Time of Your Life, Ch 6, NC-17, RPS, AU, Jensen/Jared

[sandymg]

The wind blew Jay’s hair away from his face. He sat contentedly next to Jensen, window partially open despite the lingering February chill. Jensen thought about the date. His birthday was coming up. Less than a week. Thirty years old.

Career-wise he felt he had a lot to show for his years. He glanced to Jay again. Had he become a doctor? It was what he talked about. Helping people. Healing.

Jay did the mind-reading trick. “So, I’m a doctor now, eh?”

“Maybe. Looks like.”

“ ‘S what I always wanted. Jeff would let me look at his notes and his books. I thought maybe we’d practice together one day, you know?”

Jensen hadn’t been able to find anything on Jeffrey Padalecki. Although not having a Facebook account hardly meant anything. Jensen was a late comer to that party as well. He only had his account for a couple of years. Maybe Jeff joined his family in England after medical school. He could have gotten qualified there and perhaps he lived near Megan. They were always a close family. Except, that didn’t explain why Jared was back in Texas.

He hadn’t had a chance to look up their father Gerald. Not that he expected to find him on a social networking site. But he was aware peripherally from back then that Gerald remained in Texas. He didn’t know where. Jensen didn’t know much about Jared’s dad. Later, when Jensen would go home to visit, his mother would say things that shed new light into what happened between Gerald and Sheri. Donna implied that Gerald had been abusive. Not physically. But emotionally. Jensen remembered times that Jared had been upset over things his father had said. He wondered now if Jared had held back. If his father had hurt him more than Jensen knew about.

“Jay?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we talk about your dad?”

“What about him?”

“Before the divorce … did he … he never hit you or your sister or brother. Or your mom? Did he?”

“No! Cripes, where’d you get that from?”

“Nowhere … I just … you told me they had some nasty fights.”

Jay was quiet and Jensen looked over. The boy was biting his lower lip and squirming. “Yeah. Dad got frustrated easily. Wasn’t happy. I found out something. I never told you.”

“What did you find out, Jay?”

“There was … he cheated on Mom.”

Jensen’s eyes spun over. He’d never heard that. His parents never said anything. He assumed his mother knew. “You never told me that.” Jensen cringed at the hurt in his voice.

“I know. I wanted to not think about it. Momma was so sad all the time. I just … it was private to her. And she asked us to not … And then they separated and Dad moved out. Momma was still sad but it was better. She said she needed to work on herself. Be herself again. Something like that. And I told her we’d do whatever we could to help.”

The last argument with Jared played in Jensen’s head. At the time Jensen couldn’t see past his breaking heart. He didn’t understand. And now he knew he’d never had all the facts. Even so, he didn’t know if it would have made any difference.

“You can’t be serious about this. You can’t possibly move to-“

“I have to, Jenny. I have no choice.”

“You keep saying that. But … it doesn’t make sense. You’d be leaving me. Us. Jay, you can’t. Tell her. We’ll tell them and maybe then she’d change her mind.”

Jay had been quiet, turned inward. He wouldn’t look Jensen in the eye. “I can’t. If I do that … I don’t know what will-Jen, she’s been through too much. I can’t drop that on top of … Please try to understand. It’s my momma.”

Jensen had snapped bitterly. “And what am I? Not much I guess. Not if you can just up and leave me like it’s nothing!”

“It’s not nothing … this is killing me. But there’s nothing I can do. She accepted this position. Jeff is finishing medical school here but Megan and I, we have to go with her.”

“Why not go live with Jeff? Or your father? Hell, move in here with me! You can’t do this.”

Jared’s eyes met his, more broken than he thought possible. “I can’t do that. It’ll kill her, Jensen. She’s lost so much. Dad was … he said things he shouldn’t have said. I saw it, Jen. Knew she was dying a little inside each time. But there was nothing … I can’t leave Megan. Can’t leave my mom.”

“But you can leave me.” Jared’s silence said it all. Through a strangled throat Jensen said, “Get out.”

“Jen … can’t we try … ?”

“To what? Pretend it’s possible to have a relationship across a fucking ocean?! No, we can’t. Because it isn’t and you know it.”

“I … I love you.”

“No! You don’t get to say that. Not ever again. You made a choice. Go live with it.”

“Jen … “

“Get the fuck out!”

Jensen gripped the steering wheel so tight he thought the blood would never reach his fingers again. He glanced at his passenger, glad that Jay’s memories seemed to stop short of his mother’s decision to move away. He didn’t think Jay would be sitting there so peacefully if he’d been aware of how they parted. Which made seeing the real Jared all the more nerve-wracking. Because that Jay was probably long past Jensen. Jensen was no more than a story of a first romance told to Jared’s lover during slightly drunken exchanges of past mistakes.

The boy who fell apart when it ended. The one who couldn’t let go. The one who never said goodbye.

~~~
The front desk was wide and curved. Two women in pink scrubs sat behind the tall counter. Jensen approached slowly. This was crazy. Doctors didn’t work Monday to Friday normal business hours. The odds of Jared being here were slim. He should have just asked Megan for a phone number. Called first. Except he couldn’t face Jared telling him to stay home.

Jay stood next to him awkwardly, elbows falling through the countertop’s surface.

“Excuse me … I’m looking for … ”

A finger poked him. “Jensen. Don’t bother … I know where I am.”

Jensen turned away from the smiling woman and faced Jay. “You do?”

“Sir, how may I help you?“

Jensen spun back. “Never mind. Thank you.”

He followed Jay to the back elevators. “How do you--?”

“I just do. C’mon. This way.”

They got off on the third floor. Jay’s pace was quick and steady, no hesitation. Jensen barely had a chance to look around and see what was going on around him. They stopped in front of a shut door toward the end of a corridor. Jay disappeared and the door swung open.

“Jensen!”

“Mrs. Padalecki … I … “

“Jensen, my goodness you startled me.” She looked tired, drawn. Face showing more wrinkles than he remembered but her eyes were still the same bright blue-green. Eyes roving his face as if she, too, were looking for differences, she put her hand on his arm. “Did Donna tell you? I told her not to. After … I just didn’t see the point. But maybe she was right. Wasn’t my choice to make. It was yours.” Her eyes filled with tears and Jensen felt his stomach drop like a rock.

“Sheri, Momma didn’t tell me anything.”

The older woman’s eyes grew big. “But then why are you--?”

“I came to find Jared. Megan wrote me that he’d be here. Does he work here?”

The woman sagged slightly before him. Like wind was literally let out of her sails. He held her up by the elbow. “Let’s go sit someplace,” she said softly.

They worked their way to a visitor lounge near the elevator corridor. It was just a few bench seats facing each other. Sheri sat next to Jensen and took his hand in hers. It was slightly damp and too warm. Jensen squeezed back and held his breath.

“Maybe it’s best,” she repeated as if the previous conversation had never ceased. “He’d want this. I heard him. I’m sure you didn’t know. He never knew because I’d run back to the car before he came out.” Her eyes met his, tears welling on her lower lids before falling in long slow drops. “I knew. Maybe not consciously … but I knew. God, I thought I was doing the right thing. It wasn’t about that. About you. I hope you know that. I just had to get away. Don’t know if you’ve ever felt that. I hope you never do. But I had to go, Jensen. And I had to have my family with me. They were all I had. They were a part of me.”

Like Jay had been a part of Jensen. That much he did understand. She continued talking. “I’ll never forget his voice, screaming for you.”

“Jensen! Jen, please. Come on … open the door. I’m leaving. Momma’s outside. Say goodbye at least. Jen.”

Jensen sat staring at his closed bedroom door. They hadn’t spoken since he’d told Jared that he’d made a choice. A choice to leave Jensen.

“I just want to see you one more-Please … open the door.”

He felt cold. Like he’d swallowed a box of ice pops in one gulp. The freeze vibrating like a thousand tiny blades, slicing him up inside. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. Just sat and waited for the pounding to stop.

Like thunder, like horses pounding and a train jumping a track. Monstrous and booming and begging. Fists striking wood and sobs splitting the air like the crack of a whip.

“Jen … please … “ Another rumble, dying out now, fading. “I have to go. I’m gonna say it even if you can’t. Bye, Jen.”

Silence.

“Sheri … where is Jay?”

~~~
The door opened with a slight whoosh. Jensen entered and stared. It was a single room and the first thing he noticed was the familiar sound. The beeping of the monitors controlling Jared’s breathing. The hiss in and out, steady yet wrong.

“I told you. I told you not to come.”

Jensen looked up at the teenager who stared down at himself on the bed. His voice sounded bitter. He swiped at Jared on the bed, hand passing through him. “Guess you’re still the only one I can touch.”

Jensen looked to see if Sheri could see young Jay but she was looking only at her nearly thirty-year-old son lying motionless on the hospital bed.

“What happened?” he asked finally, voice barely a croak.

She touched Jared’s hand and then returned her focus to Jensen. “Car accident. A couple of weeks ago. He’s been in a coma ever since. They don’t think … “

Jensen’s eyes locked on hers. “You can’t mean … ?”

“The prognosis is bad. He’s not expected to wake up. They don’t think he’ll-There was too much damage.“

“Are you sure? What about Jeff? Has he spoken to the doctors? Can’t they do something?”

“Jeff’s been here almost nonstop. As has Meggie. She had to fly home but she’ll be back. Gerry, too. It’s just … we want to have hope but … “

A car accident. A few weeks ago. Jensen thought back to his own accident around the same time. And all he’d had was a damn nosebleed. It was so unfair. He tasted tears and realized he was crying. Jay touched his shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. It’s not okay.”

Sheri nodded. “I know, I know. I’m glad you came. They don’t know if he can hear us. I like to think he can. Tell him you’re here. Let him know.”

Jensen stared at her and she smiled reassuringly. “I’m going to step out for a cup of coffee.”

Jensen was left alone in the room with both Jareds. He turned to the teenager. “Can I talk to him alone?”

Jay looked at him a long moment before vanishing.

Jensen approached the bed. Studied the man he once loved.

Still loved.

His hair was dull and flat, longish but styled. Face thin, paler than Jensen had ever seen him. The breathing tube distorted his gray, chapped lips. He couldn’t see Jared’s eyes. He put his hand over Jared’s and at the warm contact a sob ripped out of him. Oh god. In his worst nightmares he’d never imagined this.

“Hey, Jay. Can you hear me? I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me again, you hear that? I … I’m sorry for how it … for how I … but let’s not talk about that now. I was kinda hoping you’d maybe wake up. Think you’d be up for that? I thought maybe we could talk about the good times. Just remember all the fun. What do you think?”

“There were a lot of fun times.” Jensen spun around because the voice came from behind him, from teenage Jared.

“Can he not wake up because you’re out walking around?” Jensen accused.

Jay approached and tried to touch his own face but his fingers slipped through. “No. That’s not it.”

“I need him to wake up.”

“I know you do. I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about?” Jensen felt fear grip his heart, clamp around it like a cold dead thing.

“I have to leave you.”

“No. You can’t.” Jensen sank onto the chair near Jared’s bed. Jared was still, unmoving except for his chest compressing and expanding in synch with the machine keeping him alive.

A hand brushed through Jensen’s hair, fingers tingling against his scalp. Jensen turned toward the warmth, eyes shutting. “Shh. It’s okay, Jenny. This time is different. You can say goodbye.”

Jensen leapt up at that. “No. God no.” He shook off the boy’s hand and returned to Jared on the bed. “Jared don’t go, please don’t go.” He felt the desperation rising, begging did no good the last time. “I love you. I’ll always love you. Always.”

He heard pounding. Banging. Heard his name shouted over and over in between gargled sobs. The fist clutching his heart released and it was like all the blood poured out of him at once. Hot and slippery and pulsing with pain.

Movement out of the corner of his eye made Jensen look up. Jay stood in the back of the room, misty now, like he was surrounded by a glowing fog. An alarm sounded, piercing and sharp and Jensen nearly shrieked at the stun of it.

“Say goodbye, Jensen.”

“No. Please … ”

“I love you.”

Jensen bent over Jared’s forehead and placed his lips there, holding them a moment. “Bye, my love.”

Sheri screamed at the doorway and nurses bustled past shoving Jensen aside like a rag doll. They shouted he should wait outside. They barked orders and they shocked Jared’s still heart with a charge and they waited and tried again and again.

The monitors kept going … toneless and dull and flat. Jensen stared at Jay as the glow intensified and his teenage form vanished. The brightness grew, filled Jensen’s vision, took over the room, the world.

And then it all fell silent and white.



art by apieceofcake

~~~
The light bothered Jensen’s eyes. He blinked and squinted and quickly shut them again against the sharp pain. His head felt woozy. Like he’d been floating underwater for a long time. He tried to move, wriggle a toe, a finger. It took a moment but his body responded to his commands. He turned his neck and felt something slightly raspy slide under it. Like a too-starched sheet. Cool but not forgiving.

He fought to open his eyes again. Where the hell was he?

White flooded him again, too bright, too piercing. He must have let out a sound, like a groan. A gasp sounded next to him.

“Oh my god! Jensen … Jen, wake up honey. That’s it, open your eyes.”

A flash of blonde and blue. “M-Mom?”

Another hand reached him, light flashing in his eye, firm fingers turning his head, lifting his wrist. Slightly sour breath coming closer, teeth shining and grin widening. “Welcome back,” a friendly voice said. The voice spoke away from him, facing his mother. “I’ll alert his doctor. His vitals look good.”

His mother exhaled, grabbed his hand. “Jensen. Honey, look at me.”

He kept his eyes focused on her watery blue stare. “Mom? What … ?”

And then it came back. The hospital. Jay. The light. He shut his eyes tight and turned his head away from her. He must have fainted like a fucking princess. But he said goodbye this time, right? The words came out? He didn’t just think them?

“Jensen, sweetheart … it’s okay. You’re going to be alright. He said you will be. They relieved the pressure. Jensen … “

What was his mother babbling about? Dammit … he wished she’d go. She tried to understand and she never did.

“Jensen? What do you remember? Do you know where you are?”

God, he hated her attempt at soothing. It wasn’t helping. “Hospital.”

“That’s right. They brought you here after … Jensen, do you remember the accident?”

He turned back to her, this time taking in more of the room as his eyes swept around. There were flowers on the table opposite the bed. A wilting Get Well Soon balloon attached to a stick in the middle of an arrangement. Everything looked like it had been there a while. His brows furrowed. How long had he been out?

“What?” he asked his mother.

“Honey. It’s okay now. You’ll be fine. Don’t be frightened. You were in a car accident about two weeks ago.”

He tried to move and felt a pull where the IV tugged. He looked down and took in his appearance. Some sort of hospital gown, scratchy blankets. The sun was streaming through the window reflecting off his mother’s light blonde hair. “I know. But, I was fine. Just a nosebleed.”

Donna let out a slightly breathy laugh. “A little more than that. Honey, you’ve been unconscious. In a coma. We feared … but it’s okay now. They relieved the pressure in your brain and said you’d wake up. Oh god, we were so worried. I have to go call Dad and Josh and Mack. Will you be alright a moment if I go out in the hallway? I’m not allowed to use the phone in here because of the monitors and we didn’t install a phone because … well, you were … “

“What? I don’t -“ But his mother had stepped away and Jensen was left with his questions and no one around. He searched the room. He knew he was looking for the impossible but he couldn’t help wonder if maybe, somehow, young Jared had been able to stay behind. To stay with Jensen.

And then the impossible happened.

“Hey … look who’s awake.”

Jensen stared. This Jared wasn’t a teenager. He was all man. Jensen felt his tongue grow dry and big in his mouth. It felt like it could choke him. Sparkling hazel eyes captured him, face breaking into a sweet dimpled grin. He was huge. Not quite as tall as his father had been but almost. Shoulders broader than he’d ever seen them. Had ever even imagined. The arms sticking out from the light blue scrubs were muscled and strong and looked like they could lift him with hardly any effort at all. His eyes locked on Jared’s chest, on the swoop of his pecs peeking out from the vee of his shirt. Holy shit.

This was the best hallucination in the world.

Jared approached the bed. “Mind if I just take a look?”

He approached the IV drip and studied the bags, then he grabbed Jensen’s wrist and seemed to be measuring his pulse. Strong fingers lifted his eyelids and looked for reaction. A finger crossed Jensen’s vision. “Can you follow that?” Jensen shifted his eyes left, then right.

“Good. Excellent.” A hand brushed behind his head, tugging at something. “We had to shave your head a little. Sorry about that.” Fingers stroked through his hair a moment before disappearing.

“I’m going to put you on some anti-convulsive medicine just as a precaution. You’ll only need to be on it for about a week. Does your head hurt? Any other discomforts?”

Jensen stared. “You’re old.”

Jared smiled at him. “Yeah well, you’re older. And it looks like you’re gonna keep getting that way.” Something changed in his look, his color deepened and he approached the bed. “How much do you remember?”

Eyes stinging Jensen said, “Everything.”

Jensen studied Jared’s new face. Gorgeous didn’t begin to describe him. Jensen put his hand out compelled to touch. Jay looked down at Jensen’s movement and gripped his hand. “Hey,” he said softly. “Didn’t think this is the way we’d be seeing each other again.”

“Where’d you go?” Jensen asked. “And how come they let you come back?”

Jared’s brows drew together. “Still a citizen, Jen. They let me back in.” He smiled. “Drugs have you a little loopy. It’s normal. You should rest.”

As soon as the words were spoken Jensen felt his lids droop. He really was tired. It suddenly felt like a huge weight sat on his chest pressing him deeper into the mattress. “Will you come with me?” he slurred, eyes mostly shut.

“Where?” Jared asked.

“Funeral. Can’t handle … without you.”

A hand covered his again. “Jen. You’re going to be fine. I promise. It’s all going to be okay.”

Fingers carded through his hair, nails slightly digging into his scalp. Warm and soft and good.

Jensen awoke to a huge smile. Mackenzie practically leapt on him while his mother tried uselessly to calm her down. “Jen … you’re awake. You’re really awake! They said it was different. That you were just sleeping, but … “

“Hey, kiddo. Whoa, don’t cry. What’s all this about?” He looked back up to his mother’s bright smile. As memory returned he looked around the room but only Mack and his mother were there. Fighting back disappointment, he returned his sister’s embrace.

“Sorry I scared you. Just … couldn’t handle it, I guess. But I’m better now. It’s going to be okay.”

She pulled back and stared at him. “You don’t have to apologize. Wasn’t your fault, Jen. God, nobody is blaming you.”

The door opened again and a tall figure filled the opening. “Hi.”

Mack jumped up. “Jay … he’s awake. Like you said.” His sister leapt into Jared’s arms.

“Told you. I keep my promises.”

Jensen gaped, mouth flapping open stupidly. “M-Mack. You … see him?”

Donna touched Jensen’s arm. “Jared’s been here the whole time. Well, since we called him. I knew he was back and in Texas. And Sheri told me he was a neurosurgeon. Jensen. He saved your life.” Her eyes filled again with tears.

Jared put his arm around Donna and pulled her to him. “I just helped. Jensen did all the work.”

“That’s cause you never gave up.”

Jensen looked from his mother to Jared, heart pounding so hard the monitor beeped erratically. Jared looked up in concern. “Jen … what’s wrong?”

“How long … how long have I been here?”

Donna squeezed his hand. “Since the accident, like I told you. Almost two weeks.”

“I was … I was in a coma?”

“Yes. And they didn’t know if you’d wake up. Then Jared alleviated the pressure in your brain. And … now you’re talking to us. It’s like a miracle.”

Jared looked down, face flushing. He returned his gaze to Jensen’s. “It’s called a craniotomy. Basically, we dug a hole in your skull and released the blood that built up from your head injury. It sounds worse than it is. You’re going to be fine. We’ll just keep monitoring the pressure. I took the sutures out yesterday. Like I said, a week of anticonvulsives. If your tests keep looking good you’ll get to leave here in a week or so.”

Donna interrupted. “So soon? After brain surgery?”

“Donna. He’s going to be okay. There’s no more bleeding. The pressure has dropped dramatically. I think we’re over the worst of it.”

“I’ve been here. In this bed, for two weeks?”

All eyes turned back to him and Jared looked slightly concerned now. “Jen, are you having trouble remembering what we just told you?”

“What about your accident?”

“Huh?”

“Weren’t you also in a car accident?”

Jared gave him an indulgent smile, but his eyes remained worried. “No. I wasn’t. Not counting a little fender bender years ago. But you were with me for that.”

Jensen stared at his family, at Jared, feeling very much like Dorothy just home from Oz. He had this irresistible urge to start telling them all that they were there, too. With him. In his dream?

“Mom, Mack … can I … will you let me talk to Jared alone a moment?” He turned to Jared and held his gaze. “I have some questions … do you have a little time?”

“Sure. I’m off duty till tomorrow. I have all the time you need.”

Mack pouted but stepped away. Donna kissed his cheek. “I know you’ll want to catch up, but don’t stay up all night. I’ll be back with Dad in a little while. He got caught up in the office but he’ll be here soon. And Josh will be here tomorrow.”

Jensen nodded at them and watched them leave. Alone suddenly with Jared, Jensen felt shy. None of it happened. Then that meant this was the first time they were talking since …

“Jay? When I was asleep. I mean in the coma … could I have dreamt?”

“It’s possible. Do you remember dreaming?”

Jared perched on the side of Jensen’s bed. His hand landed near Jensen’s shoulder. “Mom said you were here … a lot. Did you … talk to me?”

Jared blushed and stood, walking slightly away. “Guess maybe you’re remembering that, too, huh? I was talking about when we were kids. The good times.”

“Did I say anything?”

“No. You were out. But maybe you heard me. I was hoping you would.”

Jensen stared at Jared’s broad back. Boy, he’d grown up and then some. The boy had been cute. The man was stunning. His heart pounded again.

“Jared … “ Jensen held his hand out and Jared approached and sat next to him again. Slowly he took Jensen’s hand, giving it a little squeeze.

“Yeah, Jen?”

“I’m sorry.” Jared looked like he might interrupt but Jensen wouldn’t let him. He plowed ahead before he lost his nerve. Before everything that happened was made meaningless and he couldn’t allow that. “I’m sorry for how we … how I acted when you moved away. I’m sorry I never said goodbye.”

Jared held his stare until they both were forced to blink. Jensen let the moisture trail down his cheek and tried not to damn himself too much for time lost.

“I can forgive you that. If you do something for me.” Jensen looked at their joined hands and then back up at Jared’s slightly flushed face. “How ‘bout you say hello now, instead.”

Jensen smiled. He could do that. “Hello, Jay.”



art by apieceofcake

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