I don't know...
It's so odd...People never really think about how suddenly things can be lost and when something is lost, we're left in that 'is this real' kind of moment. It think it also pretty crazy that something can have an effect on you when, had you asked last week about it, the answer would have been noncommittal. Last night--or this morning I guess--was exactly this. There was no pause between when we were told the name and when I started crying, perhaps because we had known for some five minutes that something had happened without knowing who...maybe because of that.
I don't know.
Either way, it was kind of surprising how we immediately lost it, I think. Just a few minutes before we had been joking around, you know? And then it all just stopped and turned completely around to crying and feeling sick and not quite believing it.
Like I said, it is one of those things…where if you had asked me who he was a week ago, I would have said something along the lines of “Oh, him? He’s one of the mods. The one who gave me that infraction” and nothing more. I would not have thought twice about it, after that. I mean, I’d seen him around but never actually got to talk to him, you know? So I was sort of shocked how quickly the tears hit me.
I guess part of it was that I was surprised and because it was so sudden and unexpected…but a lot of it had to do with the fact that I really do think of the people on SOL as ‘Family’, whether I get to talk to them often or not. I guess the same can be said about the JRR Forum. I mean…We are a bunch of people who share interests yet are often ridiculously different from each other…yet for the most part we tend to get along unbelievably well. I keep having these (oh Miyavi…your timing is impeccable) ‘I wish I would have talked to him more’ thoughts but I guess it couldn’t be helped, right? We can’t all talk to everyone, so I guess it’s not right to be like that now that he is gone.
It is so weird to see the world go on around those of us who know. It is so weird to see people on the same forum who don’t have any idea what is going on being so cheerful and energetic while the handful of us who do know just kind of sit back and watch. Tok and I both had to step out of the SOL thread, I think, because our own moods clashed with the thread’s…and the people in the thread. I certainly wasn’t going to tell Eiri what was going on…I don’t think I could. I mean, I don’t know if he would be effected quite like we were but you never know…
I hate to think this negatively, but this could happen to anyone. Any of us could disappear this suddenly, I could disappear this suddenly. What would happen if I did, I wonder? Would those people who matter most get to hear about it? My best friends? My WW family? My SOL Family? I mean…I think as far as it would get is my best friends. There wouldn’t really be anyone to pass it along, I guess…That’s a really awful thought, that people would not know what happened to me if something did.
I think I’m done. I needed to get that out. Now I think I should shower before my mom leaves…
Love you all.
Goryu,
08-13-07,
Muscular Dystrophy.