{SHINee} Let's Run Away
Title: Let's Run Away
Rating: PG (warning: mild mentions of homophobia and bullying)
Word Count: 3,450~
Summary: In which Jonghyun is a runaway and Kibum always seems to have hot chocolate waiting.
Let's Run Away
The first time he ran, it was over something menial, an event so miniscule that no one cared to recall it.
He must’ve been around five years old, on a clear summer day, when a fight with some friends sent Jonghyun running. He hadn’t gotten far before his parents found him, and they shrugged it off as a child’s way of venting.
It wasn’t until years later that running became a habit; a habit he wasn’t willing to break.
----
The first time he ran, it was over something trivial; or at least, that’s how it seemed to others. But Jonghyun remembers it as the day that changed his life. He’d always been reserved, never liking conflict or gossip. He’d keep to himself and ignore others as best he could; but that didn’t mean people would just leave him be. Since first entering middle school, he found himself to be the victim of constant teasing. He wanted to not care, tried so hard not to let their words faze him. But one year passed, followed by another, and the teasing wouldn’t stop, and his shell began to crack, and the pressure began to build. Until one day, he simply lost it. He couldn’t remember the exact comment that broke him, although he had a hunch it was something about looking like a dinosaur, but whatever it was sent him over the edge. One minute he was in a class, having his books tossed and words slurred, and the next minute, he was throwing desks out of the way and running.
Jonghyun ran. He was out of the building. He kept running. Farther and farther. Before long, he couldn’t even see the school building. His lungs were burning and his legs ached. He kept running. There was something liberating about the movement, something that propelled him forward, further and further, until eventually his body couldn’t take anymore. When he finally half-collapsed in an alley, breath heavy and body drenched in sweat, he had no idea where he was. Yet he couldn’t find it in himself to panic, instead finding peace in the unfamiliar surroundings.
He wandered through the streets casually. He ignored how it was starting to get dark. He ignored the cold. He ignored the light rain. He just kept wandering, because it just made him feel so much better. As if all he needed this whole time was to just run away for a bit. He paused under a streetlight and breathed in the cool air, smells of rain and earth bringing a smile to his face. He stood, basking in the rain, until all of a sudden, he couldn’t feel it anymore. Turning around, he was met with a pair of sharp eyes, attached to a boy about his age, who was holding an umbrella over him. Oh.
“You’ll catch a cold if you keep standing there like an idiot.”
Jonghyun couldn’t help smiling at the seemingly harsh words. And he couldn’t stop the laughter bubbling up at the boy’s resulting confusion. God he was just so tired.
He let himself be pulled away by the other boy, who was named Kibum, by the way. Apparently the streetlight he was standing dazed under was right across the street from Kibum’s house. Jonghyun was dragged inside and sat down, the other boy fretting over the disheveled being.
“Hey, what’s your name?”
“Jonghyun.”
He graciously accepted the hot cocoa placed before him.
“Where do you live?”
“Over by Jineul Prep.”
Kibum sputtered into his cup.
“What?!”
Jonghyun stared blankly and shrugged.
“B-but, that’s pretty much the other side of town. What are you doing here? In a uniform even!”
“I just…started running…and I didn’t stop. So I ended up here I guess.”
They sat in a comfortable silence, just drinking their cocoa. Which, by the way, was the best damn hot cocoa he’s ever tasted. He enjoyed the presence of this Kibum kid, liked the way his eyes looked faraway and how his lips pursed in thought. There was something refreshing about him, and Jonghyun liked it almost as much as the run. After their cups were long empty, Kibum broke the silence for the last time that night.
“What were you running from?”
He didn’t answer, because he couldn’t admit it to himself. Kibum tried a different question.
“What were you doing in the rain?”
Jonghyun let a small smile creep onto his lips.
“Dreaming.”
----The next time he ran, it was over something serious. It’d been a while since his last escapade, months since he last saw that Kibum kid. Since that cold, rainy night, he’d managed to get through the school year without much more teasing. He’d graduated and moved on to high school. And he was a lot happier. Jonghyun had the chance to start anew, and by god he took it and worked it. He wasn’t popular by any means, but he had friends that were more than enough, had classmates that he could casually talk to, had people that thought it was cute how he looked like a dinosaur. He still had issues with handling pressure, but had it mostly under control by joining the track team, where he could run his troubles away.
But there was just some pressure that couldn’t be contained on a track field. Things like finding out about your parent’s divorce can’t be dealt with in circles. And so Jonghyun stood, dinner half finished, and was out the door in record time. And he ran. He didn’t realize where his feet were taking him until his body gave way to exhaustion. When he ran, he didn’t think; that was the whole point. However, he was less than a little surprised and more than a little pleased to find himself under a familiar streetlight.
He loitered for god knows how long, glancing unsurely at the house across the street. After a while, he heard a small gasp behind him, and spun to meet a pair of familiar sharp eyes. Jonghyun couldn’t stop his stupid grin and Kibum couldn’t help smiling back, with a sarcastic roll of his eyes.
“It’s the middle of winter you know.”
“Yeah, I know. Chilly huh?”
“You’re going to catch a cold standing there like an idiot.”
“At least it’s not raining this time.” Jonghyun grinned, and followed Kibum as he stormed off in feigned exasperation.
And there they were again, sitting face to face at a table, warm hot chocolate in hand. He didn’t know what the guy put in it, but no matter how he tried, he could never find another drink quite like it. They carried on talking as if it hadn’t been half a year since they’d seen each other.
“So which high school did you end up choosing?”
“Seongsan High. Closest place without a strict hair policy.” Jonghyun shook his blond fringe as if to emphasize his point. Kibum just snorted attractively.
“I’ll keep that place in mind. I’ve been wanting to dye my hair for a while.”
“You’d look good blond.”
“I know.”
They talked about nothing and everything, passing time in the cozy kitchen. Around their third cocoa refill, Jonghyun decided to pull out his phone. Wow that’s a lot of missed calls. Kibum seemed to sense the change in atmosphere, and asked a nostalgic kind of question.
“What were you running from?”
Jonghyun didn’t answer, because he couldn’t. Again. Kibum sighed.
“Okay…well, why do you run?”
Jonghyun smiled. That he could answer.
---The seventh time he ran, it was over something pitiful. Shameful. Disgusting. There weren’t enough adjectives to describe what Jonghyun had done that day. Looking back, this was one of the moments he would regret deeply, along with a few others. But he was just a person, and he had flaws too, but that was no excuse. And it never should have been.
It had been a while since Minho confessed his sexuality to Jonghyun. They had been best friends for years now, and Jonghyun wasn’t one to judge. Plus, Taemin was seriously a cute kid, and how could anyone hold disgust towards them, perhaps the sweetest couple in the world? But Jonghyun knew better, knew not to idealize a situation. Because although he understood, and other friends and classmates might understand, things like homosexuality weren’t exactly broadcasted in South Korea. Kids were different, but adults were harsh, and Jonghyun knew this and warned his friend countless times, be careful be careful be careful. And every time Minho had just laughed it off with a sure, sure or a don’t worry so much hyung or the ever used Taemin looks enough like a girl so no one will know.
But one day they were caught. And the teacher thought it appropriate to call Minho’s parents. Jonghyun walked him home in silence that day. The unspoken words were heavy in his throat, and he felt that pressure in his gut, but he kept walking with Minho, determined to at least make it to his house without running. Because although he couldn’t offer him words of comfort, he could at least show he was there physically. When they reached the doorstep, Minho turned back with a smile masking his worry. Jonghyun did his best to smile back, but he knew it looked forced. And he let him go.
Jonghyun walked away, giving one last glance at the closed door, and began to run. It wasn’t as fast, he wasn’t that desperate. But he needed to feel the adrenaline that running brought him. He was debating visiting Kibum, jogging lightly, since at this rate it would take a while to get there. Deciding against it for now, he stopped on an overpass and slowed his breathing. Feeling a lot calmer already, he pulled out his phone to send a reassuring text, in place of all the words he couldn’t say earlier. What he saw instead sent his head reeling and stomach churning and legs running.
Because Minho was in the hospital. And he needed to get there now. Thankfully the overpass wasn’t far from the place, and he was in sterile hallways and white rooms in no time. A nurse showed him to the room and spoke words that pierced Jonghyun at his core. She said it had been an “accident” that sent Minho down a flight of stairs. And it probably was; no matter how upset they might’ve been, Jonghyun knew Minho’s parents would never do something like throw their kid down the stairs. He opened the door and Minho turned around, a sad smile decorated with a busted lip, a small wave stunted by a cast. Minho spoke but Jonghyun almost couldn’t bear to listen. Because all he could think was this is all my fault. If he had been stronger, if he had stayed behind, this wouldn’t have happened. If he had been the friend he should be, he would’ve stood by Minho’s side, wouldn’t have let him face things alone. But he wasn’t that adequate, and his stupid need to run had taken him away from his friend. Pressure was building in his gut with each sad smile, with each choked word, with every remorseful thought of what if?
And so he cried. Let tears roll down his face as he ran. He ran because he started crying, because he couldn’t take it anymore. He cried because he ran. Again and again, he just ran and ran, further and further, until he was all alone. Alone and cold and shaking and exhausted and god what a horrible human being. And he hated himself so much, so much for running away from Minho, twice now. Self-loathing grew as Kibum’s house came into sight, and disgust grew in his gut when he shamelessly knocked on said house’s door. He was so weak so weak so damn weak.
Kibum opened the door not moments later, smart remarks on the tip of his tongue, but never spilling over. One look at him and Jonghyun was sent into a new fit, tears spilling and breath hitching, and how could Kibum not let him in? They didn’t sit in the kitchen this time, Kibum opting to sit the sobbing mess on his bed and wrap him in a blanket while he made hot chocolate. When he came back, the boy had calmed down, looking up with a tired smile. They sat on the small bed, sipping hot chocolate, no jokes or sarcastic remarks in sight. Kibum knew that’s not what he needed right now, even if Jonghyun didn’t know it himself.
Kibum placed a hand on the other’s knee in reassurance.
“Jjong. Talk to me.”
Jonghyun smiled sadly and slipped his fingers into Kibum’s.
“What were you running from?”
He held on tight.
“Myself.”
---The “I lost count” time he ran, it was over something unexpected. Entrance exams had ended a while ago, and now it was a time of anxiety and waiting. His parents may have split, but that didn’t divide their expectations of Jonghyun. They’d always wanted him to do something great, like go to med school or law school, his grades never proving otherwise. And so, when the acceptance letters came in, there was no surprise. What sent Jonghyun running that day was a letter from Seoul, from an entertainment company he’d forgotten sending an audition tape to.
He held the paper in one hand, a request for a live audition, almost guaranteeing acceptance. In his other hand he gripped a letter from a prominent university, almost guaranteeing future success. The papers shook in his hands, heart reeling at the words, mind spinning in black text. It was a question from his mother that snapped him out of it. Are those acceptance letters honey?
He ran away, not hearing his mother sigh in surrender, not seeing the resignation in her face. He’d be lying to himself if he said he was getting better. But all Jonghyun could do was run away, still just run away.
It was a warm spring day and hot chocolate would’ve been strange, so instead Kibum placed two cups of fresh lemonade on the porch. Sipping slowly, Jonghyun had to wonder whether the boy used magical sugar or enchanted water, because every drink he made was completely addicting. They sat and chatted happily, basking in the kind sunlight. After a while, Jonghyun dug the crumpled papers from his pocket, and handed them to Kibum. He read them over silently before looking back at Jonghyun.
“Jjong…what are you going to do?”
“I…I don’t know.” He smiled sadly, and let out a morbid chuckle, “Maybe I’ll just keep running this time.”
What happened next Jonghyun never expected. Kibum threw the papers in his face, flushed red with anger. Before he could process what was happening, there was a sting on his right cheek and he knew Kibum just slapped me. He looked at the other boy incredulously, but words caught in his throat as he witnessed tears pooling in those sharp eyes.
“You can’t keep running away Jonghyun! You need to stop. Stop running…”
Jonghyun never heard what Kibum said next. Because his ears were ringing, tears were falling, and his legs were running. For once, it didn’t help. Because he had no place to go now. No one to run to. Because it had always been Kibum, could only be Kibum.
Maybe I’ll just keep running.
---Jonghyun never went back to Kibum’s after that. Every time he felt the urge to run and began to take off, his gut would wrench and his legs would cramp and he would feel even more lost. Because he realized a little too late that he wasn’t running to get away. He was running to get to Kibum.
He sighed heavily as he packed up his books, his last class of the day finally over. He hadn’t seen Kibum in almost a year, taking off for that one med school his mother loved right after graduation. He’d never said goodbye to the other boy, never told him which path he’d chosen. Never got to show him how he’d finally stopped running. He’d gone to med school, stayed in a dorm, was working hard for a good future; and not once had he run away.
He collapsed in his empty dorm room, mind swimming with thoughts of Kibum, heart aching with the need for closure. With a long sigh and a come on Jonghyun, stop whining like a bitch, he rolled off of bed and decided to sort through the stack of mail on his desk. Junk, junk, junk; oh, mom had sent a letter. With the hope of money in mind, he eagerly opened the large envelop, only to find a smaller letter inside with a short note.
Jonghyun
A boy stopped by and left this letter for you. I don’t know who he was, but he was adamant so I thought it best to send it.
Love Mom
With lightly shaking hands, Jonghyun picked up the smaller envelop and found himself smiling wryly at the neatly written Take a wild guess on the front. He gingerly opened the letter, only to find an anticlimactic folded flyer. He unfolded it, distracted when a tiny scrap paper fell down. He picked it up while looking at the flyer, curious as to what prompted Kibum to contact him after so long.
His breath hitched. It was a flyer for open auditions at that same company he’d wanted to join so long ago. He read the scrap paper and his world stopped.
Stop running.
Jonghyun can’t remember the last time he cried this intensely. Before he knew it, his body had already began to run, taking him to the place he'd longed for. To Kibum. Hours later, standing under that streetlight, he stopped and let his mind piece things together. He didn’t mean to show up here. Not again, not like this. But maybe, just maybe, this is what he needed all along. He needed Kibum. But he didn't deserve him. Not yet.
And so he took one last look at that house, with its promise of hot chocolate and warm arms, and walked away. He knew what he had to do.
He stopped running.
---The last time he ran, it was over something worthwhile. It was the one time he would never regret, right next to the first time that brought him to Kibum. He wandered through dark streets of nostalgic neighborhoods, pulling his hood up as it began to rain. How fitting. The weather did little to deter him, Jonghyun still bound for that place he could never escape. The person he never wanted to escape. He stopped under the streetlight, its bulb flickering every now and again, showing its age. He was determined to stay there all night until Kibum would surely notice him. Thankfully, he didn’t wait much longer, turning around when he couldn’t feel the rain anymore.
He met a pair of sharp eyes and smiled.
“You’ll catch a cold…idiot…”
Jonghyun laughed at the other’s bashful, snarky remark. He reached out to ruffle his hair.
“Make me some hot chocolate, blonde.”
They sat in that all too familiar kitchen, drinking that too good cocoa, enjoying an all too comfortable silence. But behind the nostalgic filter, Jonghyun could sense a tenseness, could see that Kibum felt it too. And it was his fault, something he was determined to correct. He finally spoke, carefully, never leaving the depths of those strong eyes.
“I dropped out of med school last semester.”
Those eyes he loved so much widened slightly.
“I auditioned again. I’m an official trainee in Seoul now.”
Kibum almost looked happy, but was hesitating for some reason.
“Then…why did you come back-”
Jonghyun cut him off with a shake of his head.
“I didn’t run away. Let me finish.”
Kibum nodded, slightly flustered.
“I’m also working at a café on the side. I even have my own apartment now.” Jonghyun smiled at the way Kibum’s eyes were glittering now.
“Jjong, I’m so glad-”
“Kibum, come with me.”
There was a long silence, shock flooding the younger’s features. Jonghyun stared at him with all the seriousness he could muster. Kibum had helped him in so many ways, freed him from so many demons, had saved him from himself. And now it was his turn. Kibum had always loved to dance, secretly wanted nothing more than to be a dancer. And Jonghyun wasn’t going to let him settle for less in this small town. Kibum’s not the same as Jonghyun, he’s not a coward; all he needed was a way. And now he had one.
“Kibum…”
They shared a smile.
“Let’s run away.”
Rating: PG (warning: mild mentions of homophobia and bullying)
Word Count: 3,450~
Summary: In which Jonghyun is a runaway and Kibum always seems to have hot chocolate waiting.
Let's Run Away
The first time he ran, it was over something menial, an event so miniscule that no one cared to recall it.
He must’ve been around five years old, on a clear summer day, when a fight with some friends sent Jonghyun running. He hadn’t gotten far before his parents found him, and they shrugged it off as a child’s way of venting.
It wasn’t until years later that running became a habit; a habit he wasn’t willing to break.
----
The first time he ran, it was over something trivial; or at least, that’s how it seemed to others. But Jonghyun remembers it as the day that changed his life. He’d always been reserved, never liking conflict or gossip. He’d keep to himself and ignore others as best he could; but that didn’t mean people would just leave him be. Since first entering middle school, he found himself to be the victim of constant teasing. He wanted to not care, tried so hard not to let their words faze him. But one year passed, followed by another, and the teasing wouldn’t stop, and his shell began to crack, and the pressure began to build. Until one day, he simply lost it. He couldn’t remember the exact comment that broke him, although he had a hunch it was something about looking like a dinosaur, but whatever it was sent him over the edge. One minute he was in a class, having his books tossed and words slurred, and the next minute, he was throwing desks out of the way and running.
Jonghyun ran. He was out of the building. He kept running. Farther and farther. Before long, he couldn’t even see the school building. His lungs were burning and his legs ached. He kept running. There was something liberating about the movement, something that propelled him forward, further and further, until eventually his body couldn’t take anymore. When he finally half-collapsed in an alley, breath heavy and body drenched in sweat, he had no idea where he was. Yet he couldn’t find it in himself to panic, instead finding peace in the unfamiliar surroundings.
He wandered through the streets casually. He ignored how it was starting to get dark. He ignored the cold. He ignored the light rain. He just kept wandering, because it just made him feel so much better. As if all he needed this whole time was to just run away for a bit. He paused under a streetlight and breathed in the cool air, smells of rain and earth bringing a smile to his face. He stood, basking in the rain, until all of a sudden, he couldn’t feel it anymore. Turning around, he was met with a pair of sharp eyes, attached to a boy about his age, who was holding an umbrella over him. Oh.
“You’ll catch a cold if you keep standing there like an idiot.”
Jonghyun couldn’t help smiling at the seemingly harsh words. And he couldn’t stop the laughter bubbling up at the boy’s resulting confusion. God he was just so tired.
He let himself be pulled away by the other boy, who was named Kibum, by the way. Apparently the streetlight he was standing dazed under was right across the street from Kibum’s house. Jonghyun was dragged inside and sat down, the other boy fretting over the disheveled being.
“Hey, what’s your name?”
“Jonghyun.”
He graciously accepted the hot cocoa placed before him.
“Where do you live?”
“Over by Jineul Prep.”
Kibum sputtered into his cup.
“What?!”
Jonghyun stared blankly and shrugged.
“B-but, that’s pretty much the other side of town. What are you doing here? In a uniform even!”
“I just…started running…and I didn’t stop. So I ended up here I guess.”
They sat in a comfortable silence, just drinking their cocoa. Which, by the way, was the best damn hot cocoa he’s ever tasted. He enjoyed the presence of this Kibum kid, liked the way his eyes looked faraway and how his lips pursed in thought. There was something refreshing about him, and Jonghyun liked it almost as much as the run. After their cups were long empty, Kibum broke the silence for the last time that night.
“What were you running from?”
He didn’t answer, because he couldn’t admit it to himself. Kibum tried a different question.
“What were you doing in the rain?”
Jonghyun let a small smile creep onto his lips.
“Dreaming.”
----The next time he ran, it was over something serious. It’d been a while since his last escapade, months since he last saw that Kibum kid. Since that cold, rainy night, he’d managed to get through the school year without much more teasing. He’d graduated and moved on to high school. And he was a lot happier. Jonghyun had the chance to start anew, and by god he took it and worked it. He wasn’t popular by any means, but he had friends that were more than enough, had classmates that he could casually talk to, had people that thought it was cute how he looked like a dinosaur. He still had issues with handling pressure, but had it mostly under control by joining the track team, where he could run his troubles away.
But there was just some pressure that couldn’t be contained on a track field. Things like finding out about your parent’s divorce can’t be dealt with in circles. And so Jonghyun stood, dinner half finished, and was out the door in record time. And he ran. He didn’t realize where his feet were taking him until his body gave way to exhaustion. When he ran, he didn’t think; that was the whole point. However, he was less than a little surprised and more than a little pleased to find himself under a familiar streetlight.
He loitered for god knows how long, glancing unsurely at the house across the street. After a while, he heard a small gasp behind him, and spun to meet a pair of familiar sharp eyes. Jonghyun couldn’t stop his stupid grin and Kibum couldn’t help smiling back, with a sarcastic roll of his eyes.
“It’s the middle of winter you know.”
“Yeah, I know. Chilly huh?”
“You’re going to catch a cold standing there like an idiot.”
“At least it’s not raining this time.” Jonghyun grinned, and followed Kibum as he stormed off in feigned exasperation.
And there they were again, sitting face to face at a table, warm hot chocolate in hand. He didn’t know what the guy put in it, but no matter how he tried, he could never find another drink quite like it. They carried on talking as if it hadn’t been half a year since they’d seen each other.
“So which high school did you end up choosing?”
“Seongsan High. Closest place without a strict hair policy.” Jonghyun shook his blond fringe as if to emphasize his point. Kibum just snorted attractively.
“I’ll keep that place in mind. I’ve been wanting to dye my hair for a while.”
“You’d look good blond.”
“I know.”
They talked about nothing and everything, passing time in the cozy kitchen. Around their third cocoa refill, Jonghyun decided to pull out his phone. Wow that’s a lot of missed calls. Kibum seemed to sense the change in atmosphere, and asked a nostalgic kind of question.
“What were you running from?”
Jonghyun didn’t answer, because he couldn’t. Again. Kibum sighed.
“Okay…well, why do you run?”
Jonghyun smiled. That he could answer.
---The seventh time he ran, it was over something pitiful. Shameful. Disgusting. There weren’t enough adjectives to describe what Jonghyun had done that day. Looking back, this was one of the moments he would regret deeply, along with a few others. But he was just a person, and he had flaws too, but that was no excuse. And it never should have been.
It had been a while since Minho confessed his sexuality to Jonghyun. They had been best friends for years now, and Jonghyun wasn’t one to judge. Plus, Taemin was seriously a cute kid, and how could anyone hold disgust towards them, perhaps the sweetest couple in the world? But Jonghyun knew better, knew not to idealize a situation. Because although he understood, and other friends and classmates might understand, things like homosexuality weren’t exactly broadcasted in South Korea. Kids were different, but adults were harsh, and Jonghyun knew this and warned his friend countless times, be careful be careful be careful. And every time Minho had just laughed it off with a sure, sure or a don’t worry so much hyung or the ever used Taemin looks enough like a girl so no one will know.
But one day they were caught. And the teacher thought it appropriate to call Minho’s parents. Jonghyun walked him home in silence that day. The unspoken words were heavy in his throat, and he felt that pressure in his gut, but he kept walking with Minho, determined to at least make it to his house without running. Because although he couldn’t offer him words of comfort, he could at least show he was there physically. When they reached the doorstep, Minho turned back with a smile masking his worry. Jonghyun did his best to smile back, but he knew it looked forced. And he let him go.
Jonghyun walked away, giving one last glance at the closed door, and began to run. It wasn’t as fast, he wasn’t that desperate. But he needed to feel the adrenaline that running brought him. He was debating visiting Kibum, jogging lightly, since at this rate it would take a while to get there. Deciding against it for now, he stopped on an overpass and slowed his breathing. Feeling a lot calmer already, he pulled out his phone to send a reassuring text, in place of all the words he couldn’t say earlier. What he saw instead sent his head reeling and stomach churning and legs running.
Because Minho was in the hospital. And he needed to get there now. Thankfully the overpass wasn’t far from the place, and he was in sterile hallways and white rooms in no time. A nurse showed him to the room and spoke words that pierced Jonghyun at his core. She said it had been an “accident” that sent Minho down a flight of stairs. And it probably was; no matter how upset they might’ve been, Jonghyun knew Minho’s parents would never do something like throw their kid down the stairs. He opened the door and Minho turned around, a sad smile decorated with a busted lip, a small wave stunted by a cast. Minho spoke but Jonghyun almost couldn’t bear to listen. Because all he could think was this is all my fault. If he had been stronger, if he had stayed behind, this wouldn’t have happened. If he had been the friend he should be, he would’ve stood by Minho’s side, wouldn’t have let him face things alone. But he wasn’t that adequate, and his stupid need to run had taken him away from his friend. Pressure was building in his gut with each sad smile, with each choked word, with every remorseful thought of what if?
And so he cried. Let tears roll down his face as he ran. He ran because he started crying, because he couldn’t take it anymore. He cried because he ran. Again and again, he just ran and ran, further and further, until he was all alone. Alone and cold and shaking and exhausted and god what a horrible human being. And he hated himself so much, so much for running away from Minho, twice now. Self-loathing grew as Kibum’s house came into sight, and disgust grew in his gut when he shamelessly knocked on said house’s door. He was so weak so weak so damn weak.
Kibum opened the door not moments later, smart remarks on the tip of his tongue, but never spilling over. One look at him and Jonghyun was sent into a new fit, tears spilling and breath hitching, and how could Kibum not let him in? They didn’t sit in the kitchen this time, Kibum opting to sit the sobbing mess on his bed and wrap him in a blanket while he made hot chocolate. When he came back, the boy had calmed down, looking up with a tired smile. They sat on the small bed, sipping hot chocolate, no jokes or sarcastic remarks in sight. Kibum knew that’s not what he needed right now, even if Jonghyun didn’t know it himself.
Kibum placed a hand on the other’s knee in reassurance.
“Jjong. Talk to me.”
Jonghyun smiled sadly and slipped his fingers into Kibum’s.
“What were you running from?”
He held on tight.
“Myself.”
---The “I lost count” time he ran, it was over something unexpected. Entrance exams had ended a while ago, and now it was a time of anxiety and waiting. His parents may have split, but that didn’t divide their expectations of Jonghyun. They’d always wanted him to do something great, like go to med school or law school, his grades never proving otherwise. And so, when the acceptance letters came in, there was no surprise. What sent Jonghyun running that day was a letter from Seoul, from an entertainment company he’d forgotten sending an audition tape to.
He held the paper in one hand, a request for a live audition, almost guaranteeing acceptance. In his other hand he gripped a letter from a prominent university, almost guaranteeing future success. The papers shook in his hands, heart reeling at the words, mind spinning in black text. It was a question from his mother that snapped him out of it. Are those acceptance letters honey?
He ran away, not hearing his mother sigh in surrender, not seeing the resignation in her face. He’d be lying to himself if he said he was getting better. But all Jonghyun could do was run away, still just run away.
It was a warm spring day and hot chocolate would’ve been strange, so instead Kibum placed two cups of fresh lemonade on the porch. Sipping slowly, Jonghyun had to wonder whether the boy used magical sugar or enchanted water, because every drink he made was completely addicting. They sat and chatted happily, basking in the kind sunlight. After a while, Jonghyun dug the crumpled papers from his pocket, and handed them to Kibum. He read them over silently before looking back at Jonghyun.
“Jjong…what are you going to do?”
“I…I don’t know.” He smiled sadly, and let out a morbid chuckle, “Maybe I’ll just keep running this time.”
What happened next Jonghyun never expected. Kibum threw the papers in his face, flushed red with anger. Before he could process what was happening, there was a sting on his right cheek and he knew Kibum just slapped me. He looked at the other boy incredulously, but words caught in his throat as he witnessed tears pooling in those sharp eyes.
“You can’t keep running away Jonghyun! You need to stop. Stop running…”
Jonghyun never heard what Kibum said next. Because his ears were ringing, tears were falling, and his legs were running. For once, it didn’t help. Because he had no place to go now. No one to run to. Because it had always been Kibum, could only be Kibum.
Maybe I’ll just keep running.
---Jonghyun never went back to Kibum’s after that. Every time he felt the urge to run and began to take off, his gut would wrench and his legs would cramp and he would feel even more lost. Because he realized a little too late that he wasn’t running to get away. He was running to get to Kibum.
He sighed heavily as he packed up his books, his last class of the day finally over. He hadn’t seen Kibum in almost a year, taking off for that one med school his mother loved right after graduation. He’d never said goodbye to the other boy, never told him which path he’d chosen. Never got to show him how he’d finally stopped running. He’d gone to med school, stayed in a dorm, was working hard for a good future; and not once had he run away.
He collapsed in his empty dorm room, mind swimming with thoughts of Kibum, heart aching with the need for closure. With a long sigh and a come on Jonghyun, stop whining like a bitch, he rolled off of bed and decided to sort through the stack of mail on his desk. Junk, junk, junk; oh, mom had sent a letter. With the hope of money in mind, he eagerly opened the large envelop, only to find a smaller letter inside with a short note.
Jonghyun
A boy stopped by and left this letter for you. I don’t know who he was, but he was adamant so I thought it best to send it.
Love Mom
With lightly shaking hands, Jonghyun picked up the smaller envelop and found himself smiling wryly at the neatly written Take a wild guess on the front. He gingerly opened the letter, only to find an anticlimactic folded flyer. He unfolded it, distracted when a tiny scrap paper fell down. He picked it up while looking at the flyer, curious as to what prompted Kibum to contact him after so long.
His breath hitched. It was a flyer for open auditions at that same company he’d wanted to join so long ago. He read the scrap paper and his world stopped.
Stop running.
Jonghyun can’t remember the last time he cried this intensely. Before he knew it, his body had already began to run, taking him to the place he'd longed for. To Kibum. Hours later, standing under that streetlight, he stopped and let his mind piece things together. He didn’t mean to show up here. Not again, not like this. But maybe, just maybe, this is what he needed all along. He needed Kibum. But he didn't deserve him. Not yet.
And so he took one last look at that house, with its promise of hot chocolate and warm arms, and walked away. He knew what he had to do.
He stopped running.
---The last time he ran, it was over something worthwhile. It was the one time he would never regret, right next to the first time that brought him to Kibum. He wandered through dark streets of nostalgic neighborhoods, pulling his hood up as it began to rain. How fitting. The weather did little to deter him, Jonghyun still bound for that place he could never escape. The person he never wanted to escape. He stopped under the streetlight, its bulb flickering every now and again, showing its age. He was determined to stay there all night until Kibum would surely notice him. Thankfully, he didn’t wait much longer, turning around when he couldn’t feel the rain anymore.
He met a pair of sharp eyes and smiled.
“You’ll catch a cold…idiot…”
Jonghyun laughed at the other’s bashful, snarky remark. He reached out to ruffle his hair.
“Make me some hot chocolate, blonde.”
They sat in that all too familiar kitchen, drinking that too good cocoa, enjoying an all too comfortable silence. But behind the nostalgic filter, Jonghyun could sense a tenseness, could see that Kibum felt it too. And it was his fault, something he was determined to correct. He finally spoke, carefully, never leaving the depths of those strong eyes.
“I dropped out of med school last semester.”
Those eyes he loved so much widened slightly.
“I auditioned again. I’m an official trainee in Seoul now.”
Kibum almost looked happy, but was hesitating for some reason.
“Then…why did you come back-”
Jonghyun cut him off with a shake of his head.
“I didn’t run away. Let me finish.”
Kibum nodded, slightly flustered.
“I’m also working at a café on the side. I even have my own apartment now.” Jonghyun smiled at the way Kibum’s eyes were glittering now.
“Jjong, I’m so glad-”
“Kibum, come with me.”
There was a long silence, shock flooding the younger’s features. Jonghyun stared at him with all the seriousness he could muster. Kibum had helped him in so many ways, freed him from so many demons, had saved him from himself. And now it was his turn. Kibum had always loved to dance, secretly wanted nothing more than to be a dancer. And Jonghyun wasn’t going to let him settle for less in this small town. Kibum’s not the same as Jonghyun, he’s not a coward; all he needed was a way. And now he had one.
“Kibum…”
They shared a smile.
“Let’s run away.”