"Everything that is real comes around."
It's been a while since I last was be one hundred percent sincere where it concerns what's been going on in my life, to be honest..., not with your guys and not with anybody, sometimes including myself.
So, let's pick up exactly where we left. Around Feb 20tth, oh, yes, where everything starts going to shit. Grades drop, girlfriend starts hating me with a reason, friends are lost. To be honest, basically, the only thing that happened was that I started crushing hard somebody while I was still on a very, very serious relationship. I thought going to Scotland and seeing her could possibly make it go away, but it didn't, and understandably, among the reasons for our breakup was my glaring lack of... I don't know, the drive to do things well, I guess. I guess this makes me a horrible person, but I couldn't help it. I'm still very sorry for it, and I never meant it to go this way. I thought we could fix each other, but at the end of the day I was just fickle and lazy enough to send something that was perfect and pure to shit.
I felt like a monster, was devastated and really angry at myself, and Vin, who then was in an identical situation if one changed a girl’s name to a guy’s, was the only one I could really talk to about this. We were close friends back then, and somehow I ended up also tangled in some drama with his psycho-ex, and did something really stupid and really horrible to walk out of this whole thing unscathed. I was this close to being a backstabber, and the real reason why they broke up. I don’t really think my friendship with either of them was ever the same after this.
Around this time I also fought with Drew. A mess, but it was nothing chronic, nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a three-hour talk. A couple of months later, Vin did something to him which I deem unforgivable and which ended almost instantly with our friendship - to cut a long story short, we haven’t talked ever since, and although I miss him sometimes, I don’t think I’ll ever trust him much again.
Around the end of June, my infatuation with aforementioned h0rs had already waned, in part thanks to fandom, exams and all the things nice, and things were more or less normal and back to stable.
I became very close with Anais, my other lesbian friend, which prompted a lot of uncomfortable questions from all the being around each other and whatnot. So I guess from everyone asking and such, we ended up believing it and started making out and the like occasionally from time to time. It’s ended now, both of us have gotten a bit of a bigger sense of priority, but the calibre of the relationship sometimes worries me.
As for the current status of the Salem, well, I guess I'm half-dating somebody, in the sense that if someone likes you a lot and you like that someone a lot as well, the logical conclusion should be to give it a try - and all there is around it is complications, complications.
It's a long story that goes back, once again, a few months, and I've mentioned this person in passing, but I don't think it would really ring true by name. Was infatuated with me for a while, way to show affection was a bit more than questionable, gone a bit into stalker mode, blah blah blah, but I guess the bit I hadn't mentioned is that at some point around the 10th this month, it started to be mutual, and it didn't take long for me to embrace the fact that I was interested, a little bit funny and confusing as it was after my last breakup and whatnot.
So I decided to make a step forward, thought I might be in for something new - because hey, that's what I need, nothing actually wrong with it, can’t mourn forever something that won't be back. To spice things up, I started developing a healthy daily dose of that wonderful "extremely shy, racing heart, losing any appetite, revolted stomach" Feeling Whenever We See That Certain Somebody © all of us have experienced once or twice in our lives.
So I dedicate a few hours to collecting the guts and courage to drop an 'I like you' - all I get as an answer is backing off, insecurity, a few flattering but empty things said to me, and general not speaking to each other for the next few days.
I felt a mix of angry and hurt, but I guess I had just overlooked the golden rule of social interaction: People Are Idiots, and no amount of being keen on somebody can change that.
Fast forward to two weeks ago or so - we sat down, and had a proper conversation about where this was going, but the only real thing I got out of it is the fact that us going out, if at all, is getting postponed to the ends of August in favour of a busy summer, "lots of people to talk to, lots of things from last year to clear up", and I guess if all the people you’ve been interested in get treated like I did, it's no wonder that there’s so much unfinished business in your life.
I’m hopeful, but not too hopeful, and scared, but not too scared - cue the entry in Spanish a few days ago, it's just a long account of what went on in that conversation, and well, after a little bit of thinking, I'm not angry or anxious anymore. In my favour, I basically told Agent Wonderful to straight-out tell me if it was a "no", and I didn't get one, so I s'pose not everything is lost. And I guess somebody's just an idiot if they let the opportunity to fuck *me* slide by. I know a lot about that waif's life, I'm by far the best thing which will ever happen in it.
No, not really.
So, a little bit of occasional insomnia kicking back again, and less than discrete couple of new friends for that, but hey, life's life, and I've pushed the meaning of "Buy the ticket, take the ride" to the extreme as of lately. Nothing’s gonna really change the fact that I keep looking forward to where things are going, and meeting new people, and trying to catch old people back, and things come and go, and welcome to fucking life, Salem, you weren't born yesterday were you.
So, yes. Off my chest it all is, officially. ^_^