my voice fails me, but my hands/fingers dont.
*sigh*
so life is pretty sucky right now. i am trying SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to keep a better outlook and shit....but its not working. i dont know whats going on. maybe it has to do with the fact that life is sooooo hard right now. my mom is sick and no matter what i say, she wont allow me to take her to the doctor. i fucken hit my truck and dented it up. that shit pissed me off and made me very annoyed with my truck. my sister is still, STILL not doing anything to help financially around the house. my other sister wont help with anything, but she will bitch and whine. my mom and dad are fighting...i swear to god, one day he will slap her hard across the face. and all because she cant keep her fucken mouth shut. arrogrant and stubborn lady. my job is hell. i am making sooooo little hours.
i have already made a resume. i just need to have some people look at it. i have had three people opening tell me they will be references, and one was a lady i havent spoken to since elementary, but was sooo happy to help me. lol....she made me feel good. man, i really need a better job.
my friendships are dying. or something to that extent. i blame myself really. i mean....i am the one who wont talk to anyone.
my friends from work are getting angry about my 'attitude' in the morning. but, its the morning, i thought i made this clear. i cant get over that. i need the have all that morning bullshit routine pass and then i can be "chipper". i guess that doesnt fly with people. and even when i try to be "chipper", i dont get a response. its most definitely a lose-lose situation. my step-dad told me that i need to change my mood...i am making their lives bitter. after the initial shock, i just stared blantly and tried not to walk off. i dont know what i felt, to be honest. it was.....weird. i dont want to be bitter about how i am losing soo many hours, but it sucks....cause....it just does. damn, fucken job.
the two most important people in my world have told me, in not so many words, that i am unreliable. because i have missed some phonecalls from them, they say they just wont bother anymore. and its funny, cause, now....i walk around with my phone in my hand, hoping and praying that one of them in particular will call....just so i can know i am not dead in their world. i am sorry, if i pissed you off, and didnt answer it...but i fucken called back. and right after too. that yelling was totally uncalled for. til this day, your words ring harsh in my ears and rumbled the pieces of my heart.
i dont know whats wrong with my mind. i cant remember things. just today, i sat there for 20 mins, trying for the life of me to remember my password to get into my computer at work....and i swear, i almost cried because i couldnt remember it. no matter how hard i tried, i just couldnt think of it. i had to call my step-dad (who isnt my dad, by the way, but cares for me like was) to use his. i felt sooooo completely lost. i felt soooo stupid too. and it scared me so much. i had just typed it like two minutes before, and had to use it in another computer to set up a lady to work on it, and i just couldnt remember. i have been typing this password for months now, and i cant remember, even as i type this, i dont have a clue as to what it is. how could i be sooo fucken forgetful. this is soooo fustrating.
i need to sleep. i would really love just a couple of days off. just to think. just to sleep. i really think i am at the brink of a mental breakdown. and i dont want to......i hate being weak.....dammit! :*(
its late.....i should go to sleep.
i know this is stupid of me to be down on, but i have prayed for my dream line-up for three years now, and i wont get to see it. i would have do anything to see my dream concert (projekt revolution tour). stupid pre-sales. dammit. everyone and their mama had one. sooo fucken stupid. i have to give it to mcr fans though....fucken obsessive and very determined.....fuck. all i have to say, is why am i paying so much for high-speed internet, if it still wasnt quick enough, even after we got on right at 4:00?!?!?!?
i dont want to be depressed/emotional/whatever. i just wish there was something to......*sigh*
yeah......i want this to be over with.
in other news.....my step-dad keeps trying to talk me into going to a gynocologist (sp?). LMAO! ROFL! man.....he seriously cares about me....even cares about my vag. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! he rocks though. no matter what kind of attitude i give him, or what a bitch i can be....he still gets in my fucken face (with sincerity and compassion, mind you) and always makes me feel like he really wants me in his life. i told him today that i really appreciate him. he got all kinds of blushy. hahahahahah! too cute!
yeah.....sooo this is getting long.
sorry if none of this makes any sense. lol.
hugs and all that stuff.......<3 ya'll!
elle♥
p.s can i just say i am bummed that i missed shiny toy guns when they passed through here??? i didnt even know they did. 0_o. see....where the fuck is my mind?!?!??! i feel the same way i did when i missed p@td (3 x's) and tai...(2 x's), bummed.
p.p.s can i also say, that i hate this guy i work with??? okay, not hate...too strong of a word, but i strongly DEPISE him!!!!!! he made me feel stupid, insignificant and worser than i already did. fucken asshole....HEY DANIEL.....GET OFF HER FUCKEN NIPS DOUCHE BAG!!!! yeah....can i kick him the balls once or twice....asshole has made me look bad three times now.....FUCK YOU AND YOUR 'I AM SOO FUCKEN PUNK ROCK!' PERSONA! GO SUCK ON YOUR OWN NUTZ ASSWIPE!!!!! *grrrrrrr*
*blush*
he really does get on my nerves. hahahahahah! and i really did want to be his friend...but he is crossing boundries and that shit dont fly with me. NUH-UH! *snaps fingers back and forth* *giggles*
so life is pretty sucky right now. i am trying SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to keep a better outlook and shit....but its not working. i dont know whats going on. maybe it has to do with the fact that life is sooooo hard right now. my mom is sick and no matter what i say, she wont allow me to take her to the doctor. i fucken hit my truck and dented it up. that shit pissed me off and made me very annoyed with my truck. my sister is still, STILL not doing anything to help financially around the house. my other sister wont help with anything, but she will bitch and whine. my mom and dad are fighting...i swear to god, one day he will slap her hard across the face. and all because she cant keep her fucken mouth shut. arrogrant and stubborn lady. my job is hell. i am making sooooo little hours.
i have already made a resume. i just need to have some people look at it. i have had three people opening tell me they will be references, and one was a lady i havent spoken to since elementary, but was sooo happy to help me. lol....she made me feel good. man, i really need a better job.
my friendships are dying. or something to that extent. i blame myself really. i mean....i am the one who wont talk to anyone.
my friends from work are getting angry about my 'attitude' in the morning. but, its the morning, i thought i made this clear. i cant get over that. i need the have all that morning bullshit routine pass and then i can be "chipper". i guess that doesnt fly with people. and even when i try to be "chipper", i dont get a response. its most definitely a lose-lose situation. my step-dad told me that i need to change my mood...i am making their lives bitter. after the initial shock, i just stared blantly and tried not to walk off. i dont know what i felt, to be honest. it was.....weird. i dont want to be bitter about how i am losing soo many hours, but it sucks....cause....it just does. damn, fucken job.
the two most important people in my world have told me, in not so many words, that i am unreliable. because i have missed some phonecalls from them, they say they just wont bother anymore. and its funny, cause, now....i walk around with my phone in my hand, hoping and praying that one of them in particular will call....just so i can know i am not dead in their world. i am sorry, if i pissed you off, and didnt answer it...but i fucken called back. and right after too. that yelling was totally uncalled for. til this day, your words ring harsh in my ears and rumbled the pieces of my heart.
i dont know whats wrong with my mind. i cant remember things. just today, i sat there for 20 mins, trying for the life of me to remember my password to get into my computer at work....and i swear, i almost cried because i couldnt remember it. no matter how hard i tried, i just couldnt think of it. i had to call my step-dad (who isnt my dad, by the way, but cares for me like was) to use his. i felt sooooo completely lost. i felt soooo stupid too. and it scared me so much. i had just typed it like two minutes before, and had to use it in another computer to set up a lady to work on it, and i just couldnt remember. i have been typing this password for months now, and i cant remember, even as i type this, i dont have a clue as to what it is. how could i be sooo fucken forgetful. this is soooo fustrating.
i need to sleep. i would really love just a couple of days off. just to think. just to sleep. i really think i am at the brink of a mental breakdown. and i dont want to......i hate being weak.....dammit! :*(
its late.....i should go to sleep.
i know this is stupid of me to be down on, but i have prayed for my dream line-up for three years now, and i wont get to see it. i would have do anything to see my dream concert (projekt revolution tour). stupid pre-sales. dammit. everyone and their mama had one. sooo fucken stupid. i have to give it to mcr fans though....fucken obsessive and very determined.....fuck. all i have to say, is why am i paying so much for high-speed internet, if it still wasnt quick enough, even after we got on right at 4:00?!?!?!?
i dont want to be depressed/emotional/whatever. i just wish there was something to......*sigh*
yeah......i want this to be over with.
in other news.....my step-dad keeps trying to talk me into going to a gynocologist (sp?). LMAO! ROFL! man.....he seriously cares about me....even cares about my vag. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! he rocks though. no matter what kind of attitude i give him, or what a bitch i can be....he still gets in my fucken face (with sincerity and compassion, mind you) and always makes me feel like he really wants me in his life. i told him today that i really appreciate him. he got all kinds of blushy. hahahahahah! too cute!
yeah.....sooo this is getting long.
sorry if none of this makes any sense. lol.
hugs and all that stuff.......<3 ya'll!
elle♥
p.s can i just say i am bummed that i missed shiny toy guns when they passed through here??? i didnt even know they did. 0_o. see....where the fuck is my mind?!?!??! i feel the same way i did when i missed p@td (3 x's) and tai...(2 x's), bummed.
p.p.s can i also say, that i hate this guy i work with??? okay, not hate...too strong of a word, but i strongly DEPISE him!!!!!! he made me feel stupid, insignificant and worser than i already did. fucken asshole....HEY DANIEL.....GET OFF HER FUCKEN NIPS DOUCHE BAG!!!! yeah....can i kick him the balls once or twice....asshole has made me look bad three times now.....FUCK YOU AND YOUR 'I AM SOO FUCKEN PUNK ROCK!' PERSONA! GO SUCK ON YOUR OWN NUTZ ASSWIPE!!!!! *grrrrrrr*
*blush*
he really does get on my nerves. hahahahahah! and i really did want to be his friend...but he is crossing boundries and that shit dont fly with me. NUH-UH! *snaps fingers back and forth* *giggles*