Too much analysis, not enough whips and chains
So we knew eventually I would have opinions about Kurt and Blaine.
So over on kurt-blaine, livelifelow made the following comment regarding "The Break Up," which got me going.
I think transferring not only made Blaine lose his identity outside of the realm of Kurt's boyfriend but also shifted the balance of power in the relationship.
I really like this point; it speaks to something I've been worried/fascinated about with them for a while. Kurt and Blaine sometimes feel to me like a power-exchange relationship, only one in which the power dynamic has not been talked about. So it's not abusive, exactly, but Kurt really can be the boss of Blaine -- there's a lot of "we" that means "me, and Blaine too because I said so," for example, even in episodes like TFT. And Blaine didn't clearly consent to Kurt taking over his life and his choices, but his relationship with Kurt determines who he hangs out with, how he dresses, and (in the "good choices, terrible reasons" category) even where he goes to school.
I think this dynamic happens mainly because (a) Blaine has no other exterior means of support ever since the Warblers betrayed him. No visible parents, no other best friend; the "bros" in ND are apparently supportive but that's been much more of a tell-me rather than a show-me. And frankly his dynamic with Cooper is not much different from his dynamic with Kurt, except that Cooper is socially clueless and not genuinely gobsmacked by how lucky he is to have Blaine around.
Meanwhile, (b) Kurt only has two boundaries: in or out. He's very selective about who gets in, but he really merges with the few people he loves. Because he's bossy with himself, he can also be bossy of his people -- usually as part of his idealized picture of how his relationships should work (warm milk, anyone?)
I don't think Kurt sees how much he was hurting Blaine after he left for NYC, because in Kurt's mind Blaine is IN -- he's one of the chosen few and he's always around in Kurt's considerations, inside his head -- and Kurt has an idealized way of thinking about true love, possibly from watching his father pine after the ghost of his mother for almost a decade.
So in Kurt's mind, an elephant's faithful, one hundred percent, and we can set that whole "have a boyfriend" task on the back burner. In Blaine's mind, people don't just leave you, they betray you, or ignore you, or disappear without so much as an email address. (Never mind his parents, which is outside of enough -- whatever happened to Blaine's Sadie Hawkins friend-date? Wes and David? To the friends he had before he came out?)
I'm actually just now thinking about Emma in "Glease" - not because Will/Emma is much like Kurt/Blaine, but because Emma and Blaine are very similar, conflict-avoidant partners in a relationship. Emma will go to ridiculous extremes to avoid hurting other peoples' feelings (she has been to the altar TWICE with guys she didn't love as much as she loved Will). Only Emma is a nominal adult, so she can eventually have the "okay, up with this I will not put" conversation -- Blaine, an adolescent, goes for stupid acting-out, limits-testing behavior.
So before the Whatever with Eli, we saw this behavior: like getting drunk and making out with Kurt's best friend; like serenading a closeted adult; like letting a douchebag like Sebastian continue to hit on him; like striking out at Sam (a virtual stranger) instead of at Finn (the actual offender, but also Kurt's brother); like getting drunk *again* and pushing sex on Kurt; like his cranky behavior around Cooper, and his publicly upbraiding Kurt for the Chandler thing.... and and and. I submit that Blaine Anderson would rather set himself on fire than risk getting close to anyone. (It took him MONTHS to acknowledge his feelings for Kurt, which were certainly there from the get-go. Never mind his thing with the hair gel which I still refuse to believe.)
I further submit that he DID set himself on fire - himself, Kurt, and their relationship, in the very moment that he began to seriously doubt Kurt's commitment to him.
(Actual fact: I was bewailing Klaine's misfortunes to
sociofemme, who is not a viewer and pretty much knows the characters from what I talk about or make her read. Her reaction: "So did Blaine get drunk and do something stupid again because he can't express his feelings?" In short: I love Blaine Anderson with a devotion usually reserved for chocolate, but the boy's passive-aggressive behaviors can be seen and predicted FROM SPACE.)
So I am not surprised they broke up, and I am not startled at all that it happened this way -- Blaine knew exactly (from previous testing behavior) what the line in the sand was in their relationship, and he pole-vaulted over it. Not on purpose -- at least, no more on purpose than any of the other dumb things he's done. But because he does not have the skills to express himself -- and that's why dapper, charming, approval-seeking Blaine needs to have a big fucking nervous breakdown and start over again with the man he loves. And maybe figure out who he actually is and what he wants to do with himself in the process.
Anyway. To his credit, Blaine recognizes his mistake *immediately*. And for people who think Blaine hooked up with Eli because he was lonely or neglected -- that's what he SAYS, but he was immediately able to procure tickets to NYC, so why *after* Eli instead of *before*? The boy is burning the whole thing down. He's quitting the job rather than risk getting fired.
The fact that that last analogy works, actually, illustrates the power dynamic problem with Our Boys. Kurt has had all of the power in the relationship ever since -- well, definitely since Blaine transferred, and arguably since they started dating. And neither of them recognize this or talk about it, so far as we have seen. It's not a safe situation for either of them -- not for Kurt, who's paralyzed when he loses control, or for Blaine, whose trust issues, I have just proven, can fill a book. Or at least a long and rambly LJ/DW post.
If you're still here: consider that season-two BDSM fic (and I have read all of it, you know, for science) nearly always had Blaine as the dom, or possibly both Blaine and Kurt were switches. Season-three and beyond nearly always has Kurt as the dom, unless it's a special request on a kink meme. (Which I hear are out there, if that's the sort of thing you like.) So it's a measurable construct with data and everything. :)
And sweet baby James, I didn't even go into the identity thing, and how Kurt has one that's almost painfully rigid (idealized again: not just gay, but The Perfect Gay) while Blaine, outside of "Kurt's boyfriend," doesn't seem to have one at all. But I'm pretty sure y'all can riff about that without any help from me.
So. The Holy Roman Empire was neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire. Discuss. :)
So over on kurt-blaine, livelifelow made the following comment regarding "The Break Up," which got me going.
I think transferring not only made Blaine lose his identity outside of the realm of Kurt's boyfriend but also shifted the balance of power in the relationship.
I really like this point; it speaks to something I've been worried/fascinated about with them for a while. Kurt and Blaine sometimes feel to me like a power-exchange relationship, only one in which the power dynamic has not been talked about. So it's not abusive, exactly, but Kurt really can be the boss of Blaine -- there's a lot of "we" that means "me, and Blaine too because I said so," for example, even in episodes like TFT. And Blaine didn't clearly consent to Kurt taking over his life and his choices, but his relationship with Kurt determines who he hangs out with, how he dresses, and (in the "good choices, terrible reasons" category) even where he goes to school.
I think this dynamic happens mainly because (a) Blaine has no other exterior means of support ever since the Warblers betrayed him. No visible parents, no other best friend; the "bros" in ND are apparently supportive but that's been much more of a tell-me rather than a show-me. And frankly his dynamic with Cooper is not much different from his dynamic with Kurt, except that Cooper is socially clueless and not genuinely gobsmacked by how lucky he is to have Blaine around.
Meanwhile, (b) Kurt only has two boundaries: in or out. He's very selective about who gets in, but he really merges with the few people he loves. Because he's bossy with himself, he can also be bossy of his people -- usually as part of his idealized picture of how his relationships should work (warm milk, anyone?)
I don't think Kurt sees how much he was hurting Blaine after he left for NYC, because in Kurt's mind Blaine is IN -- he's one of the chosen few and he's always around in Kurt's considerations, inside his head -- and Kurt has an idealized way of thinking about true love, possibly from watching his father pine after the ghost of his mother for almost a decade.
So in Kurt's mind, an elephant's faithful, one hundred percent, and we can set that whole "have a boyfriend" task on the back burner. In Blaine's mind, people don't just leave you, they betray you, or ignore you, or disappear without so much as an email address. (Never mind his parents, which is outside of enough -- whatever happened to Blaine's Sadie Hawkins friend-date? Wes and David? To the friends he had before he came out?)
I'm actually just now thinking about Emma in "Glease" - not because Will/Emma is much like Kurt/Blaine, but because Emma and Blaine are very similar, conflict-avoidant partners in a relationship. Emma will go to ridiculous extremes to avoid hurting other peoples' feelings (she has been to the altar TWICE with guys she didn't love as much as she loved Will). Only Emma is a nominal adult, so she can eventually have the "okay, up with this I will not put" conversation -- Blaine, an adolescent, goes for stupid acting-out, limits-testing behavior.
So before the Whatever with Eli, we saw this behavior: like getting drunk and making out with Kurt's best friend; like serenading a closeted adult; like letting a douchebag like Sebastian continue to hit on him; like striking out at Sam (a virtual stranger) instead of at Finn (the actual offender, but also Kurt's brother); like getting drunk *again* and pushing sex on Kurt; like his cranky behavior around Cooper, and his publicly upbraiding Kurt for the Chandler thing.... and and and. I submit that Blaine Anderson would rather set himself on fire than risk getting close to anyone. (It took him MONTHS to acknowledge his feelings for Kurt, which were certainly there from the get-go. Never mind his thing with the hair gel which I still refuse to believe.)
I further submit that he DID set himself on fire - himself, Kurt, and their relationship, in the very moment that he began to seriously doubt Kurt's commitment to him.
(Actual fact: I was bewailing Klaine's misfortunes to
sociofemme, who is not a viewer and pretty much knows the characters from what I talk about or make her read. Her reaction: "So did Blaine get drunk and do something stupid again because he can't express his feelings?" In short: I love Blaine Anderson with a devotion usually reserved for chocolate, but the boy's passive-aggressive behaviors can be seen and predicted FROM SPACE.)
So I am not surprised they broke up, and I am not startled at all that it happened this way -- Blaine knew exactly (from previous testing behavior) what the line in the sand was in their relationship, and he pole-vaulted over it. Not on purpose -- at least, no more on purpose than any of the other dumb things he's done. But because he does not have the skills to express himself -- and that's why dapper, charming, approval-seeking Blaine needs to have a big fucking nervous breakdown and start over again with the man he loves. And maybe figure out who he actually is and what he wants to do with himself in the process.
Anyway. To his credit, Blaine recognizes his mistake *immediately*. And for people who think Blaine hooked up with Eli because he was lonely or neglected -- that's what he SAYS, but he was immediately able to procure tickets to NYC, so why *after* Eli instead of *before*? The boy is burning the whole thing down. He's quitting the job rather than risk getting fired.
The fact that that last analogy works, actually, illustrates the power dynamic problem with Our Boys. Kurt has had all of the power in the relationship ever since -- well, definitely since Blaine transferred, and arguably since they started dating. And neither of them recognize this or talk about it, so far as we have seen. It's not a safe situation for either of them -- not for Kurt, who's paralyzed when he loses control, or for Blaine, whose trust issues, I have just proven, can fill a book. Or at least a long and rambly LJ/DW post.
If you're still here: consider that season-two BDSM fic (and I have read all of it, you know, for science) nearly always had Blaine as the dom, or possibly both Blaine and Kurt were switches. Season-three and beyond nearly always has Kurt as the dom, unless it's a special request on a kink meme. (Which I hear are out there, if that's the sort of thing you like.) So it's a measurable construct with data and everything. :)
And sweet baby James, I didn't even go into the identity thing, and how Kurt has one that's almost painfully rigid (idealized again: not just gay, but The Perfect Gay) while Blaine, outside of "Kurt's boyfriend," doesn't seem to have one at all. But I'm pretty sure y'all can riff about that without any help from me.
So. The Holy Roman Empire was neither Holy, nor Roman, nor an Empire. Discuss. :)