Experience #9 - Misunderstandings + High Emotions + Grudges = Shutdown (Part 2)
TW: Suicide ideations due to loss of sanity, depression
I'm going to dare call this entry as a subtitle known as "Loss of Sanity and Welcomed Worthlessness" because it fits so well with what I'm about to write.
Only a few people know the complete story of what I had been through regarding to my wanting to commit suicide several years ago, until now...
Yes, you heard right.
I had once posted about it (though strongly misinterpreted by my mother when she thought I was talking about her) on my Facebook account. A lot of it in its present time had to do with my desperate job search so I can finally move out again. But there were other incidents, including my vacation to Abilene, Texas in 2012, that contributed to it alongside becoming insane in the process. Hearing both my parents and even my fiancee at the time saying that I have no right to get angry over what happened in one of the hotels we stayed at on an air force base, it just made me angrier and it only fueled my wanting to move out again after I graduated from college a second time. Being the "blinded" fool I was back then, I wanted to move back in with the man I once loved. If that didn't work, I really thought about having myself voluntarily committed to a mental institution---all because of what happened during that summer. It was like being and feeling abandoned by everyone who were supposed to love you unconditionally...
Two years later, and up to mid-late April of 2015, I tried looking for work (honestly I felt pressured to look for work in a place that doesn't have many career opportunities). Even with jobs outside my desired fields, I didn't get very many callbacks at all, let alone an interview, along with rejections for an interview. Oh gosh, during the degrading job search I just suddenly started crying for no reason at all. Not one, not twice, but several times over to the point that I gave up off and on. Relating to the first two sentences of the previous paragraph, that's when things went from bad to worse, more to the point that I felt completely worthless in life. I won't go into details there, but let's just say there were a bunch of tears, a talk with my Dad about God and saying that something is missing within me (I wanted to scream "WHERE WAS HE WHEN I NEEDED HIM?! HUH?!" to his face at one point), and Mom wasting gas driving around the neighborhood to calm herself down throughout the night.
Once everyone was able to breathe slowly, that was when I gave my life to Jesus, genuinely accepting Him as my Lord and Savior with my Dad's help. Much to my surprise, every part of my body felt like I was on a giant cloud of comfort after that. I did get baptized a few months later and gradually became committed, in spite of having a lot of other things to do like fully forgiving others for the pain they caused. It's the same with forgiving my ex-fiancee for some of the hurtful things he said, including when it comes to my Christian faith. I'm still single to this day, mainly by choice. Why by choice? Looking back at all of my failed relationships (both male and female), the way I had been treated by most of my exes made me feel like I was a worthless piece of crap for a girlfriend. It all ranged from my love being taken for granted to actually being abused to the point that I hated everyone (and I'd rather not go back to my old, spiteful, vengeful self). That was when I finally realized that the only person who truly loves me unconditionally is the Lord Himself.
The post had since been deleted, and there was another one I was told to delete if I wanted to get a job post-call center work. Being fed up with being put down, being told what I can or can't say even on social media by anyone, I decided if I've been told to delete a post one more time, I was going to delete my account and no one was going to change my mind on the matter. I also came to accept that no one wants to accept a person's authenticity as well as honesty. I know this because I experienced people responding angrily to my honest answers, both offline and online.
As for employment now even during the pandemic, I'm still not actively looking for work and haven't been for over seven months. I'm still going to sell my arts and crafts as a side hustle, too. After thinking practically, I'm going to take some classes on the Microsoft website to become certified on whatever I choose to do. Before having a passion for drawing on paper and on a computer, I also loved working with computers. Looking back on it now, I wish I took Information Systems as a backup major instead of taking all those extra classes I really didn't need. At the moment, I'm browsing through the site to see if I can take any classes relating to Software Development or even using Python. It turns out that in my state, those types of jobs are high-demand. Doing all of this means that I have to swallow my pride on stuff like this. If there is some way that I can work alone most times, that would be even better for me. Working with people was no longer cutting it for me. You can thank my previous retail jobs for that.
It felt so good letting that out. I think this will be my last detailed entry for my critical experiences. I'll do an epilogue post before going back to much lighter posts from here on out.
I'm going to dare call this entry as a subtitle known as "Loss of Sanity and Welcomed Worthlessness" because it fits so well with what I'm about to write.
Only a few people know the complete story of what I had been through regarding to my wanting to commit suicide several years ago, until now...
Yes, you heard right.
I had once posted about it (though strongly misinterpreted by my mother when she thought I was talking about her) on my Facebook account. A lot of it in its present time had to do with my desperate job search so I can finally move out again. But there were other incidents, including my vacation to Abilene, Texas in 2012, that contributed to it alongside becoming insane in the process. Hearing both my parents and even my fiancee at the time saying that I have no right to get angry over what happened in one of the hotels we stayed at on an air force base, it just made me angrier and it only fueled my wanting to move out again after I graduated from college a second time. Being the "blinded" fool I was back then, I wanted to move back in with the man I once loved. If that didn't work, I really thought about having myself voluntarily committed to a mental institution---all because of what happened during that summer. It was like being and feeling abandoned by everyone who were supposed to love you unconditionally...
Two years later, and up to mid-late April of 2015, I tried looking for work (honestly I felt pressured to look for work in a place that doesn't have many career opportunities). Even with jobs outside my desired fields, I didn't get very many callbacks at all, let alone an interview, along with rejections for an interview. Oh gosh, during the degrading job search I just suddenly started crying for no reason at all. Not one, not twice, but several times over to the point that I gave up off and on. Relating to the first two sentences of the previous paragraph, that's when things went from bad to worse, more to the point that I felt completely worthless in life. I won't go into details there, but let's just say there were a bunch of tears, a talk with my Dad about God and saying that something is missing within me (I wanted to scream "WHERE WAS HE WHEN I NEEDED HIM?! HUH?!" to his face at one point), and Mom wasting gas driving around the neighborhood to calm herself down throughout the night.
Once everyone was able to breathe slowly, that was when I gave my life to Jesus, genuinely accepting Him as my Lord and Savior with my Dad's help. Much to my surprise, every part of my body felt like I was on a giant cloud of comfort after that. I did get baptized a few months later and gradually became committed, in spite of having a lot of other things to do like fully forgiving others for the pain they caused. It's the same with forgiving my ex-fiancee for some of the hurtful things he said, including when it comes to my Christian faith. I'm still single to this day, mainly by choice. Why by choice? Looking back at all of my failed relationships (both male and female), the way I had been treated by most of my exes made me feel like I was a worthless piece of crap for a girlfriend. It all ranged from my love being taken for granted to actually being abused to the point that I hated everyone (and I'd rather not go back to my old, spiteful, vengeful self). That was when I finally realized that the only person who truly loves me unconditionally is the Lord Himself.
The post had since been deleted, and there was another one I was told to delete if I wanted to get a job post-call center work. Being fed up with being put down, being told what I can or can't say even on social media by anyone, I decided if I've been told to delete a post one more time, I was going to delete my account and no one was going to change my mind on the matter. I also came to accept that no one wants to accept a person's authenticity as well as honesty. I know this because I experienced people responding angrily to my honest answers, both offline and online.
As for employment now even during the pandemic, I'm still not actively looking for work and haven't been for over seven months. I'm still going to sell my arts and crafts as a side hustle, too. After thinking practically, I'm going to take some classes on the Microsoft website to become certified on whatever I choose to do. Before having a passion for drawing on paper and on a computer, I also loved working with computers. Looking back on it now, I wish I took Information Systems as a backup major instead of taking all those extra classes I really didn't need. At the moment, I'm browsing through the site to see if I can take any classes relating to Software Development or even using Python. It turns out that in my state, those types of jobs are high-demand. Doing all of this means that I have to swallow my pride on stuff like this. If there is some way that I can work alone most times, that would be even better for me. Working with people was no longer cutting it for me. You can thank my previous retail jobs for that.
It felt so good letting that out. I think this will be my last detailed entry for my critical experiences. I'll do an epilogue post before going back to much lighter posts from here on out.