You Slow It Down (1D, StepOne!AU)
You Slow It Down
Louis' side o iguessthati #39;s Step One universe
because I've been in love with this character
as long as I've known my chinchilla.
9 December - 1533 words
Warnings: depression, self-harm, feral children, harry is a cat, ocd, anger management issues, anxiety disorder.
Louis knows why he is walking into the clinic today, but the slow-healing slits wrapped tight under bandages on his wrists didn't help him feel better about it. He hadn't even really been serious, but Fizz had found him before he'd cleaned up this time.
It wasn't an attention-seeking thing for him. It wasn't about feeling alive or dealing with pain. Louis simply didn't have anything worth staying alive for. Life was bland and honestly sort of disappointing. He couldn't very well explain that to his mom, who would cry and moan for days. He loved his family, sure, but they were hard to live with sometimes and really, he just didn't have that family tie that most people did.
He understood that this was all due to a chemical imbalance in his brain, at least on a logical level. That knowledge didn't encourage him to stick around, though. Who knew? Maybe whatever comes after would be better than this bleak life.
Apparently not everyone thought this way, however, and so Louis is being forced to endure therapy for his "condition" - the lady he'd been forced to talk with after Fizz had found him was adamant that it was only a condition, not an illness, insanity, or other type of malady. Louis kind of thought that was bullshit.
Louis is really sick of bullshit.
He glares once more at the sign over the main entrance for good measure and hunches his shoulders a little before heading in. They'd neve fix im or whatever line they wanted to feed him about his condition. As far as Louis’ concerned, he is fine. The people who thought there was something more to this life, they’re the ones who need help.
His feet led him to the receptionist's desk, where a dark-haired nurse with a wry smile asked why he was here.
"Tomlinson, Louis. Unclassified depression."
"Oh, you're the new arrival! Here's the necessary paperwork, and if you take fifteen minutes to fill it out, I'll get to take you on your tour!" She winks at him, smile soft, and Louis feels an odd shiver of reassurance. This one, at least, was not treating him like he was different.
He sits down with the paperwork, dutifully filling out all of the inane information that they already had from his doctor's files. The pen is scratchy, ink refusing to flow, and Louis really hopes that isn't some sort of metaphor for his life here.
For a few minutes, he sits stiffly in the entry room's plastic chairs, pen scritch-scratching away. It’s all very standard, and he'd gotten really good at paperwork somewhere along the route of growing up too fast - but his mom had needed his help to keep the girls together, and he didn't begrudge her that. (He maybe begrudged her the fact that she hadn’t cried when Fizz told her, just sighed and said “This too?” to herself - or maybe God? - before reaching out to hold Louis’ hand while she “called a professional”).
Over the muddle of his mind, the sound of a rather loud and grumpy older nurse not-quite-yelling at the nurse with the wry smile filters in. He can’t quite make out what she is upset about, but the younger nurse is visibly shaken. He’s mostly done with the paperwork, so he makes to get up - standing up for other people is second nature to him, after looking out for four younger sisters. The dark-haired nurse catches his eye upon the movement, however, and shakes her head softly. He stops, frozen in the moment before rising, desperate to at least catch some of the conversation and understand what the problem is - Louis is kind of nosy, yeah, but with good reason generally - and is rewarded when the younger nurse raises her voice a little.
“You know as well as I do that if you go to talk to him, he’ll just curl in on himself. He responds to me the most often, let me do it!”
“You would do well to remember your place in the ranks here, miss.” The older nurse’s voice was cold and sharp. Louis really hoped that she wasn’t going to give him the tour. She probably had a ‘patient voice’ that would be even more grating than this.
“I’m sorry, ma’am. I respectfully request the opportunity to take on this hardship. There is a new arrival who will need his tour soon - may I also take on that responsibility?” Louis could have sworn that he saw the nurse wink at him, and the other woman just sighs loudly and mutters her consent.
The dark-haired nurse smiles properly this time, and Louis can’t help but think of his mom for a second. He curl his fingers around his wrists tightly, the rough fabric of his bandages - not to come off for another six hours, please - grating against his fingertips. He winces a little as the squeeze gets tight enough to press into the cuts beneath the wrappings, not quite healed. He sighs in relief as the pain clears his head, but the nurse looks sad suddenly - and he’s not sure why, but he doesn’t want her to be sad.
He walks back up to the desk gingerly, pushing his paperwork at her without saying a word. It’s weird, knowing that someone knows your deepest secret. Louis isn’t sure that he’ll ever get used to it. He definitely wishes he’d worn long sleeves this morning, instead of this darn striped shirt - but he loves the stripes, loves that Lottie bought him this shirt for Christmas the one year they had enough to buy each other presents like that.
The other nurse makes a tutting noise before bustling in to take the paperwork from them both. She narrows her eyes at the younger nurse before shooing her out the little side door to where Louis is still standing awkwardly.
“Hi, Louis. I’m Elizabeth, the newest member of the staff here. I’m sure we’ll get along swimmingly.” He’s not sure he’s ever heard anyone use the word swimmingly without being ironic before. He maybe likes it. She doesn’t wait for him to respond, just keeps talking as she ushers him out into a long hallway.
“I’ll be giving you a tour of the facilities, explaining where you’re allowed, where you need supervision, etcetera. I’ll also give you an overview of the regular schedule, and hopefully introduce you to some of the boys, if you’re up for it.”
Louis nods, tries to look vaguely excited for her because it’s clear that she loves it here. He wonders how anyone could enjoy working in a mental hospital, but doesn’t have the nerve to ask her. Her smile is bright and real, and it scares him just a little because he remembers those smiles but doesn’t know how to smile them anymore. He’s afraid that it will be his fault when she stops smiling like that (because it is a when, not an if - no one smiles those smiles forever).
They meander through the building, drifting through the wide halls of sparkling white. There are doors everywhere, and the nurse - Elizabeth, he thinks - explains the important ones (the cafeteria) and the ones he can’t go through without supervision (the backyard) and the ones he’ll never have to go through (the administrative offices). He tries to remember the layout, but it all connects anyway, so he’ll never truly be lost - and there are signs everywhere.
They come to a flight of stairs only to stop abruptly. Louis stumbles a little bit and winces as he catches himself, wrists stinging with the weight of his body.
“We’re headed up to the dormitory level now, Louis. You will have your own room for now, but we will probably have to give you a roommate at some point. We just don’t have the space to keep everyone on their own.”
“Sounds... cool, I guess?”
“I think so, but then again I don’t live here.”
Louis smiled a little - not a big one, but something honest, at least. It doesn’t reach his eyes, really, and in the back of his mind he’s setting out schedules, hoping his soon-to-be roommate will be an early to bed, early to rise kind of person so that he can have time alone in the room. He hasn’t thought out how he’s going to get something sharp, but that’ll come along shortly, he thinks.
The nurse just smiles softly and heads up the stairs. Louis trundles up after her, trying not to feel out of place already. The stairs are oddly narrow and uneven, but he manages not to trip. He reaches the top triumphantly, greeted by a beaming nurse and a long hallway.
At the end of the hallway is a tall, bright window. Louis can see the whole of England outside that window, he’s certain, and the rolling green leaves him a little breathless. On the sill of the window is a large, dark lump that might be human shaped - but the light of the windows is too stark a contrast to be sure.