Not Happy Thoughts...
Since last spring, my grandmother has been battling cancer. She's been in and out of the hospital a lot and in order to get her treatments she stays at my parents' house a lot with my aunt who takes care of her since my parents work all the time. FOr the most part, everybody's been pretty miserable. Abuela, of course, but everyone else is seriously feeling the burden since she has the habit of being a very inconsiderate person.
I know. It sounds like a horrible thing to say since she has cancer, but if you knew her, you might understand. It's just the way she is. It's making my mother crazy and younger sibs, still living at home, don't know how to deal with it. My aunt is (for lack of a better word) a godsend, cuz without her I wouldn't know what would happen. But she can be pretty frigid cuz that's just how she is. This is my father's family. They are weird and estranged due to issues from 40 or 50 years ago. I wish I was exaggerating.
I feel for my dad the most, since he's struggling at work and has to hear from everyone how miserable they are. Abuela feigns weakness around him (at least more so than when he's not home) so he ends up feeling worse about her condition while everyone else groans out another day with her in the house. My family is stuck between a rock and hard place. I'm glad but guilty that I'm not there more often. It's hard to hear my mother cry over the phone about the whole situation. She feels like the bad guy and I would too if I was in her shoes. My dad stays strong and silent around me, but I know this is killing him. I mean, how can you choose between your sick mom and your wife and kids?
It seems as though their situation might be changing, but not in a good way. My mom just called and told me Abuela is in the hospital again and the doctors found that the cancer has spread to her bones. They haven't told Abuela yet, but I don't know how long they will wait. It's pretty much a death sentence. What's worse is that I don't know how I feel about her dying. It would take pressure off my family, but at the cost of her life??? I feel horrible about it.
I don't want her to die like this. With everyone resenting her for her illness and the way she was at her worst. She's so alone in this world. She did it to herself, but I can't live with it nonetheless. I don't want to feel sorry for her. I don't want to remember her life and her decisions as a cautionary tale. I think I feel the worst about me not wanting her to die before this weekend. I can't believe how selfish I am for thinking it.
I want to remember her for her creativity. She had so much talent with crafts. She amazed me with what she could make with the simplest materials. She was better at it than Martha Stewart. Her cakes were renowned in our family. I don't know what she did with them, but they were so good. Store-bought cakes were never an option.
I don't know what else to say. If she does have to go, I don't want her to go in too much pain. I want her to go knowing at the very least, that we all love her and regardless of everything, we would miss her a lot.
I know. It sounds like a horrible thing to say since she has cancer, but if you knew her, you might understand. It's just the way she is. It's making my mother crazy and younger sibs, still living at home, don't know how to deal with it. My aunt is (for lack of a better word) a godsend, cuz without her I wouldn't know what would happen. But she can be pretty frigid cuz that's just how she is. This is my father's family. They are weird and estranged due to issues from 40 or 50 years ago. I wish I was exaggerating.
I feel for my dad the most, since he's struggling at work and has to hear from everyone how miserable they are. Abuela feigns weakness around him (at least more so than when he's not home) so he ends up feeling worse about her condition while everyone else groans out another day with her in the house. My family is stuck between a rock and hard place. I'm glad but guilty that I'm not there more often. It's hard to hear my mother cry over the phone about the whole situation. She feels like the bad guy and I would too if I was in her shoes. My dad stays strong and silent around me, but I know this is killing him. I mean, how can you choose between your sick mom and your wife and kids?
It seems as though their situation might be changing, but not in a good way. My mom just called and told me Abuela is in the hospital again and the doctors found that the cancer has spread to her bones. They haven't told Abuela yet, but I don't know how long they will wait. It's pretty much a death sentence. What's worse is that I don't know how I feel about her dying. It would take pressure off my family, but at the cost of her life??? I feel horrible about it.
I don't want her to die like this. With everyone resenting her for her illness and the way she was at her worst. She's so alone in this world. She did it to herself, but I can't live with it nonetheless. I don't want to feel sorry for her. I don't want to remember her life and her decisions as a cautionary tale. I think I feel the worst about me not wanting her to die before this weekend. I can't believe how selfish I am for thinking it.
I want to remember her for her creativity. She had so much talent with crafts. She amazed me with what she could make with the simplest materials. She was better at it than Martha Stewart. Her cakes were renowned in our family. I don't know what she did with them, but they were so good. Store-bought cakes were never an option.
I don't know what else to say. If she does have to go, I don't want her to go in too much pain. I want her to go knowing at the very least, that we all love her and regardless of everything, we would miss her a lot.