Fears and Insecurities
Just to get them out there, as a kind of catharsis.
(A)Fears.
1. My mother dying. Not that it's not an inevitability, but she's the person I'm closest to in this world, (she's a theatre critic and my mentor and clown and pal and...) who's always in my corner, who always makes me laugh, at myself, too, and makes me feel better. When she does die, I shan't really be alive anymore.
Rebuttal: Your mother's still alive. That's more than most people have, you cowardly wretch. Quitcherbitchin'.
2. Dying alone/losing health/etc. Pretty par for the course for a single woman.
Rebuttal: Lots of women with kids die alone. Quit conforming to what society says you should fear.
(B)Insecurities.
1. Not being a good Method actress. Or an actress at all, really.
2. Being a lousy actors' director. I once had a dream (not an aspiration-dream, a sleep-dream) that I was explaining something to an actor and he was so *lighting up* with understanding. I was so thrilled, in the dream, I mean.
3. Singing. There's a whole-nuther-post about this somewhere, but not now.
4. Appearance. That's - Latinish, curly-haired, 250-pound 5'2" woman. What part of that is held up as a beauty ideal by society?
5. Just not doing anything and being a general failure in life.
Unusually for me, I'm locking this to comments because I don't... how do I put this... I don't want to seem like I'm trawling for sympathy. (I'm not above trawling for sympathy, rest assured! Just... this seems too trivial and pampered and childish.)
And while we're on the subject, how dare someone like me - First-World-pampered person with hot and cold running water and electricity and enough money to buy groceries and get on the Internet - and a car and a loving family, yet - even have any negative feelings at all???? Yeah, I know I'm reverting - for a while there I did read a book on self-compassion and tried to sympathize with my Painful Plight, but you know, what the fuck. Really. Boo fucking hoo. I cannot sympathize. Right now I'm back to where I want to donate my organs to someone who deserves them and if I could give them the talents I have and am not using, I would, too. Lazy and self-indulgent and a whiner. I absolutely hate and resent people who create a 'hierarchy of pain' - like, "He's got no problems, look at MEEE!" and yet, I do it. I resent people better off than me, and pooh-pooh their problems. And... God, it's too depressing to go on.
I have no idea why you've read this far. I'm... sorry, I guess? I did warn you in the lj-cut text...