Whatever You Can Get?

[samnite]

So Facebook has this wacky new pulse feature that charts schools' most popular movies, books, TV shows, music, etc. and generally just gives you lots of random facebook based information. On the right side of the screen there are statistics like "23% of Male Columbia students are Liberal." Right above that one was "12% of female columbia students

Comments

[jabberwocky23]

hey! i'm not married to another girl.

i'm married to peter.

[p.s. did you notice how right when we went home for break facebook went CRAZY with new features? pulse thingy! how you know someone thingy! [i can't wait for people to start using the dated/hooked up with feature, i'm hoping they'll show on the sidebar when you click on random people "so-and-so hooked up with your roommate in 2004" and other such important information.]]

[kurupira]

haha, yeah, I had so much fun filling those out. Gotta love the one that says "I don't even know this person," then goes on to ask "Then why are you friends with them?" if you check it. I'm so tempted to make up random stuff and see if my friends confirm it...

[scapino]

I liked this one:

1%
of male students are .

Good to know that at least 1% of our males are existentially secure enough to be.

[1max_power1]

I find it disappointing there is no "I stalk this person and s/he doesn't even know I exist" option.

There goes like half my FaceBook friends.

facebook = man's greatest anthropological tool

[anonymous]

some thoughts:

a) and i quote you: "Aren't statistics great?" suck it sam, i'm not a big dork after all.

b) the facebook/cyborg thing seems retarded, but if you look at it, the "cebo" fa"cebo"ok isnt that far off from "cybo"rg. im just surprised it didnt spellcheck f"acebo"ok as pl"acebo". apparently spellcheck expects you to be more prone to adding nonsensical character strings before your words (i.e. "fa") than after them (i.e. "ok).

c) at both smith and wellesley the #2 movie is garden state. how is it not number 1?!?!?!

d) we'll know facebook is awesome if one day it learns to spit out the following statistic: "100% of females at Yale are hideous."

mcv

Cogito Ergo Cum In Your Frosted Flakes

[markqmerl]

In the words of my role model, Sam, "it has been a long time since i sucked two cocks." Well, it is a true statement, at least when it comes to Sam. Anyway, I was reading your journal while i was beating off on your dads adams apple, and I realized what you said about facebook isn't true. What is true is that your ass is so loose that a snake slithered in it and laid eggs. But that is besides the point, the real point of this email is as an intervention to get you to stop using whale penises as hammocks.

Love your Algerian dildo maker
Mark Q Merl

P.S. I gave your mom plastic surgery

P.S.S. I used my penis to perform the surgery, and i used my cum as botox

Re: Cogito Ergo Cum In Your Frosted Flakes

[samnite]

Dear my secret admirer,

I'm sorry you're at home now and there aren't any frats for you to party at. I really feel your pain. I'm sure it sucks when you try to throw a party and your mom comes down and tells you to shut up if you want to be able to use the car... but honestly, find some better hobbies. It wasn't funny back when you were in high school and acting stupid and, amazingly, it's gotten even dumber with age. Just stop. It's boring.

If you're bored, I'd suggest you pick up the first season of Arrested Development on DVD. It'll keep you busy and you might learn a thing or two about actual humor. Then again, it seems as if it may be entirely beyond your grasp.

Take care.

Your friend,
Sam

Re: Cogito Ergo Cum In Your Frosted Flakes

[1max_power1]

Guys, I know who this is (mostly because you told me), and it's just not funny. I hate to say it, but Sam's right, you guys need something better to do with your time.

Just give it a rest and spend your time thinking of how drunk we'll get over this break.