Prompt #26 - Corset
Here's the table again for good measure <3
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I'm coming out, the text said.
The sun was setting and, as Mokuba pulled up to the small bar, it was beginning to rain. The building was located just on the edge of the university campus, where the melting pot of students ended and true Domino began. He had arranged to pick up Jou so that they could chat for a bit at the apartment - it seemed that there were things that he needed to know and Mokuba, a bit more desperate for information about Yami than he would have liked, found the opportunity too good to pass up. The last few days had grated on him and being alone hadn't helped. These weren't problems that he could solve on his own - these weren't even his problems to begin with.
His phone buzzed in his pocket. Another message. Come around the corner to the back. Sorry. Docking area. Down the brick road. It's just around the corner.
Revving up the engine, Mokuba did as he was asked. Just at the end of the block around the bend was a multi-use alley, a back way to reach all of the businesses on the block. It was laid in brick, like Jounouchi had said, and looked very out of place against the smooth, manicured cement it was set into. The bricks themselves had seen better days. Some of them were cracked, broken off in places or missing, so the ride was a bit bumpy as he made his way to the back of the bar. Three cars were parked outside of the dock area and old, wooden stairs led to up to it and the back door. A hooded figure stood at the top of them, waving.
Jounouchi didn't waste any time, hopping onto LaShonda's back with ease while Mokuba moved up a bit to make room. "Hey. Do me a favor - I wanna get the fuck outta here. Quickly."
It didn't take instinct to suspect that something was amiss. If Jounouchi was asking for a speedy retreat there was probably cause for one, as the man was one of the most confrontational people he knew. So Mokuba sped off without delay. As they retraced his path back to the main road, he made his inquiry. "Everything alright?"
He'd hate to think that one of his friends was in some sort of trouble. Despite seeming rough around the edges Jou normally kept his nose clean. Mokuba hadn't seen him fight anyone in nearly a decade.
"I just don't want to see her today," he answered. His voice was low, the tone nearly lost between Mokuba's helmet and the rain, which was becoming a bit heavier than a drizzle. LaShonda still purred like a kitchen, thankfully. As they zipped by the bar, Mokuba couldn't help but scan the patrons littering the entrance. Jou had mentioned a 'she'. Was this woman out and looking for them?
"I don't think I could take another conversation with Mai right now," he added.
Hearing that name only set Mokuba's brain to working. Suddenly he was searching for her blond hair and tall stature in the crowd. That signature purple outfit, the cleavage that seemed to draw the attention of everyone surrounding her. It was hard for Mokuba himself to avoid sneaking a peek, sometimes. There wasn't enough time to spot her though, before he and Jounouchi were too far away to tell. With several questions on his mind, Mokuba made his way home as quickly as possible.
The last time he had seen Jou and Mai together had been at Otogi's party and everything seemed fine then. But considering what his relationship with Yami had been at the time, it seemed more than possible for a lot more to have happened too.
With that in mind, a small part of him hoped that Yami would be waiting for them when they arrived, but he had no such luck. The flat was empty and dark until he turned on the lights, everything exactly where Mokuba had left it. So he offered Jounouchi anything in the fridge, some fresh clothes since they'd been out in the rain, and the two of the sat in the kitchen with a few beers.
"I know I'm 'sposed to be talkin' to ya about Yami, but I'm chargin' for info t'day. I'm too stressed out." Jou took a swig from his bottle and sighed. He seemed unable to get comfortable: first his head was in his hands, then he was leaning forward and next he was turned to the side.
"I broke up wit Mai," he said. The edge to his voice let Mokuba know that it was not a fact up for discussion. "And... she's just everywhere. Won't leave me alone. Just keeps showin' up. Jounouchi was trying to make some sort of gesture with his hands. Mokuba wasn't sure how to interpret it, though. "I'm not gonna get into the details, but I made some... sacrifices, and it wasn't good enough. She wants some stuff I can't do. And she wants me back. Fucking Mai Valentine wants me - who else would turn that down? Someone like her? Pfft. I just think I'm goin' crazy. I swear if I see her one more time, I might just do it. Just break and say fuck it and give in."
Mokuba remembered feeling the same way, once. That pressure to settle for someone better than him, for an opportunity that others would kill for. He sometimes felt that way about his brother, too. Who wouldn't want to be the heir a fortune and a company? He knew exactly what Jounouchi was talking about, so he spoke the obvious truth.
"...but you won't be happy."
Jou suddenly perked up, eyes bright. "No, I won't."
The girl he'd talked to everyone about during the game at Otogi's - Andrea - she'd been just like that. "I know. My first girlfriend did the same thing." He drummed his fingers on the table. Even thinking about her brought back good memories. Rather than the hurt he'd experienced because of her decisions, the fact that she made him feel as though he would never be good enough, those weren't the things he thought of. Instead what crossed his mind was the way he'd felt when he held her, when she lavished him with attention or those moments, however few, when she seemed content only with him. "She didn't want anything stable. But she was fucking amazing. That shit hurts."
"Exactly!" The joy of recognition was quickly followed by quiet defeat. "...yeah, exactly like that."
Mokuba wondered if it would help Jou to hear about what he'd gone through, since it seemed similar so far. Beer, too, helped loosen his tongue a bit. Though it wouldn't change what happened, he had to admit there was some satisfaction in knowing someone else understood him. "Yeah. Andrea - I was in fucking love with her. Basically. Friends - fuck buddies - whatever she wanted to call us; I took it because I wanted her so bad. In my gut, I knew it was going to end badly. I knew it."
Jou sighed. "But ya did it anyway?" he added.
"I wanted to be able to say I saw the possibility through. Maybe she would change her mind if we went out for a while, or whatever. She was just so great. But it's my fault. She told me that she thought I was cute and that she wouldn't mind fucking me and that was it. But I stuck around and we were together a while. I couldn't help wanting her though, like a commitment or whatever. She told me that she wasn't trying to get tied down - to my face, Jou. She said, 'Moku, you know I love you but I just don't want that right now. I'll give you anything else - anything, I promise - but I can't do that relationship stuff’."
Recounting his own stupidity was not something he liked doing. There was no doubting that it was a horrible decision now, no matter how he'd felt at the time. Jounouchi frowned. "You took it."
Mokuba nodded. "I was so miserable. Jealous of everything that moved, frustrated and just taking it out on everyone. I didn't have what I wanted. I was just pretending and I'm not the kind of person who can settle for that."
"Yeah--yeah!" Jou cut in. "That shit is so awful." He took another gulp from his bottle.
"She knew what she was doing, too, I think. She still flirts with me sometimes, now that I'm back. And fuck, Jou, I can't say that I don't like it. It's tempting. But I know what it is. I'm safe now. Too far away from me to have to deal with the consequences. I don't think that she likes me so much as the idea of me, and..."
It was likely true, and sometimes he thought that maybe Andrea didn't really like him at all - at least, not enough to be willing to look into any sort of future with him. His appeal could have been that he was a transfer student, maybe, or just young and naive and looking for... something. A sense of self? It was possible that she just found him amusing or entertaining.
"Man, that's fucked up."
"Yeah."
The two of them sat in silence for a time, nursing their drinks.
Thinking deeply on his relationship with her wasn't something that Mokuba had done for a long time. There were others after her, better than her, in terms of overall relationship quality. But the wound she carved was always the one that felt fresh. Interacting with her was a constant test in preserving his composure and dignity. There was just so much he loved about her: intellectually, mentally, physically - it had been hard not begging her to try again, whenever he was single.
He imagined that Mai was a similar experience. She seemed to always know what she wanted and had not trouble taking initiative. She was also smart, in multiple contexts, and her physical appeal couldn't be missed by anyone with eyes. To think that she was putting Jou through something similar was nearly devastating to hear. Those had been difficult lessons to learn by trial. Realizing that making choices himself didn't always affect other people was frustrating. Mokuba wouldn't have wished such a harsh way of coming to terms with it on his worst enemy, least of all someone like Jounouchi.
Jou had been nothing but an inspiration to him, the type of person who worked hard and did whatever it took to be able to support himself and his friends. In fact, Mokuba had never known a person to work more than one job before meeting him.
"So, uh, Mokuba." When he tried to meet Jou's eyes the man stared down at his bottle instead. "How do you... deal wit that? Like - wit Yami? Does he know about her, or...?" He sighed. "Shit, I sound like a fuckin' douchebag. I mean, does having someone else make it easier?"
"He doesn't know," Mokuba answered quickly. "And honestly, I don't think he would care. Yami tries to handle everything on his own and expects everyone else to do the same for the most part. Just getting him to talk about what happened between him and Yuugi is like pulling teeth."
"Yeah, I figured. They been through a lot. Yami ain't comf'table in his own skin." Suddenly, Jou sat up straight. "That's why I wanted to talk t'ya. There's some stuff you need t'know. Normally, I'd say it ain't my business, but you ain't just anybody and it ain't like you don't care."
That sounded ominous. Mokuba was all ears.
"Look, Mokuba... I don't know if you been able to tell but Yami can't do a lot right now. And he ain't happy about it." He paused, rubbing his face with both hands. "I ain't got a better way to put it, so Imma just say it and then explain it. You were still in town but--yeah, so..." Jou took a deep breath. "Aw, fuck." He shifted in his seat again. "Yami tried to fuckin' kill himself."
What?
"Now I'm not gonna tell you everythin' I know," Jou continued, "cuz fa one I ain't got all the answers. Two, I think that's somethin'. Yami should talk t'ya about at some point."
That was not what Mokuba expected to hear. He struggled for several moments for words, to form a response or a question but in the end his lips merely quivered and nothing emerged.
Whether or not Jounouchi could tell that he was stumbling, the information kept coming. "I guess that's why Anzu was upset when I said he was fucked up, but I wasn't talkin' about that. I was the first one there after Yuugi found him. I'll just say that he coulda picked a cleaner way t'do it. I took 'em to the hospital. Gave 'em Yuug's ID and told 'em they were twins. Worked well enough. There's no scars left, though. Not a single one. I guess that's the magic, but..."
But Mokuba was still floundering. Yami had tried to - tried to--
"You're telling me that he--!" He couldn't push the rest of the sentence beyond his lips, to repeat what Jounouchi had said.
There was no reason for Jou to lie about something so serious, but imagining that impossible. He knew better than to think Yami capable of it. After what they'd been through... none of that made sense. Yami had fought with his life on the line so many times, had fought to protect people he didn't even know. What situation could compare to that, push him to that edge and force him over when he'd been there so many times already?
"I was much too giving in the last life, and I am much too selfish in this one."
Mokuba's lips struggled to express his thoughts as the memories of those words floated back to him. A few days ago, on that night where Yami had not been himself, Mokuba had known it from the very beginning. The first moment Yami spoke, something in his stomach dropped. But he hadn't pushed hard enough in his questions - just let himself be led into placation. Yami had never been unable to handle himself before, or at least appear that he could.
"I've lived too long, and there is nothing left in living for me."
To know now that he could have been struggling with something much darker... Mokuba had let himself be distracted so easily, and in hindsight it felt like failure. Nothing about that night felt right and he'd let it happen anyway. He wasn't sure what he'd thought at the time, anymore. That Yami was lost in thought?
No. That it was reasonable to feel lost when attached to someone the way that Yami was. There was so little to look forward when options were so limited. Mokuba had empathized with Yami, at the time, had given in for the sake of comfort.
"My name was Atem."
He'd felt the weight of it, as Yami had said it; that there were strings attached to that name; that it was important. But he didn't know why it was. Other than searching for his name all those years ago, Mokuba didn't know its significance. Did it stand for anything?
"...to know a man's name is to have dominion over him. What will you do, now that you have mine?"
Would Jounouchi know? Mokuba shook his head in response to his own thoughts. That was not a conversation he should have with anyone else but Yami. "Shit."
"Yeah," Jou replied. It seemed that the few moments it took for Mokuba to utter that word was enough. They were both recovering. "I've talked with Yami more since then, and I do sorta get it. But I wanted to make sure you knew a lil'. Yami's a fucking stubborn asshole and if you can't tell, he don't really talk to people if they don't ask."
An understatement. And though his mind was still reeling, it was some semblance of more normal topics that offered comfort. Not much, but enough to encourage more talking. Mokuba didn't want to sit in silence. He didn't want to perpetuate indifference. It was a miracle that he managed to stand up while not in a panic. "Oh, I know - he and Yuugi have been having some problems recently." Mokuba fiddled around in his pockets, looking for his phone.
"Like it's hard to notice." And since that wasn't news to Jou, he wasn't sure if there was much point in mentioning much more. Mokuba seemed to know the least out of everyone. "Whatever it is, it's really botherin' Yuugi. He's been crashin' at my place. Not that I mind or nothin'. They'll talk once they got it figgered out. That's what they do. Bein' apart helps 'em keep their shit from being jumbled up, I think."
Mokuba hesitated, still processing everything he'd been told. He wanted to call Yami, to ask if he was okay. They hadn't spoken in quite some time and now he was worried. Yami hadn't asked him for help and Mokuba had a feeling that he never would. "...all that happened before they got together?" He avoided using the actual word - he didn't like the image of Yami that it produced.
"Yeah."
Talking with Jou helped keep his thoughts on track and from wandering. His brain was trying to process too much at once, trying to assess things from the past and present. Should he be concerned now? There was little way for him to know if Yami was upset, if he was in danger of attempting something like that again. Hands gripped his phone tightly and he stared at the screen, ready to scroll through to that familiar name and phone number and call. Would Yami answer, even if everything was fine? Was he overreacting?
Jounouchi watched him carefully, and added, "It's fine. He ain't done nothin' else. And I think checkin' on him all the time would just piss him off."
And maybe that was true. Mokuba put his phone away again. "Then..." They would keep talking until he had his thoughts together. Was it right to insist that he know something like that?
Worse were the implications that Yuugi had been there for that. Suffering through that sort of crisis, and the aftermath of it, was something that Mokuba had to admit he was unprepared for. And would've been, if it happened again. He could only imagine how difficult something like that must have been for them both.
It was better to get those thoughts out here, with Jou, he decided. It'd help him be more reserved when he saw Yami again. He would need to contain himself. One of the fronts on which his mind raced quickly was how to navigate a conversation about that topic. How to express his concern and support without being doting. Yami didn't like being fussed over - but Mokuba couldn't help being worried after hearing information like this. This was a new and quickly revealed deficiency on his part. And if he couldn't handle it, there was no way that he could insist that their relationship should continue.
Yami was, at breakneck speed, becoming infinitely more complicated. Mokuba didn't think he could keep up.
"I wish I knew how things were when they were together," he muttered, and then took a deep breath. "I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how Yuugi could have dealt with that." Everyone had been shocked to hear about Yuugi and Yami having been together.
Of all things, Jounouchi chuckled. "I dunno. They were all over the place. Like friends I guess. Seemed happy enough until they broke up. Ugh. That was rough. Yuugi was over at my place like every day for a few months." Surprise colored Mokuba's expression and he continued, a sheepish grin on his face. "Yeah, I knew. But they didn't want nobody else to. I kind of walked in on somethin' I wasn't 'sposed to a while back."
So their secret wasn't quite as ironclad as Yami made it out to be. And a part of him was relieved to know that the two of them hadn't just been isolated, following all of this. This was their best friend, and it just seemed right for him to be in the loop about things - even secret things.
Mokuba pressed further. He was already guilty and might as well make the best of it. Even if he hadn't asked for this information, he was benefitting from it. "...do you know anything about Marik? About Marik and Yami, I mean."
Jou raised an eyebrow. "Wow. Didn't think you knew about that."
"Yami was pretty open about it." This was normal. The tightening in his chest, the press of urgency, was finally beginning to subside. Even if it was only a little, it was enough. "They dated, right?"
"Glad he talked to somebody, then. Uhh... hm. I don't know much about it. I guess it seemed fine? Yami is different from Yuugi. Kind of keeps his shit low key whenever he can. I know that Marik and Yami was a thing for like a year or somethin'. Then they weren’t. All I know is he felt like expectations were high, or something. Got into a lot of talks with Yuugi about it, so I found out that way."
None of that was particularly useful, but at least Mokuba could write off relationships as a course of the same depression that led him to hurt himself. It didn't seem like there were any repeats. A part of him - darting off from his myriad thoughts - considered that he might be making things worse. That he might somehow be pushing Yami to those limits he'd reached before.
"I've lived too long, and there is nothing left in living for me." He would never forget those words, now.
"Does Yami have a counselor or something? Someone that he can talk to?" That seemed the next step, to him. Pretending that there weren't any problems wouldn't help at all. Mokuba resisted the urge to shiver. He never wanted to feel that off-kilter emotion when looking at Yami again. And, if he did, he wanted to know what to do.
Jou paused mid-swig at the question, and placed his bottle back on the table. Suddenly those brown eyes seemed cold as they turned on Mokuba. "I'm gonna be an asshole and tell you that you sound like a dick right now. Not everyone has money for that."
Income being a barrier for that sort of care hadn't occurred to Mokuba. He sighed.
"But he had to see a quack before they let him out of the hospital. So at one point, yeah."
Now he felt worse. "Sorry."
"It's cool I guess. Me and Yuug' were gonna work off the cash, but Yami did somethin' with Kaiba - like a tourney or a billboard for one or somethin'. Got enough to cover everything and then some."
For once, something in this conversation rung a bell for Mokuba. "I remember that."
He'd been about fifteen then, still finishing high school. Seto had been 'offering' for either Yami or Yuugi to do some promotion for the newest duel disk model. Both of them had decline for years, saying that they didn't duel anymore and didn't want to be involved on the business side of things. Seto had grumbled about Sugoroku's shop and the fact that they were wasting their potential, but that didn't stop him from asking every once in a while. At some point something had changed Yami's mind, and he accepted. Mokuba hadn't thought much of it at the time - he didn't hang with the gang enough to notice any absences or weirdness. And furthermore, he could understand taking a break from dueling.
What was more perplexing, in hindsight, was his brother's behavior. Though Seto didn't want to admit it he kept tabs on Yuugi and Yami all the time. When confronted about it, he argued that it was important to know what they were doing. They were his only competent rivals and they had a tendency to make terrible decisions. Seto didn't spy on them or anything - merely checked up on them when they made appearances at certain places, or when the Kame Game Shop ran tournaments and they participated as bonus duelists (which wasn't often, but it still happened). Mokuba guessed that Seto feared they would potentially use their star power against him. They could, if they wanted.
So Seto must've known about the hospital visit. KaibaCorp had their hands in most of the major businesses and media in Domino. In all honesty, Mokuba was sure it was the only reason why his transition to PR hadn't been featured heavily in the news before the press conference about KaibaLand. It might have been the reason why Yami going to the hospital - especially under Yuugi's name - wasn't reported, either.
"You don't even know who he is." At the time, when Seto was questioning him about his involvement with Yami, Mokuba had thought it a baseless jab. Maybe it wasn't.
It occurred to Mokuba that he was truly on the fringes of Yuugi’s friend circle. Though they kept in contact up until he left the country, he clearly had been excluded from more sensitive matters. That lack of knowledge stung a little more than it should have.
"Yami ain't really picked up a deck since. Not for nothin' serious," Jou added.
Mokuba rolled his eyes. "Paying off medical bills from a suicide attempt by dueling wouldn't turn me on to the idea either."
He hadn't meant to say it, not the actual word. But now it was there, between them. Its utterance had an effect on both of them. Jounouchi shifted in his chair and looked away. They both took time to finish off their bottles.
That was a last exchange they had for a while. It was late, and the conversation didn't have much recourse for recovery. Mokuba offered dinner, and instead Jounouchi asked if he could whip something up. He would opt to stay the night and that was how he would compensate for it. So the deal with made using as few words as possible, Jou stowed his belongings in the guest room and took to the stove.
It's not like Yami's coming home, anyway.
That silence gave Mokuba room to think. He had a piece of the big picture and he had to use it to his advantage, if there was one to be had. Emotional issues or not, he liked being with Yami. Mokuba never would have known about any of this if Jou hadn't told him. It seemed cruel, therefore, to consider abandoning him because of this past. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to break things off anyway.
If there was anything he's guessed correctly, it was probably the importance of autonomy. Yami had communicated to him that he often felt trapped. Doomed to be dependent, his path finite and already determined. Mokuba was going to relieve that problem. It wouldn't fix everything, but it would allow Yami a little more freedom. If he was lucky, it would help.
Having the ability to go to school or see a therapist or get a license was important. It was eye opening to meet someone who couldn't. Yami would finally have a shot at an independent future. He would have the opportunity to build toward what he wanted.
Mokuba decided that ready or not, he was going to Yami the following day. They had to talk. In person. Despite being disturbed by what he knew, he had to move forward. Yami needed to know that he was willing to cut the bullshit. Dating was fine, fucking was definitely fine - but Yami needed a real partner with all this shit going on and it didn't make sense to hide that. Mokuba knew that he could be supportive, that he could provide - even if he was lacking experience, he was capable. What wouldn't help was Yami pretending that he could handle everything happening to him.
So many things, in hindsight, made sense. Including Yami being upset the other day. Mokuba hadn't really described Yami's breakdown to Yuugi - but what if Yami thought he had? There were too many factors and what-ifs to consider. He needed to know how Yami felt. Mokuba couldn't put it off any longer. The situation between them had stagnated.
Whatever issue so happened to be eating away at Yami, it was going to pull the man apart if he didn't deal with it and get on with his life. As Yuugi had said, Yami needed to make a choice. It occurred to Mokuba, as he and Jounouchi ate in silence, how badly he desire to be picked.
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I'm coming out, the text said.
The sun was setting and, as Mokuba pulled up to the small bar, it was beginning to rain. The building was located just on the edge of the university campus, where the melting pot of students ended and true Domino began. He had arranged to pick up Jou so that they could chat for a bit at the apartment - it seemed that there were things that he needed to know and Mokuba, a bit more desperate for information about Yami than he would have liked, found the opportunity too good to pass up. The last few days had grated on him and being alone hadn't helped. These weren't problems that he could solve on his own - these weren't even his problems to begin with.
His phone buzzed in his pocket. Another message. Come around the corner to the back. Sorry. Docking area. Down the brick road. It's just around the corner.
Revving up the engine, Mokuba did as he was asked. Just at the end of the block around the bend was a multi-use alley, a back way to reach all of the businesses on the block. It was laid in brick, like Jounouchi had said, and looked very out of place against the smooth, manicured cement it was set into. The bricks themselves had seen better days. Some of them were cracked, broken off in places or missing, so the ride was a bit bumpy as he made his way to the back of the bar. Three cars were parked outside of the dock area and old, wooden stairs led to up to it and the back door. A hooded figure stood at the top of them, waving.
Jounouchi didn't waste any time, hopping onto LaShonda's back with ease while Mokuba moved up a bit to make room. "Hey. Do me a favor - I wanna get the fuck outta here. Quickly."
It didn't take instinct to suspect that something was amiss. If Jounouchi was asking for a speedy retreat there was probably cause for one, as the man was one of the most confrontational people he knew. So Mokuba sped off without delay. As they retraced his path back to the main road, he made his inquiry. "Everything alright?"
He'd hate to think that one of his friends was in some sort of trouble. Despite seeming rough around the edges Jou normally kept his nose clean. Mokuba hadn't seen him fight anyone in nearly a decade.
"I just don't want to see her today," he answered. His voice was low, the tone nearly lost between Mokuba's helmet and the rain, which was becoming a bit heavier than a drizzle. LaShonda still purred like a kitchen, thankfully. As they zipped by the bar, Mokuba couldn't help but scan the patrons littering the entrance. Jou had mentioned a 'she'. Was this woman out and looking for them?
"I don't think I could take another conversation with Mai right now," he added.
Hearing that name only set Mokuba's brain to working. Suddenly he was searching for her blond hair and tall stature in the crowd. That signature purple outfit, the cleavage that seemed to draw the attention of everyone surrounding her. It was hard for Mokuba himself to avoid sneaking a peek, sometimes. There wasn't enough time to spot her though, before he and Jounouchi were too far away to tell. With several questions on his mind, Mokuba made his way home as quickly as possible.
The last time he had seen Jou and Mai together had been at Otogi's party and everything seemed fine then. But considering what his relationship with Yami had been at the time, it seemed more than possible for a lot more to have happened too.
With that in mind, a small part of him hoped that Yami would be waiting for them when they arrived, but he had no such luck. The flat was empty and dark until he turned on the lights, everything exactly where Mokuba had left it. So he offered Jounouchi anything in the fridge, some fresh clothes since they'd been out in the rain, and the two of the sat in the kitchen with a few beers.
"I know I'm 'sposed to be talkin' to ya about Yami, but I'm chargin' for info t'day. I'm too stressed out." Jou took a swig from his bottle and sighed. He seemed unable to get comfortable: first his head was in his hands, then he was leaning forward and next he was turned to the side.
"I broke up wit Mai," he said. The edge to his voice let Mokuba know that it was not a fact up for discussion. "And... she's just everywhere. Won't leave me alone. Just keeps showin' up. Jounouchi was trying to make some sort of gesture with his hands. Mokuba wasn't sure how to interpret it, though. "I'm not gonna get into the details, but I made some... sacrifices, and it wasn't good enough. She wants some stuff I can't do. And she wants me back. Fucking Mai Valentine wants me - who else would turn that down? Someone like her? Pfft. I just think I'm goin' crazy. I swear if I see her one more time, I might just do it. Just break and say fuck it and give in."
Mokuba remembered feeling the same way, once. That pressure to settle for someone better than him, for an opportunity that others would kill for. He sometimes felt that way about his brother, too. Who wouldn't want to be the heir a fortune and a company? He knew exactly what Jounouchi was talking about, so he spoke the obvious truth.
"...but you won't be happy."
Jou suddenly perked up, eyes bright. "No, I won't."
The girl he'd talked to everyone about during the game at Otogi's - Andrea - she'd been just like that. "I know. My first girlfriend did the same thing." He drummed his fingers on the table. Even thinking about her brought back good memories. Rather than the hurt he'd experienced because of her decisions, the fact that she made him feel as though he would never be good enough, those weren't the things he thought of. Instead what crossed his mind was the way he'd felt when he held her, when she lavished him with attention or those moments, however few, when she seemed content only with him. "She didn't want anything stable. But she was fucking amazing. That shit hurts."
"Exactly!" The joy of recognition was quickly followed by quiet defeat. "...yeah, exactly like that."
Mokuba wondered if it would help Jou to hear about what he'd gone through, since it seemed similar so far. Beer, too, helped loosen his tongue a bit. Though it wouldn't change what happened, he had to admit there was some satisfaction in knowing someone else understood him. "Yeah. Andrea - I was in fucking love with her. Basically. Friends - fuck buddies - whatever she wanted to call us; I took it because I wanted her so bad. In my gut, I knew it was going to end badly. I knew it."
Jou sighed. "But ya did it anyway?" he added.
"I wanted to be able to say I saw the possibility through. Maybe she would change her mind if we went out for a while, or whatever. She was just so great. But it's my fault. She told me that she thought I was cute and that she wouldn't mind fucking me and that was it. But I stuck around and we were together a while. I couldn't help wanting her though, like a commitment or whatever. She told me that she wasn't trying to get tied down - to my face, Jou. She said, 'Moku, you know I love you but I just don't want that right now. I'll give you anything else - anything, I promise - but I can't do that relationship stuff’."
Recounting his own stupidity was not something he liked doing. There was no doubting that it was a horrible decision now, no matter how he'd felt at the time. Jounouchi frowned. "You took it."
Mokuba nodded. "I was so miserable. Jealous of everything that moved, frustrated and just taking it out on everyone. I didn't have what I wanted. I was just pretending and I'm not the kind of person who can settle for that."
"Yeah--yeah!" Jou cut in. "That shit is so awful." He took another gulp from his bottle.
"She knew what she was doing, too, I think. She still flirts with me sometimes, now that I'm back. And fuck, Jou, I can't say that I don't like it. It's tempting. But I know what it is. I'm safe now. Too far away from me to have to deal with the consequences. I don't think that she likes me so much as the idea of me, and..."
It was likely true, and sometimes he thought that maybe Andrea didn't really like him at all - at least, not enough to be willing to look into any sort of future with him. His appeal could have been that he was a transfer student, maybe, or just young and naive and looking for... something. A sense of self? It was possible that she just found him amusing or entertaining.
"Man, that's fucked up."
"Yeah."
The two of them sat in silence for a time, nursing their drinks.
Thinking deeply on his relationship with her wasn't something that Mokuba had done for a long time. There were others after her, better than her, in terms of overall relationship quality. But the wound she carved was always the one that felt fresh. Interacting with her was a constant test in preserving his composure and dignity. There was just so much he loved about her: intellectually, mentally, physically - it had been hard not begging her to try again, whenever he was single.
He imagined that Mai was a similar experience. She seemed to always know what she wanted and had not trouble taking initiative. She was also smart, in multiple contexts, and her physical appeal couldn't be missed by anyone with eyes. To think that she was putting Jou through something similar was nearly devastating to hear. Those had been difficult lessons to learn by trial. Realizing that making choices himself didn't always affect other people was frustrating. Mokuba wouldn't have wished such a harsh way of coming to terms with it on his worst enemy, least of all someone like Jounouchi.
Jou had been nothing but an inspiration to him, the type of person who worked hard and did whatever it took to be able to support himself and his friends. In fact, Mokuba had never known a person to work more than one job before meeting him.
"So, uh, Mokuba." When he tried to meet Jou's eyes the man stared down at his bottle instead. "How do you... deal wit that? Like - wit Yami? Does he know about her, or...?" He sighed. "Shit, I sound like a fuckin' douchebag. I mean, does having someone else make it easier?"
"He doesn't know," Mokuba answered quickly. "And honestly, I don't think he would care. Yami tries to handle everything on his own and expects everyone else to do the same for the most part. Just getting him to talk about what happened between him and Yuugi is like pulling teeth."
"Yeah, I figured. They been through a lot. Yami ain't comf'table in his own skin." Suddenly, Jou sat up straight. "That's why I wanted to talk t'ya. There's some stuff you need t'know. Normally, I'd say it ain't my business, but you ain't just anybody and it ain't like you don't care."
That sounded ominous. Mokuba was all ears.
"Look, Mokuba... I don't know if you been able to tell but Yami can't do a lot right now. And he ain't happy about it." He paused, rubbing his face with both hands. "I ain't got a better way to put it, so Imma just say it and then explain it. You were still in town but--yeah, so..." Jou took a deep breath. "Aw, fuck." He shifted in his seat again. "Yami tried to fuckin' kill himself."
What?
"Now I'm not gonna tell you everythin' I know," Jou continued, "cuz fa one I ain't got all the answers. Two, I think that's somethin'. Yami should talk t'ya about at some point."
That was not what Mokuba expected to hear. He struggled for several moments for words, to form a response or a question but in the end his lips merely quivered and nothing emerged.
Whether or not Jounouchi could tell that he was stumbling, the information kept coming. "I guess that's why Anzu was upset when I said he was fucked up, but I wasn't talkin' about that. I was the first one there after Yuugi found him. I'll just say that he coulda picked a cleaner way t'do it. I took 'em to the hospital. Gave 'em Yuug's ID and told 'em they were twins. Worked well enough. There's no scars left, though. Not a single one. I guess that's the magic, but..."
But Mokuba was still floundering. Yami had tried to - tried to--
"You're telling me that he--!" He couldn't push the rest of the sentence beyond his lips, to repeat what Jounouchi had said.
There was no reason for Jou to lie about something so serious, but imagining that impossible. He knew better than to think Yami capable of it. After what they'd been through... none of that made sense. Yami had fought with his life on the line so many times, had fought to protect people he didn't even know. What situation could compare to that, push him to that edge and force him over when he'd been there so many times already?
"I was much too giving in the last life, and I am much too selfish in this one."
Mokuba's lips struggled to express his thoughts as the memories of those words floated back to him. A few days ago, on that night where Yami had not been himself, Mokuba had known it from the very beginning. The first moment Yami spoke, something in his stomach dropped. But he hadn't pushed hard enough in his questions - just let himself be led into placation. Yami had never been unable to handle himself before, or at least appear that he could.
"I've lived too long, and there is nothing left in living for me."
To know now that he could have been struggling with something much darker... Mokuba had let himself be distracted so easily, and in hindsight it felt like failure. Nothing about that night felt right and he'd let it happen anyway. He wasn't sure what he'd thought at the time, anymore. That Yami was lost in thought?
No. That it was reasonable to feel lost when attached to someone the way that Yami was. There was so little to look forward when options were so limited. Mokuba had empathized with Yami, at the time, had given in for the sake of comfort.
"My name was Atem."
He'd felt the weight of it, as Yami had said it; that there were strings attached to that name; that it was important. But he didn't know why it was. Other than searching for his name all those years ago, Mokuba didn't know its significance. Did it stand for anything?
"...to know a man's name is to have dominion over him. What will you do, now that you have mine?"
Would Jounouchi know? Mokuba shook his head in response to his own thoughts. That was not a conversation he should have with anyone else but Yami. "Shit."
"Yeah," Jou replied. It seemed that the few moments it took for Mokuba to utter that word was enough. They were both recovering. "I've talked with Yami more since then, and I do sorta get it. But I wanted to make sure you knew a lil'. Yami's a fucking stubborn asshole and if you can't tell, he don't really talk to people if they don't ask."
An understatement. And though his mind was still reeling, it was some semblance of more normal topics that offered comfort. Not much, but enough to encourage more talking. Mokuba didn't want to sit in silence. He didn't want to perpetuate indifference. It was a miracle that he managed to stand up while not in a panic. "Oh, I know - he and Yuugi have been having some problems recently." Mokuba fiddled around in his pockets, looking for his phone.
"Like it's hard to notice." And since that wasn't news to Jou, he wasn't sure if there was much point in mentioning much more. Mokuba seemed to know the least out of everyone. "Whatever it is, it's really botherin' Yuugi. He's been crashin' at my place. Not that I mind or nothin'. They'll talk once they got it figgered out. That's what they do. Bein' apart helps 'em keep their shit from being jumbled up, I think."
Mokuba hesitated, still processing everything he'd been told. He wanted to call Yami, to ask if he was okay. They hadn't spoken in quite some time and now he was worried. Yami hadn't asked him for help and Mokuba had a feeling that he never would. "...all that happened before they got together?" He avoided using the actual word - he didn't like the image of Yami that it produced.
"Yeah."
Talking with Jou helped keep his thoughts on track and from wandering. His brain was trying to process too much at once, trying to assess things from the past and present. Should he be concerned now? There was little way for him to know if Yami was upset, if he was in danger of attempting something like that again. Hands gripped his phone tightly and he stared at the screen, ready to scroll through to that familiar name and phone number and call. Would Yami answer, even if everything was fine? Was he overreacting?
Jounouchi watched him carefully, and added, "It's fine. He ain't done nothin' else. And I think checkin' on him all the time would just piss him off."
And maybe that was true. Mokuba put his phone away again. "Then..." They would keep talking until he had his thoughts together. Was it right to insist that he know something like that?
Worse were the implications that Yuugi had been there for that. Suffering through that sort of crisis, and the aftermath of it, was something that Mokuba had to admit he was unprepared for. And would've been, if it happened again. He could only imagine how difficult something like that must have been for them both.
It was better to get those thoughts out here, with Jou, he decided. It'd help him be more reserved when he saw Yami again. He would need to contain himself. One of the fronts on which his mind raced quickly was how to navigate a conversation about that topic. How to express his concern and support without being doting. Yami didn't like being fussed over - but Mokuba couldn't help being worried after hearing information like this. This was a new and quickly revealed deficiency on his part. And if he couldn't handle it, there was no way that he could insist that their relationship should continue.
Yami was, at breakneck speed, becoming infinitely more complicated. Mokuba didn't think he could keep up.
"I wish I knew how things were when they were together," he muttered, and then took a deep breath. "I don't know how to deal with that. I don't know how Yuugi could have dealt with that." Everyone had been shocked to hear about Yuugi and Yami having been together.
Of all things, Jounouchi chuckled. "I dunno. They were all over the place. Like friends I guess. Seemed happy enough until they broke up. Ugh. That was rough. Yuugi was over at my place like every day for a few months." Surprise colored Mokuba's expression and he continued, a sheepish grin on his face. "Yeah, I knew. But they didn't want nobody else to. I kind of walked in on somethin' I wasn't 'sposed to a while back."
So their secret wasn't quite as ironclad as Yami made it out to be. And a part of him was relieved to know that the two of them hadn't just been isolated, following all of this. This was their best friend, and it just seemed right for him to be in the loop about things - even secret things.
Mokuba pressed further. He was already guilty and might as well make the best of it. Even if he hadn't asked for this information, he was benefitting from it. "...do you know anything about Marik? About Marik and Yami, I mean."
Jou raised an eyebrow. "Wow. Didn't think you knew about that."
"Yami was pretty open about it." This was normal. The tightening in his chest, the press of urgency, was finally beginning to subside. Even if it was only a little, it was enough. "They dated, right?"
"Glad he talked to somebody, then. Uhh... hm. I don't know much about it. I guess it seemed fine? Yami is different from Yuugi. Kind of keeps his shit low key whenever he can. I know that Marik and Yami was a thing for like a year or somethin'. Then they weren’t. All I know is he felt like expectations were high, or something. Got into a lot of talks with Yuugi about it, so I found out that way."
None of that was particularly useful, but at least Mokuba could write off relationships as a course of the same depression that led him to hurt himself. It didn't seem like there were any repeats. A part of him - darting off from his myriad thoughts - considered that he might be making things worse. That he might somehow be pushing Yami to those limits he'd reached before.
"I've lived too long, and there is nothing left in living for me." He would never forget those words, now.
"Does Yami have a counselor or something? Someone that he can talk to?" That seemed the next step, to him. Pretending that there weren't any problems wouldn't help at all. Mokuba resisted the urge to shiver. He never wanted to feel that off-kilter emotion when looking at Yami again. And, if he did, he wanted to know what to do.
Jou paused mid-swig at the question, and placed his bottle back on the table. Suddenly those brown eyes seemed cold as they turned on Mokuba. "I'm gonna be an asshole and tell you that you sound like a dick right now. Not everyone has money for that."
Income being a barrier for that sort of care hadn't occurred to Mokuba. He sighed.
"But he had to see a quack before they let him out of the hospital. So at one point, yeah."
Now he felt worse. "Sorry."
"It's cool I guess. Me and Yuug' were gonna work off the cash, but Yami did somethin' with Kaiba - like a tourney or a billboard for one or somethin'. Got enough to cover everything and then some."
For once, something in this conversation rung a bell for Mokuba. "I remember that."
He'd been about fifteen then, still finishing high school. Seto had been 'offering' for either Yami or Yuugi to do some promotion for the newest duel disk model. Both of them had decline for years, saying that they didn't duel anymore and didn't want to be involved on the business side of things. Seto had grumbled about Sugoroku's shop and the fact that they were wasting their potential, but that didn't stop him from asking every once in a while. At some point something had changed Yami's mind, and he accepted. Mokuba hadn't thought much of it at the time - he didn't hang with the gang enough to notice any absences or weirdness. And furthermore, he could understand taking a break from dueling.
What was more perplexing, in hindsight, was his brother's behavior. Though Seto didn't want to admit it he kept tabs on Yuugi and Yami all the time. When confronted about it, he argued that it was important to know what they were doing. They were his only competent rivals and they had a tendency to make terrible decisions. Seto didn't spy on them or anything - merely checked up on them when they made appearances at certain places, or when the Kame Game Shop ran tournaments and they participated as bonus duelists (which wasn't often, but it still happened). Mokuba guessed that Seto feared they would potentially use their star power against him. They could, if they wanted.
So Seto must've known about the hospital visit. KaibaCorp had their hands in most of the major businesses and media in Domino. In all honesty, Mokuba was sure it was the only reason why his transition to PR hadn't been featured heavily in the news before the press conference about KaibaLand. It might have been the reason why Yami going to the hospital - especially under Yuugi's name - wasn't reported, either.
"You don't even know who he is." At the time, when Seto was questioning him about his involvement with Yami, Mokuba had thought it a baseless jab. Maybe it wasn't.
It occurred to Mokuba that he was truly on the fringes of Yuugi’s friend circle. Though they kept in contact up until he left the country, he clearly had been excluded from more sensitive matters. That lack of knowledge stung a little more than it should have.
"Yami ain't really picked up a deck since. Not for nothin' serious," Jou added.
Mokuba rolled his eyes. "Paying off medical bills from a suicide attempt by dueling wouldn't turn me on to the idea either."
He hadn't meant to say it, not the actual word. But now it was there, between them. Its utterance had an effect on both of them. Jounouchi shifted in his chair and looked away. They both took time to finish off their bottles.
That was a last exchange they had for a while. It was late, and the conversation didn't have much recourse for recovery. Mokuba offered dinner, and instead Jounouchi asked if he could whip something up. He would opt to stay the night and that was how he would compensate for it. So the deal with made using as few words as possible, Jou stowed his belongings in the guest room and took to the stove.
It's not like Yami's coming home, anyway.
That silence gave Mokuba room to think. He had a piece of the big picture and he had to use it to his advantage, if there was one to be had. Emotional issues or not, he liked being with Yami. Mokuba never would have known about any of this if Jou hadn't told him. It seemed cruel, therefore, to consider abandoning him because of this past. He didn't want to leave. He didn't want to break things off anyway.
If there was anything he's guessed correctly, it was probably the importance of autonomy. Yami had communicated to him that he often felt trapped. Doomed to be dependent, his path finite and already determined. Mokuba was going to relieve that problem. It wouldn't fix everything, but it would allow Yami a little more freedom. If he was lucky, it would help.
Having the ability to go to school or see a therapist or get a license was important. It was eye opening to meet someone who couldn't. Yami would finally have a shot at an independent future. He would have the opportunity to build toward what he wanted.
Mokuba decided that ready or not, he was going to Yami the following day. They had to talk. In person. Despite being disturbed by what he knew, he had to move forward. Yami needed to know that he was willing to cut the bullshit. Dating was fine, fucking was definitely fine - but Yami needed a real partner with all this shit going on and it didn't make sense to hide that. Mokuba knew that he could be supportive, that he could provide - even if he was lacking experience, he was capable. What wouldn't help was Yami pretending that he could handle everything happening to him.
So many things, in hindsight, made sense. Including Yami being upset the other day. Mokuba hadn't really described Yami's breakdown to Yuugi - but what if Yami thought he had? There were too many factors and what-ifs to consider. He needed to know how Yami felt. Mokuba couldn't put it off any longer. The situation between them had stagnated.
Whatever issue so happened to be eating away at Yami, it was going to pull the man apart if he didn't deal with it and get on with his life. As Yuugi had said, Yami needed to make a choice. It occurred to Mokuba, as he and Jounouchi ate in silence, how badly he desire to be picked.