forever is made of this
forever is made of this
yoochun ♥ junsu | bff!jaechun
oneshot | RL | pg-13
a/n: continuation to a strand of you and me. :3 not betaed. happy ending? perhaps. my fluff is failing. acckkk. D:
-
Cigarette tastes so bland on Yoochun’s tongue, the kretek losing the appeal once Yoochun had a feel of Junsu on his lips - the sweet concoction a memory that he rarely wants to visit but could not quite forget. Theirs was a strenuous affair, sweet yet dangerous, one Yoochun hates to end but could not afford to continue.
He inhales deep, taking the smoke and cold together into his lungs, a deathly match that would certainly kills him one day. Jaejoong is beside him, staring and looking amusedly at him.
“How long do you plan to act like this?”
“Like what?”
“Don’t shit me, Chunah. You love him, don’t you.”
“Loved, hyung.”
Jaejoong exhales loudly, before rapping his knuckles hard against the side of Yoochun’s head. Yoochun yelps, almost jumping out of his skin.
“What the- hyung!”
Jaejoong rolls his eyes, pink lips pursing in a mock pout that speaks of experience. Yoochun sighs, and gives in. If anything, Jaejoong is the expert in heartache and one-sided love, Yoochun thinks regretfully, knowing that the eldest of them has a lot of pain in him that makes him the way he is - strong but untouchable.
“You two dance around each other with hands tied behind your backs, each wanting to reach out but you fear of people catching you doing it. I see the ways you look at Junsu when he’s not looking, and Junsu watching you when he thinks you’re not watching - and I’m thinking these two boys are so stupid because it only takes me a second to recognize the love you guys spent ten years pretending not needing.”
He hears Jaejoong’s ramble half-heartedly, knowing that Jaejoong is always right and there is no point in arguing with his logics even when they sometimes make little sense. Yoochun looks down in his hands, hoping the lines of fate etched on his palms would tell clues of what he is supposed to do. He is not Junsu, he could not go on pretending he is not in love with Junsu - his heart is too fragile for Junsu’s hands, he thinks - too fragile to leave it in the face of the unknowns that come with loving Junsu.
To put it simply, Yoochun is afraid. Scared shitless because love is never forever for him - he does not believe in forever. People come and go, and while Junsu is someone he needs, Junsu is also too valuable to be gambled in a game he knows he would lose. Junsu loves freely, and Yoochun is not really a sharing-is-caring type. He knows he would want Junsu to himself if he has the man in his grasp. That possessive streak in him warns him that future would be bleak if he ever comes near Junsu with the intention to love.
“Hyung-ah, why can’t I love you instead? You would love me, and you won’t hurt me. You would take good care of my heart, you would let me come to you with promises of nothing and give me everything. Why can’t I love you instead, hyung? Why?”, Yoochun asks breathlessly, tears choking his words into ragged confession. Jaejoong shakes his head and clucks his tongue, half-hugging Yoochun with one arm and puffing a warm breath to the side of Yoochun’s neck before he whispers slowly, but passionately, with love and conviction,
“Because you don’t need me like you need Junsu. When your world is getting dark, you don’t see me because he’s the only one with the light and your heart. You can kiss me for comfort but you will need Junsu to bring you to the stars, to take you where you want to go. I can’t do that for you, my shoulders are too weak to carry the weight of our dreams together. We lean against each other because we are two souls carved from the same kind of hurt, Chunah…we are lonely people who aren’t capable to feel people even when surrounded by millions. We want to love but we are scared it would scar us. You love me and I love you…more than life itself…but we are not in love with each other. ”
“Hyung- I- you-“, Yoochun looks to his side, his red-rimmed eyes speak empathy. Jaejoong dismisses it with a flick of a hand, this is not his time, it’s Yoochun’s and Junsu’s.
“Don’t make a mistake you shouldn’t be making, Yoochun. You have the love, it takes only you grasping a bit to your right and you’ll find it there, willing and waiting for you. I don’t have that privilege, Chunah, and I’ll be very angry if you don’t take the chance and use it.”
Jaejoong turns and smiles, wistful and beautiful, and Yoochun knows now why some people are afraid of loving Jaejoong - his truth is sometimes to painful to take in and it takes someone with a strong heart to accept that responsibility. There is someone close to the description in Yoochun’s mind, but he rather not speak of it, knowing Jaejoong’s scar is too raw to be poke on lest it bleeds again.
“I do love him, hyung. But an affair is not what I have in mind - Junsu is too…precious for that. I can’t afford…I can’t lose him, hyung.”
“Don’t you know that love is only worth having when it comes with the fear of losing? Like a gem, a diamond - we can appreciate it so much because we know that there are others who want to have it.”
Yoochun nods, agreeing but tears fall still. Junsu has run away too far in his mind, too far for Yoochun to catch back into his arms.
“It’s been 10 years, hyung. There’s no way-“
“Yoochun.”, Jaejoong’s tone is one of reprimands, one of his fingers poking Yoochun’s cheek. “I told you I see it. I see you and Junsu. I know there’s love there.”
“What if he doesn’t love me like he used to, hyung? What if-“
“Why don’t you ask that to me yourself?”
Both Yoochun and Jaejoong turn, and there he is, Junsu standing at the door of the fire escape that leads to the roof with a flushed face and too-red eyes. Jaejoong bites his lips and mutters a lame made-up excuse, before disappearing quickly from where Junsu came in.
“Su-ah…I-“
The breaths are knocked out of Yoochun before he could say one more word, and Yoochun had to blink several times to believe that he is holding Junsu in his arms.
“You fool. You, fool, you.”
It has been too long, too long…they both think as they kiss, desperate and painful and digging deep into each other’s souls, taking and taking and taking and trying to give. There is still nothing that they can promise each other, no forever, no love engraved in gold rings, no certified piece of paper that says they belong, no nothing, no everything - but they kiss anyway, because without this they might as well not have anything at all.
“You eavesdropped.”
Junsu nods, not shameful. “I’m glad I did.” It nearly breaks Junsu that Yoochun is looking at him, really looking at him, it had been so long indeed, “I missed you, Yoochunah. I really do.”
“What did we do? God. Ten years, Su-ah. Ten years.” Yoochun says, their foreheads touching and lips moving against each other.
“And we are still together. No one in between us, Chun. Even when you’re not with me, I can’t…take others inside. You left my arms but you live in my heart. You made a home out of the ruins, and refused to go even when I tried hard to shove you out. Stubborn bastard, you.”
Yoochun laughs, his first honest laughter in ten years, and the first one where his soul finally takes flight in Junsu’s tearful smile.
“Don’t ever leave me. Please. Be my best friend if you must, but just…don’t leave. I need you.” I love you, Yoochunah, I do.
Holding Junsu close, Yoochun finally realizes,
“I won’t, Su-ya. I won’t…not again.”
...his forever is made of this.
- [THE END]
yoochun ♥ junsu | bff!jaechun
oneshot | RL | pg-13
a/n: continuation to a strand of you and me. :3 not betaed. happy ending? perhaps. my fluff is failing. acckkk. D:
-
Cigarette tastes so bland on Yoochun’s tongue, the kretek losing the appeal once Yoochun had a feel of Junsu on his lips - the sweet concoction a memory that he rarely wants to visit but could not quite forget. Theirs was a strenuous affair, sweet yet dangerous, one Yoochun hates to end but could not afford to continue.
He inhales deep, taking the smoke and cold together into his lungs, a deathly match that would certainly kills him one day. Jaejoong is beside him, staring and looking amusedly at him.
“How long do you plan to act like this?”
“Like what?”
“Don’t shit me, Chunah. You love him, don’t you.”
“Loved, hyung.”
Jaejoong exhales loudly, before rapping his knuckles hard against the side of Yoochun’s head. Yoochun yelps, almost jumping out of his skin.
“What the- hyung!”
Jaejoong rolls his eyes, pink lips pursing in a mock pout that speaks of experience. Yoochun sighs, and gives in. If anything, Jaejoong is the expert in heartache and one-sided love, Yoochun thinks regretfully, knowing that the eldest of them has a lot of pain in him that makes him the way he is - strong but untouchable.
“You two dance around each other with hands tied behind your backs, each wanting to reach out but you fear of people catching you doing it. I see the ways you look at Junsu when he’s not looking, and Junsu watching you when he thinks you’re not watching - and I’m thinking these two boys are so stupid because it only takes me a second to recognize the love you guys spent ten years pretending not needing.”
He hears Jaejoong’s ramble half-heartedly, knowing that Jaejoong is always right and there is no point in arguing with his logics even when they sometimes make little sense. Yoochun looks down in his hands, hoping the lines of fate etched on his palms would tell clues of what he is supposed to do. He is not Junsu, he could not go on pretending he is not in love with Junsu - his heart is too fragile for Junsu’s hands, he thinks - too fragile to leave it in the face of the unknowns that come with loving Junsu.
To put it simply, Yoochun is afraid. Scared shitless because love is never forever for him - he does not believe in forever. People come and go, and while Junsu is someone he needs, Junsu is also too valuable to be gambled in a game he knows he would lose. Junsu loves freely, and Yoochun is not really a sharing-is-caring type. He knows he would want Junsu to himself if he has the man in his grasp. That possessive streak in him warns him that future would be bleak if he ever comes near Junsu with the intention to love.
“Hyung-ah, why can’t I love you instead? You would love me, and you won’t hurt me. You would take good care of my heart, you would let me come to you with promises of nothing and give me everything. Why can’t I love you instead, hyung? Why?”, Yoochun asks breathlessly, tears choking his words into ragged confession. Jaejoong shakes his head and clucks his tongue, half-hugging Yoochun with one arm and puffing a warm breath to the side of Yoochun’s neck before he whispers slowly, but passionately, with love and conviction,
“Because you don’t need me like you need Junsu. When your world is getting dark, you don’t see me because he’s the only one with the light and your heart. You can kiss me for comfort but you will need Junsu to bring you to the stars, to take you where you want to go. I can’t do that for you, my shoulders are too weak to carry the weight of our dreams together. We lean against each other because we are two souls carved from the same kind of hurt, Chunah…we are lonely people who aren’t capable to feel people even when surrounded by millions. We want to love but we are scared it would scar us. You love me and I love you…more than life itself…but we are not in love with each other. ”
“Hyung- I- you-“, Yoochun looks to his side, his red-rimmed eyes speak empathy. Jaejoong dismisses it with a flick of a hand, this is not his time, it’s Yoochun’s and Junsu’s.
“Don’t make a mistake you shouldn’t be making, Yoochun. You have the love, it takes only you grasping a bit to your right and you’ll find it there, willing and waiting for you. I don’t have that privilege, Chunah, and I’ll be very angry if you don’t take the chance and use it.”
Jaejoong turns and smiles, wistful and beautiful, and Yoochun knows now why some people are afraid of loving Jaejoong - his truth is sometimes to painful to take in and it takes someone with a strong heart to accept that responsibility. There is someone close to the description in Yoochun’s mind, but he rather not speak of it, knowing Jaejoong’s scar is too raw to be poke on lest it bleeds again.
“I do love him, hyung. But an affair is not what I have in mind - Junsu is too…precious for that. I can’t afford…I can’t lose him, hyung.”
“Don’t you know that love is only worth having when it comes with the fear of losing? Like a gem, a diamond - we can appreciate it so much because we know that there are others who want to have it.”
Yoochun nods, agreeing but tears fall still. Junsu has run away too far in his mind, too far for Yoochun to catch back into his arms.
“It’s been 10 years, hyung. There’s no way-“
“Yoochun.”, Jaejoong’s tone is one of reprimands, one of his fingers poking Yoochun’s cheek. “I told you I see it. I see you and Junsu. I know there’s love there.”
“What if he doesn’t love me like he used to, hyung? What if-“
“Why don’t you ask that to me yourself?”
Both Yoochun and Jaejoong turn, and there he is, Junsu standing at the door of the fire escape that leads to the roof with a flushed face and too-red eyes. Jaejoong bites his lips and mutters a lame made-up excuse, before disappearing quickly from where Junsu came in.
“Su-ah…I-“
The breaths are knocked out of Yoochun before he could say one more word, and Yoochun had to blink several times to believe that he is holding Junsu in his arms.
“You fool. You, fool, you.”
It has been too long, too long…they both think as they kiss, desperate and painful and digging deep into each other’s souls, taking and taking and taking and trying to give. There is still nothing that they can promise each other, no forever, no love engraved in gold rings, no certified piece of paper that says they belong, no nothing, no everything - but they kiss anyway, because without this they might as well not have anything at all.
“You eavesdropped.”
Junsu nods, not shameful. “I’m glad I did.” It nearly breaks Junsu that Yoochun is looking at him, really looking at him, it had been so long indeed, “I missed you, Yoochunah. I really do.”
“What did we do? God. Ten years, Su-ah. Ten years.” Yoochun says, their foreheads touching and lips moving against each other.
“And we are still together. No one in between us, Chun. Even when you’re not with me, I can’t…take others inside. You left my arms but you live in my heart. You made a home out of the ruins, and refused to go even when I tried hard to shove you out. Stubborn bastard, you.”
Yoochun laughs, his first honest laughter in ten years, and the first one where his soul finally takes flight in Junsu’s tearful smile.
“Don’t ever leave me. Please. Be my best friend if you must, but just…don’t leave. I need you.” I love you, Yoochunah, I do.
Holding Junsu close, Yoochun finally realizes,
“I won’t, Su-ya. I won’t…not again.”
...his forever is made of this.
- [THE END]