I FEEL TOTALLY INTELLITUALLY INFERIOR TO YOU HU!
A very small backgrounder
I think readers should already know I'm being more or less a apathetic person. For things to get really emotional, its impact is gonna be large.
Tonight I go on with my nightly chat with dreamingcanyon on ICQ, in the parallel I opened the window for Hu, who is on a biochem major (same as me) in UCLA, as a bid to get primed about studying in US-- as noted in the Backgrounder above, there's a possibility that I'm study for the major for the second time in the US or elsewhere, as long as we are financially able and my parents are psychologically prepared.
When I just finished asking him whether he got into the university straight or thru a Community College, he sent me a PDF and said it's his paper. OK, I'm not surprised at all, all major students are supposed to give a paper before they leave.
What astonished me was that it was a published paper (Characterization of TAT-meditated Transport of Detechable Kinase Substrates, Biochemistry, 2004, 43, 8528-8540.), and Hu's name was on the 4th place (of 8 and not on alphabetical order).
Immediate reaction:
SamCurt (1:52:41): I started to feel jealous and pathetic...
Xiao Fox (Hu--SC.) (1:53:05): nono, don't be....
Xiao Fox (1:53:33): just work hard for your year end project, and if the PI like you, they would give you a chance to publish a paper.
SamCurt (1:54:08): I've just got a seminar-type of FYP...
Xiao Fox (1:55:22): seminar type...is it like library research....
to be honest, if you couldn't meet a nice PI, library research may allow you to learn more
SamCurt (1:58:02): ...If I'm not going to LA to find you this summer, I might go insane.
(A few line of travel then slience on Hu front.) Meanwhile on dreamingcanyon's front:
SamCurt (2:03:37): Give me a break. I'm receiving the second impact just now and I'm on the verge of crying...
Jessica (2:03:44): I'm sorry... (She thought I'm upset of what she said previous...--SC.)
SamCurt (2:03:55): The main fault wasn't yours.
SamCurt (2:04:42): The main thing wasn't that at all.
Jessica (2:04:52): What is it?
SamCurt (2:05:09): Wait a min. I'm actually crying...x.x
(Note: Later, Azusa previously of EC.com: sorry ne, sound a bit rude here, but i always thought that u r a strong and serious person who doesn't break down easily. sorry ^^;; i actually is quite shocked and worry that u said u cried @@...)
Back to Hu's front:
SamCurt (2:06:19): :'(
Xiao Fox (2:06:32): wut's wrong samuel?
SamCurt (2:09:55): I FELT TOTALLY INTELLITUALLY INFERIOR TO YOU HU!
It's definitively not Hu's intentions, but in effect what he sent belittled me. Hu's one of those people who always get updated about how I'm studying-- of course, I know what his major was before he left for the US-- and he kept me comforted (somewhat) about my mediocore results in school.
Well, I just know there's a high possibility that he's doing better than me (I got C in the core course last Fall...!), but, showing off such a thing-- that meant he has began research one year earlier than me, who is still far from doing that-- is just such a material proof that I'm so much inferior than him intellitually-- and intelligence has long be regarded as my only asset; everyone know I'm socially inept and clumsy, and at least my family-- and me, in the past-- have considered, at least, my intelligence was above average, and that has been akways part of my identity, and happily kept so until these days.
These days I was plagued with a feeling of the inability to succeed, more or less rational, since I'm been doing bad in the university, and prospects of getting some research post is unlikely, and, even I might get a result good enough if I try the second time, but then, I still feel shameful-- having to do the same major twice is enough for other's ridicule... OK, there's other things to raise, but it's 4:30 am now, I should sleep now...
Joi yune'fong, yu Sai-Ar-to tin'houng,
si naei gu'jik wor saum toung,
yu mui dik lui chart por ye houng!
Joi je fong, che'seung lui maei'foung joung,
si or saut'lok seung bing'doung--
si je baei'oi ting'joung noi saum--
kaei'mong au yu hoi gok joung,
sing'sau naei dik lui wor moung!