Beholder, Ch. 12, NC-17, RPS, AU, Jensen/Jared

[sandymg]

Jared was amazed at the change in Jensen in the past week. He wore his hood up outside, and given the frigid weather Jared couldn’t disagree with this. But indoors it was always down. He came to the shelter with Jared every day and worked with the animals. Alison had stumbled upon him cleaning the cages and Jensen hadn’t even blinked at the appreciative perusal she’d given him. Jared had noticed though and tempered down a flash of jealousy. The sensation, he’s mine swished through his veins like a flaming arrow.

Alison hadn’t said anything, just took Butch and Sundance for their walk.

The second he heard the door shut behind her, Jared pulled Jensen to him. Surprise shone in Jensen’s eyes. “Jay?” he questioned, before Jared brought his lips down in a crushing kiss.

It hit Jared then as his lips smashed insistently against Jensen’s. Even as the other man parted them to let Jared in, even as Jen’s arms claimed him back and he knew how very mutual their attraction was … He knew that once Jen became Jensen Ackles, Jared and his little life in this shelter could never compete.

He was going to lose Jensen.

People noticed Jensen. Beauty like his could never be hidden. And the entire world would want him. He leaned in and buried himself in the crux of Jensen’s neck, knowing that his jealousy was irrational, that they hadn’t even proven Jensen’s identity yet and here he was acting like a lovesick moron. But he couldn’t stop his heart from pounding in anticipation of the loss he knew was coming.

Jensen caressed his hair. “What is wrong?”

Jared forced himself together. Ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep, calming breath. Liquid eyes met his with worry. “Nothing. It’s silly. Ridiculous.”

“Jay … You hurt. I hurt.”

“No … I’m not. I mean, it makes no sense. It’s so good … the way you’ve stopped hiding. I’m happy about it. I am.”

Jensen narrowed his eyes in question.

Jared told himself to shut up. There was no sound way of explaining this. His mouth didn’t listen to his mind and kept talking. “I guess I just got used to being the only one. The only one that got to see how … beautiful you are. God, that’s selfish. I’m sorry.”

Jensen cupped his cheek, drawing his face back to him. “It is you, Jared. You make them see not Beast.”

Jared swallowed hard and drew down for another kiss. A myriad of emotions swirled through him and he was too afraid to even think about saying another word. He poured it all into the kiss, feasting on the passion and strength and intensity that was Jensen. The bell over the front door made them pull apart reluctantly. “No,” Jared said on a last quick lick. “It’s just you. I won’t even exist when you enter a room.”

He disappeared to take care of their next client before Jensen could begin to protest.



Waiting was the worst part. Jensen, as was his way, had endless patience. Jared felt like he was facing a ticking time bomb. It would go off. And nothing would be the same.

Misha sensed his nervousness and questioned him when Jensen was out walking their newest charges.

“I thought this was what you wanted? You gave him back his life, man. That’s … hell … he’s not just anyone … he’s like one of the richest men in the country.” Misha flicked a pen idly against the desk. “If he’d be willing to sponsor the shelter … “

Jared stared at Misha incredulously. Not once had this crossed Jared’s mind. Ackles money could keep the shelter running in perpetuity. Now, spoken aloud, it was front and center. They could expand. Save so many more animals.

Jared shook his head. “Misha. This isn’t … We can’t think like that.”

“Why not? Jensen loves the animals like you do. Only thing he loves more is … he’d want to do this. I’m not saying he owes you. You know I don’t think of it that way and I know for sure you don’t. But it is what it is. He’s loaded. We barely get by. You do the math.”

“What if after … when he’s back to his old life he forgets about all this? I mean, why’d he want to remember being homeless and desperate? Why’d he want to remember … “ Me?

“Now that’s the first time I’ve heard you underestimate Jensen.”

Jared felt the chastise and colored slightly. Misha walked behind the front counter and gently squeezed Jared’s bicep. “Jay, you’re afraid of losing him?”

“No. Yes. I … don’t know. It’s not like I ever had him.”

“You both … care about each other,” Misha said cautiously.

Jared nodded vaguely. He knew how he felt but Jensen … Jensen was lonely and vulnerable and starved for human contact. Jared wanted to believe it was more than this. But until Jensen came to grips with himself how could Jared expect Jensen to understand his feelings toward anyone else?

“I just want him to be happy,” he answered Misha finally. It was true even if it wasn’t totally honest.



Since the snowstorm Jensen had been spending nights in Jared’s spare bedroom. It took three days to get him to sleep on the futon instead of on the floor next to it. Intimacy between them continued although at a more restrained pace. Jared forced his libido in check. He was proud of his self-control. Jensen seemed satisfied with sofa snuggling while Jared introduced Jensen to the movies he’d missed over the past ten years. He also popped in older films to see if they helped trigger Jensen’s memory. They were working through the original Star Wars trilogy now. Jensen really liked those, but didn’t indicate he remembered them from before. Jensen’s eyes were saucers as the battles whizzed by on Jared’s medium-sized new flat-screen. Would take a while to get that one off his credit card bill, but it was worth it for Jensen’s excitement.
“Save the princess,” Jensen uttered as the intrepid heroes approached the holding cells.

Jared drew his arm around Jensen’s shoulders and pulled him in for a quick squeeze. “That’s the plan.”

On the screen, the walls of the garbage chute contracted inward, threatening to crush Han, Leia and Luke. Jensen sat straighter, edging to the front of the deep sofa. He squeezed Jared’s thigh and Jared couldn’t stop the smile that took over his face. “Could you get more adorable?”

Jensen frowned at him briefly but quickly returned his attention to the screen. A few heart pounding moments later Jensen exhaled. “The little trashcan save them.”

Jared turned toward Jensen and caught the other man’s excited gleam and leaned in to taste his smile. Jensen fell into him in a bone-melting slide. It started like a starburst, like a leap into hyperspace, but something shifted as Jensen drew his hands up to tickle the hairs at Jared’s nape. They slowed and teased and sucked in each other’s breaths. Jared sensed a small hitch to Jensen’s chest. “What?” he murmured as his tongue traced the folds of Jensen’s ear.

“Thank you,” Jensen answered pulling away slowly, eyes drawn back to the screen where Obi Wan was just about to face Darth Vader for the last time.

Jared peered down at him puzzled. “For what? The movie?”

Jensen didn’t answer right away, caught up in the sword play. Jared was surprised when Jensen spoke again.

“You are hero. Like them.”

Jared snorted. “Nah. I like to think I’m a scoundrel like Han Solo.”

Jensen’s eyes met his again, twinkling impossibly green in the flashes of the light sabers. “More like Chewbacca.”

Jared’s laugh burst like a foghorn. “Oh. It is so on.” He proceeded to tackle Jensen down on the sofa and started reaching for those spots he knew made the other man writhe. He’d discovered Jen’s ticklish spots during an earlier make-out session. Hadn’t lasted long that time. Just long enough for Jared to register them. Now, though, he was not quitting until Jensen called ‘uncle’.

Jensen’s uncontrolled giggles smothered the sounds coming from the television and rang like music in Jared’s ears. It was pure and childlike and so magical Jared thought he could actually see the laughter and not just hear it. Jensen’s face flushed a warm pink and his breath burst out in joyful little puffs and it was just so good and free that he wanted to always be able to make this happen. Make Jensen happy. Leaning back to catch his own breath Jared realized something else. Jensen wasn’t the only one that was happy.

“Hey,” Jared said, making sure Jensen was looking at him again. “Thank you back.”

Jensen held his gaze a lingering moment before ducking down shyly and tilting his head down against Jared’s shoulder to resume watching the movie.



Jeff invited them to dinner again. Jensen was a bit apprehensive. He’d never totally gotten comfortable around the policeman. But he’d taken an instant liking to Joel. They communicated on this fantastical plane. Joel continued to talk about the colors floating around Jensen. Jared would meet Jeff’s eyes at those times and smile and pretend to indulge the fancy as any rational person would and Jared absolutely would never mention those early mornings when Jensen would emerge from his bedroom all sleep warm and mussed and … yeah, he kinda glowed. But that was just because Jared was also sleepy.

They hadn’t been at Jeff’s long. Jared sensed Jensen’s disappointment that Joel wasn’t there. Jeff said he’d be back, that he’d run out for some wine. Jensen had looked worryingly at Jared upon hearing this. He’d finally gotten Jensen to drink a beer when they unwound after work. But Jensen had seen the awful results of alcohol during his time on the streets and was very wary around any kind of drinking. Jared leaned in and whispered. “I’m sure it’ll just be a glass with dinner. It’ll be fine. You don’t have to have any if you don’t want to. You never have to do anything you don’t want.”

Jensen threw him a grateful look.

The phone rang and Jeff took one look at the ID and smiled. He clicked the speaker on which caused Jared’s brows to rise but he quickly realized that Jeff was speaking to Jensen’s attorney.

“Jimbo. Hey, man, how’s it going?”

“Good. How ‘bout you? Keeping that brother of yours outta trouble?”

Jeff had told Jared that Jim and Joel and Seth had been in the same graduating class in high school. That’s where they all knew each other from. Jim had been a really good friend to Jeff during the years his brother went missing. And from the little Jared had understood, he’d helped keep Seth together as well.

“He’s doing well. Really well. New meds are finding that balance. Thanks for showing us that journal report.”

“He get with Seth, yet?”

Jeff fidgeted. “No. I told you it’s not like that this-“

Laughter came through the speaker. “It’s always like that. Those two haven’t been able to keep their hands - and other parts - off each other since the time I caught them trading bl-“

Jeff flushed and picked up the handset quickly. “Hey, you were on speaker, man … Yeah … Jensen’s here … Looks, um, good … Yeah, I guess … hold on, I’m gonna put you back on speaker so Jared and Jensen can hear, too.” He flicked the speaker phone back on. “Okay we’re all here.”

“Jensen. Jim Beaver. Sorry we haven’t had the chance to meet in person yet, son. Tell Jeff to bring you to the office this week. We should get the results of your DNA test back next week. And that’s when all this is gonna get interesting. I heard from Ackles, Inc. Spoke to the head honchess herself, your probable cousin, Samantha Ferris. Name ring any bells?”

Jensen drew away from the phone and Jared instantly reached for his hand. “You remember her, Jen?”
Jensen shook his head no. “He said he doesn’t,” Jared answered for Jensen.

“That Jared?”

“Yes, sir.”

A chuckle. “Sir was my father. Call me Jim. Jeff tells me you found Ackles.”

Jared hesitated. They’d found each other. “Sort of. I guess. He … stumbled into my shelter.”

“Well that was a multi-billion dollar break.” Another deep laugh. “There was a reward in place, you know, back when the boy first went missing. I think we can make a strong case for you to collect it now.“

Jensen yanked his hand away and turned his back to Jared. Jared’s blood ran cold. “No. I don’t … that’s not … “ He thought about his shelter. God. So many hours of his day spent trying to raise money so they could go on another year. Fuck.

Jeff sensed Jared’s discomfort. “Jim. Let’s not jump ahead of ourselves. Haven’t proven Ackles’ identity yet. And it’s been a while so who knows what’s still on the table. Let’s save it for later, okay?”

“Sure. Just want to make sure Jared gets what’s due him, is all.”

Jared blanched further. He looked toward Jensen who stood with his back facing them all. “Jen?”

Jensen turned around slowly but his eyes would not meet Jared’s and Jared felt something inside himself break. He approached Jensen urgently, ignoring that Jim was still on the phone with them, that Jeff was in the room staring.

“Jensen, please.” Jensen finally looked up, his eyes remaining sheltered. “I’m not gonna lie. I thought about the shelter. How we’re always looking for funds … seems like we’re always three months away from having to shut our door but … fuck … Jen. You. It’s not about that. You know it was never about that. Don’t you?”

Jensen’s eyes softened. “Know Jared is good.”

The door opened and Joel burst in. Only he wasn’t alone. Jared turned to the newcomers, the moment between himself and Jensen hanging. Jared didn’t feel like he was good. Jared felt like he was selling away something precious.

“Oh wow,“ the stranger with Joel gasped. “He really is stunning.”

And Jared saw red.



Turned out Jim’s prediction about Joel and his ex wasn’t too far off, given that here he was. Seth was shorter than either Jeff or Joel (or Jared, but no surprise there). He was a couple inches shorter than Jensen. Had a fey softness. Longish, white blonde hair, obnoxiously golden skin and sky blue eyes. Definitely not Jared’s type. Not that Jared had exactly identified a type before when it came to men. But, no. Not that.

The interruption led to an impromptu phone reunion between the old high school friends and Jared pulled back, feeling out of place. Jensen didn’t speak and only nodded when introduced. Jared tried to curb his inner caveman as Seth continued to check Jensen out with blatant appreciation. What the hell was that? He’d thought Seth and Joel had this forever love affair going on. So what was with the ogling of Jared’s b--? He caught himself. His what? The fact that the word ‘boyfriend’ was even in his head showed him the extent of his delusions.

Jared tucked himself deeper into the corner cushions of the couch and fought down the urge to glare. Maybe he needed to borrow some of Joel’s antipsychotic medication. Jeff stepped away from the ongoing phone call and sat next to Jared. “You okay?”

Jared turned and met warm brown eyes. “Just want this over with.”

“Chicken’s in the oven. Will be ready in a few minutes.”

“What? No. I didn’t mean-“

Jeff chuckled. “I know. I’m just messing with you, kid. You want Jensen to get his life back.”

Yeah. And walk right out of Jared’s life. “I just … want him to be okay with all of it. It’s a lot for anyone to take in. And Jensen’s … special.” He glanced over to where Jensen was standing, studying some framed artwork on the wall. Jared’s eyes drifted back to Seth and again caught the other man staring hard at Jensen’s back. He couldn’t help the instinctive tensing of his muscles. Jeff followed his gaze back and forth.

“Down, tiger. It’s not what you think.” Jared started immediately denying being bothered but Jeff saw through him and smirked. “Yeah, he’s checking him out. Hell, I’m not gay and I checked him out. But really, with Seth, it’s not only that. He’s an artist. I’m thinking he’s itching to draw Jensen. Always was attracted to beauty. You probably didn’t notice but he’s looked at you just about as much.”

Jared blushed and avoided Jeff’s eyes. His attention returned to Jensen. “The art on your wall … is that Seth’s?”

“Yep. ‘S good. Makes a decent living off it. Has regular gallery showings.”

Jared stood and approached Jensen slowly from behind. Jensen was staring at a drawing of a garden. He didn’t know much about art but if he had to guess it was pastels of some sort. Very soft and ethereal. Jared bent and looked closer and discovered little fairies and sprites littering the garden setting. He stood entranced. The picture just glowed.

Jensen turned his head up to him. “Jay. I know this.”

“What?”

“Familiar.”

“You recognize that garden?”

“No. Not like that. I … remember …” Eyes gleaming Jensen walked to where Seth was sitting with a sketch pad, pencil poised, eyes locked on Jensen. Jared hadn’t noticed it before. Jensen stared at the pad until Seth handed it over along with the pencil. Jensen studied the pencil in his fingers a long minute and then started drawing.

The room got eerily quiet. Jared hadn’t noticed when they’d ended the phone call with the attorney. Transfixed, Jared made his way slowly over to where Jensen stood drawing with deliberation. Seth and Joel had stepped back. Jared leaned gently over Jensen’s shoulder. “Whatcha drawing, Jen?”

The image already had shape, although still raw. There were turrets, just starting to gain definition. Jared watched the pencil move as languidly as a lover’s touch over the page, shading in the paneling of an ornate double door. The castle’s shape continued to take form. Ivy draped over the bricks, windows with intricate stain glass inserts, balustrades and curved balconies and arrowslits dotting the outer walls. Jensen started on a moat and penciled in soft surrounding hills. His movements smooth and precise. Tongue peeking out slightly as he maintained total focus.

Jared sucked in air, afraid to let it out for fear of breaking Jensen’s trance. Observing him was like watching a miracle unfold. Jared’s eyes filled and his chest contracted and dammit would there ever be a time when Jensen didn’t affect him this way?

Seth approached when he noticed Jensen stop and look down at what he’d drawn as if surprised the page was suddenly no longer blank. He took the pad back from Jensen’s grip. “You’re an artist,” he declared with a blinding smile. His voice softened to a near whisper but Jared was close enough to hear. “This is beautiful.”

Jensen shuddered as if hit by an invisible wave. “NO!” he shouted. He struck out with the pencil and slashed across the image still in Seth’s hand. “No … not beautiful. No beauty. Cannot have. Never again. Ugly. All ugly. Inside. Outside.” Several more swipes of the pencil hit the drawing, one also slicing into Seth’s forearm before Jared lost his paralysis and went to grab Jensen’s wrist. Seth jumped back gasping. His blue eyes glazed in fear.

Joel leapt forward, immediately pushing Seth behind him. “Beast,” he yelled. “Back. Now!”

Jensen crouched and growled low, his features shimmering through the remnants of tears in Jared’s eyes until Jared didn’t know what he was seeing. Jensen’s countenance flickered between madness and perfection until Jared willed himself to blink it away. To see truth. No matter what form it took.

Hood up, the Beast raced for the door.

Jared stood rooted, knowing he had to move. To stop him. Reach Jensen. “No,” he managed to get out as the door slammed behind him. “Jen … “

“Let him go.” Jeff touched his shoulder.

Joel came closer and also tried to steady him. “The Beast has him. But he’ll be back.”

Jared let himself meet the Joel’s eyes. He looked so lucid. More so than Jared felt.

Jared shuddered and met Jeff’s eyes instead. Oh god. Maybe Jensen really was insane.



Dinner was a quick and tense affair. Jared sat shell-shocked, mind reeling. Jensen was an artist. The bits of the sketch he’d seen before Jensen had destroyed it was amazing. But then, in a snap, he was something else. Wild and irrational. Jared had certainly seen glimpses of the Beast before. But not. Never quite like that. It was like the curse was made true for that brief instance.

Joel and Seth had gone out for coffee. Jeff hadn’t looked exactly pleased at this. Jared watched the tense stares between Jeff and his brother’s ex-lover. As soon as Joel disappeared to get their coats Jeff had pounced, voice a harsh whisper. “Seth … What the hell, dude, I thought you said you understood?!”

“It’s just coffee.”

But even Jared could see the lie in the other man’s eyes and he’d just met him.

“Dammit. Jim fucking warned me. Didn’t even want me to tell you Joel was back.”

Seth got in Jeff’s face. “How could you even think that? Keep me thinking he was out there alone … begging for food and hiding from the monsters? I know you don’t believe. Never did. But they are real. He sees them. That makes it real.”

Joel reappeared, staring from his brother to Seth with undisguised concern. “Everything okay?”

Jeff pulled back quick, swallowing whatever he was going to say next. “Yeah. Sure. Everything’s fine.” He swiped his beard. “If I’m not here when you get back then I’ll be running Jared home.” He paused and looked hard at Joel. “You are coming back, right?”

Seth answered. “Yes. We won’t be out late.” After a moment’s hesitation Seth closed the gap between himself and Jeff and gave him a hard hug. He tilted his head up and said something to Jeff that Jared couldn’t make out.

Jeff returned the hug and mumbled, “I know” as the two left the apartment.

Jeff tossed Jared a beer and the two settled on the sofa. Jared took a long swallow and tried to steady his bouncing leg.

“Jared, c’mon, man, you gotta chill. I told you before this is how it is. Jensen’ll run. He’ll be back. It’s how it goes. But he wants to get to the truth now. I can tell. You’ve done … he’s come a long way. I’m positive he’ll be back.”



Samantha returned the paper to the top of the single folder on her gleaming, immaculate desk. Well. So it was true. She let herself feel good about this for a moment. Thought back to the little yellow-haired boy with eyes so large they dominated his face. Her memories of Jensen consisted of small bites. She’d been a guest at the boy’s first birthday party. A small, intimate affair for two hundred. She remembered him only vaguely, crying as everyone sung Happy Birthday. His parents had cooed and eventually someone had come and taken him away while Alan and Donna had explained with a smile that the excitement must have been too much. Sam had been twelve and bored and mostly just wanted a piece of the damn cake already.

The next time she’d seen Jensen had been several years later when she’d been over at the Ackles’ ranch with her parents, and was flirting with the young man who helped take care of the horses when the little runt had bounced in chasing some other boy. The boy being chased was Hispanic, probably the son of the one of ranch workers. Jensen had kicked up mud and stopped short, looking up at her shyly. That’s when she first really noticed those huge green eyes framed by ridiculous bowl-shaped hair. It was impossible not to be charmed. She’d dropped down and introduced herself as his cousin and he’d smiled brightly at her and said he didn’t know he had a cousin. The other boy said something about being right that everyone had family and Samantha had felt a bit odd when the man she’d been flirted with treated her with distant politeness when she tried to resume talking with him.

Young Jensen had looked down at his scuffed sneakers “If we are family, you’ll come back, right? You’ll visit?”

Sam had been caught off guard. It’s not like she could just drop in. She knew she could ask her father but the old man was intimidated by the Ackles. He’d never solicit an invite. But maybe if her dad kept doing well for Ackles on the job, they’d get invited back. She’d looked down at Jensen and said yes. The little boy’s returning smile lit up the small space.

But she hadn’t laid eyes on him again until his parents’ funeral. He stood alone in a sea of people and she’d felt a deep pang of something so she approached, determined to prove to the young man that he did, indeed, have family. His once-too-large eyes were hidden behind large aviator sunglasses and she wondered if he’d ever grown into their size. She tried to say something, hello, she was sorry, did he remember her? But Jensen never even looked at her. With a curt nod of his head she felt herself dismissed as if she’d been the hired help.

She’d never seen him in person again.

But she’d certainly heard enough about him. He moved into the Los Angeles estate and immediately started partying and playing the male Paris Hilton and dragging the respected Ackles name down into the muck with his debouchments. At first it was girls. A veritable parade. Then she heard about boys. Not that she cared where he stuck his dick, but really she would have preferred he at least made up his damn mind. There’d been the incident with the daughter of the movie star. Next, a son of another movie star. Rumors about threesomes and underage drinking and drugs.

The disappearance had surprised her. She would have expected a run-in with the law. Maybe a DUI. An overdose perhaps. The call simply said that he’d left on his motorcycle following a party at the estate. They’d found the motorcycle not far from the house on the side of the road. There was evidence of an accident. Blood was found at the scene that matched Jensen’s. But Jensen was gone.

Putting her reading glasses back on Samantha dug through the familiar file. One witness thought he saw Jensen get into the cab of a truck but wasn’t certain. All he remembered was a truck, that might have been blue or black or maybe gray. Two other witnesses saw only the empty motorcycle and no other people. The man who claimed he saw Jensen accept the ride had a bit to drink himself that night. In any event, the lead led nowhere because nobody reported seeing Jensen or the mysterious multi-colored truck again.

And now, inexplicably, Jensen Ackles was back.

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