(no subject)
So hey. Happy 2011, several thousand minutes late. And Happy Christmas/Yule/Hanukkah/generic wintertime celebratory holiday thing, while I’m at it.
When did I start failing so hard at blogging? Oh, right, when I faceplanted into a major depressive episode and decided that I had to keep all of my problems to myself, rather than being constructive and talking about them with my friends. That’s what happened. Because no-one reading this has ever been anxious or depressed and written about it on the internet, right? And everyone’s going to judge me super hard for being down. Totally. I see that happening, don’t you?
*headdesk*
Anyway, I am going to start letting myself talk about things on here again, even if all I have to talk about is how unhappy I am. Generally that isn’t the only thing I want to say - even depressed!me has good times, and fun days, and happy/weird/ridic things to report to the internets - but the fear of boring people with my problems has stopped me reaching out to any of my support networks for help, and that is unhelpful on a grand scale.
I did a massively scary and embarrassing thing last week, wherein I went to see my GP with the express purpose of requesting to be referred to a therapist. I’ve never succeeded in pursuing any sort of treatment for mental health before (because in my head, I should be able to take care of all of this crap on my own; why I’m applying this stupid, impossible standard to my own issues when I wouldn’t DREAM of thinking that about anyone else, I can’t begin to fathom), and even though I’m now stalled out, waiting for someone to contact me to get things started, I feel like I’ve reached a milestone. The problem, of course, is that the thing that makes me MOST ANXIOUS in the WORLD is asking people for help with anything, so I was a complete weepy wreck all over my brand new doctor’s office. He had to bust out a new box of tissues for me. So, so embarrassing.
But that’s the utterly petrifying first step taken now, and no-one told me to suck it up and stop whining because other people have REAL problems (except me, to myself, all the time, and are we seeing why this therapy thing is a good plan?) or any of the other things I was scared of. Now I can take more little baby steps, one at a time, and maybe get on with not being so bloody miserable all the time. It’s a goal.
OH HEY, speaking of goals and scary things... I’ve found a Masters programme I want to do. I have, in fact, found the sort of Masters programme I’ve been waiting to find. It’s a kind of choose-your-own-adventure programme with elements of contemporary musical analysis, performance, composition, and work in a modern studio, with options for film scoring and musicology and popular music studies and I want to already be doing it right now now now now, so freaking badly I can feel it in my fingernails. Of course, it’s not going to be quite so easy - for a start, I’m not eligible for home student fees over here yet, and I don’t have a spare £10k lying around right now. Also the application requests that you submit a portfolio of recent works in composition or production, either scores or CD/DVD, and... well. My undergrad music degree is just in performance, so I’ve done mandatory theory composition projects but nothing more major (or minor, tee hee music puns) than that, and also I’m a big fat coward who doesn’t actually compose or produce music in my spare time even when I want to because if I don’t actually TRY, I can’t discover that I’m a failure (oh hey issues, what’s up?).
Plan for now is to speak to the course advisor and talk about my options, whether it would be best for me to take some other vocational-style studio tech course in the meantime to gain some access to the facilities I’d need to MAKE some kind of demo, or if I have the option of waving part of the portfolio pre-req. I don’t even know. It’s worth having the conversation, right? The worst they can do is laugh in my face, and then I’ll go become an itinerant bassoonist and hitchhike all over the world, busking for a living.
... actually, that sounds kind of fun too.
In fannish news, I have just finished catching up with all of season 2 of Glee that’s aired so far, and am now watching the whole middle bit of season 1 (which I appear to have skipped wholesale the first time around). I may be alienating some of you by admitting this, but I enjoy the hell out of Glee. It’s shockingly inconsistent in terms of writing - I think Quinn has been a different character in almost every episode so far - and completely fluffy and ridiculous and autotuned and campy, but even when it soesn't succeed at imparting its ~special message~ for the week, I still appreciate that it is at least TRYING. You know? Also I am so charmed by Chris Colfer and all he chooses to be, I can’t even stand it. His little FACE. And don’t even get me started on Blaine ‘Harry Potter’ Gay McLove Interest, I will just kind of squeak and flail at you. They made me actually enjoy listening to a cover of Baby It’s Cold Outside, the creepy date-rape anthem of Christmas and my least favourite song of all time, which is something I didn’t even think was possible.
Also, I am still reading all of the Inception fic. Allllllll of it. I don’t even care anymore, there are some fantastic goddamn fictions out there (if you can stand the thought of Arthur/Eames, which I know not all of you can. *smishes tricksterquinn*). My biggest rec (better late than never) has to go to toomuchplor for writing the Steinway!verse, aka classical musician AU of my very heart and soul: Eames is a lyric baritone, Arthur is a pianist, and their love is so lieder you guys oh my gosh. Go read it nownownow (unless Inceptionfic makes your eyes bleed, in which case... don’t).
And that's that for now, I think. I love you guys, did you know? Because I do. ♥
When did I start failing so hard at blogging? Oh, right, when I faceplanted into a major depressive episode and decided that I had to keep all of my problems to myself, rather than being constructive and talking about them with my friends. That’s what happened. Because no-one reading this has ever been anxious or depressed and written about it on the internet, right? And everyone’s going to judge me super hard for being down. Totally. I see that happening, don’t you?
*headdesk*
Anyway, I am going to start letting myself talk about things on here again, even if all I have to talk about is how unhappy I am. Generally that isn’t the only thing I want to say - even depressed!me has good times, and fun days, and happy/weird/ridic things to report to the internets - but the fear of boring people with my problems has stopped me reaching out to any of my support networks for help, and that is unhelpful on a grand scale.
I did a massively scary and embarrassing thing last week, wherein I went to see my GP with the express purpose of requesting to be referred to a therapist. I’ve never succeeded in pursuing any sort of treatment for mental health before (because in my head, I should be able to take care of all of this crap on my own; why I’m applying this stupid, impossible standard to my own issues when I wouldn’t DREAM of thinking that about anyone else, I can’t begin to fathom), and even though I’m now stalled out, waiting for someone to contact me to get things started, I feel like I’ve reached a milestone. The problem, of course, is that the thing that makes me MOST ANXIOUS in the WORLD is asking people for help with anything, so I was a complete weepy wreck all over my brand new doctor’s office. He had to bust out a new box of tissues for me. So, so embarrassing.
But that’s the utterly petrifying first step taken now, and no-one told me to suck it up and stop whining because other people have REAL problems (except me, to myself, all the time, and are we seeing why this therapy thing is a good plan?) or any of the other things I was scared of. Now I can take more little baby steps, one at a time, and maybe get on with not being so bloody miserable all the time. It’s a goal.
OH HEY, speaking of goals and scary things... I’ve found a Masters programme I want to do. I have, in fact, found the sort of Masters programme I’ve been waiting to find. It’s a kind of choose-your-own-adventure programme with elements of contemporary musical analysis, performance, composition, and work in a modern studio, with options for film scoring and musicology and popular music studies and I want to already be doing it right now now now now, so freaking badly I can feel it in my fingernails. Of course, it’s not going to be quite so easy - for a start, I’m not eligible for home student fees over here yet, and I don’t have a spare £10k lying around right now. Also the application requests that you submit a portfolio of recent works in composition or production, either scores or CD/DVD, and... well. My undergrad music degree is just in performance, so I’ve done mandatory theory composition projects but nothing more major (or minor, tee hee music puns) than that, and also I’m a big fat coward who doesn’t actually compose or produce music in my spare time even when I want to because if I don’t actually TRY, I can’t discover that I’m a failure (oh hey issues, what’s up?).
Plan for now is to speak to the course advisor and talk about my options, whether it would be best for me to take some other vocational-style studio tech course in the meantime to gain some access to the facilities I’d need to MAKE some kind of demo, or if I have the option of waving part of the portfolio pre-req. I don’t even know. It’s worth having the conversation, right? The worst they can do is laugh in my face, and then I’ll go become an itinerant bassoonist and hitchhike all over the world, busking for a living.
... actually, that sounds kind of fun too.
In fannish news, I have just finished catching up with all of season 2 of Glee that’s aired so far, and am now watching the whole middle bit of season 1 (which I appear to have skipped wholesale the first time around). I may be alienating some of you by admitting this, but I enjoy the hell out of Glee. It’s shockingly inconsistent in terms of writing - I think Quinn has been a different character in almost every episode so far - and completely fluffy and ridiculous and autotuned and campy, but even when it soesn't succeed at imparting its ~special message~ for the week, I still appreciate that it is at least TRYING. You know? Also I am so charmed by Chris Colfer and all he chooses to be, I can’t even stand it. His little FACE. And don’t even get me started on Blaine ‘Harry Potter’ Gay McLove Interest, I will just kind of squeak and flail at you. They made me actually enjoy listening to a cover of Baby It’s Cold Outside, the creepy date-rape anthem of Christmas and my least favourite song of all time, which is something I didn’t even think was possible.
Also, I am still reading all of the Inception fic. Allllllll of it. I don’t even care anymore, there are some fantastic goddamn fictions out there (if you can stand the thought of Arthur/Eames, which I know not all of you can. *smishes tricksterquinn*). My biggest rec (better late than never) has to go to toomuchplor for writing the Steinway!verse, aka classical musician AU of my very heart and soul: Eames is a lyric baritone, Arthur is a pianist, and their love is so lieder you guys oh my gosh. Go read it nownownow (unless Inceptionfic makes your eyes bleed, in which case... don’t).
And that's that for now, I think. I love you guys, did you know? Because I do. ♥