Jupiter Ascending
was delightful. Delightfully bad. SO STUPID. So stupid I'm actually going to need a cut, because if it had been edited down by about two thirds - any two thirds, at random - I would be trying to convince people to make it a fandom.
1) Mila Kunis has magical bee powers! Mila Kunis is the reincarnation of the matriarch of an interstellar house of business that dissolves people to make immortality juice! Mila Kunis runs and jumps and gets swept up in Channing Tathum's arms a lot. MILA KUNIS IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT CHANNING TATHUM'S DOG GENES.
2) Channing Tathum's shirt went somewhere. He has hover rollerblades.
3) Two out of three of Mila Kunis's pre-incarnation's children basically try to seduce her. They try to seduce their mom's clone. One of them is a woman, and her major contribution to the film is via butt double getting out of a bath.
4) The third of Mila Kunis's pre-incarnation's children is Eddie Redmayne LARPing someone's Loki badfic and crying a lot. At one point Mila Kunis hits him with some rebar.
5) ZOOM A SPACESHIP BUT IT IS TOO CLOSE TO THE CAMERA TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING. HOPE YOU LIKE RED FLASHES OF LIGHT BECAUSE THAT IS BASICALLY ALL YOU'RE GETTING FOR A THIRD OF THE MOVIE.
6) There are some random bounty hunters and one of them sparkles in the sunlight and the other has flower tattoos on her face.
7) Oh also that lady from Orphan Black is in it. Jeez, she is pretty.
The end.
1) Mila Kunis has magical bee powers! Mila Kunis is the reincarnation of the matriarch of an interstellar house of business that dissolves people to make immortality juice! Mila Kunis runs and jumps and gets swept up in Channing Tathum's arms a lot. MILA KUNIS IS VERY EXCITED ABOUT CHANNING TATHUM'S DOG GENES.
2) Channing Tathum's shirt went somewhere. He has hover rollerblades.
3) Two out of three of Mila Kunis's pre-incarnation's children basically try to seduce her. They try to seduce their mom's clone. One of them is a woman, and her major contribution to the film is via butt double getting out of a bath.
4) The third of Mila Kunis's pre-incarnation's children is Eddie Redmayne LARPing someone's Loki badfic and crying a lot. At one point Mila Kunis hits him with some rebar.
5) ZOOM A SPACESHIP BUT IT IS TOO CLOSE TO THE CAMERA TO SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING. HOPE YOU LIKE RED FLASHES OF LIGHT BECAUSE THAT IS BASICALLY ALL YOU'RE GETTING FOR A THIRD OF THE MOVIE.
6) There are some random bounty hunters and one of them sparkles in the sunlight and the other has flower tattoos on her face.
7) Oh also that lady from Orphan Black is in it. Jeez, she is pretty.
The end.