One Small Step, Ch. 3/6, [R], RPS, AU, Jensen/Jared
“So how’s it going with Jensen?”
Sandy’s face is in her notebook, crossing things out and scribbling new things. She appears so distracted it’s almost as if she hasn’t spoken at all.
“What do you mean?” He wonders if Jensen has complained about him? Did Jared say something stupid? Act inappropriately? He can’t remember anything out of the ordinary but that means nothing.
“Just that I noticed you’ve been spending extra time with him.”
“Yeah, well, because I’m helping plan his wedding.” Jared fights off a touch of annoyance. It was Sandy’s idea in the first place that Jared be involved. Despite the fact that every day brought that damn day closer. The day Jensen was forever off limits. Not like he’s in limits now. Or ever was.
“He told me you and he watched a movie and hung out some, too.”
She’s still engrossed in her checklists. He can’t figure out a thing about what she might be thinking. Not that he could easily even if she were staring right at him. But this way, it’s absolutely impossible.
“We watched Apollo 13. I love that film. You know they took some artistic licenses with it even though it’s very accurate in most regards. For instance, the scene where we see Mattingly standing by himself in the nearby field as the rocket takes off. He couldn’t have done that. Too close. Would have broken security protocols.”
“But it made for a lovely shot.”
“Jensen said that.”
Finally Sandy is looking at him. “Did he enjoy watching the movie with you, Jare?”
“He said he did.” His face scrunches slightly. “Was that a lie? Did he tell you he had a bad time?”
“No! Not at all,” Sandy quickly rebuffs. “In fact, he told me he had a great time. Jensen isn’t like that … he’s not a liar. Why would you say that?”
Jared feels guilty. He sometimes has moments of thinking everyone is lying to him. It’s wrong. And Jensen has always been honest with him. He knows that. “I … I don’t think that. He bought me pizza. Plain. He says he likes it that way, too.”
She smiles at him and Jared doesn’t know why. “I’ve finalized the venue you found. Next up is to get Tom to sign off on everything. Have you met Tom yet?”
“Well, I’ve seen him on television. And sometimes I’ve spotted him here … coming out of a conference room or office.”
“Good. Then this will be your chance. I want to present all our work together. It’ll save time that way and you know how busy both he and Jensen are. I think they’ll appreciate that.”
Jared is scared to meet Tom. He’s … larger than life. A hero. A legend. And Jared is … the weird kid that misunderstands and says the wrong thing.
“Jare … breathe.”
“I … why do I have to be there? You know everything.”
“No, I don’t. You’ve handled logistics on dozens of things from the music to hotel accommodations for out of town guests to arranging for the press area.” That last is said oddly … her voice pitched unnaturally high. Blatantly so because Jared noticed.
“I asked Jensen about that. I guess it’s important. You know, for the cause. But it’s his wedding. The most important day of his life. And these strangers are getting more attention than-I mean, who cares where the New York Times reporter sits?”
“Tom cares.”
“I want … it’s important that Jensen have a special wedding.”
“… a special person,” Sandy murmurs to herself.
Jared hears only the word ‘special’ and figures she agrees with him. It had been fun watching his favorite movie with Jensen even though Jared had seen it so many times. Mostly alone, a bunch of times with his parents, and a half dozen times with Sandy. But Jensen, he seemed to get it.
When the capsule splashed down he joined Jared in applauding. They burst into it together, spontaneously. Now Jared … he always applauds at the film’s end, always feels that flush of amazement and thanks. He thinks of how it might have been if the astronauts had been lost forever circling the moon. How every glance up at a nighttime sky would be sad. The moon would have been turned into a tombstone. Jared is immeasurably grateful that hadn’t happened. He’d told Jensen that.
Jensen’d been quiet, eyes moving from the capsule bobbing on the blue ocean and back to Jared, eyes wide and slightly moist and Jared nearly gasped at his own awareness. So odd to understand so much without anyone saying anything. Sometimes with Poppa he’d get glimpses like this. An inexplicable connection that usually vanished in the next blink. But Jensen’s was holding. “That would have been terrible,” Jensen had said. Then he’d picked up Jared’s hand where it sat on the sofa between them. Jensen’s palm was warm and dry and he’d squeezed Jared’s hand lightly. It wasn’t the first time Jared had wanted the impossible. And he doubted it would be the last.
“What’s the matter, Jare?”
Sandy’s soft voice startles him out of his memories. He meets her eyes. “I don’t want to plan this wedding,” he tells her honestly.
“I know, hon. But … do you trust me?
“Of course.” He’s confused because he didn’t remember ever saying anything to her that would indicate he didn’t trust her.
“Then help me with this. Be … be a friend to Jensen.”
“I am his friend.” He continues to be confused. Knows that he’s missing something. Doesn’t know what.
“I’ll set up the meeting with Tom.” She’s changed the subject again and Jared is grateful because he doesn’t like that left out feeling.
“Sure. Whenever.”
“ … believes gays should have the same legal rights as all other couples.” Tom snorts loudly. “Just as long as they don’t taint the holy word of marriage by using it -- hypocritical son of a bitch.”
Jensen sighs. “Tom. He’s hedging because saying too much, too soon, could cost him the election.”
Tom spins on him, clicking off the television set. “You’re too easy on them, Jensen. Always have been. We helped put that man in the White House. And we’ll damn well toss him out if he doesn’t start using the right words soon enough.”
“Uh-huh. And I’m sure President Bachman will treat us much better.”
“That twat will never get near the White House.”
Jensen cringes. Not that he likes or agrees with the congresswoman on anything. But he was raised better than using language like that about any woman. “Tom, c’mon.”
“Christ, Jen. How can you remain so complacent? She’s known for her anti-gay legislation in her home state. Known for it. Feather in her cap. Can you imagine anyone running on their anti-black or anti-Jew or anti-fucking-blued-eyed people agenda? We’re the new acceptable scapegoat.” He pauses, runs a hand over his chin. “Well, us and the Muslims, I guess. Only we didn’t exactly bring down any buildings.”
“Tom! Now you’re as bad as she is.” Jensen’s temper is rising. If there’s one thing he has zero tolerance for, it’s bigotry.
Tom backpedals quickly. “I know. I shouldn’t have said that, an’ I don’t believe it-It’s just … where’s your fire, man?”
Jensen has fire. Just burns slower. He’s always been more patient, more methodical, more orderly than Tom. In a way that’s why they make an interesting pair. He likes to think he grounds Tom. Sometimes it’s good to run. And sometimes it’s nice to just sit still. And watch a good film with a special person.
He remembers the men of Apollo 13. The astronauts, the engineers, the nerds and the geeks and the hundreds of unsung heroes who never gave up. “Sometimes patience works.” Once the words are out he wishes they could be put back. He didn’t really answer Tom’s question. He doesn’t have an answer that Tom hasn’t heard before. It’s an old question and one Jensen is getting tired of being asked.
And it’s not like he’s never allowed himself to be swept up in the energy surrounding Tom. Hell, that’s how they’d gotten engaged in the first place. They were at the Pride Parade following the passage of the Marriage Equality Act. The atmosphere was electric. Joy blazed off the smiles of his brothers and sisters, all marching openly. Holding hands and opening their hearts. The press caught up to him and Tom near Washington Square Park. He’d been around Tom enough now that he was just about used to it. It was still difficult. Because deep down he was still a private person. But this was important.
One young reporter got right in their faces. “So. After this amazing win in New York, what are you going to do now?” No surprise that the question was directed at Tom and not Jensen. But that was fine. Only this time Tom unexpectedly threw his arm over Jensen’s shoulders and stared at him hard, mouthing go along. Then he dropped to one knee.
The crowd shimmered around them gasping and laughing and clapping. Jensen’s eyes went huge and his breath sputtered at Tom’s words.
“Jensen. You’ve been my steadfast partner since first reading the angst-ridden book of my youth. You took a chance on a young, gay writer aching to be heard. You helped me find my voice. You helped me reach others and show them what was possible. Help me one more time. I want to come full circle and be among the first gay couples to get married in New York. Marry me, Jensen?”
His heart had pounded because they’d never talked about this. Not even close. Hell, they weren’t like that. They fooled around when they got bored. Marriage? He never thought he’d get married. He fought for it for others but it was never even a blip on the radar for himself. And in a way, that’s why he said yes. Because rather than face a life alone, why not join with Tom and make a point? Lead, as Tom always said. Those after him would have better reasons for getting married. Or maybe they wouldn’t. Who knew? But at least now, they had a chance.
With a shaky smile he nodded and then said, “Yes.”
The crowd erupted and Tom placed a quick kiss on his lips before turning immediately back to the flashing lights and press microphones.
Tom touches his arm, drawing him back to the present. “Didn’t you say we had to meet with Sandy about the wedding plans? When’s that happening?”
“Tomorrow at noon.”
Tom pulls his phone from his pocket. “No can do. Meeting with the governor.”
Jensen inhales slowly. “That’s the third time you had us change it. But if I go ahead without you then you bitch that you don’t like the setup.”
“Day after. I promise. Same time, okay? Your office.” The glint reaches Tom’s eyes and his earlier peevishness is gone. That’s Tom. Ever changing. Jensen wonders what it would be like to be with someone who just stayed the same. He refuses to acknowledge how Jared popped into his mind. How his steady calmness works the knots out of Jensen’s muscles as surely as a massage.
“Imagine being honest all the time.”
Tom stares at him. “Dude, you’ve been saying odd things all night. You okay?”
“Think about it. Not having to be on. To smile on cue. To shake hands with folks you can’t stand.”
Tom responds with a deep chuckle. “I guess. But what would be the fun in that?” Tom tilts his head and then steps close enough to nip at Jensen’s lower lip.
“I think maybe you just need to get laid, bud. Keep all those weird thoughts at bay, yeah?” He’s quickly working the buttons on Jensen’s shirt open. Jensen lifts his head for another kiss but Tom digs into his neck instead. It’s warm and familiar and Jensen lets his hand wander over thick hard muscle. They’ve done this on and off for nearly five years now. Coming together when neither was dating anyone else. Which, in Jensen’s case, was most of the time.
It’s solid and slightly punishing and quick. He’s naked in minutes, kneeling on the sofa, stomach draped over the back. Prep is efficient and brisk and he responds to being filled hard with a sharp intake of air. There’s an obligatory pause before Tom starts fucking into him in earnest and Jensen brings his hand down to get himself off. He struggles to stay in the moment, not think about the crazy dreams of his screwed up youth, poems scribbled in secret notebooks begging for affection and passion and want. Tom’s deep thrust has Jensen feel a hot white flush of pleasure. Between that and his hand gripping his own flesh he feels his orgasm climbing up his spine. He buries his face in his arm on the sofa’s back, lips pressing into the soft crease of his elbow in a hollow parody of a kiss.
He’s swallowing hard and fighting a sharp sting in his eyes as his body releases. Seconds later, Tom grunts behind him and pulls out quick enough to scrape Jensen raw. He hisses and Tom mumbles sorry, tone as perfunctory as ever.
Tom disposes of the condom and cleans them both up with Jensen’s discarded tee-shirt before turning to Jensen, eyes wide and deeply blue.
Jensen doesn’t know what’s wrong with himself. He sinks into Tom’s side and holds on and thinks that the other man must imagine Jensen’s gone off the deep end because he doesn’t do this. Tom just squeezes him back once hard before pulling back, lips grazing his forehead. “Hey … what is it?”
“I don’t-just the wedding I guess.”
Tom sighs. “I know you’re shyer than me. But it’ll be over quick enough. And then things will be normal again. We’ll put on the show and let them snap their pictures. They’ll write pretty stories. But in the end, it’ll just be us. You’ll have the same freedoms you had before. Nothing will change.”
Jensen pulls away with a start and grabs for his clothes. “Freedoms?”
Tom eyes him warily but also gets dressed. “Yeah. Look, I know you’re not big on change. And that’s cool. We’re just gonna show ‘em all how normal a gay couple getting married can be. But afterward, it’s our lives, you know.”
“Tom … I’m not sure I … are you talking about an open arrangement?”
Tom smiles assuredly at him. “I’m saying that nothing has to change. We come together when we want.” He licks his lips. “Like now. But when we need … something else, we take it, discreetly. It’s perfect now, right? Why change it? Jensen, I thought that’s what you wanted, too.”
Jensen’s legs feel rubbery and he forces them steady enough to get over to a chair because he doesn’t want to sit on the sofa where he just got fucked. So his soon-to-be husband wants to fuck other men after they’re married. The words were never said but it’s so obvious now he feels like an idiot for not realizing it. Tom really never lied to him. He’s said from the very start that the wedding wouldn’t change anything.
Tom’s phone beeps and he has it out and is texting frantically. Jensen sees Tom’s eyes look to the door and his lips twist as he contemplates Jensen’s reaction.
“I … you know, you don’t have to stick around. I have some manuscripts to read and that’ll probably take up the next several hours.”
Tom’s relief is palpable. “Yeah? It’s just some of the guys need some help with some wording for a petition.” He hesitates. “You can come with if you want.”
Jensen nods no and points to a random stack of manuscripts on his desk. “Nah. Like I said … work.”
“Good. Right.” Tom approaches and goes to kiss him but Jensen turns his head and it lands on his cheek instead. Tom doesn’t try again. “Hey … thanks for … “
Jensen nods again because he thinks if he speaks he’ll either yell or cry and if either starts he’s not sure he’d ever be able to stop.
He’s alone for some time before he moves again. The phone feels oddly heavy in his hand and the part of him that knows this is wrong is overwhelmed with the side that just needs to breathe in something good if only for a little while.
“Jared?”
“Jensen? Hey. Hi.” There’s a short pause and then Jensen hears Jared breathe in. “NASA didn’t invent Tang. Most people think they did. But they didn’t. But did you know that the material used in our running shoes came from the space program? It was called ‘blow rubber molding’ and originally it was used in helmets but then the engineers thought to use it to make athletic shoes with hollow soles that were filled with shock-absorbing foam.” He hears Jared breathe in again. “But you don’t want to know that. That’s not why you called. Why did you call?”
The laugh that escapes Jensen’s lips is shaky and high. “This. Jared, this is why I called. To hear you. To hear something true and real.”
“Jensen. That doesn’t make much sense. Are you okay?”
“No. I’m kinda not.” Lying to Jared feels like stealing from a blind person and Jensen just doesn’t want to do it. “But I will be. Just … for now. Do you mind talking to me a little?”
“A-about what?”
“Tell me about your heroes.”
Jensen walks into his bedroom and lies down and lets Jared’s voice warm the cold spots in his soul. Jared speaks of the original Mercury astronauts. Of the early testing and training. Of time and dedication and sacrifice. Working together to meet a greater goal.
“So Yuri Gagarin, the first human ever in space, never lived to see a man land on the moon. He died a year before in a jet crash.”
“But he had that. Being first. Nobody ever can take that away from him.”
“Like you,” Jared says.
“What?” He’s not positive what Jared means, but no matter what, his instinct is to deny. “No. I’m no … I’m nothing like that.”
“You are to me,” Jared says gently. He yawns loudly. “Jensen. I really need to go to sleep now. Did I help?”
Words war in Jensen’s head. Yes. No. I’m no hero. I’m not worthy of being anyone’s hero because it’s all one big lie. “Good night, Jared. Thank you.”
Jared’s parting sigh makes Jensen’s heart skip. He’s so screwed. He wants what he can never have. It’s ironic in a way, Tom’s open marriage idea. Because if he ever dared to suggest taking advantage of it to someone like Jared he’d get punched in the nose. In twenty-three days he’s getting married. In front of politicians and activists and probably some protestors, he’s going to proclaim his commitment to Tom.
He makes it to the bathroom about a second before the bile rises and splashes into the toilet.
“Twelve episodes, eh?”
Jensen is standing in Jared’s doorway as promised at ten o’clock on a Saturday morning. His smile is sun bright. It’s been a week since Jared got that odd phone call at night. He’s seen Jensen at work as the wedding planning has continued but the phone call never came up. And he’s yet to officially meet Tom.
He blinks once because Jensen’s smile is sort of dazzling. “Yeah. It’s amazing. I told you Tom Hanks is a space program buff, like me. He produced this miniseries. Also he introduces all of them. And all the intros end with the words ‘From the Earth to the Moon’ which is cool. But that’s not … Oh and he’s in the last one. Which is really cool because it’s about A Trip to the Moon -- have you ever seen that? It’s an old French silent film. The first science fiction film, really. I mean looking at it today, it’s funny, but back then it stunned people with animation and special effects they’d never seen before. Anyway, that episode splices Tom Hanks playing the director working on that film with the last Apollo mission. It’s very clever. So it takes the series up to Eugene Cernan, who was the last man to walk on the moon. He made a very moving comment right before they lifted off. Most don’t know it, not like they know Armstrong’s first words.”
Jensen interrupts. “But you do, right?”
Jared catches his breath. He knows he’s been on a ramble. He has to slow his thoughts. They fly ahead of him sometimes. Like time will run out if he doesn’t get it all out. His poppa would tell him ‘Brake, son. Hit the brakes.’ And then he’d smile and Jared always knew that Poppa’s smiles were good. He’d never do the sneaky, not-good smile.
“Yes,” he answers Jensen now, breathing in and out carefully to calm himself. It takes everything he has not to recite Cernan’s words. And he’s proud of himself for finally shutting up for once. He still doesn’t know why Jensen continues to be so nice to him. Sure, Jared’s helping to plan his wedding and Jensen was always nice to him at work before. But now he’s become a friend. Jared hasn’t had very many of those. Sandy is the first best friend he’s ever had. And now Jensen is starting to feel like one, too. He doesn’t know if he’s allowed to have more than one. “Can people have more than one best friend?”
Once more Jared is aware of green eyes meeting his, and that realization surprises him every time. “Sure. Why not? Friends are individual people and we … click with different people in different ways.”
“Like the way a parent can love each of their children equally?”
“Yes, exactly. We care for our friends differently as well. But each is special in their own way.”
Jensen has never visited Jared at home. But he agreed to watch From the Earth to the Moon with Jared, a miniseries that covers the space program from Gemini through Apollo. Jared has been chattering nonstop since he opened the door. Now he realizes he should ask Jensen to come inside, offer something - food or drink. That’s what one did. But he’s still sorting through what Jensen just said. “You’re right,” he decides. “I love Sandy and you differently. So I think you can both be my best friend.”
A few steps inside and Jensen’s gaze lands on the single photograph on Jared’s living room wall. It’s large - 24" x 36" - and immediately visible when turning the corner from the small entryway. The photo, called ‘Earthrise,’ was taken by the Apollo 8 astronauts. It’s an actual print, his father bought it from NASA. And it’s the most beautiful thing Jared owns. Every time he sees it he has to stop.
Now, forcing his eyes away from the photo, Jared studies Jensen as he takes in the image. He’s struck suddenly by the most beautiful man he’s ever seen looking at the most beautiful photo in the world. Jensen’s eyes are focused and mouth slightly open and Jared thinks he can see every emotion surging through the other man’s soul. As ever, his filter fails him. “I never thought I’d see this.”
Jensen turns to him and Jared thinks he can still see that gorgeous blue marble reflected in the black of Jensen’s eyes. Shut up. Don’t say more. He is screaming so loud to himself he fears Jensen will hear him.
“Jared? Are you okay?”
Tears sting his eyes. Wouldn’t be the first time this photo makes Jared cry. But it’s more than that hitting Jared hard. Having Jensen here. In his home. He’d dreamed of it so often but now he realizes those dreams were nothing. Because Jensen’s face staring at that photo told Jared things. And the miracle of that is turning Jared’s insides to jelly.
“I just. You … I could see you react to it. Not … used to that.”
Jensen’s smile is small but fond. “I’ve seen the photo before, of course. Everyone has. It’s just … seeing it here. On your wall. Knowing how you … Yeah, got to me.”
Slowly, so not to surprise, Jensen moves closer and brings his arm over Jared’s shoulder pulling him in. They stand before the photo silently a few moments. Jared feels the warmth and waits for that too close feeling but it never comes. It feels. Perfect.
Jensen speaks softly, “Tell me about it.”
“It was taken during Apollo 8. That’s my favorite of all the Apollo missions.”
“Yeah? Not eleven?”
“Oh eleven was amazing. No question. But eight. That one was magic. And this is part of it. They set out to reach the moon. To orbit the moon and make all the subsequent missions possible. But what they found was so much more. It wasn’t the cold gray little body circling us. Even though that has its own ethereal beauty. What they really found. Was us.”
Jensen is looking at the photo again. Jared can’t make out this time what he’s thinking. In a way that’s comforting because it’s familiar. Normal. “A lonely blue marble in the endless black,” Jared continues. “It’s nothing. And it’s everything. It’s a speck. And all we have. Every life ever lived. Everyone who ever loved or cried. Ever died. It all happened on that gorgeous body coming up behind the moon. So precious and fragile. They say the environmental movement started with that photograph.”
The lips that suddenly press against Jared’s cheek are warm and soft and gone before Jared can even blink. He stumbles back a step, hand moving up to cover the spot. It practically tingles beneath his fingertips and he knows his face is red and his breath is too fast but he can’t stop any of it. “Wh-what … why did you--?”
“You’re incredible, Jared Padalecki.” Jensen is staring as if he can see inside of Jared. But his face is a mystery. “I’ve been so caught up in myself, and the fight to change the laws and, yeah, it’s important because what’s right still matters. Yet … you … you can care about who made Tang with equal fervor to our place in the universe. In seconds you shine a light to things bigger than just me. Or … T-Tom.” Jensen runs his hand across the back of his head. There’s a bounce in his step as he swings closer to Jared again and takes his hand. “C’mon. Let’s watch that miniseries. All twelve episodes. Take me on a voyage to the moon.”
“But that would take hours. All day and into the night. “You’d have to sleep here.”
Jensen shrugs. It is Saturday and there’s no work the next day but Jared still never expected …
“Got nowhere else to be.”
Jared frowns slightly. “Oh. Is Tom busy? That’s … I’m sorry.”
He’s met with another shrug. “I’m not. Glad to be spending the day with my best friend.”
It’s one thing to think it and another to hear it. Jared’s heart pounds fast. “Yeah? Me, too.”
He settles next to Jensen on the sofa, sitting closer than he normally sits with Sandy. It’s like Jensen said. You care for different people in different ways. That must explain why everything is just a little easier with Jensen. Of course, it’s hard to not remember his parents. They always seemed to touch. As the DVD menu boots up Jared’s eyes are drawn back to Earthrise. “Poppa gave me that,” he says.
“The print?”
Jared nods. “For my birthday, when I turned twenty-one. He knew I’d love it.”
Next to him Jensen barely nods in that non-speaking way of saying a bunch. Jared is proud for noticing. “He told me once that Momma was his Earthrise.”
An arm surrounds Jared again and without thinking he leans into Jensen’s shoulder. The miniseries theme music is playing in repeat in the background. Jared should start the first episode but he’s comfortable and does nothing. “You miss him,” Jensen whispers in his ear. The sudden puff of breath makes Jared shiver.
“Every minute,” he answers. Because it’s true. The absence is there with every heartbeat.
“I wish I could have met him.”
And then the strangest thing happens. Jared starts to cry. He didn’t cry when he found his father lying on the bedroom floor when Jared came home from work. He didn’t cry as the paramedics told him it was too late to try to resuscitate him. That he was dead. Didn’t cry during the funeral. But now the tears fall fast and hot and he’s swallowing in air in big thirsty gulps.
Jensen has both arms around him now and is holding him closer than he remembers being held before. It’s too tight and he starts to squirm. Instinctively Jensen loosens his grip but doesn’t let go. Soft words of comfort are murmured directly into his ear. Lips brush his temple and down his cheek and for the first time since his father died Jared feels loved again.
As soon as he’s able to control his voice Jared pulls back, wiping his snot with the back of his hand as he manages to croak out, “Thank you.” Now he’s too worn out to even try to read Jensen so he wishes the other man would just speak. After a long silence Jensen simply says, “You’re welcome.”
Then Jensen pulls Jared’s head back to his shoulder and kisses his temple again. Jared hasn’t been kissed this much since his momma died. It should be wigging him out but it’s not.
“You good to watch?” Jensen asks.
“Can always watch this.” With a push of a button the familiar music fades to Tom Hanks’s opening narration about the start of the space program and calm returns to Jared in soft waves. He’s not sure what comes over him but right as Tom Hank’s last words are uttered Jared turns and kisses Jensen’s cheek. For a split second he’s afraid, because he’s never done that. He doesn’t do spontaneous affection. Except Jensen lets out a soft sigh and sinks deeper into Jared’s sofa and doesn’t move away from Jared for hours.
To Chapter 4
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