deeper conversation: chapter 10
deeper conversation: chapter 10
yunho ♥ jaejoong
chaptered | AU | pg-13
--
Two weeks. God.
Two weeks of pure torture and loneliness than I never envision could happen to me. What do you do when you have someone you love within your reach but you can’t do anything because he doesn’t want to be reached? I saw how cold Jaejoong was, avoiding my existence altogether by secluding himself in his office, buried under the excuses of students’ homeworks and departmental paperworks. Too bad I could see right through his act and knew what it was, he was subtly telling me to back off and forget everything that happened between us - a rejection without the actual verbalization. Every time our eyes accidentally met, I had to look away, because I am bound to fall deeper in love if I see those beautiful eyes again. Tears pricked behind my lids every time I heard his voice, so near yet so far, and I was reminded that this was a man that had stolen my heart and ran away with it, and I was the one who had chased him away because of my hastiness and tactlessness. What was I thinking? Of course Jaejoong wouldn’t accept such callous confession blurted out in the middle of nowhere - we are not high-school students and he deserved so much more than that. He asked me to wait, and I was doing nothing else in these two weeks but wait like a fool. A fool in love, that’s what I was. He had owned my heart, mind and soul, and how pitiful it was that he probably doesn’t even realize it?
I felt selfish for wanting to love Jaejoong and have him love me back, and selfishness was not something I was accustomed with. It was not like I was not selfish at all, because everyone can be selfish given time and situation. I was selfish when I hide my caramel-filled chocolate cookies from Min, because that boy is such a glut and he likes emptying my rations for his tummy’s sake. I was selfish when I braved through the crowd of housewives for that half-priced pack of kimchi for dinner, my stronger build at my advantage. I was selfish when I fought with a guy for this studio apartment I’m living in, because I need the place and because that man was a prick who knows no respect for other people. So selfishness is essential for survival, and being in this world with only my younger brother as a company, I learned to be selfish in that way.
But to be selfish in love, that was something new. When I was with my previous lovers, I have always strained to meet their needs (physically of course, I’m not blessed monetarily unfortunately) and would not ask for more than what they wanted to give me. How could I, when they willingly accepted what I gave to them, albeit the pain and discomfort? I remember my last lover, Shinwoo, who I had thought was the sexiest little fox I have ever met (till I met Jaejoong - who erased any meanings I had previously attached to ‘beautiful’, ‘sexy’, ‘cute’ and…‘love’.) and the one who had been with me the longest. Our coupling was heavily sexual, and love for me then was him touching me and me touching him back. It was so much simpler then, no heartache, jealousy or confusion, just plain union of two bodies in heat and sweat. I really thought I could live with love like that for the rest of my life, and it was a sweet deal for me until…Kim Jaejoong came into my life.
It was like I have an itch and I couldn’t scratch at it to make it go away even when my skin gets all tight and prickly because of it. Jaejoong was everywhere in my world, inside of my soul and around me, his delightful presence never once leaving since I saw him for the first time.
How can love be such an unfair thing? I wonder if he was feeling as miserable as I did…I wonder if he was thinking of me. Have I already left his mind permanently now, or am I still there because he did tell me he cares about me and he wouldn’t make me wait long? How long is long for him - two weeks, two months, two years? Argh! It just pissed me off that I couldn’t gauge what he was thinking and feeling at this moment. There was an ache deep in my guts that annoyed yet soothed me - it tells me I am living because I hurt, and that Jaejoong is worth it despite the fact that he drove me crazy.
No one had ever been the center of my world before, defining my sad and happy moments with his absence and presence. It was like there was a cut-out version of him in my heart, and till he placed the piece back to where it belongs again, there will always be a Jaejoong-shaped hole that was hollow and meaningless. He was the piece of puzzle that I never knew completes and complements me. How long has it been that my life has had such a meaning to it?
With him, it wasn’t enough to be able to be close and touching, to be kissing him and got kissed back. I want to make him smile and laugh, I want to see him look at me with pride and adoration, I want to hear him tell me how good or silly or funny or stupid I had been when I do something…anything, and I want to be there when he crumbles under pressure - I just want to be there for him. To cure his loneliness and mine as well, because we are two lonely fools who need each other like human needs oxygen. I knew that, and shit I need him to realize that too, hopefully soon.
I need him to see me and only me. I remember how jealousy flared for the first time when I saw him smiled and laughed with someone else, my existence a mere distraction in the background. God it just hurt so much, so so much. I wonder if I can continue to fulfill my promises to him to wait patiently, because right now my mind was polluted with bleak thoughts of him planning on slowly rejecting me and I just…I was this close to going insane for sure.
Fuck, stop messing with my mind and heart! Jaejoong-ah!
How can another person affect you like this? It shouldn’t be like this, no?
My heart and head just plain hurt, and to make matters worse, Changmin was back to haunt my tiny apartment again with his presence. Argh!
“Hyung, you do realize I can hear you growling from here, don’t you?”, Min quipped nonchalantly from the two-sitter couch, not bothering to look at me sprawling like a dead fish on my bed. He was on his third bowls of cereal now, munching happily while the television blared the noisy sounds of a variety show.
“’s none of your business! I can growl all I want, this is my apartment!”
“PMS-ing hyung?”
“You want me to karate-chop your head or what?”
“Geez, I was just being the nice, caring younger brother you always said I should be, but I guess someone’s not appreciating my effort.”, Min grumbled, cynicism in full blast. I looked at him from where I was lying on the bed, and only seeing the back of his head. I wonder what he was thinking, this younger brother of mine. At times like this I really wish I had the power to read minds, so I could read his and that teasing twit’s as well.
Despite his cold and more than cruel admonition, I knew deep in my heart that he really cared for me, because if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t even acknowledge my restlessness in the first place. That’s Changmin for you, he’s downright rude and sarcastic but he’s also thoughtful and mindful of people. To be honest I feel better when he’s being an ass like this, because if he acts indifferent it means my existence doesn’t matter and he just doesn’t fucking care what happen to me anymore. And as long as we’ve been brothers, he’s always been a royal pain, so I guess everything’s good? Changmin loves me by being an annoying, crude brat that never bothered to sugar-coat his words with lies and false pretense. It was a twisted logic, but then what do you expect from two twisted kids?
“Min-ah.”
“Hmm.”
“What are you thinking right now?”
“Huh what?”
“Nothing. I just want to know what you’re thinking.”
“...”
“...”
“I’m thinking you’ve gone bonkers and now you're trying to fucking mess with my head so I could be as crazy as you.”
“Oh shut up. I know you are worried because you love me.”
Min turned around and made a disgusted face, and I smiled wide - feeling victorious. He seemed relax enough, and I knew I had to fire the question now, before it’s too late.
“Min-ah.”
“What?”
“You've never told me what exactly happened before...err, you know.”
“Before what?”
“You know...”
“No, I don’t.”
“Aish, you know that thing that happened-“
“Oh crapshit just say it out loud hyung! Why are you going round and round the topic like girls?!”
“Okay, fine! I want to know what happened before you overdosed! Happy?”
“See? It’s easier if you just go on and ask, rather than beat around the bush like that!”
“I just don’t want you to feel awkward! The least you could do is say ‘oh thanks hyung for being considerate of my feelings’, but no you don’t…you just had to go and shout at me. I’m your hyung, okay? Why can’t you show me some respect?”
“No, you’re not my hyung, you’re my omma. Geez, why so emotional? Someone dumped you?”
Ouch. Big double fucking ouch that hit too close to home. I winced, and Changmin grinned. His eyes hooded in satisfaction, winning smirk triumphed on his lips.
“So it’s true. Someone got dumped.”
“Don’t try to change the subject! I wasn’t dumped! I wasn’t…I wasn’t anything! This isn’t about me, it’s about you! I wasn’t the one who OD-ed!” I yelled back, trying to salvage the situation but digging deeper into my grave. Biting my lips at the seemingly cruel words, I looked up at him and hoped he didn’t take offense. Changmin stood up and smirked, walking lazily to the sink before glancing back at me from the small kitchen, eyes suddenly a bit too…sad.
“That was a stupid thing I did, right hyung? I couldn’t believe how fucked up I was then-”
“Min..”
“-...I’m sorry.”
His voice was barely audible, and I felt my heart tugged by an invisible string, ready to be drowned by guilt.
“Tell me what happened, Min. I want to know. Did it have something to do with…Inshil?”, I asked him as softly as I could, and he nodded, washing his bowl in silence. His back hunched over the sink, face hidden from me yet I could see him shaking. Unlike me, he has always believed in love - he is the true romantic between the two of us. Despite his coarse manner towards me, he’s actually quite the gentleman with the ladies, often going out of his way to please the girls that he dated. Among his ex-girlfriends (he only had 3 so far), Inshil had been with him the longest, and the one he loved the most. When they first started dating about a few months ago, Min couldn’t stop yapping about how wonderful the girl is, how pretty she is, how perfect she is. Inshil was everything Min had wanted in a woman, feminine and caring, with intelligence to match.
I wondered what went wrong in their relationship. Supposedly that Inshil was the perfect girlfriend and Changmin was the perfect boyfriend, how could things sour so much between the two that it drove Min into doing something utterly stupid like overdosing on drugs?
“What happened? I thought you and Inshil…”
“I don’t know hyung…I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. It’s better this way.”
I jumped out of the bed, taking three long strides towards Min before hugging him from behind. He didn’t resist or push me away like I thought he would, he just stood there stoned and fixated with his overly cleaned bowl.
“Min, tell hyung what’s going on. You’re not telling the truth, I know.”
I heard him took a deep breath as he laid the bowl on the rack to dry, turning around and pushing me slightly out of his way. He chuckled to himself, looking down at his wiggling toes.
“She said I have issues.”
“W-what?”
“She said I have-“
“I heard you...why would she say that??”
Min looked up, eyes a little redder than before. He smirked to appear nonchalant, but I knew there was a storm raging in his mind and inside his soul. Oh my poor brother, how much he had hurt over this.
“It’s my fault, hyung, not hers. I overdid myself, going suspicious every time she went out with other people…and since we didn’t have any class together this semester, I went crazy and questioned her whereabouts whenever I had the chance. She got tired of that I guess…and started to see someone else behind my back. I was furious when I knew about it, you know me hyung, once my temper burst it’s like a volcano has erupted, and I…I slapped her in front of everybody.”
“Oh Min…”, I pulled him close, but this time he resisted, shoving me away with both palms on my shoulders.
“I felt so shitty afterward…for God’s sake I slapped a girl! I’m the worst kind of man out there…I’m just like Appa, hyung! I kept thinking how low I have sunk to be doing something like this…and in between feeling guilty and fucking depressed, I got convinced that I’m really a spitting clone of our Appa…because I acted so much like him.”
My heart broke at this. The proud Changminnie I knew getting so beat up by the thought of being similar to our father - who had done nothing but damage to our lives. I thought running away from home would protect us from them, but their ghosts continued to haunt us subconsciously in our minds, whispering to us how we are no different from them. Changmin was wrong, he’s not like our father - how could he be, when he’s always been responsible and smart and thoughtful?
“No! You’re not like Appa! Not at all, Min-ah…please don’t say that.”
“We have his blood in us, hyung…there’s that crazy streak in us that makes us violent, that makes us possessive…we got that from him and we’re never going to able to kick it out.”, he snickered at this, but a tear rolled down his cheek, which he brushed off harshly with the back of one hand.
Jaejoong told me that acceptance in the first step to gain full forgiveness of oneself. I realized then that both Changmin and I haven’t accepted our fate and had lived dwelling in the pasts, drawing conclusion to what happened back then as reasons to what we did today. We are two people who make excuses as a way to justify our existence, and it’s the wrong way to live, no matter how convenient and easy it was to blame the ghosts of your past to explain everything you do in the present. It makes us prisoners in our own fear and sadness, and makes us cower and take everything that we were given and never asked for anything because we thought we don’t deserve it. We grew up believing no one would love us, and when there is someone that does, we got scared and acted in the opposite way of how we wanted to act.
“Min-ah…Appa had nothing to do with how you acted, what you did was because you’re mad and you felt like you haven’t been treated justly…it was a natural reaction to humiliation. I’m not saying what you did to Inshil or to yourself is something good, because it’s not. It’s awful and it’s stupid, and you know this even if I don’t tell you, right Min-ah? We can’t continue making Appa and Omma as excuses for behaving badly, Min, because we are adults now…we made our own decision and choices, and no one can tell us to do something if we don’t want to do it.”
“I know…but it’s easier this way…I can’t…fuck, I can’t believe I could slap a girl like that! It wasn’t me, hyung…it wasn’t the real me…”, he wiped his tears angrily, turning his back to me and crying into his palm. I stepped in closer, holding his heaving shoulder with a one-arm hug, squeezing it a little for support.
“Yes, it wasn’t the real you…but it was a part of you. You are human, Min, humans get angry and do stupid things because they let their temporary madness takes over their mind and in that split second, a lot of things can happen. You need to accept that it was a mistake you did and that you’re better than this.”
“I can’t forgive myself, hyung…I can’t look in the mirror and not see Appa somewhere in my semblance. He’s there in me…he made me this way.”
“Of course you see him in you, you’re made from his blood after all. You got that handsome face from him, Min, but you do realize that you’re better than him to act exactly like he did, right?”
Min nodded, and I plowed on, my soul fully opened and finally free. It was a sort of self-revelation, that I was better than what my history made me and that I deserve love like every other person. Jaejoong made me see that…he made me see that loving someone could be the next best thing to total freedom - made me see that you live as you think. He made me braver and forgiving…he made me a better person.
“Someone told me that forgiveness comes differently for everyone…and I used to think I’m okay living with hatred towards Appa and Omma as long as I live, but I realize now that hatred makes you a monster, Min. It makes us believe that what we do is excusable, because we are ‘victimized’ by our pasts. We are not tortured souls, are we dongsaeng?”
He shook his head and answered brokenly, “No, we’re not.”
I nodded, and felt my eyes going suspiciously wet, “Let’s move on and live our lives the best we can, okay? No more hating ourselves because we see Appa and Omma in us, because they made mistakes and they paid their dues for it…we are the ones who define our own destiny, Min, we are what we want us to be.”
Min laughed a little and pushed me away, tears wiped clean from his face.
“God you went all mommy on me again, hyung…I can’t believe I let you did this. You made me cry…this is all so fucking gay…”, he said under his breath, a lopsided grin sweetening his young face as he mocked me. I pinched his side as hard as I can and he screamed like a girl, and I knew everything was alright again.
Facing our nightmares head on and valiantly, we managed to see past our darkness and discovered ourselves. What we need to do now is look up to the future, and right now, I want nothing else but to see my future with Jaejoong.
*
I was checking my lesson plan when Donghae barged into the meeting room, panting slightly from his run. I looked up at him curiously, and before I could ask him what was that about, he quickly cut me with his own question,
“Yunho! Have you heard?”
“Heard what?”, my brows creased at this, and he sighed, slumping down on a chair next to mine. He breathed deep and looked at me, face unreadable.
“Our supervisor is no longer Kim Jaejoong-sshi. We’ve been transferred to be under Lee YooJin-songsengnim.”
No, did I hear that right? Jaejoong was not going to be our supervisor anymore? A deep-seated fear set in my guts, and I was worried that it had anything to do with the current situation between him and me. Could it be that he really hates me now and is trying to get rid of me from his life altogether?
“What happened to Jaejoong?”, I asked back, and felt bile rising to my throat. I was so scared and nervous, I really wasn’t expecting this to happen.
“I heard that he's going to continue his studies and get a doctorate. I’m not really sure, because I haven’t heard anything from the man himself. The students in his class told me about this, because apparently a student heard some teachers talking about how Jaejoong is going to be away starting from next week and won’t be back for another year. What do you think is the reason for his sudden leaving?”
I closed my eyes, knowing that my greatest fear had just become a reality. Jaejoong was obviously trying to run away from me, and this was not how I want us to end. How could he - this is not fair - he said he’ll tell me his decision!
“I’m going to go and see him.”, I stood up and walked out, ignoring Donghae who was shouting at me to stop.
*
Jaejoong’s door was ajar when I stormed in, Annie hot on my heels trying to stop me from barging in. The first moment I saw him standing there behind his desk, I was overwhelmed with how much I had missed this man who had unwittingly changed me and made me fall stupid in love with him.
“I’m sorry Jaejoong-ah, this boy won’t-“
“Why?”, no hello and no hi as I quickly cut Annie’s words. I was just extremely disturbed beyond explanation to be courteous to anyone right now.
Jaejoong looked straight at me and sighed, combing his hair back with one hand.
“Sit down, Yunho. Thank you, Annie, I’ll take it from here.”, Annie nodded and closed the door on her way out. Jaejoong went and locked the door behind her, and I was left nearly bursting into tears at this ravine-like gap between us.
“Sit down and I’ll explain everything to you.”, Jaejoong’s word broke my reverie as I silently sat on one of the chairs, looking at anywhere but him. This was just too much, he’s breaking me…why was he so cruel?
“I take it that someone told you about my going away, huh?”, I nodded and he chuckled, the reason for his amused laugh lost on me, “News sure does travel fast in this school.”
“Why? Why are you going away? Is it because of me? It’s because of me, isn’t it?”, I couldn’t stand it anymore, why was he acting so blasé about this? This was important, was it not? He made this decision because of me, I knew it!
“Yunhoya, relax! Now, now…let’s not jump into conclusions, shall we?”, Jaejoong said calmly as he knelt next to my chair, prying my hands off the handles and kissing my knuckles. God what was this all about?
“It’s true I’m going away and I won’t be your supervisor anymore…I planned to tell you today but it looks like someone beat me to it. You’re right, I made this decision because of you…”, my eyes went wide at this, heart thumping so hard within my ribcage, “…but it’s not because I want to run away from you. I made this decision because I want to be with you.”
“W-what?”
“I want to be with you, Yunhoya…I’m in love with you.”
It was like time had stopped for a second and my mind went hazy from the commotion roused from my overly joyous heart that was breakdancing to cheesy love ballads, if that’s even possible.
“Y-you are?”
Jaejoong smiled and stood up, before he sat on my lap, linking his arms around my neck and kissing me soundly, his feeling clearly mirrored in his eyes.
“I’m in love with you, Yunhoya…and I want to spend my life with you. Tell me you feel the same way too.”
I answered him with a kiss that told him that and much more. This was not the ending of us as I had imagined it to be, it was only the beginning.
--[TBC]
a/n: like Yunho said, it's not the ending yet. lol. :p
yunho ♥ jaejoong
chaptered | AU | pg-13
--
Two weeks. God.
Two weeks of pure torture and loneliness than I never envision could happen to me. What do you do when you have someone you love within your reach but you can’t do anything because he doesn’t want to be reached? I saw how cold Jaejoong was, avoiding my existence altogether by secluding himself in his office, buried under the excuses of students’ homeworks and departmental paperworks. Too bad I could see right through his act and knew what it was, he was subtly telling me to back off and forget everything that happened between us - a rejection without the actual verbalization. Every time our eyes accidentally met, I had to look away, because I am bound to fall deeper in love if I see those beautiful eyes again. Tears pricked behind my lids every time I heard his voice, so near yet so far, and I was reminded that this was a man that had stolen my heart and ran away with it, and I was the one who had chased him away because of my hastiness and tactlessness. What was I thinking? Of course Jaejoong wouldn’t accept such callous confession blurted out in the middle of nowhere - we are not high-school students and he deserved so much more than that. He asked me to wait, and I was doing nothing else in these two weeks but wait like a fool. A fool in love, that’s what I was. He had owned my heart, mind and soul, and how pitiful it was that he probably doesn’t even realize it?
I felt selfish for wanting to love Jaejoong and have him love me back, and selfishness was not something I was accustomed with. It was not like I was not selfish at all, because everyone can be selfish given time and situation. I was selfish when I hide my caramel-filled chocolate cookies from Min, because that boy is such a glut and he likes emptying my rations for his tummy’s sake. I was selfish when I braved through the crowd of housewives for that half-priced pack of kimchi for dinner, my stronger build at my advantage. I was selfish when I fought with a guy for this studio apartment I’m living in, because I need the place and because that man was a prick who knows no respect for other people. So selfishness is essential for survival, and being in this world with only my younger brother as a company, I learned to be selfish in that way.
But to be selfish in love, that was something new. When I was with my previous lovers, I have always strained to meet their needs (physically of course, I’m not blessed monetarily unfortunately) and would not ask for more than what they wanted to give me. How could I, when they willingly accepted what I gave to them, albeit the pain and discomfort? I remember my last lover, Shinwoo, who I had thought was the sexiest little fox I have ever met (till I met Jaejoong - who erased any meanings I had previously attached to ‘beautiful’, ‘sexy’, ‘cute’ and…‘love’.) and the one who had been with me the longest. Our coupling was heavily sexual, and love for me then was him touching me and me touching him back. It was so much simpler then, no heartache, jealousy or confusion, just plain union of two bodies in heat and sweat. I really thought I could live with love like that for the rest of my life, and it was a sweet deal for me until…Kim Jaejoong came into my life.
It was like I have an itch and I couldn’t scratch at it to make it go away even when my skin gets all tight and prickly because of it. Jaejoong was everywhere in my world, inside of my soul and around me, his delightful presence never once leaving since I saw him for the first time.
How can love be such an unfair thing? I wonder if he was feeling as miserable as I did…I wonder if he was thinking of me. Have I already left his mind permanently now, or am I still there because he did tell me he cares about me and he wouldn’t make me wait long? How long is long for him - two weeks, two months, two years? Argh! It just pissed me off that I couldn’t gauge what he was thinking and feeling at this moment. There was an ache deep in my guts that annoyed yet soothed me - it tells me I am living because I hurt, and that Jaejoong is worth it despite the fact that he drove me crazy.
No one had ever been the center of my world before, defining my sad and happy moments with his absence and presence. It was like there was a cut-out version of him in my heart, and till he placed the piece back to where it belongs again, there will always be a Jaejoong-shaped hole that was hollow and meaningless. He was the piece of puzzle that I never knew completes and complements me. How long has it been that my life has had such a meaning to it?
With him, it wasn’t enough to be able to be close and touching, to be kissing him and got kissed back. I want to make him smile and laugh, I want to see him look at me with pride and adoration, I want to hear him tell me how good or silly or funny or stupid I had been when I do something…anything, and I want to be there when he crumbles under pressure - I just want to be there for him. To cure his loneliness and mine as well, because we are two lonely fools who need each other like human needs oxygen. I knew that, and shit I need him to realize that too, hopefully soon.
I need him to see me and only me. I remember how jealousy flared for the first time when I saw him smiled and laughed with someone else, my existence a mere distraction in the background. God it just hurt so much, so so much. I wonder if I can continue to fulfill my promises to him to wait patiently, because right now my mind was polluted with bleak thoughts of him planning on slowly rejecting me and I just…I was this close to going insane for sure.
Fuck, stop messing with my mind and heart! Jaejoong-ah!
How can another person affect you like this? It shouldn’t be like this, no?
My heart and head just plain hurt, and to make matters worse, Changmin was back to haunt my tiny apartment again with his presence. Argh!
“Hyung, you do realize I can hear you growling from here, don’t you?”, Min quipped nonchalantly from the two-sitter couch, not bothering to look at me sprawling like a dead fish on my bed. He was on his third bowls of cereal now, munching happily while the television blared the noisy sounds of a variety show.
“’s none of your business! I can growl all I want, this is my apartment!”
“PMS-ing hyung?”
“You want me to karate-chop your head or what?”
“Geez, I was just being the nice, caring younger brother you always said I should be, but I guess someone’s not appreciating my effort.”, Min grumbled, cynicism in full blast. I looked at him from where I was lying on the bed, and only seeing the back of his head. I wonder what he was thinking, this younger brother of mine. At times like this I really wish I had the power to read minds, so I could read his and that teasing twit’s as well.
Despite his cold and more than cruel admonition, I knew deep in my heart that he really cared for me, because if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t even acknowledge my restlessness in the first place. That’s Changmin for you, he’s downright rude and sarcastic but he’s also thoughtful and mindful of people. To be honest I feel better when he’s being an ass like this, because if he acts indifferent it means my existence doesn’t matter and he just doesn’t fucking care what happen to me anymore. And as long as we’ve been brothers, he’s always been a royal pain, so I guess everything’s good? Changmin loves me by being an annoying, crude brat that never bothered to sugar-coat his words with lies and false pretense. It was a twisted logic, but then what do you expect from two twisted kids?
“Min-ah.”
“Hmm.”
“What are you thinking right now?”
“Huh what?”
“Nothing. I just want to know what you’re thinking.”
“...”
“...”
“I’m thinking you’ve gone bonkers and now you're trying to fucking mess with my head so I could be as crazy as you.”
“Oh shut up. I know you are worried because you love me.”
Min turned around and made a disgusted face, and I smiled wide - feeling victorious. He seemed relax enough, and I knew I had to fire the question now, before it’s too late.
“Min-ah.”
“What?”
“You've never told me what exactly happened before...err, you know.”
“Before what?”
“You know...”
“No, I don’t.”
“Aish, you know that thing that happened-“
“Oh crapshit just say it out loud hyung! Why are you going round and round the topic like girls?!”
“Okay, fine! I want to know what happened before you overdosed! Happy?”
“See? It’s easier if you just go on and ask, rather than beat around the bush like that!”
“I just don’t want you to feel awkward! The least you could do is say ‘oh thanks hyung for being considerate of my feelings’, but no you don’t…you just had to go and shout at me. I’m your hyung, okay? Why can’t you show me some respect?”
“No, you’re not my hyung, you’re my omma. Geez, why so emotional? Someone dumped you?”
Ouch. Big double fucking ouch that hit too close to home. I winced, and Changmin grinned. His eyes hooded in satisfaction, winning smirk triumphed on his lips.
“So it’s true. Someone got dumped.”
“Don’t try to change the subject! I wasn’t dumped! I wasn’t…I wasn’t anything! This isn’t about me, it’s about you! I wasn’t the one who OD-ed!” I yelled back, trying to salvage the situation but digging deeper into my grave. Biting my lips at the seemingly cruel words, I looked up at him and hoped he didn’t take offense. Changmin stood up and smirked, walking lazily to the sink before glancing back at me from the small kitchen, eyes suddenly a bit too…sad.
“That was a stupid thing I did, right hyung? I couldn’t believe how fucked up I was then-”
“Min..”
“-...I’m sorry.”
His voice was barely audible, and I felt my heart tugged by an invisible string, ready to be drowned by guilt.
“Tell me what happened, Min. I want to know. Did it have something to do with…Inshil?”, I asked him as softly as I could, and he nodded, washing his bowl in silence. His back hunched over the sink, face hidden from me yet I could see him shaking. Unlike me, he has always believed in love - he is the true romantic between the two of us. Despite his coarse manner towards me, he’s actually quite the gentleman with the ladies, often going out of his way to please the girls that he dated. Among his ex-girlfriends (he only had 3 so far), Inshil had been with him the longest, and the one he loved the most. When they first started dating about a few months ago, Min couldn’t stop yapping about how wonderful the girl is, how pretty she is, how perfect she is. Inshil was everything Min had wanted in a woman, feminine and caring, with intelligence to match.
I wondered what went wrong in their relationship. Supposedly that Inshil was the perfect girlfriend and Changmin was the perfect boyfriend, how could things sour so much between the two that it drove Min into doing something utterly stupid like overdosing on drugs?
“What happened? I thought you and Inshil…”
“I don’t know hyung…I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. It’s better this way.”
I jumped out of the bed, taking three long strides towards Min before hugging him from behind. He didn’t resist or push me away like I thought he would, he just stood there stoned and fixated with his overly cleaned bowl.
“Min, tell hyung what’s going on. You’re not telling the truth, I know.”
I heard him took a deep breath as he laid the bowl on the rack to dry, turning around and pushing me slightly out of his way. He chuckled to himself, looking down at his wiggling toes.
“She said I have issues.”
“W-what?”
“She said I have-“
“I heard you...why would she say that??”
Min looked up, eyes a little redder than before. He smirked to appear nonchalant, but I knew there was a storm raging in his mind and inside his soul. Oh my poor brother, how much he had hurt over this.
“It’s my fault, hyung, not hers. I overdid myself, going suspicious every time she went out with other people…and since we didn’t have any class together this semester, I went crazy and questioned her whereabouts whenever I had the chance. She got tired of that I guess…and started to see someone else behind my back. I was furious when I knew about it, you know me hyung, once my temper burst it’s like a volcano has erupted, and I…I slapped her in front of everybody.”
“Oh Min…”, I pulled him close, but this time he resisted, shoving me away with both palms on my shoulders.
“I felt so shitty afterward…for God’s sake I slapped a girl! I’m the worst kind of man out there…I’m just like Appa, hyung! I kept thinking how low I have sunk to be doing something like this…and in between feeling guilty and fucking depressed, I got convinced that I’m really a spitting clone of our Appa…because I acted so much like him.”
My heart broke at this. The proud Changminnie I knew getting so beat up by the thought of being similar to our father - who had done nothing but damage to our lives. I thought running away from home would protect us from them, but their ghosts continued to haunt us subconsciously in our minds, whispering to us how we are no different from them. Changmin was wrong, he’s not like our father - how could he be, when he’s always been responsible and smart and thoughtful?
“No! You’re not like Appa! Not at all, Min-ah…please don’t say that.”
“We have his blood in us, hyung…there’s that crazy streak in us that makes us violent, that makes us possessive…we got that from him and we’re never going to able to kick it out.”, he snickered at this, but a tear rolled down his cheek, which he brushed off harshly with the back of one hand.
Jaejoong told me that acceptance in the first step to gain full forgiveness of oneself. I realized then that both Changmin and I haven’t accepted our fate and had lived dwelling in the pasts, drawing conclusion to what happened back then as reasons to what we did today. We are two people who make excuses as a way to justify our existence, and it’s the wrong way to live, no matter how convenient and easy it was to blame the ghosts of your past to explain everything you do in the present. It makes us prisoners in our own fear and sadness, and makes us cower and take everything that we were given and never asked for anything because we thought we don’t deserve it. We grew up believing no one would love us, and when there is someone that does, we got scared and acted in the opposite way of how we wanted to act.
“Min-ah…Appa had nothing to do with how you acted, what you did was because you’re mad and you felt like you haven’t been treated justly…it was a natural reaction to humiliation. I’m not saying what you did to Inshil or to yourself is something good, because it’s not. It’s awful and it’s stupid, and you know this even if I don’t tell you, right Min-ah? We can’t continue making Appa and Omma as excuses for behaving badly, Min, because we are adults now…we made our own decision and choices, and no one can tell us to do something if we don’t want to do it.”
“I know…but it’s easier this way…I can’t…fuck, I can’t believe I could slap a girl like that! It wasn’t me, hyung…it wasn’t the real me…”, he wiped his tears angrily, turning his back to me and crying into his palm. I stepped in closer, holding his heaving shoulder with a one-arm hug, squeezing it a little for support.
“Yes, it wasn’t the real you…but it was a part of you. You are human, Min, humans get angry and do stupid things because they let their temporary madness takes over their mind and in that split second, a lot of things can happen. You need to accept that it was a mistake you did and that you’re better than this.”
“I can’t forgive myself, hyung…I can’t look in the mirror and not see Appa somewhere in my semblance. He’s there in me…he made me this way.”
“Of course you see him in you, you’re made from his blood after all. You got that handsome face from him, Min, but you do realize that you’re better than him to act exactly like he did, right?”
Min nodded, and I plowed on, my soul fully opened and finally free. It was a sort of self-revelation, that I was better than what my history made me and that I deserve love like every other person. Jaejoong made me see that…he made me see that loving someone could be the next best thing to total freedom - made me see that you live as you think. He made me braver and forgiving…he made me a better person.
“Someone told me that forgiveness comes differently for everyone…and I used to think I’m okay living with hatred towards Appa and Omma as long as I live, but I realize now that hatred makes you a monster, Min. It makes us believe that what we do is excusable, because we are ‘victimized’ by our pasts. We are not tortured souls, are we dongsaeng?”
He shook his head and answered brokenly, “No, we’re not.”
I nodded, and felt my eyes going suspiciously wet, “Let’s move on and live our lives the best we can, okay? No more hating ourselves because we see Appa and Omma in us, because they made mistakes and they paid their dues for it…we are the ones who define our own destiny, Min, we are what we want us to be.”
Min laughed a little and pushed me away, tears wiped clean from his face.
“God you went all mommy on me again, hyung…I can’t believe I let you did this. You made me cry…this is all so fucking gay…”, he said under his breath, a lopsided grin sweetening his young face as he mocked me. I pinched his side as hard as I can and he screamed like a girl, and I knew everything was alright again.
Facing our nightmares head on and valiantly, we managed to see past our darkness and discovered ourselves. What we need to do now is look up to the future, and right now, I want nothing else but to see my future with Jaejoong.
*
I was checking my lesson plan when Donghae barged into the meeting room, panting slightly from his run. I looked up at him curiously, and before I could ask him what was that about, he quickly cut me with his own question,
“Yunho! Have you heard?”
“Heard what?”, my brows creased at this, and he sighed, slumping down on a chair next to mine. He breathed deep and looked at me, face unreadable.
“Our supervisor is no longer Kim Jaejoong-sshi. We’ve been transferred to be under Lee YooJin-songsengnim.”
No, did I hear that right? Jaejoong was not going to be our supervisor anymore? A deep-seated fear set in my guts, and I was worried that it had anything to do with the current situation between him and me. Could it be that he really hates me now and is trying to get rid of me from his life altogether?
“What happened to Jaejoong?”, I asked back, and felt bile rising to my throat. I was so scared and nervous, I really wasn’t expecting this to happen.
“I heard that he's going to continue his studies and get a doctorate. I’m not really sure, because I haven’t heard anything from the man himself. The students in his class told me about this, because apparently a student heard some teachers talking about how Jaejoong is going to be away starting from next week and won’t be back for another year. What do you think is the reason for his sudden leaving?”
I closed my eyes, knowing that my greatest fear had just become a reality. Jaejoong was obviously trying to run away from me, and this was not how I want us to end. How could he - this is not fair - he said he’ll tell me his decision!
“I’m going to go and see him.”, I stood up and walked out, ignoring Donghae who was shouting at me to stop.
*
Jaejoong’s door was ajar when I stormed in, Annie hot on my heels trying to stop me from barging in. The first moment I saw him standing there behind his desk, I was overwhelmed with how much I had missed this man who had unwittingly changed me and made me fall stupid in love with him.
“I’m sorry Jaejoong-ah, this boy won’t-“
“Why?”, no hello and no hi as I quickly cut Annie’s words. I was just extremely disturbed beyond explanation to be courteous to anyone right now.
Jaejoong looked straight at me and sighed, combing his hair back with one hand.
“Sit down, Yunho. Thank you, Annie, I’ll take it from here.”, Annie nodded and closed the door on her way out. Jaejoong went and locked the door behind her, and I was left nearly bursting into tears at this ravine-like gap between us.
“Sit down and I’ll explain everything to you.”, Jaejoong’s word broke my reverie as I silently sat on one of the chairs, looking at anywhere but him. This was just too much, he’s breaking me…why was he so cruel?
“I take it that someone told you about my going away, huh?”, I nodded and he chuckled, the reason for his amused laugh lost on me, “News sure does travel fast in this school.”
“Why? Why are you going away? Is it because of me? It’s because of me, isn’t it?”, I couldn’t stand it anymore, why was he acting so blasé about this? This was important, was it not? He made this decision because of me, I knew it!
“Yunhoya, relax! Now, now…let’s not jump into conclusions, shall we?”, Jaejoong said calmly as he knelt next to my chair, prying my hands off the handles and kissing my knuckles. God what was this all about?
“It’s true I’m going away and I won’t be your supervisor anymore…I planned to tell you today but it looks like someone beat me to it. You’re right, I made this decision because of you…”, my eyes went wide at this, heart thumping so hard within my ribcage, “…but it’s not because I want to run away from you. I made this decision because I want to be with you.”
“W-what?”
“I want to be with you, Yunhoya…I’m in love with you.”
It was like time had stopped for a second and my mind went hazy from the commotion roused from my overly joyous heart that was breakdancing to cheesy love ballads, if that’s even possible.
“Y-you are?”
Jaejoong smiled and stood up, before he sat on my lap, linking his arms around my neck and kissing me soundly, his feeling clearly mirrored in his eyes.
“I’m in love with you, Yunhoya…and I want to spend my life with you. Tell me you feel the same way too.”
I answered him with a kiss that told him that and much more. This was not the ending of us as I had imagined it to be, it was only the beginning.
--[TBC]
a/n: like Yunho said, it's not the ending yet. lol. :p