Oh yeah.. how about a late night rant?
Alright... so I keep going through these periods of feeling like a complete failure. I feel like I have wasted my life. I am sure it's just my dad beating me over the head with the "You Suck" book, but it's starting to take some root in here.
I really feel like I truly do not know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I have many interests, but no causes. I am good at most everything, but I excel at nothing. I'm one of those "jack of all trades" people. I am a "good" masseuse. I am a "good" cook. I am "good" when it comes to listening to my friends' problems. I am "good" at kung fu. I am "good" at English. I am a "good" writer. But, does that mean that I can make a career out of being a professional masseuse? Or a chef? Or a counselor? Or a kung fu instructor? An English professor? An author? No. I don't feel like I am good enough at any of these things. And so, I sit in limbo because I am afraid of making the wrong decision concerning the rest of my life. But, all of a sudden I realize, I have been afraid of making a decision for like seven years now. Seven years I have blown. I just can't seem to focus. And I tend to lose interest easily. So freaking easily. I am so scared that I am going to be thirty and in the same place.
But, I just don't know what to do. I have no focus. I have my current stasis, a supportive mother and sister, friends, and of course, my Adrienne. I should feel good about that. And I do, don't get me wrong. But, I feel so useless. I feel like such a failure. I feel like my mom or my dad talk about me and are like, "yeah, well, Kelley's not in school and she's worked at the same worthless, dead end job for eight years..." when other people are talking about their childrens' accomplishments. I feel like I haven't done anything but be an embarassment to them. Dad keeps saying, "I just want you to graduate before I die."
I can't get any of my goals accomplished. I have no motivation. I don't know where to get that. I was doing really well with the diet thing after Wendy and I broke up. I was so upset, I didn't want to eat. And amazingly, when you don't eat, you start to lose weight. Then, I started on Strattera, an ADD medicine (the first non-stimulant). So, for whatever friggin reason, that didn't work. I had every single side effect you could have from that. It was terrible. I couldn't sleep, I wasn't hungry (which that of course was good with the weight loss goal), I couldn't exercise because it would make me sick at my stomach. So, they took me off that. And, I refuse the other stimulant ADD medicines. So, again with the lack of focus. My anti-depressants help somewhat. But, the main thing they do is keep me more even.
Like before I started on them, I would have more mood swings. But, now, they keep me more balanced. Which is good. I don't have as many blatantly happy times, but then I don't have as many horrible, I want to kill myself times either. I just kind of stay fairly level in the "blah" area. I'm one of those people who actually is quite happy with being "comfortably numb." Ahh well...
So, basically, I need focus. I need motivation. And I really have no idea where to start. I think that's the most frustrating thing of all. I can't even figure out where to start. And I just want my parents to be proud of me and happy for me. I want to know what I want to do with the rest of my life. Why in the hell can't I figure that out? Why do I have to sit here and be a worthless lump. I feel like I am not doing anything to help my fellow man. I want to give back. I want to do things. I just can't seem to figure out what or how. *sigh* I'm thinking about having them up my meds again. Blah.
signed affectionately,
One Who Beats Head on Wall