SAMMY DON'T PLAY THAT! - EPISODE 1
scardian WRITES:
"Mr. Jackson man, I need your help. I've weighed my options, and you're the only one who has enough badassitude to truly aid me.
You see, I recognised the truly massive awesomeness that is and was Snakes on a Plane, and thus I showed my support with a magnetic ribbon on the back of my car. Green and scaly with big ALL CAPS saying "SNAKES ON A PLANE." It was truly a beautiful thing.
It was there for months and yet... I discovered yesterday a BALD RIBBON-SHAPED VOID on the back of my car!
Some motherfucker stole my motherfucking snakes on a motherfucking plane on a motherfucking support ribbon! Motherfucker!
Sam, dude, I know you wouldn't stand for this. Hell, you wouldn't sit for it, even on the john if you really, really had to take a shit, pre-bronzed and everything.
What can be done?"
SAM JACKSON IS A MAN WHO LOVES HIS FANS! IN FACT, I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH THAT, BEFORE ANY MERCHANDISE WITH MY NAME ON IT IS SENT OUT, I PERSONALLY INSTALL A BUG JUST IN CASE OF BRUTAL THEFT LIKE THE ONE YOU JUST MOTHERFUCKING DESCRIBED! ACCORDING TO MY G.P.S.-SYNCHRONIZED COMPUTER SOFTWARE, YOUR NEIGHBOR (THE ONE WITH THE FAT FACE) COVETED YOUR MAGNETIC RIBBON AND THEN STOLE SAID RIBBON WHEN YOU WERE DISTRACTED! SAMMY DON'T PLAY THAT!
SO, HERE'S WHAT YOU DO TO THE SILLY BITCH!: GO BUY THE OFFICIAL SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE AIRPLANE MODEL KIT AND ASSEMBLE THAT SHIT (I SUGGEST THE SAM JACKSON BRAND LIQUID ADHESIVE AS IT DRIES FASTER AND THE FUMES FUCK YOU UP FOR A FEW MINUTES!)! THEN, GO BUY A VENOMOUS SNAKE! NOW, SAM KNOWS THAT THERE'S A LOT OF MOTHERFUCKING VENOMOUS SNAKES OUT THERE (BELIEVE ME!), BUT YOU WANT TO GET ONE THAT HAS THAT "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT, YOU FLESHY MOTHERFUCKER?!" LOOK! I'D GO FOR THE BLACK MAMBA...
...LOOK AT THIS CRAZY BITCH!:
IT'S THE SNAKE I'D BE IF I WAS A MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE!:
LASTLY, GO BUY A SMALL TEST TUBE AND FILL IT WITH ANTIFREEZE!
ALRIGHT, GAME TIME! NOW YOU LAY THE MOTHERFUCKING TRAP! GO PUT ANOTHER MAGNETIC SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE RIBBON ON YOUR CAR AND THEN WAIT IN THE BACK SEAT, BEING SURE TO BE STEALTHY (KEEP YOUR ASS DOWN TOO!)! EVENTUALLY, THE DUMBASS MOTHERFUCKER WILL COME SNOOPING AROUND! WHEN HE TAKES THE BAIT AND TURNS TO GO BACK TO HIS DOMICILE WHERE HE'LL NO DOUBT PLEASURE HIMSELF TO RERUNS OF WHO'S THE BOSS?, SLOWLY GET OUT OF THE CAR AND GET INTO POSITION!
PUT THE BLACK MAMBA ON THE OFFICIAL SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE PLANE (FACING THE COCKPIT) AND THEN CALL OUT TO THE SORRY BASTARD TO GET HIS ATTENTION ("HEY MOTHERFUCKER!" IS ALWAYS A GOOD GREETING BEFORE HARMING SOMEONE!)! THEN COMES THE REVENGE! THROW THE PLANE DIRECTLY AT THE MOTHERFUCKER'S FACE AND WATCH THE SNAKE BITE HIM THREE OR FOUR TIMES BEFORE THE PLANE EVEN HITS THE PIECE OF SHIT! THAT LITTLE BITCH WILL THINK TWICE BEFORE FUCKING YOU OVER AGAIN!
THEN, FOR GOOD MEASURE, WHILE THE GUY IS ON THE GROUND DIVIDING HIS ATTENTION BETWEEN STAYING CONSCIOUS AND BREATHING, KICK HIM IN THE SIDE A FEW TIMES AND THEN LAUGH! YOU EARNED IT! NOW COMES THE MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTNING ROUND! SAY THAT TO THE MOTHERFUCKER! SAY, "YOU READY FOR THE LIGHTNING ROUND, MOTHERFUCKER?" AND THEN MAKE A RUDE COMMENT ABOUT HIS MORBIDLY SWOLLEN FACE!
HERE'S WHERE THE SMALL TEST TUBE AND ANTIFREEZE COMES INTO PLAY! TAKE THE TEST TUBE OUT OF YOUR POCKET AND SHOW IT TO THE GUY! SAY TO HIM IN AN ANNOYINGLY CALM VOICE "DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, MOTHERFUCKER?" THE STUPID BITCH WILL SAY "NO" (OR GASP IT, RATHER)! THEN RESPOND WITH "IT'S THE ANTIDOTE TO THE SNAKE VENOM!" HE'LL PROBABLY MAKE A FEW GARGLING NOISES! AFTER THAT, IT'S ALL UP TO YOU! JUST START EVERYTHING YOU SAY AFTER THAT WITH "IF YOU WANT THE FUCKING ANTIDOTE..." THAT MOTHERFUCKER WILL PROBABLY BE SHAKING LIKE A BITCH ABOUT NOW, SO YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH GET HIM TO AGREE TO ANYTHING! FOR EXAMPLE, "IF YOU WANT THE FUCKING ANTIDOTE, YOU'LL KISS MY ASS!" WATCH THE BITCH PUCKER AND ACCEPT THE TASTE OF YOUR FLESHY ASSCHEEKS! THAT MOTHERFUCKER BEST DO IT TOO OR HE'S HISTORY!
ANYWAY, AFTER TOYING WITH THE SAD BITCH FOR A FEW MINUTES (HE'LL ONLY BE CONSCIOUS FOR AROUND TEN MINUTES MAX), GIVE HIM THE TEST TUBE! HE'LL, OF COURSE, DRINK THAT SHIT UP AND FEEL A MOMENT'S RELIEF! THAT'S WHEN YOU BREAK THE MOTHERFUCKING NEWS! "THAT WASN'T THE ANTIDOTE, FAT FACE! THAT WAS ANTIFREEZE! ENJOY THE AFTERLIFE, YOU TRICKASS, PILFERING MOTHERFUCKER!" WATCH HIS EYES GROW! THAT'S THE LOOK OF A MAN WITHOUT ANY HOPE LEFT!
IT'S NOT OVER YET, MOTHERFUCKER!
NEXT, TAKE YOUR OFFICIAL SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE PLANE (LEAVE THE SNAKE) BACK TO YOUR PLACE AND CALL AN AMBULANCE (THIS MAY SEEM LIKE THE WRONG THING TO DO, BUT TRUST SAMMY ON THIS ONE)! RUSH BACK TO THE SWOLLEN, FAT FACED THIEF AND LAUGH AT HIM UNTIL THE AMBULANCE COMES! BY NOW, THE MOTHERFUCKER SHOULD BE UNCONSCIOUS, SO HE WON'T SEE YOU RIDING IN THE AMBULANCE WITH HIM! TELL THE DOCTORS AND POLICE THAT YOU CAME UPON THE GUY, SAW THE SNAKE AND, LIKE A GOOD MOTHERFUCKING NEIGHBOR (A LA STATEFARM), YOU CALLED FOR HELP! THIS IS CALLED AN ALIBI... AND A PRETTY MOTHERFUCKING SWEET ONE TOO!
SO, BEING THE GOOD NEIGHBOR THAT YOU ARE, STAY WITH THE MOTHERFUCKER (LAUGHING AT HIS MISERY WHENEVER YOU GET THE CHANCE) UNTIL HE REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS! VENOM-INDUCED COMAS CAN TAKE ANYWHERE UP TO THREE OR FOUR WEEKS, SO THAT'S JUST A HEADS UP FOR YOU! ANYWAY, ONE DAY, THE MOTHERFUCKER WILL WAKE UP AND, LO AND MOTHERFUCKING BEHOLD, YOU'LL BE THE FIRST PERSON HE SEES! CHANCES ARE NO MEDICAL STAFF WILL BE AROUND AT THIS INSTANT, SO YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME! WHEN HE SEES YOU, JUST STAND AT THE END OF HIS BED WITH A WIDE SMILE ON YOUR FACE! HE'LL MOST LIKELY SCREAM LIKE A BITCH AND FAINT! THEN JUST LEAVE!
YOU SEE, FROM THAT DAY FORWARD, THE SAD-SACK MOTHERFUCKER WILL ASSOCIATE YOU WITH BLINDING PAIN AND NEAR-DEATH AND WILL STEER CLEAR OF YOU AND YOUR POSSESSIONS AT ALL COSTS (LEST YOU DO SOME OTHER CRAZY SHIT AGAIN)! SURE, HE'LL TRY TO TELL THE DOCTORS OR POLICE THAT YOU PLANNED THE ATTACK, BUT THEY'LL JUST ATTRIBUTE THAT SHIT TO HALLUCINATIONS CAUSED BY THE DOZEN SNAKE BITES THAT HE TOOK IN THE FACE!
AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS THAT! I HOPE I MOTHERFUCKING HELPED!
-SLJ
P.S. DON'T FORGET TO GET YOUR MAGNETIC SNAKES ON A MOTHERFUCKING PLANE RIBBON BACK!
P.P.S. THIS PLAN ALSO WORKS ON EX-BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIENDS AND ANNOYING IN-LAWS!