Alien Anatomy, Part Three
Part One Part Two
9.
Spock finds, that without any attempt on his part, he has a new standard routine. While he was previously alone the majority of the time, he now finds himself often with company.
This feeling of being invited is new to him and he finds himself at times overwhelmed and in need of quiet.
Spock goes shopping for Terran civilian clothing as he finds his current wardrobe of Starfleet uniforms and Vulcan formal wear to now be inappropriate outside of classes.
He has a hard time finding items that fit him correctly. He finds a majority of Terran clothing to be too flimsy and soft. Too revealing. Too colorful.
On many occasions he ends up with a compromise, Terran shirts with stiff Vulcan pants and his ever present gloves and Vulcan boots.
While in the market he finds a small pair of silver ear rings of a Swahili design that he believes Nyota will enjoy. He purchases them for her. She now wears them frequently and Spock is glad that he is able to contribute something to her person of which she is fond.
This is the aspect of human friendship he had previously not been able to understand - as he was only a witness, not a participant - this give and take.
It is somehow more than he thought it would be.
He finds the young Russian, Chekhov to be an adequate study partner with an equal mind for mathematics and science.
Gaila is attempting to teach Spock how to dance. (with uncertain results, although she is not deterred and seems to be positive about the overall outcome.)
Jim sees Spock reading a Terran novel off of his data padd. The next day he presents Spock with a small wrapped gift.
“This paper covering serves no purpose. It is a waste to simply tear it into trash after serving no function.”
Jim rolls his eyes. “It is part of human gift giving. Just be a good Vulcan and participate.”
Spock carefully un-tapes each edge and avoids making any creases to the paper. He silently admonishes himself for not following the proper procall when he presented Nyota with a present and makes a mental note to adjust his behavior in the future.
His efforts reveal an antique Terran novel made out of cloth and paper.
The book is titled A Hitchhiker Guide to the Galaxy. "You need more comedy in your life." He shrugs. “It belonged to my Father.”
"I can not accept something so valuable."
"I have tons of them. He was a bit of a hoarder, collector, whatever. I am not going to be able to bring them all into space with me. I'd rather you have it."
“Is this collection of literature not available on padd?” Spock asks.
“Trust me, it’s much better this way,” He pauses.
"Better is vague."
When Spock returns home that evening he displays the colorful gift paper on his wall above his meditation mat. He uses the small blue stars as points of focus on days when his mental balance is precarious and he is in need of aid.
10.
Spock fails the Kobayashi Maru.
Spock knows that it is not possible to succeed at the Kobayashi Maru so to expect any outcome other than simulated death would be illogical.
He takes the test step by step choosing each command carefully and weighing each option to its fullest and most logical conclusion.
In the end lights are flashing and alarms are blaring and it is clear that there are no further options available and no way to save his crew.
The rational part of Spock’s mind knows that they are safe in a Starfleet training facility but there is a part of him that is certain he is about to die.
He has felt this same feeling before.
He takes deep, almost meditative breaths to keep the terror from crawling through his chest in order to finish the simulation and be excused.
He is not confident that he will someday be one of Starfleet’s greatest captains. Nor is he confident that he can live up to his promise to Pike on his continuing emotional improvements.
Spock barely makes it back to his dorm room. He fights to stay conscious on the turbolift. Each and every breath is it’s own struggle.
He slides to his knees as soon as the door is closed behind him and he is safe in the apartment. His body crumples in half. He is no longer aware of what is happening around him.
Fingertips press into his side under his arm and then slide downward across his ribs, hand over his heart.
A hypo hisses and stings against his neck.
“Just fucking breathe,” a gruff whisper near his ear.
McCoy takes his temperature and feels his pulse again.
“Don’t worry, the hypo is just a Vulcan respiratory aid. You have had it before with no reactions.”
Spocks lungs fill with air and the room is soon crisp and solid once again.
“You have researched Vulcan anatomy and healing methods.”
“Yeah, well, turns out the alien anatomy and first aid training here completely sucks. I’m the best fucking doctor in Starfleet, if I can’t keep my own roommate alive then I might as well give up now.”
“I was under the impression that you did not like me.”
“I don’t like anyone.”
“You like Jim.”
“Least all of Jim,” McCoy says with a smile.
“You knew I was not allergic to the hypo.”
“About that....”
“Jim hacked into my medical file.”
“How do you know?”
“He has also erased all of his own records.”
Spock lifts one eyebrow.
McCoy smiles.
“It was my idea. And he didn’t give me the whole thing. Huge portions of it are blacked out and he kept it that way. I just do not want to be helpless again.”
Spock nods. “Nor do I.”
11.
“I would like to ask you a question of a sexual nature.”
Jim's hand slips on the tricorder that he has in pieces on his desk. He cuts his finger.
“Shit.” He sucks the drops of blood into his mouth. “You gotta warm up to that or something. Ok, shoot.”
“I do not have a phaser.”
“Ask your sexual question.”
“Do you enjoy being anally penetrated?”
Jim laughs, somewhat nervously.
“Wow. Uh. Okay. Uh. Yes I do...”
“I have been doing research in regards to a successful emotional and sexual relationship with a human male and the act of anal penetration seems illogical to me. Can you please elaborate?”
“Jesus. Spock, are you even gay?”
“This line of questioning would be illogical if I were not romantically interested in men.”
“What about Uhura?”
“I do not understand your meaning.”
“I mean. Does she know that you’re gay? Did you guys break up? I just saw her yesterday and everything seemed fine. She already hates me as it is, if I fucked her boyfriend.....”
“I do not plan on engaging in sexual congress with you at this time. Uhura and I are not romantically involved, nor have we ever been.”
“Does she know that?”
“What?”
“I mean, it I really thought you guys were dating. Everyone does. And she seems totally into you.”
“I do not understand how it is possible that Uhura and I are in a romantic relationship without my knowledge or consent, while you Gaila frequently engage in sexual congress and are only friends.”
“Um. Well, I don’t know. You are together all the time. You have secrets. You pay for her drinks and buy her gifts. I mean, you are pretty much dating her.”
“By those qualifications you and I are also currently engaged in a romantic relationship. And I believe also yourself and Leonard McCoy.”
“What? Um.. " Jim blushes. "Shit. When did this get so complicated?”
“You claim to have extensive experience in human sexuality. It seemed logical that you would know.”
“The truth is Spock, I have no fucking idea. But, your original question, butt sex is great and I recommend you try it.”
“Noted.”
“Wait, you said you did not plan on engaging in sexual congress with me at this time. Does that mean you plan on it sometime?”
“Goodnight Jim.”
*
“Are you currently under the impression that we are engaged in a romantic relationship?”
Uhura stops eating her plomeek soup. She sets down her spoon and does that sad-smile human face that Spock knows he will never be able to emulate.
“No,” she answers after a moments pause. “I know that we are not. There is a part of me, probably a bigger part than I want to admit, that has hoped for a long time now that we might become something one day, but I know that it not a....logical....thing to wish for.”
Spock nods and continues eating. “I apologize if my behavior has not always been that of only a friend. It has recently been pointed out to me that my actions could be construed as romantic in nature. I was not aware.”
“I know. You have always been honest, Spock.”
“Your friendship has come to mean a great deal to me.”
She smiles. This time it is genuine and warm.
“It is ok if you like him, Spock. I may have said otherwise in the past, but he is not a bad guy.”
“I do not know your meaning.”
“Yes you do.”
12.
Jim Kirk passes the Kobayashi Maru.
This outcome is unexpected. The Kobayashi Maru has a zero percent chance of success.
It is the third time that Jim has attempted the Kobayashi Maru. He failed the first two attempts.
He asks Spock three times if he will serve as his first officer during the simulation. Spock refuses at first having no desire to participate a second time and thinking the entire endeavor concerningly irrational.
Spock finally agrees to go as long as McCoy also attends as one of the bridge crew.
Uhura, Gaila and Chekov fill in the rest of the necessary positions.
Spock fights off anxiety. Remaining calm is just as critical in an emergency situation as knowing the right answers.
The test proceeds normally until the Klingon vessels attack. Jims hands fly over the keyboard at Chekov’s station. He does not deliver any commands.
The entire crew stands in shock as their small simulated ship defeats the warbirds and returns to dock safely.
Jim Kirk passes the Kobayashi Maru.
There is an uproar. Starfleet officials push their way into the room and demand to know how he cheated. People are yelling and accusations fly from one corner to the other.
“You could have at least fucking warned us,” McCoy says, standing next to Jim.
“I didn’t think it would really work.”
McCoy laughs. “You totally knew it would work."
Jim and his test crew are escorted out of the classroom and into Pike's office where they are told to wait.
In the quiet, Spock watches Jim carefully. He is taking deep, slow breaths. Spock recognizes his careful control and his attempts to remain calm.
Jim was scared. Jim did not want to follow in his father’s footsteps. Jim did not want to die and he did not want to leave anyone behind.
This wasn’t about honor. It wasn’t about winning. It was about not giving up and not giving in and ensuring that every single one of them made it home that day, even if it was only pretend.
Jim was scared but he didn’t panic. He just said fuck it. (and Spock now understands that this has nothing to do with fornication, at least this time.)
He knows in this moment that he can trust Jim, with everything.
*
Jim and his entire test crew are brought before a disciplinary committee. It is a real one this time, with real consequences.
“The test is a cheat!,” Jim yells.
“The test is designed to prepare you to face death. To prepare you to be a captain. To prepare you for no-win scenarios.”
“I do not believe in no-win scenarios.”
“I think your father would be surprised to hear you say that.”
Kirk blanches as if slapped. “I do not believe in no-win scenarios.”
The problem is, that while everyone is certain Jim cheated, no one can determine how he did it as he also managed to completely clear the test results as soon as the simulation ended.
There is no way to discern how Jim cheated. There is no record that Jim cheated at all. In fact, there is no record that Jim even took the test a third time.
It is hard to punish someone for something that no one can prove happened. A fact that Jim knew going in to this game.
The admiral leading the investigation turns to Spock as the voice of honesty and reason.
“How is it possible that Cadet Kirk was able to beat the test?”
“It is not logical.”
And, it is not. Because Jim is not logical. Spock keeps the fact that he knows exactly how Kirk beat the test to himself. He does not quite consider it lying.
Jim is released with a second demerit and the rest of his test crew is sent home with nothing but a stern look. They are all banned from ever taking the test again.
Admiral Pike smiles in the back of the room the entire time.
13.
“It was not my father.”
Spock speaks into the silence of the room.
He is sitting on the small gold sofa in Jim’s apartment. Jim is laying across the entire length of the couch. His legs hang over the side and his head rests in Spock’s lap. He is reading one of his antique Terran novels.
Spock likes the wisping sound it makes each time Jim turns the page. Jim says he likes the way they smell.
Jim lays the book on his stomach, words pressing against his person. He is quiet and still.
“There was someone who...someone who burned me. But, it was not my father. I saw the fire and he held you down and I.....There was someone who held me down once and it is a thing that I can not forget.”
Spock counts the rise and fall of Jim’s chest. It reminds him of that night in jail.
Spock tells of an isolated childhood. His voice holds so little emotion it is as if he is narrating the life of a stranger. Telling a simple, inconsequential of someone else.
There once was a small half-alien boy, who was often all alone
All the little Vulcan children battered his spirit to sand and stone.
Spock, the unwilling trailblazer: the first ever human/Vulcan hybrid. The first half Vulcan of any kind; considered by his father’s people to be the first human accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy and the first Vulcan to attend Starfleet by his mother’s.
When Spock meditates he feels as if he is both nothing and everything. Two halves of neither, everything unresolved. Completely unique in his own alien anatomy.
It is lonely.
Spock speaks these words aloud. For the first time he does not feel ashamed.
Jim is unusually silent, as if he knows that once he speaks, Spock will not continue.
Spock is a medical marvel, a novelty, and although created with loving intention, a science experience. He is held up as a great achievement but talked down as not quite whole.
“I only attended the Vulcan Science Academy for one term. There was public concern about whether or not was I fit to attend given the potential weakness of my human mind.
I scored the highest out of any student on the last round of exams in all areas of study. These scores were followed by accusations of academic dishonestly, a serious crime on Vulcan carrying with it great dishonor and harsh punishment.
These accusations were spoken the loudest by a fellow student, Stonn, with whom I have shared conflict the majority of my childhood. His scores would have been the highest had my weak mind not bettered his Vulcan one.
I was also betroved to the female with whom he desired to mate.”
At this Jim’s weight shifts slightly and he makes eye contact with Spock. His brow is slightly lined.
“I am no longer betroved to anyone. It is no longer possible.”
Spock raises his hands and slides off the ever-present black gloves. Only his mother, his father and his doctors have seen what is underneath.
Spocks hands are green and deeply scarred. Flesh melted and reformed into something not quite the same. Jim is surprised that he has the dexterity that he does. The skin looks stiff and malformed.
Jim hold his breath. Spocks gently rest his exposed palms on Jim’s shirt-cover chest. He can both hear and see the lack of movement.
“I was walking home late in the evening when I was approached by Stonn and several of his friends.
They followed me a ways along a desert path. They called out insulting words; belittling my upbringing, my genes, my mother. Stonn said that something so vile should never have been created. That I was not now and would never be Vulcan and the thought of my mating with one was so abhorrent that he would do anything to prevent it.
It....It is hard for me to remember exactly what happened next. They attacked me from behind. Several of them held me down....”
Jim can feel Spock’s entire body trembling.
“I do not if you know anything about Vulcan hands, but they are the center of our telepathy. Our neurosensors are the strongest there. Without our hands we are unable to probably control or shield our telepathy. We are unable to perform a mind meld. Without the full use of my hands I will never be able to form a marital bond or produce Vulcan offstring."
Spock's voice shakes.
"The others held me down and Stonn held my hands into the flame. He must have methodically planned the entire thing. They were waiting for me...
The damage to my telepathic nerves is so severe that were I fully Vulcan I would not be alive.”
“So the thing he hated most about you is the thing that saved you.”
“Indeed.
I have retained some of my touch telepathy but have lost the ability to control it. Skin to skin contact with my hands will result in my reading all of your emotions and surface thoughts. I am more empathic than most Vulcans, more empathic than I was before the injury. I will never be able to form a bond with another.”
That is not true. Fuck anymore who tries to tell you otherwise.”
“Logically, I will not be....
Jim closes the distance still between them and presses his lips against Spock’s. Spock remains tight and stiff under Jim's soft warmth. He does not breath. He does not move. It is chaste and short, but it is everything.
Jim sits back and looks at Spock. He is perfectly still and stoic except for his hands, which are shaking. They betray him.
Spock takes one deep, slow breath and then his hands are in Jim's hair, his lips are coverings Jim’s and his body is pressed completely against him.
This might as well be Jim’s first kiss because nothing has ever felt like this before. He can feel Spock around him so acutely that he can also feel him inside his head. He feels dizzy and the room is edged in strange colors. It almost hurts, but it feels too good.
And then Spock is gone and the door is closing. Jim fights to breath normally.
His head hurts - a dull ache like he has been crying, but he is fairly certain that they are not his tears.
14.
McCoy is fighting with Starfleet to increase the amount of time spent on non-human first aid techniques.
He is presenting his plan before a committee of Admirals, instructors and fellow cadets; all of whom seem bored and uninterested in his arguments.
“We understand your passion here Doctor McCoy, but we do not have the budget for a specialist instructor.”
“I will do it.”
“Classrooms and school hours cost money. We currently have so few non-humans enrolled that I really do not see the point in spending valuable resources on --”
“On spending resources on ensuring that every cadet gets equal medical care in the line of duty?”
“That is not what I am saying.”
“It is what you are saying. Each and every one of us is trained in basic first aid field medicine for a reason. Who here could even figure out how to take Gaila’s pulse? What common Earth medicine are Andorians all allergic to?” McCoy is yelling now. “Where is Spock’s heart!?”
Someone in the back of the room laughs. “Do Vulcan’s even have hearts?”
“I’m fucking serious!” McCoy’s face is red. “Can anyone in this room, besides me, give the correct location of Spock’s heart?”
Kirk raises his arm into the air. He is the only one. The silence is awkward.
“Well, I’m a doctor, not your fucking away mission leader. When this is real someday, your human-centric first aid training just killed the smartest fucking one of us.”
Kirk stands and walks to the front of the room, pulling Spock along with him by gloved wrist. He lifts Spock arm into the air and places his palm against Spock’s side near the top of his ribs.
“It’s here.”
He can feel it beating.
So can Spock.
15.
This is the fourteenth time that Jim has invited Spock to play poker. It is the first time he has said yes. It turns out this is another social activity that involves alcohol.
Spock finds it fascinating that with human activities, be it poker, or billiards, or the baseball game he participated in last week, the emphasis is rarely on the actual game. There is less focus and calculation and more laughter and conversation. This was not the case on Vulcan.
Spock is no longer sure which he prefers.
Jim explains the rules as Spock examines the deck of cards. He memorizes them. McCoy talks over Jim when he feels he is explaining things incorrectly. They talk through and around each other. it is almost a rhythm and Spock is almost jealous.
Uhura mixes drunks and provides Spock with a Terran food called popcorn, which he enjoys.
“In poker, it’s all about playing the people, not the game,” Jim cautions.
“That statement is illogical and unclear.”
Jim laughs. “You’ll see.”
“My vision is adequate.”
Leonard and Scotty laugh. Jim leans his head toward Spock so their skulls lightly brush. The gesture is odd but somehow reassuring.
Human affection is complex.
Spock observes 3 hands before participating in the game. He pays close attention to the cards and the rules and the moves each player makes.
“It was illogical to wager all of your chips, Jim, as you did not mathically have a chance to win.”
“I did win,” Jim says, sliding a pile of chips across the table.
Jim is often illogical but Spock has grown to respect him and believes him to be highly intelligent. It would be illogical to dismiss his illogic.
Spock is almost out of chips. His logical style of play is ineffective against Kirk and McCoy's wildness.
Vulcans pride themselves on logic and problem solving but it may not be as universally correct as Spock had once believed. Perhaps there also other things that he is that he can come to be proud of.
“All in,” Jim declares confidently as he slides his large pile of chips into the center of the table.
Spock has only king high. It is illogical to play but he decides to take a risk.
“I will also go all in.”
Gaila wolf whistles as they flip over their cards.
Jim has nothing and Spock doubles his chips.
“I thought you did not believe in no-win scenarios.” Spock’s mouth curves into an almost smile.
The table erupts in laughter. “Holy shit! Did the hobgoblin just make a joke?” McCoy spills his beer on the table.
“I told you he was funny.” Jim smiles right back. “and, I don't think I really lost.”
*
As the evening progresses and friends become increasingly intoxicated the game becomes less organized and slowly falls apart.
Gaila dances around the room. She drapes her arms around Jim and kisses him. He kisses her back, deep and slow, like he knows her mouth.
Spock escapes the room into the hallway.
Jim follows soon after.
“Are you ok? What happened?”
“I do not enjoy watching your displays of intimacy towards others.”
“We aren’t dating.”
“I did not say my reaction was logical. I will attempt to suppress it better in the future.”
“Goddamnit Spock. Just say that you don’t want me to fuck anyone else and I won’t. Why don’t you just tell me how you feel? ”
“Vulcans do not feel.”
“That is such bullshit.” Jim looks like a different person when he is angry. "What are we doing?"
“There is so excr ---”
“No excrement of any kind. Don’t play stupid. You are the smartest person I know. Just fucking say it.”
“I do not know what you want from me.” Spock’s voice holds a hint of desperation, even in his own ears.
“Spock..." Jim sighs. "I love you. I fucking love you. Exactly like this.” He throws his arms into the air. “This is all that I want. Just this.”
Kirk stands still for a long time. The noises from the party filter in under the door. Spock is silent. Jim sighs and turns to leave.
As he opens the door, laughter and cheer poor through like a wave.
“I love you, Jim.”
Jim stops.
“I heard you.” he stands in profile in the doorway.
“I know.”
16.
No amount of training can prepare a cadet for how quickly normal turns into life threatening and terrifying in outer space.
Spock is surround by smoke and fire. There is so much of it that he can not even begin to be afraid. This is beyond the point of fear.
Pike is yelling commands and directing people as best he can but it is clear that they are approaching the point where best is not going to be good enough. Jim can not hack into the system and provide them with a better scenario. They are stuck with this one.
This was supposed to be a simple training mission. Their first trip out into space as cadets. Routine and easy and fun followed by a party with alcohol and plans for future adventure. Things did not go according to plan. Spock is beginning to wonder if they ever will.
The mid-sized starship that they are currently aboard is taking heavy fire and is dead in the air. Shields are failing. Lights are flashing and alarms are blaring.
For a moment it looks like this will all end before it has even begun.
Their only chance of escape is to fix the warp core which is currently unstable. The controls are melting under the extreme heat. The entire section of the ship is blocked off until the environmental controls can be established and engineering made hospitable again. If the heat continues to rise the warp core will explode.
There will not be enough time. The options before them seem to be fatal enemy fire or a fatal explosion.
Spock sees the moment that a third option crosses Jim’s mind. Like father, like son. But Spock refuses to allow Jim to follow in George Kirk’s footsteps.There is no point in having the potential to be one of Starfleet’s greatest captains if you do not live long enough to get your own ship.
“Admiral, evacuate the ship.” Jim calls out. “I will...”
“No human can survive the conditions, but I believe there is a 32.67 percent chance that a Vulcan can.”
“You are only half Vulcan and even if you survived you would be --”
“Burned.”
“No, Spock,” Pike says. “Jim is right, the risk is too great, evacu--”
Fuck it.
With one swift move Pike and Jim both hit the floor of the bridge with a thud. Chekov and Uhura look up from their station in shock.
“I have taken control of the ship. Direct all power to engineering and environmental controls and get everything back online. In 5.63 minutes, if conditions have not improved, evacuate the ship. Do not wait for me.”
Spock makes his way to engineering bypassing security codes and breaking doors. He runs deeper into the heat and smoke and he is not afraid.
Spock hears the environmental controls click on as he reaches the warp core. It is enough to sustain life but not enough to prevent injury.
The searing metal burns through his gloves and into his skin. He pushes the pain away and focuses on fixing the problems one at a time.
His hands twist wires and adjust equipment. His mind runs calculations. His eyes search for any missing detail. One mistake and it will be the end.
He thinks of Jim. Everyone will go home today. It feels like an unspoken promise between them and one he intends to fulfill.
Spock feels the ship start to move as he loses consciousness. He can not tell if the stars are blurring into warp or just in his mind. He hopes it is not the latter. His eyes force themselves closed.
Scotty rushes in with the rest of the engineering crew. Without Spock they would not have been fast enough. Scotty reaches under Spock's arm to check his pulse. He can feel his Vulcan heart.
Thanks to McCoy, he knows exactly what to do.
*
Spock wakes up to his father sitting beside him. For a moment he believes himself to be on Vulcan before he remembers what has occured.
His hands, arms and head ache. His mind spins.
"The crew? The ship?"
"All are well."
Spock closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He allows himself to relax into the pillows.
“You are burned but unharmed,” Spock’s father answers the unasked question.”Your recovery will likely be painful but you should not be experiencing any further loss of sensation or telepathic control. What you did was illogical--”
“I am sorry Father.”
Sarek’s lips curl into an almost smile. “It is also illogical to be sorry.”
Spock nods.
Sarek is silent for a long time. He reaches out and rest his fingertips on Spock's bandaged wrist. A gesture of affection - a wordless peace offering.
“I have missed you, my son.”
The admission is not what Spock expected to hear.
“I have never told you, but have always thought you to be brave.” Sarek says when Spock does not respond. “I believe you get this from your mother. She is also quite brave.
Do you know why I married your mother?”
“You are the ambassador to Earth. To pair with a human is logical and beneficial to your station.”
“No. I married your mother because I love her. She is smart and beautiful and illogically adventurous. She makes me happy.
And you, you Spock, made us even happier. I have always been proud of you. I only want for you to be happy."
“You are ashamed of my weakness.”
“I am ashamed of my weakness. How could I have let this happen to my son? How did I not know how it was for you? It is I who am sorry.”
“It is illogical to be sorry.”
What you did was illogical and brave. I am proud of you, my son.”
It is not long before the room is flooded with visitors. Spock’s father returns to the embassy and Jim slides into bed next to him.
“If you ever fucking do that to me again, I will kill you myself.”
*
This is Spock's third disciplinary hearing in a single school year. He is concerned. It is not that he has no where else to go, it is that he has finally found somewhere that he wants to be.
"Cadet Spock, you are being accused of incapacitating a higher ranking officer. Of mutiny against a Starfleet Admiral. You essentially stole a Starship, took control without authority and put yourself and your crew at risk. What have to say...."
Before the prosecutor can finish all of the cadets present stand and make their way towards Spock, front and center.
"What is the meaning of this?"
One by one each cadet removes the Starfleet insignia from their uniform jacket and places it at his feet. One by one in a single file line. Nyota, Scotty, Gaila, even Mitchell. His entire Starfleet class - They stand as one.
Spock knows their meaning.
Jim is last and as he approaches Spock removes his own insignia, fumbling with bandaged hands, and places into Jim's palm.
He will be their captain and this will be their crew.
17.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
Jim actually sounds nervous, which is completely illogical. Spock is the virgin. Jim is an admiral to his cadet.
Spock is kissing along Jim’s neck, smelling and tasting, but the uncertainty that streams off his skin like vapor is too distracting.
Jim continues to talk as Spock explores flesh. Something about baseball. Pitching and catching, On top and on bottom. Spock wants him to just shut up and take off his pants already.
“Are these overly verbose sports metaphors your way of asking for permission to anally penetrate me?”
“Fuck. Yes.” Jim starts laughing and he finally feels like Jim again. “I love you,” he smiles into Spock’s skin and leans over him until they are both prone, Jim's body covering Spock's. “You really are funny.”
Jim slides out of his pants and underwear and kneels naked between Spocks legs.
It is not the first time that Spock has seen Jim naked but the knowledge of what is about to happen makes it feel like it is.
Jim works Spock pants down his hips, kissing his way down his body until nothing is left on Spock but the black compression gloves. Jim slides one thumb under the edge and then looks at Spock, asking permission.
“I will not be able too....”
“I know.
“I will feel everything.”
“I want you to.” He slides off the gloves. “I want you to know everything. I want you to know me.”
And then Spock does.
*
“Are you ok?” Jim asks as he gently slides two finger inside Spock.
“Yes.” Spock barely whispers. These sensations are unlike anything he has ever experienced. He bites his lip to keep quiet until he cannot anymore and then he moans.
From where his fingertips rest on Jim’s shoulder he can feel his arousal increase which each tiny noise that Spock lets escape.
He did not think he would ever have this. He was certain that it was lost before he ever found it. That he was not a being that was meant to love or be loved.
Jim is kissing up his body - licking and sucking and biting at skin. Spock can not stop touching. He reaches for any part of Jim that he can. He wants everything.
“Are you ready?”
Spock is shaking and quiet. He can not find the words.
“We can stop. It’s ok.”
“Please. Jim.
please.”
Jim's lips meet his as he slowly enters him. It hurts and it burns but it is illogically and irrationally amazing.
Spock feels.
Jim's pleasure folds into his own and Spock wishes more than anything else he has ever wished for that Stonn had left him some way to share how this feels with Jim.
“fuck fuck fuck fuck.” A soft chant from Jim’s lips. “ugh. fuck.”
“That is what we are already doing.” Spock whispers back.
Jim laughs. “Funny.” And then he starts to move. Spock thinks that perhaps there is plenty for them to share afterall.
Each press of Jim’s flesh into his body is better than the next. The burn gives way to an orgasim that leaves Spock gasping for breath in a way that he did not realize was possible. A good way.
As Jim starts to pull away, Spock tightening his arms, holding him close. He never wants this to end.
They settle in together, two grown men too large for a Starfleet-issue single bed molding together into the small space.
Spock sleeps.
He sleeps soundlessly and dreamlessly through the night.
When he awakes he is alone under the blankets. Kirk is across the room fumbling with the coffee machine.
"Shit. Sorry, did I wake you?"
Spock walks to the kitchen and kisses him.
Spock is awkward and does not care. He is inappropriate and imperfect. He is not in complete control, but he knows where his heart is. This time he opens his arms and let’s it go.
He is calm.
*