Happiness Is: Chapter 7
"Taylor…You in there?" Dani said, waving her hand in front of her face.
Taylor looked up blankly. "Yeah… did you need something?" She asked, quietly, but pointedly. She had been staring at the same page of writing for the past half hour, just staring off into space, the end of the pencil resting in her mouth as whatever was on her mind took over her entire body.
Dani's eyes narrowed and she tossed her hair over her shoulder in contempt. "No, was just wondering what so fascinating on that page." She smirked as if she found her comment amusing when it truly wasn't. She flopped onto the opposite couch and stared at the blonde girl.
Taylor sighed and set her notebook down. "What, Dani…" She turned to the other girl and raised an eyebrow.
"Actually there is something…" She leaned back and stretched.
"Knew it." Taylor muttered before focusing on Dani again.
"Could I borrow some of you Dolphin Cry stationary. I ran out of mine." She leaned forward her, elbows resting on her knees as she looked at Taylor intently.
"Yeah." She opened her notebook and pulled out three sheets of powder blue stationary with a small dolphin up in the right hand corner, before closing it again. They had all splurged in the beginning and bought the stationary especially for the three of them for when writing fans back, but as time went on, they had all begun to use it for personal correspondence without thinking.
"Thanks, Tay, you're such a peach." Dani said, snidely, jumping up from the couch to head back to her bunk.
Taylor sighed, watching her walk down the aisle of the bus. "Hey Dani!" Taylor yelled suddenly.
She whirled around with a big smile on her face. "What's that, Tay?"
"How does it feel to be the resident bitch on the bus?" Taylor looked straight into her eyes to let her know she was dead serious.
Dani's eyes widened then narrowed in anger. "How does it feel to be the most pitied and pathetic person in the world?"
Taylor sucked in a deep breath before shaking her head. "Go away, Dani."
"You started it, Tay. What can't take the heat?" She walked back into the room and stood in the doorway. "Let me tell you something… I won't hide the truth from you unlike Kat."
Tay looked up at her tiredly. "What's this all important secret that you all are hiding from me?"
"That no one likes you, no one cares." She sneered. "You walk around here like you're Miss High and Mighty but you're nothing and for that everyone pities you. You live in your own little world, not even realizing what's going on around you."
Taylor shook her head and opened up her notebook again. "I'm not going to discuss this. Just go do…whatever it is you do nowadays." She pulled the pencil out from behind her ears and began to write down her thoughts.
"You're not ignoring me this time." Dani demanded grabbing Tay's notebook and tossing it to the other couch. "We're having a discussion and we're going to finish it."
Tay sighed. "This isn't a discussion, this is a crucification." She leaned back. "If you've got a problem, Dani, just say it."
"Yeah, I've got a problem…" Dani began, but she was suddenly pulled from the doorway, effectively shutting her up.
"Now is not the time or the place, Elf." Kat said, stepping into the lounge. "Go cool your heels elsewhere. I don't want you in the same room with me and I'm planning on watching TV." She flopped onto the other couch, crushing Tay's notebook underneath her as she grabbed the remote and turned the TV on.
Taylor stared at Kat's butt on her notebook and felt the tears begin to form again. All her words crushed. She took a deep breath before standing up to leave. "Where you going, Tay?" Kat asked, snidely, not even looking up at her.
"Away from both of you. Neither of you cares about what's going on around you, except to nurse this anger that's inside of you. I'm leaving before it smothers me." She shook her head and walked to her bunk to climb in and take a nap.
"Well you know what… I didn't want to be around you either and if you wanted your god damn notebook, you should've said something!" Kat yelled, tossing the book into the hallway, papers flying everywhere.
Taylor felt a tear slide down her cheek as she jumped into the hallway from her bunk, grabbing her notebook and all the loose paper before anyone could pick them up and read all the stuff that she had written down in concrete thoughts. She clutched them to her chest just as Dani came out of the back lounge, looking extremely angry. "Go hide in your corner. We'll finish what we were talking about later." She swept past Taylor and climbed into her bunk, pulling her headphones on, cutting off all communication.
Kat's head fell back against the arm of the couch. Her hand came up and pinched the bridge of her nose as she sighed. She didn't know what to do anymore; her dreams were falling apart as her biggest nightmare was beginning to come true. She shook her head fighting her demons and reached for the remote. A loud rustling sound came from beneath her as she moved and she reached beneath her and pulled out a blue piece of paper with writing on it.
~*~
They arrived at the venue and both groups were hustled in for soundcheck since they were running about two hours behind schedule. "Dolphin’s Cry, you’re up."
Kat stalked up on stage and ripped her guitar out of its stand. "You know, why are we still doing this?" She asked everyone into the mic.
"What?" The sound technician who was fine-tuning the amps asked.
She looked at him, scathingly. "I wasn’t talking to you." She turned to look at Tay and Dani who were getting their own instruments tuned and set up. "Why?"
Dani rolled her eyes. "Being melodramatic again, are we?" She smirked at the guys who were sitting in the front row, waiting for their own chance to be on stage.
"No, actually I’m dead serious. Why are we together when we can’t stand to be near each other? I would rather be anywhere but up here with you Dani."
"Then leave, we don’t need you. I can sing all your parts just fine, with Tay on back up and we’ll find a guitar ringer." She looked out at the audience. "Justin plays guitar… want to play for Kat tonight?" She smiled sweetly.
"Justin is not playing for me, Dani, if I don’t go on none of you do." Kat told her quietly.
"Wanna bet, Kat, you are not holding me back. I could go solo just fine if I wanted to. I don’t need any of you."
"Is that what this is really about?" Kat asked her, staring at her as if for the first time. "You think you’re too good for us and want to quit and go solo?"
"No, it’s that I can’t take all of this internal bullshit anymore." Dani yelled at her.
"If you’d get off your high horse and come back down to our level, maybe there wouldn’t be any fighting!" Kat yelled back.
"Sure, we can all go back to being hunky dory while Miss Prick over there behind the drums continues on as if this wasn’t all her fault." Dani yelled, pointing over at Taylor.
"Don’t drag her into this. This is between you and me." Kat pointed at her, dropping her guitar on stage to stomp over to where Dani was standing.
"No this is between all of us and every time we try to talk, she pulls her disappearing act and clams up. I’m sick of it. She treats us as if she’s better than us and I’m not going to stand for it."
"No, she doesn't… "
Taylor listened to them bicker, feeling sicker and sicker to her stomach. Dani and Kat didn’t relent, yelling at each other, making everything worse, while blaming all of their troubles on her. It’s true though… it is all my fault…
NSYNC sat out in the audience stunned. Their fights had always been kept behind closed doors and what they had seen so far, they had thought Dolphin’s Cry was doing a pretty good job of doing that as well. "This is getting ugly." Justin leaned over, whispering to Lance.
"Yeah, think we should do something?" He whispered back.
"I don’t know, but reporters are everywhere. I’d hate for this to get in the tabloids."
"Yeah… what do we do?"
"I…" Justin stopped as JC stood up, his expression closed against any emotion.
"Girls!" He yelled.
They turned to look at him, shocked to find other people in the stadium.
"This is all very interesting and all, but none of us want to hear about your dirty laundry, air it elsewhere and do your job." He made eye contact with Kat and didn't flinch at the raw hatred that was coming from her eyes. He knew it wasn't for him specifically but for Dani but it did take him aback some. He broke the stare and sat back down, folding his hands behind his head. Justin watched his older friend look back at the stage after looking up at the ceiling and could tell that he was pissed because he kept working his jaw and gritting his teeth.
"Right." Kat nodded, tossing aside any animosity she felt on stage and once again becoming the professional they all knew her to be. "Cue up ‘I Want You’" She told the sound technician, signaling for lights and sound.
"Don’t you want to wait for Taylor to come back or do you want us to use the DAT for her?" The techie’s voice came down from the booth over the speakers.
Dani and Kat both whirled around to find Taylor gone from the stage. The guys stood up as well with shocked expressions, not having seen her leave. "I don’t see her." Chris said, his eyes scanning the stadium.
"Think she ran backstage?" Justin asked, grabbing his coat to go and look for her.
"Maybe. What about the bus?" JC asked, grabbing his as well to go and help.
"Doubt it. I’d check corners." Lance said quietly before walking off.
Joey turned to Chris. "What does that mean? Does he know something we don’t?"
Chris shrugged. "I don’t know anything about that boy anymore but let’s do what he says, he knows more about what’s going on here than anyone."
Joe nodded. "True. You take the left and I’ll go right. Justin come with me and Jace can go with Chris." They all nodded and split up in search of the missing band member.
Justin turned to Joey as they made their way out of the stadium. "Do you think she’s all right?" His eyes sad with worry and regret.
Joe sighed. "I hope so. I sincerely hope so. She’s been living with some real cats for the past few weeks, she’s probably pretty tired and worn out from it all."
Justin nodded. "Yeah, I just hope that, that’s it."
~*~
Dani set her bass on its stand and sat on the stairs of the stage. She gritted her teeth and tried to stop the flow of tears that she could feel coming from behind her eyes. She put her head on her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs and rocked herself, trying to calm down, stop the flood of tears and her temper from over pouring again.
Kat stared at the empty drumset and pulled out a folded up piece of paper from her back pocket and slowly opened it up.
I don't know how much longer I can stand watching Dani and Kat fight. So much anger and misunderstood tensions. I know I can't help them work it out, but it's tearing their friendship apart and I'd hate to see that happen. What happened to us? We all used to be so close and now… and now we can't even stand to be in close proximity. I'm too sensitive… all of this is ripping me into pieces and I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold out…
Kat folded it back up, having re-read it so many times, she almost had it memorized. She rubbed her forehead before turning to watch Dani, sitting down. Gritting her teeth and putting her hands in her pocket, she walked over and sat down next to her. "Taylor's fine."
"That's not what's on my mind."
"What is?"
"What happened to us?"
"I couldn't tell you. We stopped talking, we stopped communicating, we became three separate people living in one small bus, three different people who've changed."
"Yeah…"
They both stared out at the empty stadium seats. "I'm sorry." Kat told her, turning to look at the younger girl. "I'm sorry for not telling you how I felt about Justin, for not talking to you in general, for being snippy, for being…for being a total bitch."
Dani looked at her out of the corner of her eye and sighed. "You're forgiven."
Kat's eyes widened in disbelief. "I'm not the only one here that needs to apologize though." She shook her head and stood up to leave. "Dani… you're one of a kind." She bit out before turning to leave.
"What do you want me to say, Kat? I'm not sorry for anything I've said about you, or Taylor. You both have changed and it's not for the better."
"Go to hell, Dani. We're not the ones that have changed… you have." She told her before grabbing her guitar and leaving.
~*~
Taylor opened the door to the bathroom and slipped inside, wiping the tears from her eyes. She walked over to the mirror and stared at herself. Mascara was running down her cheeks, dark rings encircled her eyes and her clothes were beginning to bag on her body from lack of nutrition. She tried to smile at the ludicrous picture that she portrayed in the mirror but the minute her lips tried to form a smile, more tears would slide down.
She furiously swiped at the nuisances before grabbing a paper towel and wiping off her face.
"TAYLOR!" She heard yelled in the hallway.
Lance. She turned to the deep voice almost instinctively but simultaneously shrank back against the sink. She didn't have the strength to deal with him right now. She didn't understand why they wouldn't leave her and Dolphin's Cry alone. Backing away from everyone during her childhood had always worked before. When she'd get lonesome, all she'd have to do was shut down and everyone around her would give her a weird look but figure that she just wanted some time alone and leave. Sometimes, it'd get so bad that they'd want to get away from her and send her back to Child Services until another family would try to take care of her.
No one ever understood her, not until Kat. Kat stuck to her like glue until she worked her way into her heart and forced her to change. Taylor turned back to the mirror, remembering the last time she had fully shut down.
~Flashback~
16 year old, Taylor ran into her room and slammed the door, not bothering to turn any lights on when she'd entered. Nothing seemed to be going right and having any kind of light on would only remind her of what a failure she truly was.
She shrank down against the side of her twin bed, pulling her knees up to her chest, her head bent down against them, as she began to cry silently. She rocked back and forth, trying to banish the demons, but nothing seemed to be working.
"Taylor? Don't forget to feed the cat."
"Yes, Mrs. Wilkinson." Taylor said loudly enough for her to hear, trying to keep the trembling out of her voice.
"Okay, thanks dear." She told her outside her door as she walked back into the living room to watch TV.
Tay shook her head. "Only when the cat needs feeding does she remember that I even live here."
She thought back to her day at school and tried to stop her chin from trembling. Nothing had gone right that day. First, she'd been late for school because Kat had decided that her chest wasn't big enough and wanted to try stuffing, then when they had arrived one became lop-sided and she had dragged Taylor into the bathroom with her to fix them. She'd missed biology that morning only to run into her teacher an hour later in the hallway who had demanded to know why she had skipped class. Taylor hadn't been able to think of a good enough excuse and had been assigned detention, which meant missing band practice after school. The only thing worthwhile to her in her very existence.
After telling her band director that she wouldn't be able to make percussion ensemble, she had found her boyfriend of a week, Tommy, making out in the corner of the hallway with Brianne, a senior cheerleader. That had been the icing of the cake, without saying a word to him, she had turned around and left school, skipping detention to run home and lock her self in her room. Lock herself where she knew there were remedies to the pain, remedies to the ache, remedies to all the tension and screaming thoughts running rampant through her head.
She looked to her bedside table's drawer and pulled out the razor blade that she kept hidden there. The blade that had traveled from house to house with her and was always the option if things got to be too much, cause she didn't really have anyone who would care if she was gone.
"Taylor?" A knock on the door stopped her from going any further than holding it above her wrist.
"What do you want, Kat?"
"Can I come in?"
Taylor sighed, returning the blade to its spot in the drawer before closing it and wiping her face. "Yeah."
The door slowly opened and Kat walked in and sat down on the edge of her bed. "I'm sorry."
Taylor turned her tear stained face to her best friend. "For what?"
"For everything. Not telling you about Tommy, for making you late, for not being here enough for you, for not being a good friend, for not noticing how close to the brink you are." She looked directly into Taylor's shocked eyes on the last statement.
Taylor looked to the floor, trying to stop any more tears from falling. "You don't have anything to apologize for, you've been a good friend to me." She said softly, picking at the carpet.
"Taylor, if I had been a good friend, I would have seen what's been going on in that mind of yours." She picked up Taylor's left wrist. "And I would have seen these." She pointed to the faint criss cross lines adorning her wrist."
Taylor jerked her arm back. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"You, Taylor. That's what I'm talking about." Kat sighed, wrapping her own arms around her legs. "I kept thinking it'd go away, that you'd get better, that it was a phase, but it's not is it. Is it?" Kat turned to her quickly, grabbing her shoulders so the younger girl would look at her.
"I don't know."
"You do."
"I DON'T. Some days I'm fine, some days are okay, and then some days I want to crawl into a hole and never come back. Is that what you want to hear? Then there are other days… days that you DON'T want to hear about… days that I want to die!" Taylor stood up and walked to the other side of the room, arms wrapped around her torso, trying to comfort herself.
Kat sat back stunned. She hadn't known that it had gotten to that point, she had wondered, but hadn't known. "Tay…"
"What, Kat?"
"Have you thought about… you know getting help?"
"Can't afford it."
"Would you if you could…if I could…"
Taylor turned around and Kat almost cried herself at the naked anguish that was revealed in her eyes. "I just want to be happy."
~End Flashback~
Taylor shook her head to clear the memory. That was a different time and place. They'd all changed and Kat wasn't her strength anymore. Kat hadn't even realized that she'd gone past her breaking point again.
She slid down the wall of the bathroom, huddled in the corner and rocked herself until she felt calm again, until the numbness returned and the pain slid away to the recesses of her mind again.
Taylor took a deep breath and went to stand when all of a sudden a shrill ring sounded in the bathroom causing her to jump. She looked at the phone, attached to her belt, wondering if she should answer it. She didn't want to talk to whoever was on the other end but when the ringing kept happening, she grabbed it and hit talk. "Hello?" She answered shakily.
"Where are you?" Kat asked.
"Somewhere."
"What's going on Taylor?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't pull this shit on me!" Kat yelled into the phone. "I found a page from your diary."
Taylor sat down hard, her mouth wide open in shock. "You read my diary? How could you!"
"No. I found a page in the couch when I sat down on your notebook. What's going on Tay? Talk to me."
"No."
"Don't do this to me, Tay, I need you."
"You don't need me, Kat. No one does."
She could hear Kat begin to cry over the phone. "It's happening again, isn't it?"
"Goodbye Kat. I'll see you onstage in a few minutes."
"Don't hang up on me!"
"Kat…"
"Taylor, please."
"A few minutes…" Click
Kat stared at the phone she was holding. "I have this feeling that I won't though…"
Taylor turned back to the mirror, wiping her eyes one last time, before opening the door and walking into the hallway. Her thoughts weren't on performing, walking, and singing, anything but how she was feeling. She was in her own little world and so when she ended up flat on her back from running into something, it didn't really phase her except to disorient her a little.
"Taylor! Are you okay?"
She shook her head, trying to clear out the clouds and cobwebs from her brain and looked up to find Lance, hunched down beside her, an incredibly worried expression on his face.
She nodded. "I'm fine. I have soundcheck."
He looked at her pale face, the dead eyes, and the remnants of tears on her cheeks and shook his head. "No, you're not performing." He grabbed her hands and pulled her to her feet, where she swayed.
"I have a job to do." She turned to look at him, no emotion showing on her face.
He trembled slightly, having never seen a person that closed off to their surroundings and anyone in them. "I'm sorry, but you're not. You're not well, your groupmates aren't talking and we all thought you needed some time off. You're not performing and that's final."
She relaxed visibly and almost sank into him, when he placed an arm around her shoulders to guide her out to the buses in the back. "Thank you." She whispered before shocking him by falling into a dead faint at his feet.
Lance grabbed her underneath her shoulders before she hit the floor and lowered her carefully down. "Help me!" He yelled down the hallway.
JC and Chris came running down the hallway and skidded to a halt in shock when they saw the two of them. JC ran over with Chris on his heels, and bent down beside them. "What happened?" JC asked.
"She literally ran into me when I was walking around the corner. She was heading back onstage, but… she was dead inside. She had closed off everything. I told he she wasn't performing and she resisted but then… I don't think her body could take it anymore and she slid into a faint. I grabbed right before she hit the floor." Lance explained, hurriedly, all the while, gently rubbing her fore head with the back of his hand.
JC looked down at the fragile face before turning to Chris. "Go get Mike and call an ambulance."
Chris nodded and ran to the dressing rooms where Mike and Lonny were playing poker.
JC turned to Lance. "Go get Kat. She'll want to be here."
Lance pushed a strand of hair behind her ear before standing. "Take care of her."
"I will."
Lance headed to ward the arena quickly, hoping Kat hadn't moved from where he had left her.
JC turned his attention back to the girl, lying on the floor and gently shifted an arm under her knees and under her shoulder before lifting her to his body. He pulled her close, placing her in his lap, so that she could feel his warmth and strength as they waited for the paramedics.
He looked down into her face and sighed. "Girlie, what's going on in that mind of yours? What is so bad that you aren't taking care of yourself?"
Taylor looked up blankly. "Yeah… did you need something?" She asked, quietly, but pointedly. She had been staring at the same page of writing for the past half hour, just staring off into space, the end of the pencil resting in her mouth as whatever was on her mind took over her entire body.
Dani's eyes narrowed and she tossed her hair over her shoulder in contempt. "No, was just wondering what so fascinating on that page." She smirked as if she found her comment amusing when it truly wasn't. She flopped onto the opposite couch and stared at the blonde girl.
Taylor sighed and set her notebook down. "What, Dani…" She turned to the other girl and raised an eyebrow.
"Actually there is something…" She leaned back and stretched.
"Knew it." Taylor muttered before focusing on Dani again.
"Could I borrow some of you Dolphin Cry stationary. I ran out of mine." She leaned forward her, elbows resting on her knees as she looked at Taylor intently.
"Yeah." She opened her notebook and pulled out three sheets of powder blue stationary with a small dolphin up in the right hand corner, before closing it again. They had all splurged in the beginning and bought the stationary especially for the three of them for when writing fans back, but as time went on, they had all begun to use it for personal correspondence without thinking.
"Thanks, Tay, you're such a peach." Dani said, snidely, jumping up from the couch to head back to her bunk.
Taylor sighed, watching her walk down the aisle of the bus. "Hey Dani!" Taylor yelled suddenly.
She whirled around with a big smile on her face. "What's that, Tay?"
"How does it feel to be the resident bitch on the bus?" Taylor looked straight into her eyes to let her know she was dead serious.
Dani's eyes widened then narrowed in anger. "How does it feel to be the most pitied and pathetic person in the world?"
Taylor sucked in a deep breath before shaking her head. "Go away, Dani."
"You started it, Tay. What can't take the heat?" She walked back into the room and stood in the doorway. "Let me tell you something… I won't hide the truth from you unlike Kat."
Tay looked up at her tiredly. "What's this all important secret that you all are hiding from me?"
"That no one likes you, no one cares." She sneered. "You walk around here like you're Miss High and Mighty but you're nothing and for that everyone pities you. You live in your own little world, not even realizing what's going on around you."
Taylor shook her head and opened up her notebook again. "I'm not going to discuss this. Just go do…whatever it is you do nowadays." She pulled the pencil out from behind her ears and began to write down her thoughts.
"You're not ignoring me this time." Dani demanded grabbing Tay's notebook and tossing it to the other couch. "We're having a discussion and we're going to finish it."
Tay sighed. "This isn't a discussion, this is a crucification." She leaned back. "If you've got a problem, Dani, just say it."
"Yeah, I've got a problem…" Dani began, but she was suddenly pulled from the doorway, effectively shutting her up.
"Now is not the time or the place, Elf." Kat said, stepping into the lounge. "Go cool your heels elsewhere. I don't want you in the same room with me and I'm planning on watching TV." She flopped onto the other couch, crushing Tay's notebook underneath her as she grabbed the remote and turned the TV on.
Taylor stared at Kat's butt on her notebook and felt the tears begin to form again. All her words crushed. She took a deep breath before standing up to leave. "Where you going, Tay?" Kat asked, snidely, not even looking up at her.
"Away from both of you. Neither of you cares about what's going on around you, except to nurse this anger that's inside of you. I'm leaving before it smothers me." She shook her head and walked to her bunk to climb in and take a nap.
"Well you know what… I didn't want to be around you either and if you wanted your god damn notebook, you should've said something!" Kat yelled, tossing the book into the hallway, papers flying everywhere.
Taylor felt a tear slide down her cheek as she jumped into the hallway from her bunk, grabbing her notebook and all the loose paper before anyone could pick them up and read all the stuff that she had written down in concrete thoughts. She clutched them to her chest just as Dani came out of the back lounge, looking extremely angry. "Go hide in your corner. We'll finish what we were talking about later." She swept past Taylor and climbed into her bunk, pulling her headphones on, cutting off all communication.
Kat's head fell back against the arm of the couch. Her hand came up and pinched the bridge of her nose as she sighed. She didn't know what to do anymore; her dreams were falling apart as her biggest nightmare was beginning to come true. She shook her head fighting her demons and reached for the remote. A loud rustling sound came from beneath her as she moved and she reached beneath her and pulled out a blue piece of paper with writing on it.
~*~
They arrived at the venue and both groups were hustled in for soundcheck since they were running about two hours behind schedule. "Dolphin’s Cry, you’re up."
Kat stalked up on stage and ripped her guitar out of its stand. "You know, why are we still doing this?" She asked everyone into the mic.
"What?" The sound technician who was fine-tuning the amps asked.
She looked at him, scathingly. "I wasn’t talking to you." She turned to look at Tay and Dani who were getting their own instruments tuned and set up. "Why?"
Dani rolled her eyes. "Being melodramatic again, are we?" She smirked at the guys who were sitting in the front row, waiting for their own chance to be on stage.
"No, actually I’m dead serious. Why are we together when we can’t stand to be near each other? I would rather be anywhere but up here with you Dani."
"Then leave, we don’t need you. I can sing all your parts just fine, with Tay on back up and we’ll find a guitar ringer." She looked out at the audience. "Justin plays guitar… want to play for Kat tonight?" She smiled sweetly.
"Justin is not playing for me, Dani, if I don’t go on none of you do." Kat told her quietly.
"Wanna bet, Kat, you are not holding me back. I could go solo just fine if I wanted to. I don’t need any of you."
"Is that what this is really about?" Kat asked her, staring at her as if for the first time. "You think you’re too good for us and want to quit and go solo?"
"No, it’s that I can’t take all of this internal bullshit anymore." Dani yelled at her.
"If you’d get off your high horse and come back down to our level, maybe there wouldn’t be any fighting!" Kat yelled back.
"Sure, we can all go back to being hunky dory while Miss Prick over there behind the drums continues on as if this wasn’t all her fault." Dani yelled, pointing over at Taylor.
"Don’t drag her into this. This is between you and me." Kat pointed at her, dropping her guitar on stage to stomp over to where Dani was standing.
"No this is between all of us and every time we try to talk, she pulls her disappearing act and clams up. I’m sick of it. She treats us as if she’s better than us and I’m not going to stand for it."
"No, she doesn't… "
Taylor listened to them bicker, feeling sicker and sicker to her stomach. Dani and Kat didn’t relent, yelling at each other, making everything worse, while blaming all of their troubles on her. It’s true though… it is all my fault…
NSYNC sat out in the audience stunned. Their fights had always been kept behind closed doors and what they had seen so far, they had thought Dolphin’s Cry was doing a pretty good job of doing that as well. "This is getting ugly." Justin leaned over, whispering to Lance.
"Yeah, think we should do something?" He whispered back.
"I don’t know, but reporters are everywhere. I’d hate for this to get in the tabloids."
"Yeah… what do we do?"
"I…" Justin stopped as JC stood up, his expression closed against any emotion.
"Girls!" He yelled.
They turned to look at him, shocked to find other people in the stadium.
"This is all very interesting and all, but none of us want to hear about your dirty laundry, air it elsewhere and do your job." He made eye contact with Kat and didn't flinch at the raw hatred that was coming from her eyes. He knew it wasn't for him specifically but for Dani but it did take him aback some. He broke the stare and sat back down, folding his hands behind his head. Justin watched his older friend look back at the stage after looking up at the ceiling and could tell that he was pissed because he kept working his jaw and gritting his teeth.
"Right." Kat nodded, tossing aside any animosity she felt on stage and once again becoming the professional they all knew her to be. "Cue up ‘I Want You’" She told the sound technician, signaling for lights and sound.
"Don’t you want to wait for Taylor to come back or do you want us to use the DAT for her?" The techie’s voice came down from the booth over the speakers.
Dani and Kat both whirled around to find Taylor gone from the stage. The guys stood up as well with shocked expressions, not having seen her leave. "I don’t see her." Chris said, his eyes scanning the stadium.
"Think she ran backstage?" Justin asked, grabbing his coat to go and look for her.
"Maybe. What about the bus?" JC asked, grabbing his as well to go and help.
"Doubt it. I’d check corners." Lance said quietly before walking off.
Joey turned to Chris. "What does that mean? Does he know something we don’t?"
Chris shrugged. "I don’t know anything about that boy anymore but let’s do what he says, he knows more about what’s going on here than anyone."
Joe nodded. "True. You take the left and I’ll go right. Justin come with me and Jace can go with Chris." They all nodded and split up in search of the missing band member.
Justin turned to Joey as they made their way out of the stadium. "Do you think she’s all right?" His eyes sad with worry and regret.
Joe sighed. "I hope so. I sincerely hope so. She’s been living with some real cats for the past few weeks, she’s probably pretty tired and worn out from it all."
Justin nodded. "Yeah, I just hope that, that’s it."
~*~
Dani set her bass on its stand and sat on the stairs of the stage. She gritted her teeth and tried to stop the flow of tears that she could feel coming from behind her eyes. She put her head on her knees, wrapping her arms around her legs and rocked herself, trying to calm down, stop the flood of tears and her temper from over pouring again.
Kat stared at the empty drumset and pulled out a folded up piece of paper from her back pocket and slowly opened it up.
I don't know how much longer I can stand watching Dani and Kat fight. So much anger and misunderstood tensions. I know I can't help them work it out, but it's tearing their friendship apart and I'd hate to see that happen. What happened to us? We all used to be so close and now… and now we can't even stand to be in close proximity. I'm too sensitive… all of this is ripping me into pieces and I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to hold out…
Kat folded it back up, having re-read it so many times, she almost had it memorized. She rubbed her forehead before turning to watch Dani, sitting down. Gritting her teeth and putting her hands in her pocket, she walked over and sat down next to her. "Taylor's fine."
"That's not what's on my mind."
"What is?"
"What happened to us?"
"I couldn't tell you. We stopped talking, we stopped communicating, we became three separate people living in one small bus, three different people who've changed."
"Yeah…"
They both stared out at the empty stadium seats. "I'm sorry." Kat told her, turning to look at the younger girl. "I'm sorry for not telling you how I felt about Justin, for not talking to you in general, for being snippy, for being…for being a total bitch."
Dani looked at her out of the corner of her eye and sighed. "You're forgiven."
Kat's eyes widened in disbelief. "I'm not the only one here that needs to apologize though." She shook her head and stood up to leave. "Dani… you're one of a kind." She bit out before turning to leave.
"What do you want me to say, Kat? I'm not sorry for anything I've said about you, or Taylor. You both have changed and it's not for the better."
"Go to hell, Dani. We're not the ones that have changed… you have." She told her before grabbing her guitar and leaving.
~*~
Taylor opened the door to the bathroom and slipped inside, wiping the tears from her eyes. She walked over to the mirror and stared at herself. Mascara was running down her cheeks, dark rings encircled her eyes and her clothes were beginning to bag on her body from lack of nutrition. She tried to smile at the ludicrous picture that she portrayed in the mirror but the minute her lips tried to form a smile, more tears would slide down.
She furiously swiped at the nuisances before grabbing a paper towel and wiping off her face.
"TAYLOR!" She heard yelled in the hallway.
Lance. She turned to the deep voice almost instinctively but simultaneously shrank back against the sink. She didn't have the strength to deal with him right now. She didn't understand why they wouldn't leave her and Dolphin's Cry alone. Backing away from everyone during her childhood had always worked before. When she'd get lonesome, all she'd have to do was shut down and everyone around her would give her a weird look but figure that she just wanted some time alone and leave. Sometimes, it'd get so bad that they'd want to get away from her and send her back to Child Services until another family would try to take care of her.
No one ever understood her, not until Kat. Kat stuck to her like glue until she worked her way into her heart and forced her to change. Taylor turned back to the mirror, remembering the last time she had fully shut down.
~Flashback~
16 year old, Taylor ran into her room and slammed the door, not bothering to turn any lights on when she'd entered. Nothing seemed to be going right and having any kind of light on would only remind her of what a failure she truly was.
She shrank down against the side of her twin bed, pulling her knees up to her chest, her head bent down against them, as she began to cry silently. She rocked back and forth, trying to banish the demons, but nothing seemed to be working.
"Taylor? Don't forget to feed the cat."
"Yes, Mrs. Wilkinson." Taylor said loudly enough for her to hear, trying to keep the trembling out of her voice.
"Okay, thanks dear." She told her outside her door as she walked back into the living room to watch TV.
Tay shook her head. "Only when the cat needs feeding does she remember that I even live here."
She thought back to her day at school and tried to stop her chin from trembling. Nothing had gone right that day. First, she'd been late for school because Kat had decided that her chest wasn't big enough and wanted to try stuffing, then when they had arrived one became lop-sided and she had dragged Taylor into the bathroom with her to fix them. She'd missed biology that morning only to run into her teacher an hour later in the hallway who had demanded to know why she had skipped class. Taylor hadn't been able to think of a good enough excuse and had been assigned detention, which meant missing band practice after school. The only thing worthwhile to her in her very existence.
After telling her band director that she wouldn't be able to make percussion ensemble, she had found her boyfriend of a week, Tommy, making out in the corner of the hallway with Brianne, a senior cheerleader. That had been the icing of the cake, without saying a word to him, she had turned around and left school, skipping detention to run home and lock her self in her room. Lock herself where she knew there were remedies to the pain, remedies to the ache, remedies to all the tension and screaming thoughts running rampant through her head.
She looked to her bedside table's drawer and pulled out the razor blade that she kept hidden there. The blade that had traveled from house to house with her and was always the option if things got to be too much, cause she didn't really have anyone who would care if she was gone.
"Taylor?" A knock on the door stopped her from going any further than holding it above her wrist.
"What do you want, Kat?"
"Can I come in?"
Taylor sighed, returning the blade to its spot in the drawer before closing it and wiping her face. "Yeah."
The door slowly opened and Kat walked in and sat down on the edge of her bed. "I'm sorry."
Taylor turned her tear stained face to her best friend. "For what?"
"For everything. Not telling you about Tommy, for making you late, for not being here enough for you, for not being a good friend, for not noticing how close to the brink you are." She looked directly into Taylor's shocked eyes on the last statement.
Taylor looked to the floor, trying to stop any more tears from falling. "You don't have anything to apologize for, you've been a good friend to me." She said softly, picking at the carpet.
"Taylor, if I had been a good friend, I would have seen what's been going on in that mind of yours." She picked up Taylor's left wrist. "And I would have seen these." She pointed to the faint criss cross lines adorning her wrist."
Taylor jerked her arm back. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"You, Taylor. That's what I'm talking about." Kat sighed, wrapping her own arms around her legs. "I kept thinking it'd go away, that you'd get better, that it was a phase, but it's not is it. Is it?" Kat turned to her quickly, grabbing her shoulders so the younger girl would look at her.
"I don't know."
"You do."
"I DON'T. Some days I'm fine, some days are okay, and then some days I want to crawl into a hole and never come back. Is that what you want to hear? Then there are other days… days that you DON'T want to hear about… days that I want to die!" Taylor stood up and walked to the other side of the room, arms wrapped around her torso, trying to comfort herself.
Kat sat back stunned. She hadn't known that it had gotten to that point, she had wondered, but hadn't known. "Tay…"
"What, Kat?"
"Have you thought about… you know getting help?"
"Can't afford it."
"Would you if you could…if I could…"
Taylor turned around and Kat almost cried herself at the naked anguish that was revealed in her eyes. "I just want to be happy."
~End Flashback~
Taylor shook her head to clear the memory. That was a different time and place. They'd all changed and Kat wasn't her strength anymore. Kat hadn't even realized that she'd gone past her breaking point again.
She slid down the wall of the bathroom, huddled in the corner and rocked herself until she felt calm again, until the numbness returned and the pain slid away to the recesses of her mind again.
Taylor took a deep breath and went to stand when all of a sudden a shrill ring sounded in the bathroom causing her to jump. She looked at the phone, attached to her belt, wondering if she should answer it. She didn't want to talk to whoever was on the other end but when the ringing kept happening, she grabbed it and hit talk. "Hello?" She answered shakily.
"Where are you?" Kat asked.
"Somewhere."
"What's going on Taylor?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't pull this shit on me!" Kat yelled into the phone. "I found a page from your diary."
Taylor sat down hard, her mouth wide open in shock. "You read my diary? How could you!"
"No. I found a page in the couch when I sat down on your notebook. What's going on Tay? Talk to me."
"No."
"Don't do this to me, Tay, I need you."
"You don't need me, Kat. No one does."
She could hear Kat begin to cry over the phone. "It's happening again, isn't it?"
"Goodbye Kat. I'll see you onstage in a few minutes."
"Don't hang up on me!"
"Kat…"
"Taylor, please."
"A few minutes…" Click
Kat stared at the phone she was holding. "I have this feeling that I won't though…"
Taylor turned back to the mirror, wiping her eyes one last time, before opening the door and walking into the hallway. Her thoughts weren't on performing, walking, and singing, anything but how she was feeling. She was in her own little world and so when she ended up flat on her back from running into something, it didn't really phase her except to disorient her a little.
"Taylor! Are you okay?"
She shook her head, trying to clear out the clouds and cobwebs from her brain and looked up to find Lance, hunched down beside her, an incredibly worried expression on his face.
She nodded. "I'm fine. I have soundcheck."
He looked at her pale face, the dead eyes, and the remnants of tears on her cheeks and shook his head. "No, you're not performing." He grabbed her hands and pulled her to her feet, where she swayed.
"I have a job to do." She turned to look at him, no emotion showing on her face.
He trembled slightly, having never seen a person that closed off to their surroundings and anyone in them. "I'm sorry, but you're not. You're not well, your groupmates aren't talking and we all thought you needed some time off. You're not performing and that's final."
She relaxed visibly and almost sank into him, when he placed an arm around her shoulders to guide her out to the buses in the back. "Thank you." She whispered before shocking him by falling into a dead faint at his feet.
Lance grabbed her underneath her shoulders before she hit the floor and lowered her carefully down. "Help me!" He yelled down the hallway.
JC and Chris came running down the hallway and skidded to a halt in shock when they saw the two of them. JC ran over with Chris on his heels, and bent down beside them. "What happened?" JC asked.
"She literally ran into me when I was walking around the corner. She was heading back onstage, but… she was dead inside. She had closed off everything. I told he she wasn't performing and she resisted but then… I don't think her body could take it anymore and she slid into a faint. I grabbed right before she hit the floor." Lance explained, hurriedly, all the while, gently rubbing her fore head with the back of his hand.
JC looked down at the fragile face before turning to Chris. "Go get Mike and call an ambulance."
Chris nodded and ran to the dressing rooms where Mike and Lonny were playing poker.
JC turned to Lance. "Go get Kat. She'll want to be here."
Lance pushed a strand of hair behind her ear before standing. "Take care of her."
"I will."
Lance headed to ward the arena quickly, hoping Kat hadn't moved from where he had left her.
JC turned his attention back to the girl, lying on the floor and gently shifted an arm under her knees and under her shoulder before lifting her to his body. He pulled her close, placing her in his lap, so that she could feel his warmth and strength as they waited for the paramedics.
He looked down into her face and sighed. "Girlie, what's going on in that mind of yours? What is so bad that you aren't taking care of yourself?"