deeper conversation: chapter 9
deeper conversation: chapter 9
yunho ♥ jaejoong
chaptered | AU | nc-17
a/n: late update, ackk, but it's better late than never, right? >_<" thank you for reading. ♥
--
“I think I’m in love with you!”, Yunho suddenly burst out, red face and breathing hard. Hearing this out of the blue, one had to be surprised, of course, and that’s exactly just how I reacted - eyes going as wide as saucers and mouth gaping at him like a stupid fish. Yunho’s face turned blue before it slowly went colorless - paling as the moments passed without my answer.
“Yunhoya…are you sure?”, I finally managed to give a verbal reply, seeing that Yunho was holding his breath like that. He slumped back down on the sofa and sighed, cradling his head in his palms.
“I think so…”
“You can’t just think so! This is not something you just say to someone because you ‘think so’!”, I hissed out, annoyed. Yunho sighed again, and I can feel the hesitance when he spoke to me, although there was also something there - an honesty that said he was speaking from his heart.
“This is the first time for me, Jaejoong-ah…I…I’ve never been in love with anyone before. I’ve had lovers, yes, but no one…no one has ever made me feel this way. If you’re asking whether I’m sure I’m in love with you or not, I would have to say I don’t know, because how does falling in love feels like? You tell me. But one thing I’m more sure than life itself…is that you make me special, you care for me, you make me happier than anyone have ever made me and I really feel like…you understand me.”, he said tentatively, not looking up at me. I inhaled deeply, gathering some much needed composure. His words touched deep into my soul, because there were truths in there that couldn’t be denied. Yunho is special to me, I really care about him and it’s my greatest pleasure to make him happy, but I….I can’t explain why I was feeling this way. So many things were unsorted, and it felt like one big mess with webs of complexities tangling in and out with each other.
A love confession. How long has it been? The last time anyone had ever confessed they were in love with me was more than 8 years ago - it really surprised me that I never stumble into a new relationship after falling out of that. Yoochun was the last person that I have ever been truly in love with, yet it all ended because the sparks died down faster than I thought it would. I fell out of love with Yoochun before, so maybe…I would fall out of love with Yunho as well? This thought kept flashing in my head like a broken slideshow. I kept thinking…would Yunho and I have the same fate as Yoochun and I did? Would he find someone else in the future and dump me because I can’t love him enough? I know I was being a wimp by being scared of something that might not happen, but I can’t help it. And this is Yunho - the one person that I certainly don’t ever want to hurt. He’s been too scarred by life to be further scarred by me, and I, for that matter, don’t deserve to do this to him. Out of my realization, he has become someone important - a lovable person I hold dear to my heart and vow to protect with all my might, even if it means protecting him from myself.
Tears fell down before I can stop it. It came out in one lonely drop after the next, and once it started, there was nothing else I can do but to let them all out. Why am I being like this? I felt like a bad person for not being able to reply to Yunho’s confession in the same fervor. He loves me, he really loves me and I was the luckiest man alive to be on the receiving end of that love. Yet it felt like a burden - to be honest I wasn’t expecting this at all, though it had crossed my mind that our relationship was progressing to a new level as days went by. I wasn’t expecting him to confess suddenly like that, hell I wasn’t expecting him to fall in love with me!
“Yunhoya…”, I said, moving to sit on the coffee table in front of him. I grabbed his hands and pulled them off his face, yet he still looked down, avoiding my eyes. I needed him to be 100 percent sure of this, because this is important to me and to him. I can’t helped but think there’s a possibility he has confused his gratitude with love, and I’m really too old to be playing ‘boyfriends’ without thinking seriously anymore. If we were to start something serious, we had to be certain with our feelings first.
“…I really appreciate what you’ve said. But you have to realize this is a very serious matter to me, and to tell you the truth I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. It’s been too long since anybody confessed to me...”
He was still looking at the floor, his hands in mine curling and slightly shaking, “…Are you rejecting me the nice way, Jaejoong? Because if you are, you might as well just say it-“
“I’m not rejecting you!”, I cut in, tightening my hold on his hands. Yunho looked up at this, and when our eyes met, I swear I could feel our souls connected in that few milliseconds. He suddenly looked like he was about to cry again, and immediately I felt a headache coming on followed by the torrents of tears.
“I’m asking you to give me some time to think about this, Yunho…like I’ve said, this is something serious for me. I need to be sure what I really feel about you and about us, and I need to know you’re really sure of what you feel too. I can’t allow us to jump into this blindly, Yunhoya…without thinking of the consequences. You do know I have a son, I’m ten years older than you, and I’m your supervisor. We’ve already crossed the line when we became…intimate like this...when we shouldn’t professionally. We really shouldn’t have started this…but things happened and there’s no way we can undo the past. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying I regret knowing you, Yunhoya…how could I? You’re wonderful and sweet and everything that I find attractive in a man…but for us to be in a serious relationship? There’s so many obstacles we have to go through, Yunhoya...We can hide and pretend when we have affairs, but relationship…relationship is a different matter altogether. I don’t want to have to hide you and us if we are in a relationship…I don’t think I could. And what if you suddenly realize you don’t want to date me anymore? I don’t think I’d be able to handle a heartbreak at this age, Yunho. If we decide to be together, it’d have to be for a long, long time…”
Yunho looked down at our clasped hands, a single tear streaked down his cheek. Oh my heart. He’s so sweet yet I can’t…I needed to confirm this. One really had to be cruel to be kind. I’ve never thought I would one day be loved by someone so much younger than me, but then Yunho happened. He turned my life around, making me braver and crazier than before until I felt like I was 23 years old again - living life made out of laughter, smiles and sexual banters. But reality is reality - hard to swallow but it’s there at the edge of your throat and just about to choke you if you don’t want to admit it and swallow it down to your stomach.
“I really, really love you, Jaejoong. You might not believe me but I do. I can’t explain why and how and when exactly I fell in love with you, but I did…”, he gazed up at me as he wiped his tears away with the back of one hand, “…I won’t take back what I’ve said, but I’ll give you time. I’ll give both of us time. You’re right, this is all too sudden and we do need to think about this. I’m sorry, Jaejoong-ah, I should have confessed better…or at a much suitable time. I’m really sorry.”
To say that I was so proud of him would be an understatement. Yunho was everything I wished for in a man, strong yet sensitive, tough but has the kindest heart, “No, don’t be. It was sudden, yes, but it was perfect, Yunho. I couldn’t ask for more than that.” I don’t deserve anymore than that, I wanted to say, but somehow it was lodged at the back of my tongue.
“So…how are we going to do this?”, Yunho asked softly, thumbing my tears away. He was smiling at me, and I can’t help but smiled back despite the tears that seemed to pour endlessly from my eyes.
“I need to sort out my feelings…I need to be sure of me as much as I need to be sure of you. There are a few things that we have to do, Yunho, before we start this. God, you’re probably thinking ‘Oh how unromantic is this Jaejoong’, but we need this….”, he chuckled softly at this, nodding slightly. I kissed his hand that was palming my cheek, touched at every effort he’s putting into this, “…I need to talk to my son, and you do realize you’ll have to meet him one day if we decide to do this, right? And of course, there are school matters. I have to figure out how to settle those as well.”
Yunho nodded, taking it all in as calmly as he could. His eyes were red, but they were not tearful anymore. Instead, they shone with this bravery that I know is deeply embedded in him. Yunho was a fighter in the truest essence, a really admirable person that I have gotten too lucky to know.
“Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”, Yunho said courageously, lips tight as if he was preparing for a war. God what did I do to deserve him loving me like this?
“Thank you, Yunhoya…I really appreciate your willingness to do this for me. I’m sorry I can’t promise you anything at this moment…but I can assure you that you won’t have to wait long. I really care about you, you have to remember that…regardless of what ever may happen.”, Yunho nodded again, closing his eyes as he let me caress his hand at my cheek.
So where do we go from here? Yunho said he’s in love with me and I told him we both need time to reaffirm our feelings. It was really a hard decision to make, nevertheless it was necessary. As much as living in blissful oblivion sounded so inviting, if we want a forever together, we need to start fighting the monsters of reality first.
*
After Yunho went back to his place that night, I was like a zombie, emotionally dead yet still fully living. Two weeks passed by without any contact between us, not a single phone call made and received from either one of us. Since Yunho started his classroom experience last week, we almost didn’t see each other at all. All his reports were handed in to Annie, and because I ate alone in my office, I didn’t see him during lunch as well. The biweekly group meetings were the only times we were within each other’s view, and even at those times, I could feel him trying to avoid looking at me. I never thought it would hurt a lot when someone did that to me, but when Yunho looked down just as my eyes found his, a part of me felt like it was dying - it just hurt too much. When he smiled or laughed at someone else’s remarks I felt like crying instead, because I had missed that warmth on his face when I made him smile and laughed at me.
Am I really in love with him? He made me crazy…not a second went by that his name did not resound in my head. It was like he was permanently lodged there - making a home out of my mess in my mind and stubbornly refusing to come out. Luckily Jinjoo was going to stay at his grandparents’ house for these two consecutive weekends, or else I might find myself being a negligent parent while looking after an active and very nosy ten-year old boy.
It was Friday the 13th (oh how apt I would say - my life had been nothing short of a horror movie lately) and I found myself inside my storeroom, going through the junks I have stored since I was young. I took out a box labeled ‘Miscellaneous’ and slit open the tape - and finding the memorabilia of my marriage with Yoochun stored inside there in the perfect condition I have stored them in 8 years ago. I can’t believe it had been that long, and how much we have changed in less than a decade.
Sitting cross-legged on the floor, I took out a photo album and looked through the pages. It was full of photos since we started knowing and dating each other. I still remember my first meeting with Yoochun at Cambridge University, I was in my sophomore year and he was there for an exchange programme. Because we are both Korean, we instantly clicked and became good friends, and in the one year that Yoochun was there, we gradually progressed from being bestfriends to lovers. When Yoochun went back to Korea after a year, I really thought it was going to be last time I saw him but he surprised me when he came back during my summer holiday bearing a wedding ring and a proposal on bended knee. We got married in a civil ceremony after we both graduated, with close friends and families as witnesses. A year later, Jinjoo came into the picture after Yoochun and I decided we were prepared to be fathers, and a further five years down the lane, we got divorced. Yoochun married Junsu two years after our divorce, and while it should have been a blow for someone like me to see his ex-husband moving on so fast, it surprisingly wasn’t. I was genuinely happy for Yoochun to finally find Junsu who could give him the unconditional love he deserved.
It seemed so long ago that it happened, when in truth, it’s only been five years since my marriage to Yoochun had ended.
I realized long ago that the failure of our marriage was heavily caused by my attitude towards the relationship. Yoochun was a victim because he loved me when I couldn’t love him back as much as he did, and it became an unsatisfying burden that both of us wanted to be rid off but scared that we would hurt each other and Jinjoo. Years went by in pretense happiness until it became all too complicated and suddenly being in a room with Yoochun became so very painful because I didn’t love him anymore and I knew he knew that. All this time this was happening, Junsu was secretly there to dry off Yoochun’s tears and gave him his missing laughter, and so when he came forward with the confession of having someone else beside me, I finally found the courage to pull the plug off for both of us, breathing in relief for the first time after so long pretending to be happily married to my own best friend. Living a lie really felt like a rock was being tied to your gut and it kept holding you down until you drown in your own conscience.
This was what I was afraid to happen to me and Yunho. Yoochun had led a fairly happy life - he was born into an upper-class family with loving parents and went to all the best schools, he never had to struggle for anything in his life (aside from when he was married to me - during that time it was a struggle for both of us, really) and I was never really worried that he couldn’t find love if we don’t work out. It turned out that my foresight was right, Junsu came into Yoochun’s life just when my love for him was teetering out and fading. But Yunho…Yunho is different. He had lived a difficult life, struggling to survive from one bowl of rice to another and taking care of his younger brother on his own since he was just a little kid. I could say that hard work and a lot of luck had brought him as far as he was now. His parents were a disappointment, and he was roughened and toughened by life to a point where he learned to put others before himself and endure the brunt of things alone, never wanting to burden another. He sacrifices for the people he loves, he was honest with what he wants and he gives it his all in everything he does. He’s the opposite of Yoochun, so starkly different that I couldn’t even find a point where they matched. I read somewhere that we tend to fall in love with the same type of person every time, but when I analyzed Yoochun and Yunho like this, they were really two different people with differing perspective in life.
I wonder if my ideal type had been someone like Yunho all along. Someone who is strong enough to hold me up when I am weak, and someone who I can support when he needs to be encouraged - is he the best one for me?
I really need to talk to someone about this, because everything kept jumbling up in my head and I was more confused now than I was when Yunho confessed. Fishing out my mobile phone from my jeans’ pocket, I dialed Yoochun’s number, not really thinking that I would wake him up in the middle of the night.
“Yeoboseyo?”, Junsu’s groggy voice answered after several seconds. I apologized immediately, fully realizing then that I had intruded on a married person’s life past acceptable time.
“It’s Jaejoong…I’m so sorry Junsuya…I didn’t mean to wake you or Chunnie up at this time of the night! Aish, what was I thinking…”, I bit my lips while Junsu chuckled, voice still sleep-husky.
“Don’t worry, Jaejoong-ah…wait a moment, okay…I think Chunnie’s fallen asleep in front of his computer again…”, I heard some rustling, feet padding on the floor and a door opened up, before I could hear Junsu waking Yoochun up softly, “…baby, baby…wake up…Jaejoong-ah is on the phone for you.”
A few seconds passed before Yoochun’s voice was heard, and I heard the door closed again, “Yeoboseyo Jaejoongie? What’s wrong? Why are you calling at this hour?”, he asked in alarm. I took a guilty breath in, regretting in an instant that I have disturbed the couple unnecessarily.
“Chunnie, I’m sorry…I wasn’t really thinking when I dialed your number…Aish…”
“Is everything alright, Jaejoong-ah?”
This was not the right time to say anything about Yunho’s confession, Yoochun needed his sleep and I need to stop worrying and go to sleep myself!
“Yes, yes…everything’s alright…sorry…”, I lied of course, but Yoochun just huffed and I heard him plopping down on something, probably the big comfy couch in his living room.
“Pfft, who do you think I am to buy that lie of yours? You don’t usually do something without thinking like this…you’re the most careful person I have ever known, you never did anything risqué without properly thinking it all up first…”
I just had to snort at his statement, because really, all that had happened between me and Yunho could be evidences of how wrong Yoochun’s view of me was. If I really was as careful and thoughtful as Yoochun thought I was, I would not have caught myself in this messy situation in the first place.
“I’m not the most careful person, Chunnieya…I got into a deep well of shit and now I’m calling you at indecent hour at night because I don’t know what to do and I can’t sleep because I need to know what to do and for me to know what to do, you have to help me, Chunnieya because I need to sleep and go to work tomorrow!”
“Whoa, slow down man…if you’ve forgotten, you just woke me up minutes ago…”, I sighed and Yoochun laughed, though I can’t see what he found amusing in all of this,
“…So what’s this ‘deep well of shit’ you’re talking about? Got side-stopped at the highway for DUI again? Wait, you’re not calling me so I could bail you out of jail, are you?”
“No, no one’s been DUI-ing or in jail…”, I hissed out, annoyed at Yoochun for being able to act like a dick even he’s sleepy, “…someone confessed to me!”
A lengthy silence permeated the conversation, and for a second there I suspected Yoochun had fallen asleep on me when he suddenly piped in, his voice clearer and suspiciously joyful, “Someone confessed he likes you?”
“Yes. And to be exact, he said he’s in love with me…”
“He said he’s in love with you?”
“You heard me.”
“And you called me at 3 a.m. just to tell me this?”
“Err…yes and no. I want to know what I should do about it…God, are you even listening to what I’ve said just now?”
“Of course I’ve been listening! I just…I don’t understand how someone confessing his love for you can be a ‘deep well of shit’, it sounds like a good news to me!”, Yoochun spoke happily and I winced at the superfluous high tone,”…wait…why are you not happy about this? Are we talking about one-sided love here?”
“That’s the thing Chunah…I love him…”, I sighed loudly, slumping down to sprawl on the floor, “…but I can’t really love him, if you get what I mean.”
“No I don’t, you made little to no sense there, pal. Is there anything wrong with this guy?”
“No, nothing’s wrong with him. He’s just perfect…he’s handsome, sweet, admirable, funny, kind and strong…just every bit the type of man I want. No offense, Chun.”
“None taken. So if he’s your ideal one, why hold back?”
“I…”, I closed my eyes, willing my soul to be honest and open, “…I’m not allowed to have a relationship with him.”
“Why? God, are you having affair with one of your students?!!”
“Who do you think I am?! Of course not! I’m not a pedophile!”
“If he’s not one of your school kids, why can’t you be in love with him?”
“He’s one of the student-teachers under my charge. He’s ten years younger, but of legal age, of course.”
“Ah…so this is something to do with professional relation. Is that all?”
“What do you mean ‘is that all’? That is one very big problem, okay??”
“What’s so big about it? You said he’s a student-teacher, right, so he’s not really one of the staffs to begin with. He’s not underaged, and from what you told me he’s not a jerk as well. Does he make you happy, Joongieya?”
“He does…but that really isn’t the deciding point in this! I’m his supervisor, Chunah, I’m expected to conduct myself in a suitable manner around my charge and not think of kissing him senseless every time I see him! He’s making me crazy Chunnieya!”
“Oh it’s that bad already?”, Yoochun giggled, and I really felt like choking him through the phone, “Relax, Joongie…calm down. Knowing you, this is not the biggest obstacle there is, isn’t it? I’m sure you’ll find ways to overcome the problem of your professional relation…after you deal with the fear and lack of confidence you have in yourself.”
“W-what are y-you…”
“I was spot on, right Joongie? You can’t really love him because you’re scared shitless. And you’re scared shitless because you’re not confident of yourself. You’re afraid he’s going to leave you like I did…”
“Chunah...”
“It’s okay, I know you don’t blame me and I’m just being truly honest here for your sake. We’re not meant to be, Joongie, I can say that confidently now…we’re soulmates yet we’re not made for each other. How can I be when I didn’t make you go crazy like this…what’s his name?”, I whispered the name softly, missing the owner of the name more and more with the roll of my tongue, “…like Yunho is doing. One thing I learn from you and Junsu is that being in love means protecting each other while taking a risk together, and being able to trust someone with your heart and keeping his safe as well. Rainbows exist only after the rain, Jaejoongie…and like nature, there need to be hardships as well as happiness when you’re in love.”
I nodded silently as if Yoochun could see me, and he continued on, as if he really saw me, “…When we were together, Joongieya, it was always you looking out for me and taking care of me. You let me cry yet you won’t let me see your moments of weakness…back then I thought it got everything to do with you being older and more dominant, but after a while I realized you’re just protecting yourself. You won’t let me protect you not because you think I’m lesser than you, but because you think you don’t deserve to be protected. I wasn’t able to make you open up to love, Joongieya…but maybe Yunho could do that for you? You’re braver than this, you can do it if you really put your all into it...give Yunho a chance, Joongie…no, give yourself a chance. You deserve love, and you deserve him.”
By the end of Yoochun’s little speech I was more than a little bit tearful. I thanked him and hung up, mind a bit clearer now compared to before. I closed my eyes, letting the tears flowed down and washed the fears away. Yoochun was right, the monster that was obstructing my way had been myself all along.
It was already half past four when I got in bed. In that less of two hours of sleep, I got my strength and confidence again, and I was determined of what I needed to do next. All I prayed for now was Yunho not losing his hope on me and of us, yet.
-- [TBC]
yunho ♥ jaejoong
chaptered | AU | nc-17
a/n: late update, ackk, but it's better late than never, right? >_<" thank you for reading. ♥
--
“I think I’m in love with you!”, Yunho suddenly burst out, red face and breathing hard. Hearing this out of the blue, one had to be surprised, of course, and that’s exactly just how I reacted - eyes going as wide as saucers and mouth gaping at him like a stupid fish. Yunho’s face turned blue before it slowly went colorless - paling as the moments passed without my answer.
“Yunhoya…are you sure?”, I finally managed to give a verbal reply, seeing that Yunho was holding his breath like that. He slumped back down on the sofa and sighed, cradling his head in his palms.
“I think so…”
“You can’t just think so! This is not something you just say to someone because you ‘think so’!”, I hissed out, annoyed. Yunho sighed again, and I can feel the hesitance when he spoke to me, although there was also something there - an honesty that said he was speaking from his heart.
“This is the first time for me, Jaejoong-ah…I…I’ve never been in love with anyone before. I’ve had lovers, yes, but no one…no one has ever made me feel this way. If you’re asking whether I’m sure I’m in love with you or not, I would have to say I don’t know, because how does falling in love feels like? You tell me. But one thing I’m more sure than life itself…is that you make me special, you care for me, you make me happier than anyone have ever made me and I really feel like…you understand me.”, he said tentatively, not looking up at me. I inhaled deeply, gathering some much needed composure. His words touched deep into my soul, because there were truths in there that couldn’t be denied. Yunho is special to me, I really care about him and it’s my greatest pleasure to make him happy, but I….I can’t explain why I was feeling this way. So many things were unsorted, and it felt like one big mess with webs of complexities tangling in and out with each other.
A love confession. How long has it been? The last time anyone had ever confessed they were in love with me was more than 8 years ago - it really surprised me that I never stumble into a new relationship after falling out of that. Yoochun was the last person that I have ever been truly in love with, yet it all ended because the sparks died down faster than I thought it would. I fell out of love with Yoochun before, so maybe…I would fall out of love with Yunho as well? This thought kept flashing in my head like a broken slideshow. I kept thinking…would Yunho and I have the same fate as Yoochun and I did? Would he find someone else in the future and dump me because I can’t love him enough? I know I was being a wimp by being scared of something that might not happen, but I can’t help it. And this is Yunho - the one person that I certainly don’t ever want to hurt. He’s been too scarred by life to be further scarred by me, and I, for that matter, don’t deserve to do this to him. Out of my realization, he has become someone important - a lovable person I hold dear to my heart and vow to protect with all my might, even if it means protecting him from myself.
Tears fell down before I can stop it. It came out in one lonely drop after the next, and once it started, there was nothing else I can do but to let them all out. Why am I being like this? I felt like a bad person for not being able to reply to Yunho’s confession in the same fervor. He loves me, he really loves me and I was the luckiest man alive to be on the receiving end of that love. Yet it felt like a burden - to be honest I wasn’t expecting this at all, though it had crossed my mind that our relationship was progressing to a new level as days went by. I wasn’t expecting him to confess suddenly like that, hell I wasn’t expecting him to fall in love with me!
“Yunhoya…”, I said, moving to sit on the coffee table in front of him. I grabbed his hands and pulled them off his face, yet he still looked down, avoiding my eyes. I needed him to be 100 percent sure of this, because this is important to me and to him. I can’t helped but think there’s a possibility he has confused his gratitude with love, and I’m really too old to be playing ‘boyfriends’ without thinking seriously anymore. If we were to start something serious, we had to be certain with our feelings first.
“…I really appreciate what you’ve said. But you have to realize this is a very serious matter to me, and to tell you the truth I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. It’s been too long since anybody confessed to me...”
He was still looking at the floor, his hands in mine curling and slightly shaking, “…Are you rejecting me the nice way, Jaejoong? Because if you are, you might as well just say it-“
“I’m not rejecting you!”, I cut in, tightening my hold on his hands. Yunho looked up at this, and when our eyes met, I swear I could feel our souls connected in that few milliseconds. He suddenly looked like he was about to cry again, and immediately I felt a headache coming on followed by the torrents of tears.
“I’m asking you to give me some time to think about this, Yunho…like I’ve said, this is something serious for me. I need to be sure what I really feel about you and about us, and I need to know you’re really sure of what you feel too. I can’t allow us to jump into this blindly, Yunhoya…without thinking of the consequences. You do know I have a son, I’m ten years older than you, and I’m your supervisor. We’ve already crossed the line when we became…intimate like this...when we shouldn’t professionally. We really shouldn’t have started this…but things happened and there’s no way we can undo the past. Don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying I regret knowing you, Yunhoya…how could I? You’re wonderful and sweet and everything that I find attractive in a man…but for us to be in a serious relationship? There’s so many obstacles we have to go through, Yunhoya...We can hide and pretend when we have affairs, but relationship…relationship is a different matter altogether. I don’t want to have to hide you and us if we are in a relationship…I don’t think I could. And what if you suddenly realize you don’t want to date me anymore? I don’t think I’d be able to handle a heartbreak at this age, Yunho. If we decide to be together, it’d have to be for a long, long time…”
Yunho looked down at our clasped hands, a single tear streaked down his cheek. Oh my heart. He’s so sweet yet I can’t…I needed to confirm this. One really had to be cruel to be kind. I’ve never thought I would one day be loved by someone so much younger than me, but then Yunho happened. He turned my life around, making me braver and crazier than before until I felt like I was 23 years old again - living life made out of laughter, smiles and sexual banters. But reality is reality - hard to swallow but it’s there at the edge of your throat and just about to choke you if you don’t want to admit it and swallow it down to your stomach.
“I really, really love you, Jaejoong. You might not believe me but I do. I can’t explain why and how and when exactly I fell in love with you, but I did…”, he gazed up at me as he wiped his tears away with the back of one hand, “…I won’t take back what I’ve said, but I’ll give you time. I’ll give both of us time. You’re right, this is all too sudden and we do need to think about this. I’m sorry, Jaejoong-ah, I should have confessed better…or at a much suitable time. I’m really sorry.”
To say that I was so proud of him would be an understatement. Yunho was everything I wished for in a man, strong yet sensitive, tough but has the kindest heart, “No, don’t be. It was sudden, yes, but it was perfect, Yunho. I couldn’t ask for more than that.” I don’t deserve anymore than that, I wanted to say, but somehow it was lodged at the back of my tongue.
“So…how are we going to do this?”, Yunho asked softly, thumbing my tears away. He was smiling at me, and I can’t help but smiled back despite the tears that seemed to pour endlessly from my eyes.
“I need to sort out my feelings…I need to be sure of me as much as I need to be sure of you. There are a few things that we have to do, Yunho, before we start this. God, you’re probably thinking ‘Oh how unromantic is this Jaejoong’, but we need this….”, he chuckled softly at this, nodding slightly. I kissed his hand that was palming my cheek, touched at every effort he’s putting into this, “…I need to talk to my son, and you do realize you’ll have to meet him one day if we decide to do this, right? And of course, there are school matters. I have to figure out how to settle those as well.”
Yunho nodded, taking it all in as calmly as he could. His eyes were red, but they were not tearful anymore. Instead, they shone with this bravery that I know is deeply embedded in him. Yunho was a fighter in the truest essence, a really admirable person that I have gotten too lucky to know.
“Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”, Yunho said courageously, lips tight as if he was preparing for a war. God what did I do to deserve him loving me like this?
“Thank you, Yunhoya…I really appreciate your willingness to do this for me. I’m sorry I can’t promise you anything at this moment…but I can assure you that you won’t have to wait long. I really care about you, you have to remember that…regardless of what ever may happen.”, Yunho nodded again, closing his eyes as he let me caress his hand at my cheek.
So where do we go from here? Yunho said he’s in love with me and I told him we both need time to reaffirm our feelings. It was really a hard decision to make, nevertheless it was necessary. As much as living in blissful oblivion sounded so inviting, if we want a forever together, we need to start fighting the monsters of reality first.
*
After Yunho went back to his place that night, I was like a zombie, emotionally dead yet still fully living. Two weeks passed by without any contact between us, not a single phone call made and received from either one of us. Since Yunho started his classroom experience last week, we almost didn’t see each other at all. All his reports were handed in to Annie, and because I ate alone in my office, I didn’t see him during lunch as well. The biweekly group meetings were the only times we were within each other’s view, and even at those times, I could feel him trying to avoid looking at me. I never thought it would hurt a lot when someone did that to me, but when Yunho looked down just as my eyes found his, a part of me felt like it was dying - it just hurt too much. When he smiled or laughed at someone else’s remarks I felt like crying instead, because I had missed that warmth on his face when I made him smile and laughed at me.
Am I really in love with him? He made me crazy…not a second went by that his name did not resound in my head. It was like he was permanently lodged there - making a home out of my mess in my mind and stubbornly refusing to come out. Luckily Jinjoo was going to stay at his grandparents’ house for these two consecutive weekends, or else I might find myself being a negligent parent while looking after an active and very nosy ten-year old boy.
It was Friday the 13th (oh how apt I would say - my life had been nothing short of a horror movie lately) and I found myself inside my storeroom, going through the junks I have stored since I was young. I took out a box labeled ‘Miscellaneous’ and slit open the tape - and finding the memorabilia of my marriage with Yoochun stored inside there in the perfect condition I have stored them in 8 years ago. I can’t believe it had been that long, and how much we have changed in less than a decade.
Sitting cross-legged on the floor, I took out a photo album and looked through the pages. It was full of photos since we started knowing and dating each other. I still remember my first meeting with Yoochun at Cambridge University, I was in my sophomore year and he was there for an exchange programme. Because we are both Korean, we instantly clicked and became good friends, and in the one year that Yoochun was there, we gradually progressed from being bestfriends to lovers. When Yoochun went back to Korea after a year, I really thought it was going to be last time I saw him but he surprised me when he came back during my summer holiday bearing a wedding ring and a proposal on bended knee. We got married in a civil ceremony after we both graduated, with close friends and families as witnesses. A year later, Jinjoo came into the picture after Yoochun and I decided we were prepared to be fathers, and a further five years down the lane, we got divorced. Yoochun married Junsu two years after our divorce, and while it should have been a blow for someone like me to see his ex-husband moving on so fast, it surprisingly wasn’t. I was genuinely happy for Yoochun to finally find Junsu who could give him the unconditional love he deserved.
It seemed so long ago that it happened, when in truth, it’s only been five years since my marriage to Yoochun had ended.
I realized long ago that the failure of our marriage was heavily caused by my attitude towards the relationship. Yoochun was a victim because he loved me when I couldn’t love him back as much as he did, and it became an unsatisfying burden that both of us wanted to be rid off but scared that we would hurt each other and Jinjoo. Years went by in pretense happiness until it became all too complicated and suddenly being in a room with Yoochun became so very painful because I didn’t love him anymore and I knew he knew that. All this time this was happening, Junsu was secretly there to dry off Yoochun’s tears and gave him his missing laughter, and so when he came forward with the confession of having someone else beside me, I finally found the courage to pull the plug off for both of us, breathing in relief for the first time after so long pretending to be happily married to my own best friend. Living a lie really felt like a rock was being tied to your gut and it kept holding you down until you drown in your own conscience.
This was what I was afraid to happen to me and Yunho. Yoochun had led a fairly happy life - he was born into an upper-class family with loving parents and went to all the best schools, he never had to struggle for anything in his life (aside from when he was married to me - during that time it was a struggle for both of us, really) and I was never really worried that he couldn’t find love if we don’t work out. It turned out that my foresight was right, Junsu came into Yoochun’s life just when my love for him was teetering out and fading. But Yunho…Yunho is different. He had lived a difficult life, struggling to survive from one bowl of rice to another and taking care of his younger brother on his own since he was just a little kid. I could say that hard work and a lot of luck had brought him as far as he was now. His parents were a disappointment, and he was roughened and toughened by life to a point where he learned to put others before himself and endure the brunt of things alone, never wanting to burden another. He sacrifices for the people he loves, he was honest with what he wants and he gives it his all in everything he does. He’s the opposite of Yoochun, so starkly different that I couldn’t even find a point where they matched. I read somewhere that we tend to fall in love with the same type of person every time, but when I analyzed Yoochun and Yunho like this, they were really two different people with differing perspective in life.
I wonder if my ideal type had been someone like Yunho all along. Someone who is strong enough to hold me up when I am weak, and someone who I can support when he needs to be encouraged - is he the best one for me?
I really need to talk to someone about this, because everything kept jumbling up in my head and I was more confused now than I was when Yunho confessed. Fishing out my mobile phone from my jeans’ pocket, I dialed Yoochun’s number, not really thinking that I would wake him up in the middle of the night.
“Yeoboseyo?”, Junsu’s groggy voice answered after several seconds. I apologized immediately, fully realizing then that I had intruded on a married person’s life past acceptable time.
“It’s Jaejoong…I’m so sorry Junsuya…I didn’t mean to wake you or Chunnie up at this time of the night! Aish, what was I thinking…”, I bit my lips while Junsu chuckled, voice still sleep-husky.
“Don’t worry, Jaejoong-ah…wait a moment, okay…I think Chunnie’s fallen asleep in front of his computer again…”, I heard some rustling, feet padding on the floor and a door opened up, before I could hear Junsu waking Yoochun up softly, “…baby, baby…wake up…Jaejoong-ah is on the phone for you.”
A few seconds passed before Yoochun’s voice was heard, and I heard the door closed again, “Yeoboseyo Jaejoongie? What’s wrong? Why are you calling at this hour?”, he asked in alarm. I took a guilty breath in, regretting in an instant that I have disturbed the couple unnecessarily.
“Chunnie, I’m sorry…I wasn’t really thinking when I dialed your number…Aish…”
“Is everything alright, Jaejoong-ah?”
This was not the right time to say anything about Yunho’s confession, Yoochun needed his sleep and I need to stop worrying and go to sleep myself!
“Yes, yes…everything’s alright…sorry…”, I lied of course, but Yoochun just huffed and I heard him plopping down on something, probably the big comfy couch in his living room.
“Pfft, who do you think I am to buy that lie of yours? You don’t usually do something without thinking like this…you’re the most careful person I have ever known, you never did anything risqué without properly thinking it all up first…”
I just had to snort at his statement, because really, all that had happened between me and Yunho could be evidences of how wrong Yoochun’s view of me was. If I really was as careful and thoughtful as Yoochun thought I was, I would not have caught myself in this messy situation in the first place.
“I’m not the most careful person, Chunnieya…I got into a deep well of shit and now I’m calling you at indecent hour at night because I don’t know what to do and I can’t sleep because I need to know what to do and for me to know what to do, you have to help me, Chunnieya because I need to sleep and go to work tomorrow!”
“Whoa, slow down man…if you’ve forgotten, you just woke me up minutes ago…”, I sighed and Yoochun laughed, though I can’t see what he found amusing in all of this,
“…So what’s this ‘deep well of shit’ you’re talking about? Got side-stopped at the highway for DUI again? Wait, you’re not calling me so I could bail you out of jail, are you?”
“No, no one’s been DUI-ing or in jail…”, I hissed out, annoyed at Yoochun for being able to act like a dick even he’s sleepy, “…someone confessed to me!”
A lengthy silence permeated the conversation, and for a second there I suspected Yoochun had fallen asleep on me when he suddenly piped in, his voice clearer and suspiciously joyful, “Someone confessed he likes you?”
“Yes. And to be exact, he said he’s in love with me…”
“He said he’s in love with you?”
“You heard me.”
“And you called me at 3 a.m. just to tell me this?”
“Err…yes and no. I want to know what I should do about it…God, are you even listening to what I’ve said just now?”
“Of course I’ve been listening! I just…I don’t understand how someone confessing his love for you can be a ‘deep well of shit’, it sounds like a good news to me!”, Yoochun spoke happily and I winced at the superfluous high tone,”…wait…why are you not happy about this? Are we talking about one-sided love here?”
“That’s the thing Chunah…I love him…”, I sighed loudly, slumping down to sprawl on the floor, “…but I can’t really love him, if you get what I mean.”
“No I don’t, you made little to no sense there, pal. Is there anything wrong with this guy?”
“No, nothing’s wrong with him. He’s just perfect…he’s handsome, sweet, admirable, funny, kind and strong…just every bit the type of man I want. No offense, Chun.”
“None taken. So if he’s your ideal one, why hold back?”
“I…”, I closed my eyes, willing my soul to be honest and open, “…I’m not allowed to have a relationship with him.”
“Why? God, are you having affair with one of your students?!!”
“Who do you think I am?! Of course not! I’m not a pedophile!”
“If he’s not one of your school kids, why can’t you be in love with him?”
“He’s one of the student-teachers under my charge. He’s ten years younger, but of legal age, of course.”
“Ah…so this is something to do with professional relation. Is that all?”
“What do you mean ‘is that all’? That is one very big problem, okay??”
“What’s so big about it? You said he’s a student-teacher, right, so he’s not really one of the staffs to begin with. He’s not underaged, and from what you told me he’s not a jerk as well. Does he make you happy, Joongieya?”
“He does…but that really isn’t the deciding point in this! I’m his supervisor, Chunah, I’m expected to conduct myself in a suitable manner around my charge and not think of kissing him senseless every time I see him! He’s making me crazy Chunnieya!”
“Oh it’s that bad already?”, Yoochun giggled, and I really felt like choking him through the phone, “Relax, Joongie…calm down. Knowing you, this is not the biggest obstacle there is, isn’t it? I’m sure you’ll find ways to overcome the problem of your professional relation…after you deal with the fear and lack of confidence you have in yourself.”
“W-what are y-you…”
“I was spot on, right Joongie? You can’t really love him because you’re scared shitless. And you’re scared shitless because you’re not confident of yourself. You’re afraid he’s going to leave you like I did…”
“Chunah...”
“It’s okay, I know you don’t blame me and I’m just being truly honest here for your sake. We’re not meant to be, Joongie, I can say that confidently now…we’re soulmates yet we’re not made for each other. How can I be when I didn’t make you go crazy like this…what’s his name?”, I whispered the name softly, missing the owner of the name more and more with the roll of my tongue, “…like Yunho is doing. One thing I learn from you and Junsu is that being in love means protecting each other while taking a risk together, and being able to trust someone with your heart and keeping his safe as well. Rainbows exist only after the rain, Jaejoongie…and like nature, there need to be hardships as well as happiness when you’re in love.”
I nodded silently as if Yoochun could see me, and he continued on, as if he really saw me, “…When we were together, Joongieya, it was always you looking out for me and taking care of me. You let me cry yet you won’t let me see your moments of weakness…back then I thought it got everything to do with you being older and more dominant, but after a while I realized you’re just protecting yourself. You won’t let me protect you not because you think I’m lesser than you, but because you think you don’t deserve to be protected. I wasn’t able to make you open up to love, Joongieya…but maybe Yunho could do that for you? You’re braver than this, you can do it if you really put your all into it...give Yunho a chance, Joongie…no, give yourself a chance. You deserve love, and you deserve him.”
By the end of Yoochun’s little speech I was more than a little bit tearful. I thanked him and hung up, mind a bit clearer now compared to before. I closed my eyes, letting the tears flowed down and washed the fears away. Yoochun was right, the monster that was obstructing my way had been myself all along.
It was already half past four when I got in bed. In that less of two hours of sleep, I got my strength and confidence again, and I was determined of what I needed to do next. All I prayed for now was Yunho not losing his hope on me and of us, yet.
-- [TBC]