole, but we got no heartbeat. Estimating me to be 7weeks and 2 days we should have seen one.
Dr Hayes is giving it another week to be sure, but basically isn't very optimistic. The only good news she could say, was that the chances of conception for a normal couple are 60%. But she said for a couple with ovulation issues like us, chances of conception increase with a pregnancy, even if that pregnancy doesn't work out.
So our chances of conceiving are now 80% Somehow, that isn't really very comforting right now though.
In some ways, this seems easier than last time. I've been through it before and after 3 years of no success because of the unknown AS, just getting pregnant was such a miracle in itself, that I'm grateful for that much.
In other ways its so much harder. We wanted this one so much more. Not that we didn't really want the first one, but losing the first one, made us really, really want this one.
I don't even want to think right now about how horrible the actual loss is going to be. Last time I didn't really experience it. Since they told me a d&c was for the best. This time I will fight tooth and nail to avoid that, considering the risks of the AS coming back were they to perform one.
I don't look forward to collecting the 'material' for testing. But if going the long winded and more painful route means no risk of AS I'll take it over the d&c.
I don't want to have to spend another year enduring surgeries to repair my uterus just to be able to conceive again.
I guess at the forefront of my mind is just how badly I feel that this is just so fucking unfair. Hubby and I have just worked so hard and been through so much, so why are we being denied something like this.
Why are we constantly being denied the happiness of being parents, when so many molesters and abusers get to become one?
We are good people, I know we would make good parents and somehow it just feels like we keep being punished.
Just argggggggggggggggggggggggggh!