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WASHINGTON, DC area - explained
For those who plan to visit/move to our area...
First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is DC or 'the District' - only tourists call it Washington .
Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one: it's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete. In DC, it doesn’t matter. Whatever road you want is probably one-way in the opposite direction from what you want.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the Baltimore-Washington Parkway . And in DC if you hear a bang, it’s not a car backfiring; but in VA or MD there’s a 50-50 chance it might be.
All directions start with “The Beltway…” which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop. Locals believe this is somehow clarified by an 'inner loop' and 'outer loop' designation, but which makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.
If you get over in the exit or entrance ramps for an interstate in a timely fashion, you are definitely a tourist. You’re supposed to either get over early and cruise down the shoulder at 90mph, or wait until 3” before you pass it, to exit.
The morning rush hour is from 5-11am. The evening rush hour is from 1-8pm. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound. During rush hour, all laws are suspended - and it’s everyone for themselves.
If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. (Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington - it's Prince Georges County to them. They'll burst a blood vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.)
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 'picture' you will receive courtesy of DMV. However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, and probably rear-ended as well.
It is illegal to drive faster than 5mph past an accident or disabled vehicle or policeman writing a ticket. You must stop and stare before you pass any of these. The farther off the road they are, the more you should look. You must not stop and offer help of any kind, however. Also, if you hear a siren, make sure you do not stop or move over; just slow down to 15mph, or stop and park in the middle of the roadway.
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the nearest grocery store for toilet paper and milk and bread.
Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an 'Interstate,' but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick (unless you consider Montgomery County another state, as some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a 'Spur' section which is even more confusing.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, 'Oh, we're in Takoma Park .'
If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist. Car horns are actually 'Road Rage' indicators. Heed the warning.
Before you call 911 to report that bad driver, consider this: it’s probably an unmarked police car. The laws don’t apply to the police. Even if they’re out of jurisdiction, in which case your local cops allow them to do as they please as a “professional courtesy.”
All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
If asking directions in Arlington , Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan: Spanish helps. In Annandale : Cambodian or Vietnamese will come in handy. If on Dupont Circle , Capital Hill or U Street : tolerance for same-sex helps. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast... well, just don't.
Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing more comforting than seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER! (Truer words have never been written!)
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the 'slow' lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also, as long as the car ahead or behind isn't a police car.
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official 'chat' lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones.
All SUVs have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in. And you must NOT drive an SUV below the speed limit in inclement weather. You will be boo'ed off the road.
The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap-in and collect points as you go.