011 Daylight
Daylight
PG-15 | EunHae | AU; Angst
Summary: Donghae starts to build from the ruins. (This is parallel with 008 Audacity, but can be read separately.)
Warning: Suicide. (Nope neither of them is directly involved with the suicide, but still deserves a warning.)
2,764 words
---
Donghae is scared.
The bills are piled up on the table and he can’t think of a way to divide his money so that it will suffice - because it doesn’t. He bites his lower lip, and reaches the conclusion he has been dodging for the past few months. He’s moving out.
Siwon lends him a spare room, tells him he doesn’t need to pay the rent until he’s managed to pay off his previous debts, tells him he can eat anything in the fridge, tells him he can watch the TV all he wants, tells him to take it easy. Tiffany visits him one weekend, Ryeowook visits him the next.
He can’t imagine how his life is now confined in the small space of Siwon’s apartment, where he’s more alone than he used to be.
Even though he wants Siwon to keep him company, he can’t really bring himself to demand anything else from him. Evidently, Siwon has given him more than enough.
Ryeowook invites him over for dinner, saying he cooked too much. And Donghae is much too eager to wolf down Ryeowook’s food. He is a good cook, after all. But he also doesn’t forget how this is most probably Ryeowook’s idea of giving him food for free because ever since Hyukjae left, he learned that, apparently, food costs money.
He dodges Ryeowook’s gaze. He knows how badly he wants to talk about the apartment he couldn’t afford, the classes he’s starting to fail, the job he’s barely keeping, the debts he’s scrambling to pay. He fills his stomach with delicious food and he thinks of nothing.
“Listen, have you heard from Hyukjae?”
He stuffs an abnormally huge scoop of rice to his mouth, shakes his head, and stuffs more rice.
Ryeowook lets out a sigh and tells him, “He gave me a call yesterday. He asked about you.”
Donghae swallows everything in one gulp, struggles with the huge amount of food he put in his mouth, and chases it down with water.
“He didn’t want me to tell you, but I thought you should know,” Ryeowook says.
“Thanks, I guess.”
The walk back to Siwon’s apartment is chilly - it’s only a few blocks away and he can’t see the point in spending money for a cab or bus when he can walk home to save money and exercise, as well (because obviously he doesn’t have money for a gym membership anymore).
It transforms to a contemplative walk because there are only a few people on the streets going about their own business. He can’t help but envy the men in suits walking with a resolute expression on their face. It’s not as if he has lost his purpose, he still does have it - get Hyukjae back. It’s written in bold letters across his subconscious, underlined with a neon yellow marker, with sparkles all over it. But it’s been almost a year since they broke up.
For Donghae, this phase of getting Hyukjae back ended a few months back, when his sister died. The police dismissed it as suicide, without really looking into it. It became conclusive when they found this letter she wrote - a suicide note, a few days after she passed away.
Since then, his life has consisted of getting out of Siwon’s hair, instead, and getting back on track. He’s doing it, albeit very slowly. For the past few months following his sister’s death, he has worked himself to the point of over-exhaustion. He’s slowly managing to pay off his debts and has done a rough calculation that after two months, he’d be able to live in an apartment of his own again. Or, pay half of Siwon’s bills and stay there without a guilty conscience.
He sighs after turning off his phone and putting it on his back pocket. He decides he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Hyukjae at the moment. Not when his sister’s death is still looming over his head like a selective cloud of rain constantly above him.
--
I hope I die.
Donghae wakes from his dream - another nightmare. It’s a relatively light nightmare because he doesn’t break down first thing in the morning. It’s either that or he’s just used to his sister starring on his dreams. On good days, she speaks to him - his subconscious replays random conversations they had together, highlighting the bits which could’ve hinted on her being depressed, or sad, or lonely, or struggling - or whatever it was she felt when she decided to end her life. On bad days, she reenacts her death for him to watch. All the bloody bits of it.
His body goes on autopilot as soon as he knocks the alarm clock off the table and he realizes that today’s bloody Monday, time to go to those classes he’s dreading. It somehow consoles him that he’s on a scholarship, that he doesn’t have to pay for his lessons and laboratory fees. It makes him feel awful, however, knowing that he’s on the verge of failing. And if he does, they’d strip him off his scholarship.
So he goes to his classes, still, and pleads all the gods to give back to him the passion for learning that he used to have.
His sister becomes an afterthought, but not exactly.
I hope it hangs on the air and leave a bitter taste on their mouth.
Donghae remembers because that’s becoming the most important and easiest task of every day. He remembers his sister and the tears rolling down her face and how he thought - but didn’t say, that she was being childish. He remembers her calling him over the phone that night asking how his day was, how he was coping without Hyukjae, if he wanted to crash her place over the weekend since it’s half-empty, anyway, how she loved him so, how grateful she was for having a brother like him - sweet, caring, charming and generally fun to be with. He remembers how he put down the phone, shaking his head a little because she’s really crazy and random and he’s full of love for every little thing she was.
I hope I die right now.
He remembers Hyukjae, too. But ever since his sister died, he remembers less and less of Hyukjae and more of her and their cozy little house away from the city - now abandoned, and most probably filled with dust.
--
“Hey,” Hyukjae greets him over a cup of iced coffee.
The place isn’t crowded and it’s almost eleven in the evening. Ultimately, it’s Tiffany that lures him to the lion’s den. Or Hyukjae’s table, more like. She invites him for late night dinner but leads him to his usual Starbucks, where Hyukjae waits for him. Tiffany leaves as soon as Donghae shows no sign of retaliation.
“I just wanted to see for myself that you’re okay.” He says quietly. All the silence in the cafe was making it more difficult to talk to him. Yes, he can clearly hear him speaking, but the words don’t really make sense. Because, Hyukjae, if you care so much about me, you shouldn’t have left me in the first place.
“I’m okay,” Donghae says politely, as he wonders how he’s managing to stay put and sip from his cup so calmly. “Thanks, but you don’t have to do this,” he finishes, referring to the concern Hyukjae’s showing over, of course, his general state of mind after having his sister die.
Hyukjae extends his hand to Donghae’s, which is conveniently placed atop the table. “Donghae, I’m really sorry.”
Donghae laughs a little, without meaning to, but he can’t stop himself. “Sorry,” he whispers and presses his lips together, forming a straight line.
“I’ll take you home.”
This time, Hyukjae gives up and drives Donghae home in silence.
It’s strange, Donghae muses. It’s strange that Hyukjae still has a car while he seems to have lost everything since he left - also, his sister. He finds it weird that he seems to be the one on the losing end, and he didn’t realize that before. At the back of his mind, he has imagined Hyukjae to be having as much trouble as he was having. But, apparently, he’s better off without him. And that makes his throat feel dry all of a sudden.
They reach Siwon’s apartment. Hyukjae is extremely kind to walk him to his door, too. “Goodnight,” he bids.
Donghae wordlessly unlocks the door and makes his way in, turning to Hyukjae at the last moment before he closes the door altogether. “Goodbye.”
He closes the door and the automatic metallic beep as it did is extremely loud against the silence of the apartment and what lies beyond it. Donghae clutches at the keys and marches to his room, quickly heading to bed without much fussing. Hyukjae, on the other side of the door, waits for the silence to stop.
It doesn’t.
--
Hyukjae meets Siwon on his way out and gets invited to stay the night, which he accepts wholeheartedly. Siwon’s body clock is busted by staying in Los Angeles for weeks and he can’t sleep just yet.
They sit outside on the balcony so Siwon can smoke. They drink beer and Siwon rages about the lack of booze in his office. And he complains about these things and that. Hyukjae wonders in silence about how a model’s life can be so hard. He contemplates on Siwon’s physical absence in Donghae’s life, but having the most impact - giving him a roof over his head and food for his stomach. He thinks of Ryeowook and how he tirelessly talks to Donghae, despite his not having proper conversational skills as of late. He thinks of Tiffany and how she makes sure Donghae is okay, that she takes him to see the movies, that she invites him out for coffee.
And then he thinks of his phone calls to these three friends asking about Donghae. He thinks of reasons why he didn’t call Donghae, instead.
“Do you want me to talk to Donghae for you?” Siwon says. When Hyukjae makes excuses and pretends he had been listening all the while - and fails, Siwon adds, “Well, you’ve been staring at his door for the past hour. Did you try talking to him?”
Hyukjae nods but a frown graces his lips.
“Well, you can always try again.”
Not always, Hyukjae thinks. But this time, he knows he will try again. After all, everything is his fault - leaving Donghae had been his choice, and his alone. After Donghae’s sister died, the desire to go back to Donghae and just hold him close filled Hyukjae’s every waking moment.
“Do you regret it?” Hyukjae laughs and Siwon realizes how stupid his question was, how obvious Hyukjae’s answer was going to be. “Okay,” He says, “When did you start to regret it?”
There is a pause and Hyukjae finds himself looking over at Donghae’s door.
He never did answer the question. He thinks that he was regretting it as he was doing it. The first time he didn’t come home, he cried. He knew he was starting to leave but he couldn’t do it at once. He started emptying the house gradually, but came to a realization that having to come back was harder, was infinitely lonelier than leaving him all at once. But he couldn’t stop. So he didn’t.
Siwon places a bunch of keys atop the table. “You’d find one that’ll open his door in this bunch. If it’s locked. I’m not telling you to go ahead and barge in his life again, Hyukjae, because you can’t even begin to imagine how heartbroken he was.” He opens the sliding door and starts to walk across the living area to his own room. “But, I guess, I didn’t realize you were, too. So, you have the key. You decide what to do with it.”
“Thanks.”
“Yeah, well.” Siwon yawns, finally, and bids him goodnight. “Wake me up for lunch, will you?”
“I will.”
--
In the silence and semi-darkness of Siwon’s apartment, Hyukjae walks to Donghae’s door, with the keys in his hand. He turns the knob and realizes it isn’t locked. He braves his way in and looks at Donghae’s sleeping form under the covers.
The only light that’s illuminating his face slightly is coming from outside - probably the streetlights or the moon, but Hyukjae didn’t have much time to think about it. He looks at Donghae’s face, really looks at him, and he sees the gentle curves, the immaculate skin, the subtle lines, the peace that overcomes every single thing that’s wrong with his life at the moment.
Hyukjae takes a sharp intake of breath, and Donghae’s scent overpowers his senses.
He slips under the blanket, careful not to wake him. He holds him from behind, and his fingers fist his shirt, his eyes are closed and his forehead is against Donghae’s back. He realizes how much he misses having Donghae in breathing distance. He realizes how sad he is with the new version of his life - the one without Donghae, the one who left Donghae, the one who’s doing well on his own, the one without proper sleep, the one filled with guilt.
“I miss you,” he whispers, unaware of Donghae’s current state of consciousness. He doesn’t know and doesn’t care whether Donghae’s aware of this or not, he just wants to be beside him, to make sure he’s breathing, to make sure he’s okay.
--
Donghae opens his eyes slowly, feels the weight of an arm across his body, smells the distinct scent that is Hyukjae. He stills for a moment and wonders if he’s still dreaming. He turns a little and sees Hyukjae in flesh, wearing the same set of clothes he was wearing the night before. It has to be real.
Hyukjae looks up at him, realizing he’s now half-awake. His bloodshot eyes are on the verge of giving out on him, but he chooses to stare at Donghae’s perfection, because he knows this will soon be over. As soon as the morning comes, he’d have to walk out of his room and his life. He knows that tonight is an exception, a stolen chance at mending things that he thinks he can be the one to mend.
Somehow, at the back of his mind, and above his state of half-consciousness, Donghae knows this, too. So, he lets Hyukjae’s hand touch his face.
It is so familiar, yet so alienating at the same time. His eyes flutter to a close as soon as Hyukjae makes a move to close the little distance they have between each other, to kiss the top of his head.
Donghae begins to panic. He begins to remember how Hyukjae had been the biggest part of his life - if not all of it, and he realizes that it was the reason why he was so disoriented when he was left alone to fend for himself. He begins to remember how sad he was when his sister died, how he couldn’t sleep, at all. And he begins to remember how he didn’t even cry. He remembers how he didn’t cry when Hyukjae left him, too.
He welcomes the surge of tears and lets it out, because, finally, he has someone to hold him as he does.
Hyukjae holds him close as he cries for the death of his sister and for Hyukjae ultimately breaking his heart. He cries for all the moments he had to spend alone, for all the looks of pity that his friends gave him, for all the times his friends were scared he’d take his life, too, for all the phone calls from his parents he refused, for all the pressure he’s been living with, for all the disappointments in his life he had to face alone.
Donghae cries for the first time in almost a year and Hyukjae feels compelled to be there for him.
When his tears run dry, Hyukjae waits. Donghae glances at the clock and realizes that soon, it will be time for Hyukjae to leave, to vanish, as if last night didn’t even happen, like it was all a dream.
--
Siwon greets him in the morning, announcing his plans of having no plans at all for the whole week. He doesn’t mention Hyukjae. He doesn’t say anything about the bottles of beer on the balcony, the food that neither of them prepared, the scent that’s distinctly Hyukjae’s that lingers on Donghae’s room, clothes, skin.
This doesn’t make it any easier for Donghae to pretend that Hyukjae was never there.
--
PG-15 | EunHae | AU; Angst
Summary: Donghae starts to build from the ruins. (This is parallel with 008 Audacity, but can be read separately.)
Warning: Suicide. (Nope neither of them is directly involved with the suicide, but still deserves a warning.)
2,764 words
---
Donghae is scared.
The bills are piled up on the table and he can’t think of a way to divide his money so that it will suffice - because it doesn’t. He bites his lower lip, and reaches the conclusion he has been dodging for the past few months. He’s moving out.
Siwon lends him a spare room, tells him he doesn’t need to pay the rent until he’s managed to pay off his previous debts, tells him he can eat anything in the fridge, tells him he can watch the TV all he wants, tells him to take it easy. Tiffany visits him one weekend, Ryeowook visits him the next.
He can’t imagine how his life is now confined in the small space of Siwon’s apartment, where he’s more alone than he used to be.
Even though he wants Siwon to keep him company, he can’t really bring himself to demand anything else from him. Evidently, Siwon has given him more than enough.
Ryeowook invites him over for dinner, saying he cooked too much. And Donghae is much too eager to wolf down Ryeowook’s food. He is a good cook, after all. But he also doesn’t forget how this is most probably Ryeowook’s idea of giving him food for free because ever since Hyukjae left, he learned that, apparently, food costs money.
He dodges Ryeowook’s gaze. He knows how badly he wants to talk about the apartment he couldn’t afford, the classes he’s starting to fail, the job he’s barely keeping, the debts he’s scrambling to pay. He fills his stomach with delicious food and he thinks of nothing.
“Listen, have you heard from Hyukjae?”
He stuffs an abnormally huge scoop of rice to his mouth, shakes his head, and stuffs more rice.
Ryeowook lets out a sigh and tells him, “He gave me a call yesterday. He asked about you.”
Donghae swallows everything in one gulp, struggles with the huge amount of food he put in his mouth, and chases it down with water.
“He didn’t want me to tell you, but I thought you should know,” Ryeowook says.
“Thanks, I guess.”
The walk back to Siwon’s apartment is chilly - it’s only a few blocks away and he can’t see the point in spending money for a cab or bus when he can walk home to save money and exercise, as well (because obviously he doesn’t have money for a gym membership anymore).
It transforms to a contemplative walk because there are only a few people on the streets going about their own business. He can’t help but envy the men in suits walking with a resolute expression on their face. It’s not as if he has lost his purpose, he still does have it - get Hyukjae back. It’s written in bold letters across his subconscious, underlined with a neon yellow marker, with sparkles all over it. But it’s been almost a year since they broke up.
For Donghae, this phase of getting Hyukjae back ended a few months back, when his sister died. The police dismissed it as suicide, without really looking into it. It became conclusive when they found this letter she wrote - a suicide note, a few days after she passed away.
Since then, his life has consisted of getting out of Siwon’s hair, instead, and getting back on track. He’s doing it, albeit very slowly. For the past few months following his sister’s death, he has worked himself to the point of over-exhaustion. He’s slowly managing to pay off his debts and has done a rough calculation that after two months, he’d be able to live in an apartment of his own again. Or, pay half of Siwon’s bills and stay there without a guilty conscience.
He sighs after turning off his phone and putting it on his back pocket. He decides he doesn’t want to have anything to do with Hyukjae at the moment. Not when his sister’s death is still looming over his head like a selective cloud of rain constantly above him.
--
I hope I die.
Donghae wakes from his dream - another nightmare. It’s a relatively light nightmare because he doesn’t break down first thing in the morning. It’s either that or he’s just used to his sister starring on his dreams. On good days, she speaks to him - his subconscious replays random conversations they had together, highlighting the bits which could’ve hinted on her being depressed, or sad, or lonely, or struggling - or whatever it was she felt when she decided to end her life. On bad days, she reenacts her death for him to watch. All the bloody bits of it.
His body goes on autopilot as soon as he knocks the alarm clock off the table and he realizes that today’s bloody Monday, time to go to those classes he’s dreading. It somehow consoles him that he’s on a scholarship, that he doesn’t have to pay for his lessons and laboratory fees. It makes him feel awful, however, knowing that he’s on the verge of failing. And if he does, they’d strip him off his scholarship.
So he goes to his classes, still, and pleads all the gods to give back to him the passion for learning that he used to have.
His sister becomes an afterthought, but not exactly.
I hope it hangs on the air and leave a bitter taste on their mouth.
Donghae remembers because that’s becoming the most important and easiest task of every day. He remembers his sister and the tears rolling down her face and how he thought - but didn’t say, that she was being childish. He remembers her calling him over the phone that night asking how his day was, how he was coping without Hyukjae, if he wanted to crash her place over the weekend since it’s half-empty, anyway, how she loved him so, how grateful she was for having a brother like him - sweet, caring, charming and generally fun to be with. He remembers how he put down the phone, shaking his head a little because she’s really crazy and random and he’s full of love for every little thing she was.
I hope I die right now.
He remembers Hyukjae, too. But ever since his sister died, he remembers less and less of Hyukjae and more of her and their cozy little house away from the city - now abandoned, and most probably filled with dust.
--
“Hey,” Hyukjae greets him over a cup of iced coffee.
The place isn’t crowded and it’s almost eleven in the evening. Ultimately, it’s Tiffany that lures him to the lion’s den. Or Hyukjae’s table, more like. She invites him for late night dinner but leads him to his usual Starbucks, where Hyukjae waits for him. Tiffany leaves as soon as Donghae shows no sign of retaliation.
“I just wanted to see for myself that you’re okay.” He says quietly. All the silence in the cafe was making it more difficult to talk to him. Yes, he can clearly hear him speaking, but the words don’t really make sense. Because, Hyukjae, if you care so much about me, you shouldn’t have left me in the first place.
“I’m okay,” Donghae says politely, as he wonders how he’s managing to stay put and sip from his cup so calmly. “Thanks, but you don’t have to do this,” he finishes, referring to the concern Hyukjae’s showing over, of course, his general state of mind after having his sister die.
Hyukjae extends his hand to Donghae’s, which is conveniently placed atop the table. “Donghae, I’m really sorry.”
Donghae laughs a little, without meaning to, but he can’t stop himself. “Sorry,” he whispers and presses his lips together, forming a straight line.
“I’ll take you home.”
This time, Hyukjae gives up and drives Donghae home in silence.
It’s strange, Donghae muses. It’s strange that Hyukjae still has a car while he seems to have lost everything since he left - also, his sister. He finds it weird that he seems to be the one on the losing end, and he didn’t realize that before. At the back of his mind, he has imagined Hyukjae to be having as much trouble as he was having. But, apparently, he’s better off without him. And that makes his throat feel dry all of a sudden.
They reach Siwon’s apartment. Hyukjae is extremely kind to walk him to his door, too. “Goodnight,” he bids.
Donghae wordlessly unlocks the door and makes his way in, turning to Hyukjae at the last moment before he closes the door altogether. “Goodbye.”
He closes the door and the automatic metallic beep as it did is extremely loud against the silence of the apartment and what lies beyond it. Donghae clutches at the keys and marches to his room, quickly heading to bed without much fussing. Hyukjae, on the other side of the door, waits for the silence to stop.
It doesn’t.
--
Hyukjae meets Siwon on his way out and gets invited to stay the night, which he accepts wholeheartedly. Siwon’s body clock is busted by staying in Los Angeles for weeks and he can’t sleep just yet.
They sit outside on the balcony so Siwon can smoke. They drink beer and Siwon rages about the lack of booze in his office. And he complains about these things and that. Hyukjae wonders in silence about how a model’s life can be so hard. He contemplates on Siwon’s physical absence in Donghae’s life, but having the most impact - giving him a roof over his head and food for his stomach. He thinks of Ryeowook and how he tirelessly talks to Donghae, despite his not having proper conversational skills as of late. He thinks of Tiffany and how she makes sure Donghae is okay, that she takes him to see the movies, that she invites him out for coffee.
And then he thinks of his phone calls to these three friends asking about Donghae. He thinks of reasons why he didn’t call Donghae, instead.
“Do you want me to talk to Donghae for you?” Siwon says. When Hyukjae makes excuses and pretends he had been listening all the while - and fails, Siwon adds, “Well, you’ve been staring at his door for the past hour. Did you try talking to him?”
Hyukjae nods but a frown graces his lips.
“Well, you can always try again.”
Not always, Hyukjae thinks. But this time, he knows he will try again. After all, everything is his fault - leaving Donghae had been his choice, and his alone. After Donghae’s sister died, the desire to go back to Donghae and just hold him close filled Hyukjae’s every waking moment.
“Do you regret it?” Hyukjae laughs and Siwon realizes how stupid his question was, how obvious Hyukjae’s answer was going to be. “Okay,” He says, “When did you start to regret it?”
There is a pause and Hyukjae finds himself looking over at Donghae’s door.
He never did answer the question. He thinks that he was regretting it as he was doing it. The first time he didn’t come home, he cried. He knew he was starting to leave but he couldn’t do it at once. He started emptying the house gradually, but came to a realization that having to come back was harder, was infinitely lonelier than leaving him all at once. But he couldn’t stop. So he didn’t.
Siwon places a bunch of keys atop the table. “You’d find one that’ll open his door in this bunch. If it’s locked. I’m not telling you to go ahead and barge in his life again, Hyukjae, because you can’t even begin to imagine how heartbroken he was.” He opens the sliding door and starts to walk across the living area to his own room. “But, I guess, I didn’t realize you were, too. So, you have the key. You decide what to do with it.”
“Thanks.”
“Yeah, well.” Siwon yawns, finally, and bids him goodnight. “Wake me up for lunch, will you?”
“I will.”
--
In the silence and semi-darkness of Siwon’s apartment, Hyukjae walks to Donghae’s door, with the keys in his hand. He turns the knob and realizes it isn’t locked. He braves his way in and looks at Donghae’s sleeping form under the covers.
The only light that’s illuminating his face slightly is coming from outside - probably the streetlights or the moon, but Hyukjae didn’t have much time to think about it. He looks at Donghae’s face, really looks at him, and he sees the gentle curves, the immaculate skin, the subtle lines, the peace that overcomes every single thing that’s wrong with his life at the moment.
Hyukjae takes a sharp intake of breath, and Donghae’s scent overpowers his senses.
He slips under the blanket, careful not to wake him. He holds him from behind, and his fingers fist his shirt, his eyes are closed and his forehead is against Donghae’s back. He realizes how much he misses having Donghae in breathing distance. He realizes how sad he is with the new version of his life - the one without Donghae, the one who left Donghae, the one who’s doing well on his own, the one without proper sleep, the one filled with guilt.
“I miss you,” he whispers, unaware of Donghae’s current state of consciousness. He doesn’t know and doesn’t care whether Donghae’s aware of this or not, he just wants to be beside him, to make sure he’s breathing, to make sure he’s okay.
--
Donghae opens his eyes slowly, feels the weight of an arm across his body, smells the distinct scent that is Hyukjae. He stills for a moment and wonders if he’s still dreaming. He turns a little and sees Hyukjae in flesh, wearing the same set of clothes he was wearing the night before. It has to be real.
Hyukjae looks up at him, realizing he’s now half-awake. His bloodshot eyes are on the verge of giving out on him, but he chooses to stare at Donghae’s perfection, because he knows this will soon be over. As soon as the morning comes, he’d have to walk out of his room and his life. He knows that tonight is an exception, a stolen chance at mending things that he thinks he can be the one to mend.
Somehow, at the back of his mind, and above his state of half-consciousness, Donghae knows this, too. So, he lets Hyukjae’s hand touch his face.
It is so familiar, yet so alienating at the same time. His eyes flutter to a close as soon as Hyukjae makes a move to close the little distance they have between each other, to kiss the top of his head.
Donghae begins to panic. He begins to remember how Hyukjae had been the biggest part of his life - if not all of it, and he realizes that it was the reason why he was so disoriented when he was left alone to fend for himself. He begins to remember how sad he was when his sister died, how he couldn’t sleep, at all. And he begins to remember how he didn’t even cry. He remembers how he didn’t cry when Hyukjae left him, too.
He welcomes the surge of tears and lets it out, because, finally, he has someone to hold him as he does.
Hyukjae holds him close as he cries for the death of his sister and for Hyukjae ultimately breaking his heart. He cries for all the moments he had to spend alone, for all the looks of pity that his friends gave him, for all the times his friends were scared he’d take his life, too, for all the phone calls from his parents he refused, for all the pressure he’s been living with, for all the disappointments in his life he had to face alone.
Donghae cries for the first time in almost a year and Hyukjae feels compelled to be there for him.
When his tears run dry, Hyukjae waits. Donghae glances at the clock and realizes that soon, it will be time for Hyukjae to leave, to vanish, as if last night didn’t even happen, like it was all a dream.
--
Siwon greets him in the morning, announcing his plans of having no plans at all for the whole week. He doesn’t mention Hyukjae. He doesn’t say anything about the bottles of beer on the balcony, the food that neither of them prepared, the scent that’s distinctly Hyukjae’s that lingers on Donghae’s room, clothes, skin.
This doesn’t make it any easier for Donghae to pretend that Hyukjae was never there.
--