Pride & Prejudice - Chapter 2
The party at the assembly hall had been going on for just a short time when Mrs. Bennet and her daughters arrived. The younger Miss Bennets quickly took to the dance floor, while Mrs. Bennet found a like-minded individual to converse with.
Elizabeth was rather pleased to spot her good friend Charlotte Lucas across the room.
"Hey, Char," said Lizzy. "Any sign of the infamous Bingley yet?"
"No, not yet. But dad did say he personally walked an invitation over to Netherworld Park for Mr. Bingley and whoever else he wanted to bring, so I bet--"
"Why, MR. BINGLEY," called out a voice behind them. "So glad you could make it!"
"Oh, capital, capital," said Sir William Lucas as he strode across the room. "I was quite afraid you wouldn't show, old chap, but here you are! Let me introduce you to our assembly. Ahem, Mr. Bingley, I'd like you to meet...everyone. Everyone...this is Mr. Bingley!"
“Oh, Mr. Bingley!” screeched Mrs. Bennet. “You’re much more handsome than I imagined! And so leafy, too!”
"Um, Dad? Are you sure that's Mr. Bingley? I thought his head was smaller."
"Oh, nonsense Charlotte, you silly goose. Of course this is Mr. Bingley. I'd know my own neighbor anywhere!"
"Daddy, did you leave your glasses at home again?"
"And so what if I did? They make me look smart, and I can't be having that!"
"But daddy I still don't think--"
"Oh, look!"
"Mr. Bingley brought cake! I told him he could bring a dessert to the party, but only if he wanted, and good thing he did because none of you all brought any desserts, which I think is just plain rude and shows horrible--"
"Daddy, LOOK OUT!"
"Well, I'll be," said Sir William. "Charlotte, his head's smaller. Do you recognize him now?"
"AHEM! Move away from the mutant, sir, ma'am. Sanderson, pick that thing up and watch out for it's fangs - the last thing we need is all these nice civilians here fainting at the sight of your large intestine leaking all over their carpet."
"Say, who're you? I didn't invite you to our party."
"They're - Squee! - soldiers!" said Lydia.
"The frog in the orange wig is correct," said one of the newcomers. "My name is Carter and I'm a Captain in Colonel Foster's Anti-Creature Regiment. We've been tracking these little bastards ever since they escaped from Riverblossom Hills a few weeks back."
"They didn't pose too much of a threat until they neared that radioactive crash site outside town and mutated into the ginormous, dessert-spewing monsters like the one you just witnessed. Luckily, our R&D Department invented a de-mutation ray to shrink them back to normal, puny-monster size."
"There are a whole herd of these things wandering around this area, offering all sorts of scrumptious goodies to innocent, helpless civilians like yourselves, so I need you to be extra vigilant about who you associate with. Know your surroundings! No wandering around alone, no answering doors without first confirming who's behind it, and, if you should be cornered by one of these monstrous beasts, do not, I repeat DO NOT take anything they offer, no matter how delectable and cream-filled. Is that clear?!"
"Squee!" said Lydia, followed by a "Squee! Squee!" from Kitty.
"But Mr. Captain Carter, sir?" asked Sir William. "What happens if we take the cake?"
"Hmm. That's a good question. And I would tell you except I'm afraid the shock of it would damage your fragile mind so greatly that your knees would turn to jelly and your stomach would turn to spinach and your spleen would turn to linguini and you'd run around in circles shouting 'I'm a fruit salad! I'm a fruit salad! Boingy-boingy-boingy-boo!' Also I don't know. I only know it's bad. Very bad."
"Oh. But Mr. Captain Carter, sir? A dear friend of mine was supposed to come to our party tonight and hasn't yet shown. Do you think he might have taken the cake?!"
"Of course I do. And I hope for your sake he was a good enough friend that the SimCity Insurance Company drops off a check soon, if you catch my drift. Oh, and just so you're in the know, our regiment will be patrolling the town until the very last one of these hideous things are de-mutated and in our possession. So be careful. Come on, Sanderson, let's go."
The soldiers departed, taking the de-mutated monster with them. The party quickly turned into a Real Dud as everyone was full of solemn thoughts about Mr. Bingley. Everyone, that is, except Kitty and Lydia, who were giddy over the thoughts of officers wandering about the town and expressed their happiness by doing nothing but making making extremly high-pitched noises for the next couple hours. Their mother, though, was the most anguished of all, as she had anticipated marrying the unseen and probably-now-deceased rich young gentleman off to any one of her daughters that he would take (but especially Mary, because Mrs. Bennet really, really wanted her out of the house).
"Oh, poor Mr. Bingley," cried Mrs. Bennet over and over again. "Now he'll never marry one of my daughters and never get to share his 5,000 simoleons a day with us and never get his brain chopped up by my husband and never get to meet Mr. Cactus! AHWHWAAAAA! Poor, poor, poor, poor Mr. Bingley!"
“Poor Mr. Bingley? Madame, I assure you if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s Poor.”
Will Mr. Bingley explain why he didn't bring his Baked Alaska to the party??
Will Kitty & Lydia ever stop SQUEEING??
Will we ever get to Darcy?? I mean, really, I thought Pride & Prejudice was all about him.
Find out the answers to these thrilling questions and more, next time on P&P&P!