(no subject)
I've been contemplating the five stages of grief lately.
They don't really apply to just death, but to pretty much any sad or traumatic event. Bad medical news, divorce, getting fired...pretty much anything. The five stages are ordered pretty clearly: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, 5) Acceptance. I understand ending in Acceptance, because that is the ultimate conclusion of all things. We have no choice in what happens in the end...we are prisoners to the consequences of our actions.
I'm not certain the other stages should be set in a definable order. I have found that I hit each stage in a different order, with the first four stages intertwining. This is a real weird period for me. I have a fairly calm demeanor, and I try to remain on an even keel most times. I generally approach things from a logical point of view, and try not to get too over-emotional about a situation.
However, that's not to say I am emotion-LESS. I have deep passions, and I am capable of heavy levels of emotional attachment.
So right now, I am struggling to rein in certain passions and emotions that I had allowed to develop. I'm fairly good at squashing my emotions...it just takes a little time. I have to compress them into a little ball of invisible dark matter. Its still very heavy tho...my heart's full of the stuff.
So this has been my rough track through the five stages, dealing with this unfortunate situation.
1) Denial - This is the "No, that can't be right" stage. For me, this stage didn't last long, because I could sense you caving into your fears and doubts. I knew pretty quickly that you were gone.
2) Anger - Here I am! This is actually stage 3 for me.
3) Bargaining - This is where we make a deal..."Do this, and I'll do that". I think I'll skip this stage...I have nothing to bargain with because I don't have anything you want.
4) Depression - This stage lingers a little, but it was my step 2. It was less depression than resigned disappointment, tinged with regret.
5) Acceptance - This will come soon enough (I hope). My heart is reluctant; my head knows I have no choice.
Anger...yeh. I've been on a short fuse the last two days. Its not an emotion I enjoy. It makes everything taste sour. It's not a constant rage or anything...just a slow smolder beneath
the surface...when I let myself think about it.
I've picked up my phone a hundred times to call you, but I can't force my finger to press the Call button.
When we talk, though, its like I can't say what's really on my mind anyway. I'm thinking harsh things...mean, bitter, selfish things that I can't bring myself to say to your face. I never want to hurt you...EVER...but my thoughts sound hurtful when I hear them in my head. So I can't spit them out.
I've felt like grabbing you by the scruff and screaming,
"ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!?"
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!?"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING???"
I so want to be supportive of you in all things...you HAVE to know that if you know me at all. But I can't do it with this whole situation. Any more than I could support you if you decided to start shooting heroin into your eye.
I get nauseous even thinking about what you're doing.
You're just running away...from your folks, from your job...from me. I resent you for that. I want you to stay and tough it out...be the strong, independent woman I know you are. But instead, you're fleeing back into the arms of a loser (by your own description). I know he's not a BAD person, but what the fuck??
When everyone around you says, "Hey, you're making a mistake", why do you refuse to hear? Why does that seem to harden your resolve?
What mysterious power does he wield over you? What has changed about him that makes this decision suddenly desirable to you? What are you going to do when you get down there, and you're living with him, and the same stupid shit from the first two times happens...what are you going to do then? Break up again? Move back? Stick it out and feel like shit? So then you've wrecked his life...AGAIN, you've increased your own misery, and you've made the rest of us who love you dearly watch as you do desperate things to undermine yourself.
How can you be with someone whom you don't feel comfortable sharing all of your thoughts? Whom you keep things from because you know he would disapprove?
This is so confusing and frustrating...but I have nothing left with which to resist. I sincerely hope this works out the way you dream it will. If I am wrong and you achieve the happiness you seek, I will gladly admit I was wrong and take everything back.
I need a little time to lose some of this bitterness and bile. I'm still choking on it a bit. It tastes terrible.
I'm sorry if any of this hurt you, but I don't mind a bit if some of it stung. I didn't set out to write all this, but it came out so I let it.
I love you and I miss you very much. I'll talk to you soon...
They don't really apply to just death, but to pretty much any sad or traumatic event. Bad medical news, divorce, getting fired...pretty much anything. The five stages are ordered pretty clearly: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, 5) Acceptance. I understand ending in Acceptance, because that is the ultimate conclusion of all things. We have no choice in what happens in the end...we are prisoners to the consequences of our actions.
I'm not certain the other stages should be set in a definable order. I have found that I hit each stage in a different order, with the first four stages intertwining. This is a real weird period for me. I have a fairly calm demeanor, and I try to remain on an even keel most times. I generally approach things from a logical point of view, and try not to get too over-emotional about a situation.
However, that's not to say I am emotion-LESS. I have deep passions, and I am capable of heavy levels of emotional attachment.
So right now, I am struggling to rein in certain passions and emotions that I had allowed to develop. I'm fairly good at squashing my emotions...it just takes a little time. I have to compress them into a little ball of invisible dark matter. Its still very heavy tho...my heart's full of the stuff.
So this has been my rough track through the five stages, dealing with this unfortunate situation.
1) Denial - This is the "No, that can't be right" stage. For me, this stage didn't last long, because I could sense you caving into your fears and doubts. I knew pretty quickly that you were gone.
2) Anger - Here I am! This is actually stage 3 for me.
3) Bargaining - This is where we make a deal..."Do this, and I'll do that". I think I'll skip this stage...I have nothing to bargain with because I don't have anything you want.
4) Depression - This stage lingers a little, but it was my step 2. It was less depression than resigned disappointment, tinged with regret.
5) Acceptance - This will come soon enough (I hope). My heart is reluctant; my head knows I have no choice.
Anger...yeh. I've been on a short fuse the last two days. Its not an emotion I enjoy. It makes everything taste sour. It's not a constant rage or anything...just a slow smolder beneath
the surface...when I let myself think about it.
I've picked up my phone a hundred times to call you, but I can't force my finger to press the Call button.
When we talk, though, its like I can't say what's really on my mind anyway. I'm thinking harsh things...mean, bitter, selfish things that I can't bring myself to say to your face. I never want to hurt you...EVER...but my thoughts sound hurtful when I hear them in my head. So I can't spit them out.
I've felt like grabbing you by the scruff and screaming,
"ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!?"
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAMN MIND?!?"
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING???"
I so want to be supportive of you in all things...you HAVE to know that if you know me at all. But I can't do it with this whole situation. Any more than I could support you if you decided to start shooting heroin into your eye.
I get nauseous even thinking about what you're doing.
You're just running away...from your folks, from your job...from me. I resent you for that. I want you to stay and tough it out...be the strong, independent woman I know you are. But instead, you're fleeing back into the arms of a loser (by your own description). I know he's not a BAD person, but what the fuck??
When everyone around you says, "Hey, you're making a mistake", why do you refuse to hear? Why does that seem to harden your resolve?
What mysterious power does he wield over you? What has changed about him that makes this decision suddenly desirable to you? What are you going to do when you get down there, and you're living with him, and the same stupid shit from the first two times happens...what are you going to do then? Break up again? Move back? Stick it out and feel like shit? So then you've wrecked his life...AGAIN, you've increased your own misery, and you've made the rest of us who love you dearly watch as you do desperate things to undermine yourself.
How can you be with someone whom you don't feel comfortable sharing all of your thoughts? Whom you keep things from because you know he would disapprove?
This is so confusing and frustrating...but I have nothing left with which to resist. I sincerely hope this works out the way you dream it will. If I am wrong and you achieve the happiness you seek, I will gladly admit I was wrong and take everything back.
I need a little time to lose some of this bitterness and bile. I'm still choking on it a bit. It tastes terrible.
I'm sorry if any of this hurt you, but I don't mind a bit if some of it stung. I didn't set out to write all this, but it came out so I let it.
I love you and I miss you very much. I'll talk to you soon...