i'm busy =?= i don't like you

[sandhawke]

Awkward situation. A parent of a kid who knows one of my kids emailed me to arrange a playdate. But my kid doesn't actually like this other kid. The initial email was constrained to a time we were busy, so it was easy to just say that. But then the reply was, "okay, how about one of the next few weekends

Comments

Depends

[sweetmmeblue]

It really does depend upon the age. The older, the more it is the kids' issue to work out and make a decision.

[sandhawke]

So, forgetting that last bit, what does one respond to the parent who asked? "Have your kids ask my kid directly?"

[sweetmmeblue]

If the parent asks I say "I'll check with the kid on their plan and get back to you." If the kid says ok but discuss with the kid how to let the friend know that you aren't interested if that's their decision.

[sandhawke]

I think she'd rather have a kid she doesn't like come over to her house than have to endure the social awkwardness of saying no.

[miss_chance]

The fact that some people will spend time with someone they don't want to spend time with rather than say No Thanks to an invitation fills me with my own insecurities, since I'm prone to be the one reaching out to people and inviting them to get together. Because of this fear I try very hard to build in an escape clause for the invitee, such as "If you're not generally available for lunches, I totally understand!" but I still worry.

As for why not an answer (before now): 1) this just now showed up on my feed (even though it's dated five hours ago); 2) I look at LJ irregularly, sometimes a few times in a day and sometimes only every couple/few days, and 3) this doesn't really happen to me... which raises other questions.

[miss_chance]

I think you're describing a one-on-one situation or invitation. But it brings to mind general questions of invitations. I have a loose policy on invitations I send out. If I don't get an rsvp, and the person doesn't show up, I tend to remove that person from my invitation list. I figure:
rsvp+ and show is good,
rsvp- and show anyway is also good--I take it as 'I didn't think I could make it, but my schedule freed up say yay!'

rsvp+ and no-show is still okay--I take it as 'I wanted to come, but couldn't (which can include 'by the time the invitation date rolled around I had all the social I could take for the month')

rsvp- and no-show is fine.

no rsvp and show anyway, also still okay. still indicates interest in getting together.

but no rsvp and no-show to me says "I have no interest in having received this invitation and can't bring myself to say as much." I don't necessarily drop that person immediately, but they slide further and further down the mental list, because of my interpretation of this as their disinterest.

[aroraborealis]

I feel very very strongly that I shouldn't spend time with people I don't want to spend time with UNLESS there's some greater reason that I should suck it up and deal (family is the primary one I can come up with here, but even so, there are some members of my family that don't fall into this category). And I CERTAINLY wouldn't want someone who doesn't like me to spend time with me out of obligation

[drwex]

I mostly agree with Pygment (I'm sure you're surprised). It's kind of a learning experience and you can help them sort through possible responses and come to something they're comfortable with.

With respect to adults, I personally would much rather be told the truth. I recently had that reinforced for me as someone accidentally left me on the CC list of an email with... poor wording choices. Much as I would have preferred a more politely worded response at least I now know clearly how the sender feels.

[sandhawke]

(hmmmm. still thinking about the kid side of this.)

On the adult side, what's the polite way to say "I'm not really into spending time alone with you, thanks." The magic words on okcupid are "good luck with your search"; is there a real-life/non-dating phrase that conveys the same thing? (assuming it's not "I'm so busy these days", which I still suspect is what a lot of people use).

[drwex]

No, I don't think there is such a magic phrase, except "No, thank you". Miss Manners says that a no thank you never requires an additional explanation. You are permitted to decline - in a polite way - without having to justify yourself or explain your boundaries. There are occasions when you might want to, but you are never obliged to.