Asphyxia
Asphyxia; Jinki/Jonghyun; PG-13? 15?
note: Language is clean; no explicit content; may be dark depending on interpretation. This is my test run at posting stuff~ And yes, I space things out a lot for effect, sorry if that's weird. :x
Night.
A borderless ocean of ink.
A bottomless abyss of darkness.
But every time you open your eyes, what awaits you is another day.
This fact should have been a source of solace.
As if all things corrupted could be cleansed.
As if all wrongs could be righted.
It really should have been
a source of solace.
......
Because of you, how many sunrises have I watched all by myself?
Again.
And again.
And again.
I’ve grown weary of it. Worn out. Fed up.
Yet another brand new day.
And with it, a little something more that you have taken away from me.
And a little something more that I can never hope to regain.
......
Early spring.
The morning breeze dances through the open window.
It breathes onto my bare skin.
It whispers into my ear a promise of rebirth.
Even the wind now mocks me!
Inhale.
Exhale.
Afraid to wake you, I suppress the coughs that follow.
Facing the gradually brightening world outside, I smile.
Because once upon a time you told me that that is when I am beautiful.
So, won’t you open your eyes?
Won’t you tell me how I look now?
Because I don’t know.
I really don't know.
What is this thing that people call a ‘smile’?
What is this ‘beauty’ that you repeatedly speak of?
Such alien vocabulary.
But they must be truly miraculous things.
Yes.
I imagine they must be.
......
An unlit cigarette rests loosely between my torn lips.
With the fingers of my right hand I count the scars on my left forearm.
At what point did my happiness and my pain become indistinguishable?
I don’t remember.
I can hardly think clearly.
Whichever one I use as the reason to keep on living, I suppose that has long since become irrelevant.
Happiness and pain - they aren't the same thing. That I understand.
But did you know? Once the pain gets bad enough, the body and the mind are no longer able to hurt. And it is at that point that, unexpectedly, you will encounter the happiness that had seemingly fallen out of reach.
Happiness, as I used to know it, is a distant hazy shore. Something that lies behind me, all too far away. And me? Drifting listlessly in the ocean, I don’t have the courage to turn and look over my shoulder. Even if I did, I don’t have the strength to swim back. Happiness, as it is now, is my brave new world. It lends me a thin sliver of hope, a tiny fragment of reason to hang on. Even if it's only for one more second. One more hour. One more day.
And so what choice do I have? I can only bet everything on reaching this new world.
And by betting everything, I will walk towards my own ruin.
Yes, I know.
This place that I'm headed for is but a barren scrap of land.
But I’d like to think that setting foot there is better than drowning out at sea.
After all, it is the only place where happiness and pain are the same.
The only place where I can trade all these years’ worth of misery for a little bit of fleeting bliss.
......
Everything that I had, you have taken away, piece by piece.
Everything that I didn’t have, you’ve still taken away, piece by piece.
I suppose at this point I’ve already lost touch with sanity.
That I would accept you over and over.
That I would embrace you over and over.
That I would allow myself to falter, to surrender again and again.
That I would wait for you to say I love you, to say in the end I guess I still love you
again and again.
I love you too. I’ll always love you. That won’t ever change.
Twelve words.
They constitute my invariable answer. They are my eternal oath to you.
And then you’d say thank you, you’d say I’m sorry, you’d say it hurts.
And then I’d say it’s okay, I’d say:
Stay here for the night. It’ll be bright out again once you wake up.
As long as you are the one knocking, I will always open the door.
Even though I know I shouldn’t.
Even though the last time you left, I promised myself I wouldn’t follow this script anymore.
......
I know perfectly well.
Why it is that you continue to be cruel.
Why it is that I continue to forgive.
You are too simple of a person, I suppose.
You don’t know how to gauge people’s true colors.
You don’t know how to guess their most honest thoughts.
And so, with every failure and every mistake, you’ve lost all sense of security.
You’re like a helpless child, looking for a parent.
You’re like a drowning person, looking for air.
In this world, perhaps I am the only person who has never disappointed you.
The only one who has never betrayed you.
The only one who has never left you.
Those twelve words of mine, every time, replenish your emptied heart.
After all these years, they are the only immutable thing you can believe in:
I love you too.
I’ll always love you.
That won’t ever change.
......
I love you.
You know that I am sincere.
But what I think you don't know is the fact that you are not.
You love me?
You don't actually love me.
You love those who have hurt you, those who have the ability to hurt you.
But the me whom you have been hurting in turn, I am merely a thing of your dependence, a thing of your habit.
Attachment and love are not the same.
No matter how you twist it, they will never really be the same.
......
Jjong-ah, do you know how dangerous it is to save a drowning person?
Because as you struggle, you climb on top of me in order to grab those precious breaths of air.
Because as you struggle, your abnormal strength renders me powerless.
Because as you struggle, you can’t see me at all. Me, whom you’ve shoved under the surface.
I think it has been too long since I’ve been able to breathe.
I know I brought this upon myself.
I thought I could do everything for you.
Maybe it's a little funny, but it seems that I’m afraid of dying.
So,
what should I do?
......
When the sun has climbed high up in the sky, you wake up and hug me from behind.
With your body temperature as reference, I realize that I’m actually cold.
“Baby aren’t you cold?”, you murmur into my shoulder blade.
Did you know? Frigidity and torridity are the same.
Because all humans can detect is the sensation of pain.
Without waiting for my answer, you pull the unlit cigarette from my lips.
I don't need to look at you to know, you must have that silly grin plastered to your face.
“Whoa, when did you start smoking?”
It’s already too far back in my memory for me to recall.
Did you really just notice?
I smile meaninglessly in return. And you let it slide, just like that, tossing the cigarette into some corner of the room. You put your lips to the back of my ear, the side of my neck, the ridge of my shoulder. Softly, softly...
In one heaving motion, you pull me to the center of the bed.
And there you go looming over me once more.
And here I am again, that person with no escape.
Gazing into your gentle eyes, I smile.
“You should quit," you murmur, tenderly kissing my forehead, my nose, my chin. “You are too pure for that kind of stuff.”
Pure? Everything about me has long since been darker than the night.
Quit? Shouldn’t you first quit your habit of coming to me for consolation?
Or actually it’s fine too if you can’t quit.
You don’t need to let me go.
Just one breath of air. Just let me have one breath of air.
“I love you.”
You smile triumphantly at me.
I look back at you, a slight crease between my brows.
Just as I am about to say something, you kiss me in the mouth, sealing my lips.
Such raw, raw desire.
......
For a long, long time, I stare, transfixed, at the bright white ceiling, all without blinking.
Is this what asphyxia feels like?
Then why is there a little voice in the back of my mind telling me that life and death are not the same?
A hallucination.
I guess it must be a hallucination…
And I close my eyes.
... FIN ...
A/N: Errr...yeah... *sweats* I swear my writing is not always so weird.
note: Language is clean; no explicit content; may be dark depending on interpretation. This is my test run at posting stuff~ And yes, I space things out a lot for effect, sorry if that's weird. :x
Night.
A borderless ocean of ink.
A bottomless abyss of darkness.
But every time you open your eyes, what awaits you is another day.
This fact should have been a source of solace.
As if all things corrupted could be cleansed.
As if all wrongs could be righted.
It really should have been
a source of solace.
......
Because of you, how many sunrises have I watched all by myself?
Again.
And again.
And again.
I’ve grown weary of it. Worn out. Fed up.
Yet another brand new day.
And with it, a little something more that you have taken away from me.
And a little something more that I can never hope to regain.
......
Early spring.
The morning breeze dances through the open window.
It breathes onto my bare skin.
It whispers into my ear a promise of rebirth.
Even the wind now mocks me!
Inhale.
Exhale.
Afraid to wake you, I suppress the coughs that follow.
Facing the gradually brightening world outside, I smile.
Because once upon a time you told me that that is when I am beautiful.
So, won’t you open your eyes?
Won’t you tell me how I look now?
Because I don’t know.
I really don't know.
What is this thing that people call a ‘smile’?
What is this ‘beauty’ that you repeatedly speak of?
Such alien vocabulary.
But they must be truly miraculous things.
Yes.
I imagine they must be.
......
An unlit cigarette rests loosely between my torn lips.
With the fingers of my right hand I count the scars on my left forearm.
At what point did my happiness and my pain become indistinguishable?
I don’t remember.
I can hardly think clearly.
Whichever one I use as the reason to keep on living, I suppose that has long since become irrelevant.
Happiness and pain - they aren't the same thing. That I understand.
But did you know? Once the pain gets bad enough, the body and the mind are no longer able to hurt. And it is at that point that, unexpectedly, you will encounter the happiness that had seemingly fallen out of reach.
Happiness, as I used to know it, is a distant hazy shore. Something that lies behind me, all too far away. And me? Drifting listlessly in the ocean, I don’t have the courage to turn and look over my shoulder. Even if I did, I don’t have the strength to swim back. Happiness, as it is now, is my brave new world. It lends me a thin sliver of hope, a tiny fragment of reason to hang on. Even if it's only for one more second. One more hour. One more day.
And so what choice do I have? I can only bet everything on reaching this new world.
And by betting everything, I will walk towards my own ruin.
Yes, I know.
This place that I'm headed for is but a barren scrap of land.
But I’d like to think that setting foot there is better than drowning out at sea.
After all, it is the only place where happiness and pain are the same.
The only place where I can trade all these years’ worth of misery for a little bit of fleeting bliss.
......
Everything that I had, you have taken away, piece by piece.
Everything that I didn’t have, you’ve still taken away, piece by piece.
I suppose at this point I’ve already lost touch with sanity.
That I would accept you over and over.
That I would embrace you over and over.
That I would allow myself to falter, to surrender again and again.
That I would wait for you to say I love you, to say in the end I guess I still love you
again and again.
I love you too. I’ll always love you. That won’t ever change.
Twelve words.
They constitute my invariable answer. They are my eternal oath to you.
And then you’d say thank you, you’d say I’m sorry, you’d say it hurts.
And then I’d say it’s okay, I’d say:
Stay here for the night. It’ll be bright out again once you wake up.
As long as you are the one knocking, I will always open the door.
Even though I know I shouldn’t.
Even though the last time you left, I promised myself I wouldn’t follow this script anymore.
......
I know perfectly well.
Why it is that you continue to be cruel.
Why it is that I continue to forgive.
You are too simple of a person, I suppose.
You don’t know how to gauge people’s true colors.
You don’t know how to guess their most honest thoughts.
And so, with every failure and every mistake, you’ve lost all sense of security.
You’re like a helpless child, looking for a parent.
You’re like a drowning person, looking for air.
In this world, perhaps I am the only person who has never disappointed you.
The only one who has never betrayed you.
The only one who has never left you.
Those twelve words of mine, every time, replenish your emptied heart.
After all these years, they are the only immutable thing you can believe in:
I love you too.
I’ll always love you.
That won’t ever change.
......
I love you.
You know that I am sincere.
But what I think you don't know is the fact that you are not.
You love me?
You don't actually love me.
You love those who have hurt you, those who have the ability to hurt you.
But the me whom you have been hurting in turn, I am merely a thing of your dependence, a thing of your habit.
Attachment and love are not the same.
No matter how you twist it, they will never really be the same.
......
Jjong-ah, do you know how dangerous it is to save a drowning person?
Because as you struggle, you climb on top of me in order to grab those precious breaths of air.
Because as you struggle, your abnormal strength renders me powerless.
Because as you struggle, you can’t see me at all. Me, whom you’ve shoved under the surface.
I think it has been too long since I’ve been able to breathe.
I know I brought this upon myself.
I thought I could do everything for you.
Maybe it's a little funny, but it seems that I’m afraid of dying.
So,
what should I do?
......
When the sun has climbed high up in the sky, you wake up and hug me from behind.
With your body temperature as reference, I realize that I’m actually cold.
“Baby aren’t you cold?”, you murmur into my shoulder blade.
Did you know? Frigidity and torridity are the same.
Because all humans can detect is the sensation of pain.
Without waiting for my answer, you pull the unlit cigarette from my lips.
I don't need to look at you to know, you must have that silly grin plastered to your face.
“Whoa, when did you start smoking?”
It’s already too far back in my memory for me to recall.
Did you really just notice?
I smile meaninglessly in return. And you let it slide, just like that, tossing the cigarette into some corner of the room. You put your lips to the back of my ear, the side of my neck, the ridge of my shoulder. Softly, softly...
In one heaving motion, you pull me to the center of the bed.
And there you go looming over me once more.
And here I am again, that person with no escape.
Gazing into your gentle eyes, I smile.
“You should quit," you murmur, tenderly kissing my forehead, my nose, my chin. “You are too pure for that kind of stuff.”
Pure? Everything about me has long since been darker than the night.
Quit? Shouldn’t you first quit your habit of coming to me for consolation?
Or actually it’s fine too if you can’t quit.
You don’t need to let me go.
Just one breath of air. Just let me have one breath of air.
“I love you.”
You smile triumphantly at me.
I look back at you, a slight crease between my brows.
Just as I am about to say something, you kiss me in the mouth, sealing my lips.
Such raw, raw desire.
......
For a long, long time, I stare, transfixed, at the bright white ceiling, all without blinking.
Is this what asphyxia feels like?
Then why is there a little voice in the back of my mind telling me that life and death are not the same?
A hallucination.
I guess it must be a hallucination…
And I close my eyes.
... FIN ...
A/N: Errr...yeah... *sweats* I swear my writing is not always so weird.