Chinese, finished 6 May; English, finished 1 January.
Note to Dodome: No, I won't simplify this-- this is too emotional for me even to write it. Please try to read it yourself, sorry for the inconvenience caused.
Hiroki and I
Samuel di Curtisi di Salvadori
This should have been the epilogue of "A Few Lines I Want to Say about Hiroki Sawada"-- but I split it in two, since I decided that I had to clear my mind over the content. My well-known obsession on Hiroki is due to some more personal reasons than the seemingly fangirlish pursuit of some others.
I am an established left-brainer; I cannot prevent myself from logically analyzing anything--but please excuse me if I couldn't logically explain myself here; I am talking about my own emotions in this piece that I consider autobiographical.
Background 1
Sakaki from Azumanga Daioh is 1.78m tall-- excessive for a woman in Asian standards, and is indeed athletic in looks and fact . But the flip side, she would rather exchange bodies with the 10-year-old Chiyo. Chiyo shares Conan's problem in that she has a mind much older than her body is (as in: getting into 11th grade at the age of ten and still aced the class) and nobody treated her seriously; and, in regards to Sakaki, she found her own body misrepresentated her self. She is quiet since she is shy (but it is misunderstood as an act of coolness), and as a little girl she just has that obsession of all things cute, especially cats.
I'm not saying I'm a clone of Sakaki; just to start with, I have no interest in sports (boxing excepted, maybe), and I don't even have much of an interest in animals. One thing we have in common, though, is that the me in my mind is not quite the body I actually have.
My family has some artistic roots; my grandfather was a paleographer and a calligrapher (who wasn't at all satisfied that he hasn't been a full professor); my father's education was ruined due to the Cultural Revolution and has a job in electronics manufacturing (even with little background in electronics)-- but in recent years he has picked up painting as something more than just a hobby, and he has always been in that social circle of top artists in China. As for me, I'm just a born bookworm to the strictest meaning of the word; I started reading before I could even speak, and since I have always been the overly curious kind, I have been under quite a lot of teaching in classical Chinese by my grandfather-- so excuse me from sounding classical when I write in Chinese.
On the other hand, it seemed there have been problems about my coordination so as to cause me to feel uninterested and underperforming in all sports--cybersports included. (That is why I tend to exercise in gyms; there are less feeling of defeat when the only enemy is myself.) Naturally I tend to pick the less physical activities outside work.
The story didn't end here. Well, I don't exactly fit the label "mischievous," but hyperkinesis has been quite apparent in my early life (I'd leave for the mental health professionals for argue if this is AD/HD or not.) -- highly impatient and kept running around (This is why I always carry books around; I need some kind of stimulation to keep myself sitting still) and sometimes had anger control problems-- as to every year from Grades 1-9 my parents had to write at least one letter to school to apologize to the school or some other classmates. As a side note, my conduct grade has been C+ for every semester in my first five grades...
The sum of these things is: the idealized me in my mind is not the 1.85m, 100kg me, but rather a slim male of average height who looks not as macho, preferably of a skinnier body build. The peronality of that person must be nice, mild kind, if not a bit stubborn. Also is that "he" aces in something less physical.
Background 2
My research interest is bioinformatics, something I have chosen as soon as I started college.
On an absolute sense my computer skills is not on par with those working in the IT industry in my high school graduating class; my old friend of the name Lee (who, together with me, were considered the two big freaks at school) has already been writing FoxPro programs for the school's computer room entry system and got MCSE qualification before graduation-- and I was not a bit interested in it. So it was a surprise that when I was in HKUST's biochem major I was told I was the computer nut of the class. Well, all's relative.
As a matter of fact I don't have a real interest in many computer-related things; I'd rather pass those books on programming or network administration for some other things I like at the time (law, for example). Which I really like to is analyzing problems with computers--or, to be exact, trying to get a algorithm to solve a problem and write programs to implement it; it's exactly this that I persevere on.
However, I wasn't too conscious of this fact; I just treat it as some use of my brain and which I am actually interested is medicine; biology has long been my favourite in the four branches of science-- mathematics, physics, chemistry and biology. Genetics, being one major branch of biology, was introduced at my Grade 11 (of 13); I got fond of it quite instantly because the introductory genetics as taught, based on Mandelian heredity, is more analytic than other branches of biology, which needs intense rote memorization that, for me, is not always reliable-- not that I can't memorize things, but I can't force myself doing that. The analytic nature of genetics is itself a direct fit of my brain pattern.
It did not came as a surprise that when I heard of bioinformatics in Grade 11, I've found something I'm quite sure I'd like to follow.
Background 3
There's no doubt about it, I have never been that average kid.
Well, not the child prodigy either, but at least I was at least treated as precocious-- not exactly the "good kid with good grades" kind, but the maverick kind (also check back Background 1). Good enough to make me the weird kid in all, if not more so due to my general awkwardness.
Well, even I kept being told that my "blending in" was awful, since I feel alright that way (it isn't much of a wonder why people wondered if I'm autistic; by the very etymological definition of the word it meant "being alone"). But, well, after the age of seventeen or eighteen or so I found I have something amiss-- I still don't know what it is up to now, but, maybe, I wasn't being understood?
The Kid Who Had No Physical Body Has Beaten Me to the Ground
Sunday, 8 December 2002, I was a freshman in biochemistry.
I started to watched the pirated version of the Taiwanese Proware version of Movie 6, which I bought on the previous day, at 10am-- after my parents went out for exercise and my brother and his tutor has been locked in my room for their weekly tutoring.
I wasn't unlike other viewers that were shocked at Hiroki's defenestration, the difference being that I got more a dose of that.
Strike One: the fact that he made that DNA Tracker program, supposedly single-handedly-- and mentioned before the defenestration-- made him definitively the first clear mentioning of bioinformatics in the Conanian universe. And as one can see from Background 2, in a field that as early from 2000 (and up till now) my principle academic interest. Enough, enough; Hiroki is already more related to me than the egoistic suiri-otaku that I have been kind of following up to that point, especially on his ideas on shinjitsu. Conan is cute alright, but at times he has been overly serious for my own liking.
Strike Two: there has been no clear evidence that was the case, but merely a gut feeling-- maybe from Orikasa's voice, and quite strongly enforced through the mentioning in that PE lesson scene-- that Hiroki must be, in my own opinion, a good-mannered-- not exactly mild-mannered; I don't see him as shy. And definitively devoid of that brawny feel, physically and mentally. He practically got me to get that immaculate feeling that I never get anywhere else. (Up to this point I still considered him the only bishounen-- in the strict sense-- in the entire Conanian universe.)
Strike Three: he was misunderstood. All over in the movie. Enough to strike the chord. (Disclaimer: I have ruled out if he has any kind of psychiatric diagnosis, based on what was said in Movie 6.)
And what does that mean? I was facing a totally immaculate tragic persona that I can completely identify with, even I have no reason to considered myself a tragedy. That was beyond my limits. I don't usually have much of an emotion, and by the time I finished the movie I was shocked-- not just moved. To the level that I was unable to have lunch that day; I was simply too disturbed.
And for the reason, up to now, I won't any part of Movie 6 with Hiroki on the screen. I think such shock in frequent doses is hazardous to my health.
What was afterwards-- futile attempt to contain, the loyalty question and self-identification
I actually tried to contain the effects in December-- my favourite song Sapporo Snowy, which by itself not that sad but can easily evoke intense sad feelings if combined with any other existing emotion, was banned for two weeks. A pop song which was on in late December carrying the lines Believe me I can fly, I'm proud to fly up high [...] Believe me I can fly; I'm singing in the sky was also banned for connotations of flying to Hiroki's death. Tell me about having too much ado about "nothing"...
This didn't stay long; at mid-January 2003 I have pretty much gave up; my current avatar was adopted on 19 January 2003. I have to say, he's a bit too perfect to get denied. The feeling of affinity has been to much to get rid of him out of the system, and when he clung on, he clung on.
Then there came the "loyalty question" that Kentaru found amusing. Liking Shinichi or any other slightly minor Conanian characters would not cause much of a problem. After all, their lives were occasionally updated by Gosho, and they together created what I referred as the backbone of the Conanian universe.
The problem of Hiroki is not only because he was a minor character; his legitimacy as a Conanian character is questionable-- I have put forth on Is Movie 6 Worth to be Considered Canon? that movies are already disposable as canon unless otherwise repeated in manga, and Movie 6 is especially worse in this aspect that, well, the script writer was not a member of the Conan production team. Not to say that he is the only person who knew Conan's identity who was not at all involved in the Backbone. Hence, although Hiroki is, prima facie, a Conanian character (after all he is a character of an official Detective Conan work), I have severe doubt on whether he is the kind of story characters that Gosho, or the anime team who made much of the Conanian universe, would intend to make. And this is enough to make be feel I'm being "disloyal" to Conan the series.
I actually tried to make up the theory to solve this problem, by interpreting some parts of Hiroki's talk to Conan as an indication that Hiroki has made Conan his successor in whatever anything-- that in all facts and purposes, after the incidents of Movie 6 and Noah's Ark's self-destruction, Conan is already living as the continuation of Hiroki. By that, at least a certain link can be made to link the movie back to the backbone story-- I hope such a construct would solve that feeling of "disloyalty."
That theory at last gave way to the idea that Movie 6 (if not other movies) are independent of Detective Conan in general (at least as general story interpretations is concerned) and it occurred in an universe parallel to the universe as portrayed in the manga. This effectively puts Hiroki as the main character of another series-- the "infidelity" problem is then of course moot.
My first essay on Conanian characters, On Shinichi, was written in early 2003-- and if readers wonder if there are Hirokian influences, you're right. The PE lesson scene, although it didn't actually bring up the topic of marginalization, it was implied, and I found the situation exceedingly applicable to the case of Shinichi.
On the very other hand-- what does Hiroki Sawada mean to me?
Hm, he represented, to me, the ideal persona: gentle, considerate but not submissive; born with a passion in his kind of work, but also born with the sense of social responsibility. He is, without doubt, too divine, too divine to be on this earth.
And this is the end of what I want to say.
1 January 2008 (1 Forik SI9), on seat 64G of flight CX873, SFO/HKG
Hiroki and I
Samuel di Curtisi di Salvadori
This should have been the epilogue of "A Few Lines I Want to Say about Hiroki Sawada"-- but I split it in two, since I decided that I had to clear my mind over the content. My well-known obsession on Hiroki is due to some more personal reasons than the seemingly fangirlish pursuit of some others.
I am an established left-brainer; I cannot prevent myself from logically analyzing anything--but please excuse me if I couldn't logically explain myself here; I am talking about my own emotions in this piece that I consider autobiographical.
Background 1
Sakaki from Azumanga Daioh is 1.78m tall-- excessive for a woman in Asian standards, and is indeed athletic in looks and fact . But the flip side, she would rather exchange bodies with the 10-year-old Chiyo. Chiyo shares Conan's problem in that she has a mind much older than her body is (as in: getting into 11th grade at the age of ten and still aced the class) and nobody treated her seriously; and, in regards to Sakaki, she found her own body misrepresentated her self. She is quiet since she is shy (but it is misunderstood as an act of coolness), and as a little girl she just has that obsession of all things cute, especially cats.
I'm not saying I'm a clone of Sakaki; just to start with, I have no interest in sports (boxing excepted, maybe), and I don't even have much of an interest in animals. One thing we have in common, though, is that the me in my mind is not quite the body I actually have.
My family has some artistic roots; my grandfather was a paleographer and a calligrapher (who wasn't at all satisfied that he hasn't been a full professor); my father's education was ruined due to the Cultural Revolution and has a job in electronics manufacturing (even with little background in electronics)-- but in recent years he has picked up painting as something more than just a hobby, and he has always been in that social circle of top artists in China. As for me, I'm just a born bookworm to the strictest meaning of the word; I started reading before I could even speak, and since I have always been the overly curious kind, I have been under quite a lot of teaching in classical Chinese by my grandfather-- so excuse me from sounding classical when I write in Chinese.
On the other hand, it seemed there have been problems about my coordination so as to cause me to feel uninterested and underperforming in all sports--cybersports included. (That is why I tend to exercise in gyms; there are less feeling of defeat when the only enemy is myself.) Naturally I tend to pick the less physical activities outside work.
The story didn't end here. Well, I don't exactly fit the label "mischievous," but hyperkinesis has been quite apparent in my early life (I'd leave for the mental health professionals for argue if this is AD/HD or not.) -- highly impatient and kept running around (This is why I always carry books around; I need some kind of stimulation to keep myself sitting still) and sometimes had anger control problems-- as to every year from Grades 1-9 my parents had to write at least one letter to school to apologize to the school or some other classmates. As a side note, my conduct grade has been C+ for every semester in my first five grades...
The sum of these things is: the idealized me in my mind is not the 1.85m, 100kg me, but rather a slim male of average height who looks not as macho, preferably of a skinnier body build. The peronality of that person must be nice, mild kind, if not a bit stubborn. Also is that "he" aces in something less physical.
Background 2
My research interest is bioinformatics, something I have chosen as soon as I started college.
On an absolute sense my computer skills is not on par with those working in the IT industry in my high school graduating class; my old friend of the name Lee (who, together with me, were considered the two big freaks at school) has already been writing FoxPro programs for the school's computer room entry system and got MCSE qualification before graduation-- and I was not a bit interested in it. So it was a surprise that when I was in HKUST's biochem major I was told I was the computer nut of the class. Well, all's relative.
As a matter of fact I don't have a real interest in many computer-related things; I'd rather pass those books on programming or network administration for some other things I like at the time (law, for example). Which I really like to is analyzing problems with computers--or, to be exact, trying to get a algorithm to solve a problem and write programs to implement it; it's exactly this that I persevere on.
However, I wasn't too conscious of this fact; I just treat it as some use of my brain and which I am actually interested is medicine; biology has long been my favourite in the four branches of science-- mathematics, physics, chemistry and biology. Genetics, being one major branch of biology, was introduced at my Grade 11 (of 13); I got fond of it quite instantly because the introductory genetics as taught, based on Mandelian heredity, is more analytic than other branches of biology, which needs intense rote memorization that, for me, is not always reliable-- not that I can't memorize things, but I can't force myself doing that. The analytic nature of genetics is itself a direct fit of my brain pattern.
It did not came as a surprise that when I heard of bioinformatics in Grade 11, I've found something I'm quite sure I'd like to follow.
Background 3
There's no doubt about it, I have never been that average kid.
Well, not the child prodigy either, but at least I was at least treated as precocious-- not exactly the "good kid with good grades" kind, but the maverick kind (also check back Background 1). Good enough to make me the weird kid in all, if not more so due to my general awkwardness.
Well, even I kept being told that my "blending in" was awful, since I feel alright that way (it isn't much of a wonder why people wondered if I'm autistic; by the very etymological definition of the word it meant "being alone"). But, well, after the age of seventeen or eighteen or so I found I have something amiss-- I still don't know what it is up to now, but, maybe, I wasn't being understood?
The Kid Who Had No Physical Body Has Beaten Me to the Ground
Sunday, 8 December 2002, I was a freshman in biochemistry.
I started to watched the pirated version of the Taiwanese Proware version of Movie 6, which I bought on the previous day, at 10am-- after my parents went out for exercise and my brother and his tutor has been locked in my room for their weekly tutoring.
I wasn't unlike other viewers that were shocked at Hiroki's defenestration, the difference being that I got more a dose of that.
Strike One: the fact that he made that DNA Tracker program, supposedly single-handedly-- and mentioned before the defenestration-- made him definitively the first clear mentioning of bioinformatics in the Conanian universe. And as one can see from Background 2, in a field that as early from 2000 (and up till now) my principle academic interest. Enough, enough; Hiroki is already more related to me than the egoistic suiri-otaku that I have been kind of following up to that point, especially on his ideas on shinjitsu. Conan is cute alright, but at times he has been overly serious for my own liking.
Strike Two: there has been no clear evidence that was the case, but merely a gut feeling-- maybe from Orikasa's voice, and quite strongly enforced through the mentioning in that PE lesson scene-- that Hiroki must be, in my own opinion, a good-mannered-- not exactly mild-mannered; I don't see him as shy. And definitively devoid of that brawny feel, physically and mentally. He practically got me to get that immaculate feeling that I never get anywhere else. (Up to this point I still considered him the only bishounen-- in the strict sense-- in the entire Conanian universe.)
Strike Three: he was misunderstood. All over in the movie. Enough to strike the chord. (Disclaimer: I have ruled out if he has any kind of psychiatric diagnosis, based on what was said in Movie 6.)
And what does that mean? I was facing a totally immaculate tragic persona that I can completely identify with, even I have no reason to considered myself a tragedy. That was beyond my limits. I don't usually have much of an emotion, and by the time I finished the movie I was shocked-- not just moved. To the level that I was unable to have lunch that day; I was simply too disturbed.
And for the reason, up to now, I won't any part of Movie 6 with Hiroki on the screen. I think such shock in frequent doses is hazardous to my health.
What was afterwards-- futile attempt to contain, the loyalty question and self-identification
I actually tried to contain the effects in December-- my favourite song Sapporo Snowy, which by itself not that sad but can easily evoke intense sad feelings if combined with any other existing emotion, was banned for two weeks. A pop song which was on in late December carrying the lines Believe me I can fly, I'm proud to fly up high [...] Believe me I can fly; I'm singing in the sky was also banned for connotations of flying to Hiroki's death. Tell me about having too much ado about "nothing"...
This didn't stay long; at mid-January 2003 I have pretty much gave up; my current avatar was adopted on 19 January 2003. I have to say, he's a bit too perfect to get denied. The feeling of affinity has been to much to get rid of him out of the system, and when he clung on, he clung on.
Then there came the "loyalty question" that Kentaru found amusing. Liking Shinichi or any other slightly minor Conanian characters would not cause much of a problem. After all, their lives were occasionally updated by Gosho, and they together created what I referred as the backbone of the Conanian universe.
The problem of Hiroki is not only because he was a minor character; his legitimacy as a Conanian character is questionable-- I have put forth on Is Movie 6 Worth to be Considered Canon? that movies are already disposable as canon unless otherwise repeated in manga, and Movie 6 is especially worse in this aspect that, well, the script writer was not a member of the Conan production team. Not to say that he is the only person who knew Conan's identity who was not at all involved in the Backbone. Hence, although Hiroki is, prima facie, a Conanian character (after all he is a character of an official Detective Conan work), I have severe doubt on whether he is the kind of story characters that Gosho, or the anime team who made much of the Conanian universe, would intend to make. And this is enough to make be feel I'm being "disloyal" to Conan the series.
I actually tried to make up the theory to solve this problem, by interpreting some parts of Hiroki's talk to Conan as an indication that Hiroki has made Conan his successor in whatever anything-- that in all facts and purposes, after the incidents of Movie 6 and Noah's Ark's self-destruction, Conan is already living as the continuation of Hiroki. By that, at least a certain link can be made to link the movie back to the backbone story-- I hope such a construct would solve that feeling of "disloyalty."
That theory at last gave way to the idea that Movie 6 (if not other movies) are independent of Detective Conan in general (at least as general story interpretations is concerned) and it occurred in an universe parallel to the universe as portrayed in the manga. This effectively puts Hiroki as the main character of another series-- the "infidelity" problem is then of course moot.
My first essay on Conanian characters, On Shinichi, was written in early 2003-- and if readers wonder if there are Hirokian influences, you're right. The PE lesson scene, although it didn't actually bring up the topic of marginalization, it was implied, and I found the situation exceedingly applicable to the case of Shinichi.
On the very other hand-- what does Hiroki Sawada mean to me?
Hm, he represented, to me, the ideal persona: gentle, considerate but not submissive; born with a passion in his kind of work, but also born with the sense of social responsibility. He is, without doubt, too divine, too divine to be on this earth.
And this is the end of what I want to say.
1 January 2008 (1 Forik SI9), on seat 64G of flight CX873, SFO/HKG