(Untitled)

[saowin]

I'm not sure how many of you are aware of this, but Mike is a writer. At the moment, we're both taking a break from school, but he spent this evening churning out a new story. Since he loves both criticism and comments, so please read his short story and give some feedback! If you like what you read, you can check out many more stories available

Comments

[hidden_irony]

Being that I know very little about prose and whatnot, I feel that criticism of this story (though I could find none, really) wouldn't be right coming from me. The only thing I really can say - actually, ask - is whether or not there's supposed to be an 'of' between the words 'rid' and 'that' in the 4th paragraph, 2nd to last sentence.

As for my personal comments on the story, it's amazing. It really captured my attention from the first sentence and held it all the way through. I found myself anxious to read more and more as I continued on. The way the feelings are portrayed make it easy for a reader to relate to (at first, of course) - the feelings of hopelessness and regret, being lonely and eventually that feeling of being completely numb to it all. Most people have been there at least once in their life and I feel like this story is so well-written that it's almost like reliving it all again. What really makes this story good is that the ending is completely unexpected

[uh_oh]

Constructive Observations:

I found I lost interest after the first paragraph and was skimming the last few in an attempt to find something that hooked me. I can only speculate that this is because of the lack of details about the woman lost. What did she look like? sound like? smell like? How did she smile? What cute little things did she say? What clothes did she where? How would you characterizer her abstractly, soically, emotionally, and so on.

I found the emotional details of the main character quite sufficient, but without the details of the woman he's suffering "withdrawl" from, I just couldn't keep reading.

I hope this helps.

[epidemik]

Well thank you for reading it...

There is a reason for the lack of detail of the girl, it's a story about him tryin to forget her. if he sat back and thought about her and conjured up memories of her then it would be a bit off. The point of the story isn't her, it's him and his secret.

Also it's a short story, not a great american novel... don't look for more than what it's meant to be.

thanks so much for the crit. and thanks for trying to read it.

[uh_oh]

No problem. When I have the time I would be happy to give you my initial impressions of your work. Are you presently studying creative or journalistic writing in college? What are some of your favorite dead authors (you know, the old ones they make you study in school)?