Parent, child realtionship advice
I'm looking for advice on a problem I've having with my 15-year-old son, Mathew.
His mom and I divorced six years ago. At the time, I'd been my boy's primary care giver, and proposed shared custody. She fought and won sole custody. I had always been very close with both boys -- Nathan and Mathew -- so it was very painful to me. Since then, Both their mom and I have remarried other people. At my house, we've had the ups and downs you'd expect from forming a blended family. It's made harder by the fact that Nathan and Mathew are never here long enough to feel "at home."
I try to involve them in stuff, and find excuses to interact - going places, trying to find classes, hobbies, etc. that we can enjoy together. I solicit their input, but they rarely have any suggestion other than, "go to the mall and spend hundreds of dollars," which is not an option. I just want to have some fun together time and create some good memories.
Unfortunately, Mathew seems intent on actively resisting my efforts to have a relationship. He almost never calls or returns calls, is almost always bored, sullen, angry, rude and disappointed. In rare moments when he's in a good mood, he's delightful - funny, smart and creative. I'm constantly holding out hope for those moments, but more often than not, he's cruelly dismissive.
He was disappointed by his X-mas gifts (even though he wouldn't give me any suggestions before) and was pretty rude about it, then called his mom to come pick him up early. I only got to see Nathan and Mathew for a few hours over break on X-mas eve, and they've missed several weekends they were scheduled to be with me because they've been moving into a new house almost an hour's drive from here. (His mom's recently remarried.)
Their mom is not doing anything to help, but is allowing and encouraging Mathew to stay with her on my weekends if he prefers. He stayed with his mom this weekend even though Nathan came with me. I know I can't control Mathew's feelings or behavior, but I feel trapped in a cycle where I'm always trying to win him over, and suffering a lot of pain for it. I have talked to him about this many times, but have a hard time making the point or setting any consequences because I don't want to guilt him. I feel like I should tell him I'm not going to be the only one putting all the effort into the relationship, but I really believe he could say "Fine - fuck ya." I don't know where it comes from. My relationship with Nathan is very good, and I cherish that. I wish I could have that again with Mathew, too. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
His mom and I divorced six years ago. At the time, I'd been my boy's primary care giver, and proposed shared custody. She fought and won sole custody. I had always been very close with both boys -- Nathan and Mathew -- so it was very painful to me. Since then, Both their mom and I have remarried other people. At my house, we've had the ups and downs you'd expect from forming a blended family. It's made harder by the fact that Nathan and Mathew are never here long enough to feel "at home."
I try to involve them in stuff, and find excuses to interact - going places, trying to find classes, hobbies, etc. that we can enjoy together. I solicit their input, but they rarely have any suggestion other than, "go to the mall and spend hundreds of dollars," which is not an option. I just want to have some fun together time and create some good memories.
Unfortunately, Mathew seems intent on actively resisting my efforts to have a relationship. He almost never calls or returns calls, is almost always bored, sullen, angry, rude and disappointed. In rare moments when he's in a good mood, he's delightful - funny, smart and creative. I'm constantly holding out hope for those moments, but more often than not, he's cruelly dismissive.
He was disappointed by his X-mas gifts (even though he wouldn't give me any suggestions before) and was pretty rude about it, then called his mom to come pick him up early. I only got to see Nathan and Mathew for a few hours over break on X-mas eve, and they've missed several weekends they were scheduled to be with me because they've been moving into a new house almost an hour's drive from here. (His mom's recently remarried.)
Their mom is not doing anything to help, but is allowing and encouraging Mathew to stay with her on my weekends if he prefers. He stayed with his mom this weekend even though Nathan came with me. I know I can't control Mathew's feelings or behavior, but I feel trapped in a cycle where I'm always trying to win him over, and suffering a lot of pain for it. I have talked to him about this many times, but have a hard time making the point or setting any consequences because I don't want to guilt him. I feel like I should tell him I'm not going to be the only one putting all the effort into the relationship, but I really believe he could say "Fine - fuck ya." I don't know where it comes from. My relationship with Nathan is very good, and I cherish that. I wish I could have that again with Mathew, too. Any suggestions would be appreciated.