One Small Step, Ch. 6/6, [R], RPS, AU, Jensen/Jared

[sandymg]

The last place in the universe Jared wants to be is at Jensen Ackles’ wedding.

It’s all perfect. Exactly as Sandy arranged it. The flowers are white with touches of lavender mixed in. The hotel’s chandeliers are gleaming overhead. The crowd is contained with a red velvet separation for the media. As instructed the seats are slipcovered in white with lavender bows. The crowd is a pretty even split between Tom’s side and Jensen’s. Jared knows which of the people on Jensen’s side are there because Jensen or Donna invited them, which are there for Tom’s publicity angle.

Sandy wants Jared to sit with her. “No, San. I’d rather sit in the back. I promised I’d be here. Didn’t say I’d take an Orchestra seat.”

“I’ll sit with you,” she insists.

“Nope. Go sit with Danni and your friends up front. I’m fine.”

“You’re hurting.”

Jared nods. It’s true. Doesn’t change anything. Like when Poppa died. Why do people think that wailing about something can change it?

“God, I feel so guilty.”

Jared is surprised by Sandy’s words. “Why? You didn’t do anything.”

“I knew you had a crush on him. I pushed you two together. It’s just … dammit, I wasn’t even wrong! This is so stupid.”

“Having Jensen as my friend is wonderful. You didn’t do anything stupid. Unless you think I did.”

Sandy touches his hand. “No! Nothing about you is stupid.” She sighs loudly. “Never mind. Let’s get this farce over with. “If he’d rather have that two-timing slime bucket then maybe he deserves this.”

“Wait? What?!” Jared’s heart races.

“Tom isn’t exactly what you’d call ‘true’. And, from what I hear, even after the wedding that part’s not going to change.”

“I don’t understand.”

She meets his eyes. “They plan to have some sort of open arrangement. You know, they’ll fool around with others even though they are married. I heard it from one of the guys at dinner last night. Hell, Tom left with some twink.”

Oh god. Jared doesn’t know how to begin to process this. He remembers Jensen kissing him. His first kiss and it meant the world to him. But. What if Jensen just thought it was part of the arrangement he has with Tom? What if Jensen thinks that Jared would do that … keep doing that … He suddenly feels ill to his stomach.

“I … excuse me.”

He races out to the men’s room and clutches the sink basin hard. It’s mercifully empty. He splashes water on his face. He can’t be that kind of friend to Jensen. As much as he loves him. As much as he values his friendship … that’s just … no. He didn’t think today could be any worse. Watching Jensen marry someone else and losing him romantically forever. But now it feels like he’ll be losing Jensen in all ways.

Men are talking on the other side of the swiftly opening door and Jared rushes into a stall. He doesn’t want to see anyone. Tom’s voice is clear and strong. “Stop. Not here. C’mon, I’m supposed to be getting married.” But he laughs.

“I’ll blow you. Get the edge off?”

“What if Jensen walks in, man?”

“You told me he doesn’t give a fuck.”

“He doesn’t. Didn’t. Lately I don’t know, he’s been all weird.”

“Fuck … he’s not going to turn all wife on you, is he?”

“Nah. An’ I think he’s got his own boy toy on the side. Mail clerk at work.”

“Oh, man, that’s just wrong.”

“I know, right? Talk about slumming. I told him that, too.”

The tap shuts off and Tom says he has to get out there, that it’ll be starting soon. The other man protests lightly but they both leave.

It’s a good thing Jared is already in the stall because his breakfast rises fast, burning his throat as he kneels over the toilet.



Tasteful, Jensen thinks. Subdued and classy. He looks around. The Empire Hotel has a long history. Yet it’s intimate enough to feel cozy. They took photos earlier, near Lincoln Center. Some magazine arranged the shoot. Tom was impressed. Vanity Fair maybe? Or Esquire. Whatever it was made Tom happy. I only want you happy. Jensen spotted Jared earlier. They didn’t speak. He doesn’t even know if Jared noticed him. He and Sandy had been huddled discussing something.

He hears the music and breathes deeply and bites back the sheer panic threatening to paralyze him. Tom is waiting at the doors of the room where they’ll be married. They agreed to walk down the aisle together. Jensen’s family is already inside. Tom comes over. “You ready, buddy?”

Jensen says yes. But his stomach is cramping. He points to the men’s room. “They can wait a second, right?”

Tom looks annoyed but then his face softens. “We’re good. Go powder your nose one more time, princess. I’ll just have them play the music till you’re ready. Can’t start without the bride, eh?” He’s smiling indulgently at Jensen and Jensen is grateful and guilty. It seems to be his default emotion lately.

Nonetheless, he disappears into the men’s room, relieved to have a few moments by himself before it all begins. He’s at the sink, trying not to look at himself in the mirror when a stall opens and Jared steps out ashen-faced. He sidesteps Jensen silently and cups water up to his lips, spitting it out rapidly. He glances around and spots the courtesy basket. In seconds he’s got the toothbrush ripped out of its plastic wrapping and has located the tiny sample toothpaste. A few minutes later he’s rinsing his mouth again with the tap water.

“You okay?”

Jared turns then but still won’t meet Jensen’s eyes. He speaks slowly and calmly. “I was feeling a little ill but I’m fine now. You should be inside.”

“I wanted … “ Jensen turns the tap on for something to do. He rubs his hands in the water, bringing them up to his face and splashing his eyes.

“See you inside.” Jared starts for the door.

“Wait Jared, I … “

Jared stops but still doesn’t look at Jensen directly. He waits and Jensen doesn’t know what to say. “I … Remember what you told me about John and Annie Glenn?”

He has Jared’s attention now. He’s standing ramrod straight and is striking in his suit. He told Jensen that Sandy took him shopping and it shows. The material is soft and sheens slightly. The cut is tapered and perfectly tailored. Even Jared’s normally wild hair has been tamed with gel and makes his already chiseled features even more prominent. He’s known Jared is gorgeous from the day he met him. But Jensen absorbs the other man’s beauty now and he’s humbled by just being allowed to look.

They are standing close and the bathroom seems suddenly tight. Jensen wants to touch and has to dig his fingers into his palms to stop himself. He can’t control his words, however. “Is it really possible to just be in love with someone? To not know when it started? Like it just always was that way?”

Jared doesn’t reply. His eyes meet Jensen’s and they swirl with color and passion. It’s the stuff he’d written about years ago in hidden notebooks. Poems of eyes clashing and souls baring. Jared’s face reddens and he leans down swiftly, bringing their lips together in a quick, nearly violent crash, before backing away as if someone shoved him. He shuts his eyes and gulps in air, running out of the small room like a tornado that flattens everything in its path before dissipating to eerie stillness.



Tom stares at Jared as he slips inside but Jared doesn’t meet his eyes. He feels Tom’s condescending gaze burning into his back as he slinks into the back row. Looking forward he sees a few eyes upon him. The door opening must have led some to believe that Tom and Jensen were coming in. He sees everyone turn back in disappointment. Donna and Brittany are in the first row. Josh is standing near the judge, waiting for Jensen. He is Jensen’s best man. There’s another man standing on the other side but Jared doesn’t recognize him. Must be a friend of Tom’s. Jared knows that all of Tom’s family shunned him. He still can’t imagine what that feels like. He’s lost his entire family. He wonders if it feels like that. Except his family didn’t want to leave him. His mother fought so hard for so long. Jared heard her crying. Heard her say she didn’t want to go.

When she was gone his father had pretty much fallen apart. Jared took care of him best he could. But it wasn’t the same. He could never replace Momma. His poppa had tried after that. Tried to make up for their loss. Tried to be patient. He hardly ever lost his temper. Jared remembers the time he did. It was a month or so after his mother’s passing. Jared didn’t remember now what they were doing but something came up that his momma loved and for a second his father had forgotten. Had told Jared he should go get her because … And then he stopped.

He’d looked at Jared and after a moment his eyes got hard. Frozen on Jared. “Dammit, don’t you feel it?!” he’d yelled. “Don’t you realize she’s gone forever? That we’re never going to hear her laugh again? You just sit there looking the same. Always the damn same! She said it wasn’t so. That inside you were filled with colors and starbursts and that it was just invisible to us. But what if she was wrong and this is all there is?”

Jared had looked at his poppa and apologized that day not knowing for what, like he had a million times before. Only that seemed to hurt his father even more. The older man had cried and apologized back like his heart was breaking. Jared allowed his father to squeeze him much too tight and forced back the nausea that brought. After that he worked even harder with his therapists, fighting to become really good at every trick in the book. So that he could be what his father wanted. What everyone wanted. And in time, it got better, back to normal. His poppa understood him better than anyone and would even call him on it sometimes when he realized that Jared was faking it. Told him to be honest. Be himself because it didn’t mean anything if it wasn’t true.

The door opens and Jared stares straight ahead as Tom and Jensen pass by slowly. He feels Jen’s eyes on him. Like they are pleading but Jared doesn’t know what the other man is asking. He hopes it’s not some sort of illicit friends with benefits arrangement because Jared just isn’t equipped to handle that. Except the weird question in the bathroom didn’t feel like Jensen was asking for that. It felt like Jensen was working extra hard to break Jared’s heart.

The music stops when they reach the judge. He’s a middle-aged Hispanic man wearing a sharp dark suit, he’s smiling broadly and looks over the grooms and the crowd with a slight nod. “Dear family and friends of Tom and Jensen, I want to welcome you on this historic day to share in the marriage of these great friends, leaders, and spokespeople for those who for a long time have been voiceless. Today is the day that they will formally and publicly make their promises to one another. Although this is indeed a high point, marriage is a journey not a destination. Marriage is more than any one single event or promise. It is a series of decisions that have been made, and will continue to be made over and over again, every day, that shows their care and concern for the one whom they each love most in the world.”

Jensen turns his head then, eyes spanning the crowd, he twitches in place until his eyes land on Jared and then he seems to exhale. Tom coughs and Jensen faces forward once more.

The judge continues, “From trauma to struggle to success and triumph these men have persevered in the face of obstacles and stood tall for their convictions.” He stops and looks up. “And in the case of Tom, quite tall.” There’s an appreciative murmur of amusement from the crowd. Jared just feels empty.

Jensen has twisted his neck and is looking at Jared again. Jared blinks and notices a few others turning around to see what Jensen keeps staring at. It makes Jared squirm uncomfortably. What does Jensen want? He bites his lower lip to keep from speaking aloud.

“I have been asked by Tom and Jensen to thank you all for being here with them today, and for supporting them through everything that it has taken to make this day a reality. They know that your taking the time and making the journey took considerable effort for a good many of you and they wanted you all to know the deep appreciation and gratitude that they feel in their hearts for this. All of the time, and conversations that you have had with them, even before they met, have helped to make them who they needed to be to first find themselves and then each other. You have shared in their best and their worst days, and you are an irreplaceable part of their lives.”

Tom and Jensen both turn at that and smile at the guests. Jensen’s eyes lock with Jared’s again. This time Jared looks back, tries to see what Jensen is trying to tell him. It feels more like Jensen is asking something, only Jared doesn’t know the question. As always the silent language of human bodies is evading him. He lets the frustration flush through him and pulls at his tie slightly when its tightness threatens to choke. He loves Jensen. He’d do anything for him. Including sitting here watching him bond his life to another’s just because his friend asked him to. What more can he want?

Smiling, the judge draws everyone’s attention back to him with the simple words, “Now let us begin. When you accepted Tom and Jensen’s invitation to join them here today, you accepted also a very special responsibility and role in their lives. By asking you to bear witness to all that is in their hearts, they share with you precious memories and a knowledge of why and how all is so right for them.” He pauses and waits a moment for Jensen to once more face forward. “Jensen, Tom, please face each other.”

Jensen is in profile now. Jared remembers when he first noticed the perfection of Jensen’s profile, the slight curve of his nose that should have marred but only enhanced. The strong jut of his chin and cut jawline. He’d stopped by Sandy’s desk after delivering the mail and blurted out, “Your boss is the handsomest man in the world.”

She’d laughed. “Yeah, he’s a hottie.” She’d eyed him consideringly. “He your type, Jare?”

“I don’t have a type,” he answered honestly.

“But you think he’s hot?”

“No, I think he’s beautiful.”

The judge’s voice gets a little louder or maybe it just seems that way to Jared. “Tom, do you take Jensen to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part?”

Tom’s voice is rock steady. “I do.”

Jared knows what’s next. He hears the start of the judge’s question to Jensen and feels the air rush out of his lungs as if he’d been thrown out an airlock. He stumbles up, hands scrambling to whip off his tie. The chair scrapes backward making a hard clack against the back wall. “Sorry,” he mumbles to no one before running out.



Jensen listens to the judge’s words about marriage. He wonders if this is what Jared meant about human expressions being a foreign language. Because nothing makes sense. It’s only sound. Tom nudges him to face the guests and he realizes that the judge must have said something to warrant that. He must have thanked them. They discussed this, he remembers now. Tom asked that their guests be thanked explicitly. Something about good PR. His eyes go to the only guest he sees. It’s like he’s in this tunnel with Tom on one end and Jared on the other and his vision can only bounce between these two men.

Even sitting Jared stands so tall and his posture is rigid. He’s proud and loyal. And so excruciatingly beautiful it almost hurts to look at him. Jensen can’t take his eyes off Jared and it’s only Tom’s slight huff that breaks his focus. He knows it’s only moments before tears will leak out. He wants to swipe at his face, feels himself redden, his throat tighten until swallowing is impossible. The tie is choking like a noose. He looks sideways and sees his brother, sees Josh, eyes puzzled but warm. Reaching out to him silently in a what’s wrong signal. He wants to be ten again and have his older brother take care of him. Take care of the boy that stole his lunch by just standing there and looking menacing and saying don’t mess with my kid brother. He wants his daddy back. The one that read to him at night and pulled out his guitar when they were alone and let Jensen pluck a few strings. It was their special thing. He said Jensen had potential. Told him he’d get him lessons one day. A day that never came.

Tom says, “I do.” Loudly in his deep, rich voice. Jensen likes Tom’s voice. It was a beacon when the world had dimmed. When every man he’d loved had told him he wasn’t good enough. Except what Tom just promised he doesn’t mean. And all Jensen hears is a lie. Another man who can’t love him.

The judge continues and Jensen knows the words are being addressed to him. The sounds are like random musical notes now, they undulate higher and lower. They have feeling but no meaning.

It’s silent.

Jensen stands in the black of the tunnel and he can’t see either end now. He’s surrounded on all sides. Buried alive.

“I … what?“ he breathes out.

The judge laughs. It’s slightly broken and anxious. “Happens, son. No worries. I’ll just repeat it, okay?”

Except Jensen doesn’t really need it repeated. He knows the question and he knows the answer. He only has to be brave enough now to get the word out.

Jensen meets Tom’s eyes in a final search. Steel blue stares back. Confident, sure, proud. Jensen thinks I’m sorry to Tom. He might even mouth it. Even though it’s practically meaningless because what he’s about to do is unforgiveable. He turns and faces the judge directly.

The judge takes Jensen’s gaze as a signal to begin anew and his speech speeds up. “Jensen, do you take Tom to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part?”

“I … “ Jensen looks at Tom once more. He’s staring back puzzled, a little annoyed, trying to rein it in. It’s quintessential Tom. Jensen will always love Tom. But he’s not in love with him. He’ll never be in love with him. They fought for this. For so much more than a legal document. Dad, maybe I’ll never make you proud. But I can at least respect myself as much as I wish you could. “I’m sorry,” he says voice clear, and Tom’s eyes widen. “I can’t.” His voice strengthens even further. “I won’t.”

The crowd murmurs in a wild ripple. Cameras flash madly from behind the cordoned off press section. Tom’s eyes darken in fury. “Jensen.”

“I’m sorry, Tom. I can’t marry you. I shouldn’t have said yes. What we fought for. That was real. How we were using it … it wasn’t. Same sex couples have the right to marry in this state now. And that’s so much more than legal rights, no matter how important those are. If it were only about the legal rights then we didn’t need to fight for marriage.” He laughs and it’s bitter. “Hell. Truth is I didn’t believe in marriage. And neither of us had a clue as to what love is. Except now I … “

He’s met with wrath. “You fucking can’t-“

“Wait.” A hand cups his shoulder and Josh’s eyes lock with Jensen’s. His big brother takes a step closer and Jensen worries he’ll see disappointment. Again. Josh puts a hand out to stop Tom. “Give us a minute.” He leans into Jensen, turning him away from everyone, away from his furious fiancé.

“The day you came out, Dad and I acted like assholes. I was wrong, Jensen. So wrong. And I’m so sorry. Dad’s a bigot and a jerk and living only to prove him wrong was costing you too much. I know you’ve been fighting to prove yourself since you were a teenager. But it’s your life. And I’m behind you on this - one hundred percent. Like I should have had your back from day one.” His brother pauses, leans up and kisses Jensen’s temple. “I only want you happy.”

For a moment it’s impossible to see past the water filling his eyes. He tries to smile to show Josh how much this means to him. A quick movement catches his attention and he turns in time to see Tom stalking rapidly to a side exit away from them and the ever growing camera flashes. Jensen ignores Tom for now and searches the back row, desperate only to see one face. The only one that matters.

But Jared is gone.

Jensen races up the aisle. His mother tries to stop him. Brittany touches the older woman’s arm and says, “Let him go.”

He dashes out the door, leaving a cacophony of shocked sounds behind him. He doesn’t care. He’s shouting Jared’s name as soon as he exits the hall, head spinning frantically. But he doesn’t see him. No. God no.

Reporters are in Jensen’s face throwing questions at him. “No comment,” he spits out automatically.

He races to the steps and descends the staircase to the hotel’s lobby. His eyes are darting around the dark wood and rich furniture. There. In a shadowy corner he spots a swatch of chestnut hair.

“Jared,” he yells again. Eyes stare at him from the front desk but he ignores everyone who’s not Jared.

“Jensen.” Jared stands. His face is tear tracked and his eyes red-rimmed. He sniffs and swipes at his eyes and then his hair, which is no longer as slicked back perfect as it had been.

“I answered my own question.” Jared doesn’t say anything. Nods but Jensen knows he doesn’t understand. “You can just always love someone.”

He reaches to pull Jared down and presses their lips together briefly but Jared shoves him back hard. “What the hell? Do you not know me at all?! How could you think I’d want that after-? Maybe if I get lonely enough I’ll go fuck a stranger. But not you. Not going to happen.”

Jensen has never seen Jared furious like this. He fights a flutter of anxiety that it’s too late. Knows he has to explain, defuse, and fast. “I said no.”

Jared is breathing hard, he’s wiped his mouth repeatedly and Jensen doesn’t like that. He has to make Jared understand. He tries again. “Jared, I didn’t marry Tom.”

The words register slowly. “What?”

Jensen exhales at the shocked hope in Jared’s eyes. “The judge asked. I answered no. No, I don’t take Tom to be my husband. No, I don’t want to marry him. Can’t. Not when I’m in love with someone else.”

Jared staggers a step back. He stares at Jensen hard, which throws Jensen because it’s unusual.

“You hurt me.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. I can’t even promise not to do it again because it’s gonna take more than one epiphany to get my head on straight. But I’m gonna promise you the truth. Always. Is that enough?”

“I love you,” Jared answers with that nakedness that Jensen can feel down to his soul.

He reaches up again because he has to touch. “I love you, too,” he whispers into Jared’s mouth. Their lips part and meet on a sigh. He lets himself taste the sweetness of Jared’s lips, tongues dancing slowly around each other’s. It’s sunshine and apple pie. It’s truth and it fills him like he’s bathing in nectar. Sweet, rich, clingy.

A babble of voices penetrate Jensen’s bubble of perfection. Cameras are flashing and they are both suddenly pushed backward by one hundred pounds of sheer female exuberance. “Jay, Jensen … I have a car waiting outside. Go. Now.”

Jensen grabs Jared’s hand and they race out of the hotel. Sandy follows. She leads them around the corner to where a private cab awaits. “Sandy … “ Jensen begins. “Is Tom … ?”

“He’s pissed. But you know him. This will get his face plastered everywhere. First gay groom to get runaway brided.” She smiles broadly before her face turns serious again. “You should have called it off sooner.” Jensen accepts this. It’s true. “But you did it in time.”

Jay takes Sandy’s hand. “He loves me,” he tells her. His face is wondrous.

Sandy beams back at him. “Of course he does! I told you that. It was never about that.” She pulls open the car door. “Now go. I’ll hold off the hounds.”

“Tell my mom and brother I’ll be at Jared’s. Have them come there.” He turns to Jared. “Is that okay?”

“Of course it’s okay. I like your family. Well, except for your dad because he’s an idiot.”

Jensen startles at the bluntness although he should be used to it. “Tell it like it is, Jay.”

But Jared doesn’t get the attempted humor. “Okay. Only an idiot would not love you.”

Sandy’s eyes meet his, moist and caring. “Thank you,” Jensen tells her. It’s nowhere near enough but it’s all he has to offer.

She nods once and kisses both their cheeks before shutting the door behind them.

“Let’s go home,” he whispers to Jared who continues to gaze at him. His gorgeous hazel eyes well up and his best friend is more emotionally open than Jensen has ever seen him. It’s slightly scary and very humbling.

“Did you know there’s someone buried on the moon?”

Jensen can’t help but smile. He reaches up to tuck a strand of stray hair behind Jared’s ear. “Nope. I didn’t know that.”

“Mmm,” Jared begins. “Dr. Eugene Shoemaker. He’s the geologist that trained the Apollo mission astronauts about what to look for on the moon. He wanted to go on a mission but he couldn’t because of medical issues. They placed his ashes on the Lunar Prospector and launched it in 1998. It crashed into a crater in an effort to determine if there’s water on the moon. Anyway, that’s his final resting place.”

“Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“Nothing. I … just … I love you.”

He’s met with a dimpled smile that would light up the dark side of the moon.



They pull up in front of Jared’s building and ride up together quietly. Jensen stands in front of the Earthrise print and Jared comes up behind him. He wraps his arms around Jensen’s waist and pulls them together. It’s still shocking. How they’ve come to be here. How Jensen could be his. “Jensen,“ he begins because he has to know. Because it’s either true or it’s not real. “Could I really be enough?”

Jensen squeezes Jared’s arm where it sits across his belly. Then he turns and meets his eyes. Startling green and filled with emotion. There’s no way Jared can read what’s there. It’s too much.

“Jay … when I was little my dad would read me stories. One was about a bunny.” Jensen squirms and Jared can sense that he’s embarrassed. Once more he’s surprised at how much he can tell about Jensen without words. He squeezes Jensen gently in encouragement. “The little bunny would ask his father how much he loves him and each time his father answered it got bigger.”

Jared feels his eyes fill again. He hasn’t cried this much since he was a little boy. He knows that book. His poppa read it to him, too. “To the moon and back,” he squeaks out through a throat tight enough to hurt.

“Is that enough?” Jensen asks.

Jared dips into a kiss. It’s salty and more wonderful than he knew possible. “Don’t know … it’s a big solar system,” he answers when his vocal cords can work again.

“Pluto and back?”

The gleam in Jensen’s eyes reminds Jared of the North Star. “Pluto’s been demoted. Only a sub-planet now.”

“What?” Jensen steps back. “No man, that’s just wrong.”

Jared giggles but then he wants to be sure he answers because maybe Jensen meant more than what he asked. “To the beginning of the universe and back.”

It takes a second but Jared can see Jensen figuring it out. “That’s kinda forever.”

Jared decides to try it the NT way and let his eyes answer. And damn if Jensen doesn’t seem to understand because his eyes glow even brighter and his smile explodes like a super nova and Jared just has to start kissing him all over again.

Kissing Jensen is Jared’s new favorite thing. It’s better than watching Apollo 13. It’s even better than looking at a full moon with a telescope. He tells Jensen that.

“Yeah? You like my mouth?”

Jensen’s voice is thick, like he swallowed honey. Jared feels his knees wobble. While they were still in the cab, Jensen’s mother called them and said they were going to head to the hotel first to change. She said not to expect them for several hours. And she said she’d call again before they headed out. Jared thinks she was trying to give them privacy.

He appreciates that, but he’s also scared. He’s never done anything like this before. “Like what?” Jensen asks, lips trailing down Jared’s neck, sucking on his skin until Jared feels a twinge of pain laced with pleasure.

“Everything,” he murmurs into Jensen’s mouth. “It’s like nothing else. You are like nothing else.”

Jensen practically growls in his ear. “How long she say we have?”

“About three hours.”

He pulls back and meets Jared’s stare dead on. “Trust me? I just want to make you feel good.”

He’s kissed again before he can answer. Jensen’s tongue dances in his mouth and the slow, tickling pressure is filling his dick like there’s a direct wire between his lips and his lower body. He chuckles slightly. “You left good a few stations behind. I already feel amazing. Is kissing always like this?”

Jensen takes a last nip. “Only with you. Let me kiss you, Jared. All of you.”

He can’t say no even if he is still scared. Jensen instinctively knows how to calm as he steers him slowly into Jared’s bedroom. “As much as you want and no more.”

“I want you.”

“That you have. I’m yours. And this … is absolutely only the beginning.”

And like that Jared’s fears start to melt. Clothes slip off and Jared thinks it should be odd all this touching, groping. He worries he’ll freak out and get queasy but it doesn’t happen. Jensen’s body is tight and lean with a gorgeously muscled back that Jared wants to spend hours worshipping. He starts doing that. Turning him over on the bed and running his fingers down. Jensen giggles when he touches his sides and Jared stores that tidbit for the future. His ass is round and gorgeous and Jared thinks he could come from just looking at it.

Jensen flips back over and it’s even better being able to look at his beautiful face, open and flushed and slightly panting as he reaches up to kiss Jared again. “Jesus, Jay … “ Jensen runs his hand down Jared’s chest. All those hours in the gym and Jared can’t help but feel a little proud at Jensen’s obvious admiration. A grip squeezes his cock and Jared nearly stops breathing. No other man has ever touched him like that before. He falls partly to his side but thrusts into Jensen’s fist as the heat flares through him.

“Fuck, that’s so good.”

Jensen smiles at him and kisses him again. It’s sloppy and their teeth clash as their noses collide and Jared decides that this must be what free-falling in zero-G must be like. He reaches down and takes Jensen’s dick in his hand. It’s slightly smaller than his own but a little wider and he rubs the sticky liquid leaking from the head around his fingers. “Is this okay?”

“Anything.” Jensen’s voice sounds wrecked. Like he ran a marathon. “Anything you want.”

After that there’s only grinding and thrusting and a race reaching toward each other, gripping tighter, faster. Matching rhythms with the thumping in their chests and the panting of their breaths. Jared has never been closer to another person. Either physically or emotionally. It’s too much and not enough and so very human. His eyes are filling and it take a second to know what’s going on beyond the incredible release soaring through his body. Jensen’s hips piston into his clenched fist and Jared feels wet heat against his hand.

Jensen wipes his hand on the sheets and brings his hands to cup Jared’s face, thumb wiping at the moisture there. “What?” he breathes into Jared’s mouth, lips grazing gently against his own before pulling back to gaze at him in obvious adoration.

“I feel like I belong. Here. On the planet. With you. And … he was right. I can see you.”

“Jay … “ Jensen’s eyes well up and he swallows hard before continuing. “I love you.”

“I love you.” Jared kisses Jensen lightly before lifting up to look at his bedside clock over Jensen’s shoulder. “Hey … there’s still some time.”

Jensen’s smile turns into a full on leer. “Yeah? For what?”

“More kissing?” He loses confidence a moment as the reminder of his inexperience once more rears its head.

But Jensen again seems to read his mind. “Kissing sounds perfect. I will never, ever not want to kiss you.”

The wind blows his curtain open just then and a sliver of street light makes Jensen’s skin glow. It’s not moonlight but it could be given the flash of brightness. “The moon was full about a week and a half ago.”

Jensen’s attention centers and Jared can sense he’s waiting.

“I could see it out that window,” Jared points toward it with his chin. “Not from the bed, but standing in front of it. And I was wondering where you were. Because we were sharing it.”

“I was too busy being self-absorbed to see the moon. At war with myself. Next full moon, we’ll share it. I promise.”

“No. You don’t understand. Whether you looked at it or not. It was there. When it’s full, it looks exactly the same for everyone -- on both hemispheres. Like a constant. Balancing us and our planet. We will always share it because we always have.”

Jensen looks at him only this time Jared is having trouble reading his face. He’s pulled into a hug and it should be too tight and weird but it’s not. “How do you do that? Make me fall in love with you more with every breath?”



The day after the wedding Jensen is back in his office. Sandy is screening calls and since he isn’t scheduled to be at work his calendar is clear. Jared has stayed with him and took a seat on the opposite side of his desk. He’s immeasurably grateful for Jared’s gentle presence.

Sandy tried to talk Jensen into going to Puerto Rico and leaving the mess behind him. His mother suggested it, too. Jared, of course, bluntly told him the truth.

“You need to talk to Tom.”

And that was the simple truth. There was no going anywhere until that happened.

There are three messages on his voice mail from Tom and Jensen listens, growing paler with each one. He’s just hung up.

“He’s mad at you,” Jared states without judgment.

“Livid.”

“You shouldn’t have said yes. But … I understand.”

Jensen looks up at this. Last night had felt like a dream. After telling Jensen that one and only time how much Jensen had hurt him, Jared had simply dropped it.

Jensen’d asked why. Had pushed because in his stupid NT way he thought maybe Jared was holding back anger. Was repressing it or something.

“You’re not going to marry someone else again to make a political point, are you?”

“No, of course not.”

And it really had been as simple as that. When he lets himself think about Jared and how giving, how special, how incredible he is, it’s just about impossible to not get emotional.

After Jensen’s mom called to say they were on their way, Jensen asked Jared again if it was okay for them all to descend upon him, take up his space. He knew it was selfish but he had to know his family really was okay with what he’d just done. Jared smiled at him and said Jensen’s family would always be welcome.

Jared made them grilled cheese sandwiches and tall glasses of chocolate milk. Josh took one sip and looked like he’d died and gone to heaven. Brittany had giggled like a child and his mother licked at her chocolate mustache with obvious delight. Later his mother pulled Jensen aside and whispered he’s wonderful into his ear. Then she said, “I’m so proud of you.”

Jared shared many Apollo adventure stories. The missions weren’t nearly as safe or boring or routine as many folks thought. Josh took to them like he was reading comics again at twelve.

Jensen watched with delight and at one point his eyes met Jared’s and his breath caught as his lover’s face broke into a beam so bright it nearly blinded.

“It’s really nice having family around this table again.”

Speechless, Jensen squeezed Jared’s hand beneath his and hoped the gesture conveyed the love that couldn’t stop growing in his heart.

Sandy had shown up a little later, bringing a section of wedding cake she’d nabbed from the abandoned reception. Jensen wondered if it was wrong to eat it but Sandy said they might as well since Jensen already paid for it. Even with Sandy’s approval, Jensen had looked at Jared to see if he minded. Jared’s face seemed closed to him though.

He asked Sandy to excuse them and asked Jared to stay in the kitchen to speak with him privately. Sandy disappeared into the dining room where the others sat.

“I don’t want to remind you of anything hurtful,” he told Jared.

“It’s just cake.” Jared uncharacteristically took Jensen’s hand in his and squeezed. “There was no wedding.”

Jared poured so much into those four words. Which is why Jared saying now he understands about Jensen saying yes to Tom’s wedding proposal makes no sense. “I don’t understand,” he replies. “How can you … you said yourself it was wrong to agree.”

“I’m a pretty straightforward guy.” Jensen continues to stare, he can’t disagree with that. “Yet … I also said yes to something I didn’t want to do.” Jensen can’t help but continue to look at him questioningly. Jared practically rolls his eyes. “I agreed to come watch you get married. Even though it was breaking my heart. Sometimes we do stupid things.”

Jensen stands and walks around his desk to Jared’s side. “Why did you say yes to me?”

“Because you said you needed me there.”

He’s about to try to respond to that naked comment when the door bursts open.

“Of course. Shoulda guessed Andre’d be here.” Tom turns on Jared with a vengeance. “You play dumb but you are so far from it. What’s in it for you, eh, mail room guy? The money? Got some draft of the great American novel hidden in your closet. Delusions of publishing grandeur?”

Jensen’s in Tom’s face in a flash. “Don’t you speak to him like that.”

Tom shoves back and the heat between them boils. “How fucking dare you?! I made your goddamn career. You’d still be crying for Daddy if it weren’t for me. We had a deal. An arrangement. How could you embarrass me like that in front of all that media?”

Jared is now standing next to him and Jensen feels a firm hand on his back. It grounds him. “You’re right we had an arrangement. And I thought I could live with it. Thought that was all I’d ever get. Maybe I never stopped crying for my father. Maybe I never will. But at least I can still cry.” He moved closer to his one-time closest friend. “Tom, what about you? When will you ever let it go?”

Tom flushes and his breath whooshes out. He swipes his hand through his hair and looks back and forth between Jensen and Jared. “When I can stop closing my eyes and still feel the zap where they shocked my dick every time a guy excited me. When the nightmares fucking stop. When the scars on my back magically disappear. When no boy ever feels like I did again. That’s when I’ll let it go.”

Jensen thinks that it’s only Jared’s arm tightening around his waist that’s holding him up. He knows what Tom’s scars look like and the thought that he added to them even a little is twisting him up inside.

Tom’s shoulders slump, like this exchange has drained him just as much. “Do you love him?” Tom’s voice is barely a whisper.

He meets his friend’s eyes straight on. “Yes.”

“Should have told me that.”

“I know.” He doesn’t bother to apologize again.

Jared’s soft voice surprises them both. “I don’t want Jensen’s money. Don’t need it. I have more than him anyway. And I certainly don’t want him to publish anything of mine.”

Tom’s face twists. “You aren’t from around here, are you?”

“Used to be from another planet,” Jared says matter-of-factly.

Tom actually laughs. “Yeah well, unfortunately, I gotta go deal with the press on this planet.” He turns back to Jensen. “The wedding … “ the word comes out bitter. “Is on you. Coulda called it off in time to get our deposits back. Your fault.”

Jensen nods. Tom looks back to Jared. “What do you want with him?”

“He makes my heart smile.”

Tom doesn’t say anything. After a long, silent moment of nothing but breathing he looks between them once more. “I expect an invite.”

“Just you. No reporters.”

“Party pooper.”

“Always was the shy one.”

Tom nods in agreement. “Yeah. Were is more like it. Never seen so many damn flashes go off at once.” He glances up at Jared. “Jolly’s many things but shy isn’t one of them. Gonna be interesting.”

Jensen’s eyes gleam. “I hope so.”

Tom leaves without another word. Jared immediately grabs Jensen’s upper arms. “You okay?”

Jensen looks from the closed office door back into Jared’s amazing eyes. “Yes. Because you’re still here.”

A smile tilts Jared’s lips and brings out his dimples. “Best friends are always there for each other.”

Jensen’s heart flips in his chest. Their eyes meet again and hold for a long while despite Jared’s stated discomfort with that and Jensen knows Jared has to be puzzled at the fact that there are inexplicable tears falling from Jensen’s eyes. Jared brushes his cheeks and instantly looks concerned.

“Someone really smart told me that I should marry my best friend.” Jared lets out a breathy gasp. Jensen’s stunned his friend speechless. That’s okay, because he already knows the answer. At least to that question. “But you are wrong about something.”

Jared’s brows crunch together adorably in inquiry.

“I’m definitely going to publish something of yours.”

fin

To Starshine (a One Small Step timestamp)

To Neil Armstrong and the Wicked Witch of the West (a One Small Step timestamp)

To Songmix and Author's Notes

To Master Post