Random and Busy and Weird

[sarabellae]

I'm thinking about canceling our home phone (land line) to save $50 per month. This prospect worries me a bit because I like the idea that my kid could call 911 if I had a stroke or something. This, folks, is called "free-floating anxiety

Comments

[misterjustin]

In the hope that it helps - you can still dial 911 from a land line even if you don't have service. We're cancelling ours this month and will keep a wired land lane in the house just in case.

[tshuma]

Yes, I was just going to say this. They are required to enable 911 on any residential phone. Actually, I think any phone. Even my senior project android phones that have no cell plan have the ability to call 911.

[sarabellae]

It does. I didn't know that. Thanks.

just some things

[tshuma]

You are enough.
You have enough.
Your children have more than enough--they have abundance.

This next part may seem a bit too helpy, feel free to ignore it:
Sometimes when I'm feeling like this I picture myself as a tiny bird, frantically fluttering my wings in short bursts. When this happens, it helps me to sort of picture myself in a pair of hands cupped into a bowl, not trapped but supported and sheltered. The hands sometimes belong to specific people (B, Ammy, you, etc.) and sometimes they are just sort of made up of everyone who has ever said they loved me. This both gives me a safe place to bring the anxiety forward, into my conscious mind, and a place I can breathe into, releasing the anxiety with my breath out.

I'm sorry you're experiencing so much negative self-judgement. You deserve to hear all the positive bits from yourself, too.

Re: just some things

[sarabellae]

Thanks, dear. No, it's not too helpy. I like your image. I'll see if I can conjure that for myself. I am amazed at the mood swings I have. Love you. xxo

Re: just some things

[kittiliscious]

Tshuma, that is lovely.

[misterjustin]

With a moment to breathe I also wanted to chime and let you know you're not alone. I talk to Monica about these feelings all the time. We both have them

[sarabellae]

Yep. The routine and feelings you describe are very familiar. I've been doing exactly this for almost 8 years now. Sorry to say it, but although about 3 years from now it will get easier in some ways, it will also get harder in others.

Nonetheless, there are a ton of positives to this work-from-home-with-kids arrangement, which I am not able to list right now.

One of the negatives is that it's very easy to lose perspective. I think that's what I was trying to say in this post. I have conflicting notions of how well I am doing/coping/succeeding at any given moment. Sometimes the wave washes me into the "I rock" category, sometimes into the "I fail" category. Some days, it's back and forth, with many dips into both pools.

[dakini_grl]

There's a Peter Gabriel song called "My Head Sounds Like That," and this post reminds me of it. I guess I just want to tell you you're not alone, and I marvel at how parallel logics can exist and roll and tumble and drive thing in us. Weird and amazing, indeed.

It's nice to hear from you, whenever you write, and wherever you do it. I feel less like I'm on an island. I'm listening. =)

Love you.

[sarabellae]

Love you, too. Sometimes I don't know where to *responsibly" put my feelings. I live intertwined with these three amazing and fragile beings and don't want to unload on them (though sometimes I do). Public me/private me/intimate me/real me/successful me/damaged me/striving me/failed me. It's all me. Thank you for seeing me. Thanks for reading. xoxox

[mrplanet4]

I know that feeling! Holy mackerel it's so pervasive...

I don't have a fix, but I do have sympathy.