Extroversion and relationships

[sarahf]

(Because it's not all just cancer cancer cancer all the time. It's also relationships and breakups and life and love in and around the cancer

Comments

[rosefox]

I don't have anyone to...witness my days, to validate and recognize the inconsequentialities that make up a life

Thank you for putting this into words--I didn't realize other people had this urge. I use LJ and Twitter for a lot of it; I'd estimate that I've blogged something like 300,000 words a year for the past almost 16 years. Crowdsourcing intimate observation, basically.

When the thing I did for myself was literally to spend some quality time with my partner, then it's hard to find something to do for myself when I DON'T have a partner. So the question is...who am I without that and how do I find ways to recharge?Those are two different, very big questions. Right now, from a practical perspective, I'd suggest answering the second one first, and let the answer to the first one emerge over time as you observe yourself in new situations

[sarahf]

They are different questions, aren't they? Good point.

I'm...failing to do anything. This morning I slept, but that was depression dragging me down and I went very willingly to avoid a thing that'd just happened. Then the afternoon was packed solid with kids and the Homework Monster.

I've got embroidery I want to do, both silk ribbon and cross stitch. But it feels like a waste of time. :( Even though I KNOW it'll feel good.

And I have TV shows I want to watch, but ditto. I want to finish organizing my house, but to do that, I need to get my treadmill here from my ex's house, which requires able bodies and a truck (because most of what I need to do is put books on bookcases, which requires moving bookcases because of treadmill placement...). And that's just...annoying logistics and really, no one to ask to help me.

Hmm.

[rosefox]

The "waste of time" feeling is the one to tackle, I think. It sounds like spending time with a partner has been sort of your sneaky way of justifying self-care by saying it's really about being devoted to someone else. Now you don't have that excuse and you have to consciously, explicitly prioritize being good to yourself. That's not a thing people are generally taught or encouraged to do, so you have a lot of social conditioning to overcome

comment part one:

[ceciliatan]

This dilemma sounds a lot like a very close friend of ours who is what I call a super-caretaker. She's always there with anything you need if you're in a crisis, is the one who is there for her partners whenever they have any kind of need, emotional, logistical, etc... but she would have these sudden sometimes inexplicable health breakdowns. Like her heart literally needing to be re-started in the ER. I eventually came to believe that many of these health crises were her body giving out in order to force her to take care of herself instead of others and over the course of years and therapy (and some changes of primary relationships) she's learned more how to get what she needs without just giving away every ounce of herself. It's a catch-22 because giving away every ounce of herself "makes her happy" and yet it's just not sustainable

comment part two

[ceciliatan]

I guess I don't have a grand conclusion to come to here, other than to say maybe you're still not over it and that can really be a barrier to forming a new relationship. Not to mention massive health stuff can also create emotional barriers, even when you really need someone. Right now you can't be someone else's everything: you need to be your own something, and figure out what that is. Yeah, it's totally a platitude but it keeps coming up again and again: we can't be good partners if we can't be good individuals and you do need to figure out what is it that Sarah wants for herself other than someone else? Who is Sarah when she's on her own and not a half or a third of a relationship? Sarah is not her cancer and is not her kids and is not her work, although those are all elements that define her life. But they're not who you ARE

[ceciliatan]

Oh, but I was going to suggest finding an activity to do that is for *you* and instead of it being a sit at home alone activity (like painting or some other solitary creative act) for the extrovert in you have it be some kind of a group class or group activity. Martial arts? Community choir? Dance lessons? Something not overly physically strenuous given what your body is going to go through but not something related to books either? A once a week thing for a limited time, like an adult ed class, so you're not locked into it forever and it won't be tons of money. You'll get to interact with people who aren't doctors or family and you'll create a space where you just get to be yourself without being someone's other half or someone's patient or someone's mom. Just once a week. To see how that feels.