It's bullshit all the way down

[sarahf]

Came on here to write a long-overdue update and found this as a draft: "If I'm my best self -- or trying to be -- and that best self is never enough...or sometimes it's too much...what's the fucking point of anything?" I have no idea when I first wrote that, but yeah, that about sums it up

Comments

Bullshit indeed

[ext_3460260]

That you managed to get yourself to the computer to post an update is an achievement unto itself. I won't tell you to find joy in the little things because... WTF, especially when you can barely lift your head off the pillow to make conversation.
Yay for eating, at least, when you are able, and for not having that taken from you, and double yay for your amazing friends who are probably so happy to be able to do something for you since they can't take the treatments on your behalf.
Thanks for the update - that you took the time and energy to write it when both are so clearly at a premium for you is much appreciated. I hope you find something satisfying to do next, like axe-throwing. Now go sleep - you deserve it.

Update

[ext_3460343]

Rest. You are loved. B

[poisontaster]

Chemo was a horrible experience for me and I remember one time I was sitting in the chemo room getting treatment with two other women, an elderly woman and a third woman who was somewhere in-between me and the elder. And the in-betweener was just TALKING AND TALKING and going on and on about how chemo was just no big deal for her, she was a little tired the day after, but otherwise, it was all going fine for her and she hadn't slowed down one little bit...on and on. And between the Benadryl and feeling like utter shit, I was just lying there wishing she'd SHUT THE FUCK UP, but saying anything was too much effort, plus she wasn't talking to me.

And then out of nowhere, the elder spoke up in this completely withering tone of voice and said, "Well, I just HATE IT!" Shut the in-betweener down completely. And I lifted my head and smiled at her.

And I always think of that, when people do that jollying along thing. Chemo sucks, yo.

[ext_3307779]

I am so glad to hear you had help after the last two treatments. Sending all good thoughts and hugs and omg best selves are highly overrated. Just be.

[janedavitt]

I wish I lived close enough to be a practical help. And being brave and fierce is extra work you do not have to do. I think people want you to be brave so they don't have to feel as sorry for you because that brings them down and they don't like it. Which is selfish as hell on their part and they should be braver, damn it.

I hope 2016 is a year you look back on as a distant memory as soon as possible. I wish I could woosh you through it and out the other side.