deeper conversation: epilogue [part ii]
for perfectstart, jeshara, peaches00a, shigai, fathi_jae, twnklsnowflake, desireelim, jaeyunshii, yunho4ever, asuka2507, lovelykitten8, senseikk, vizinga, xxelinaxx, dilovesyunjae, tvxqlover84, pinksparkles14, locofruitcake and crazyfantasia. thank you for commenting on the first part of the epilogue, and i'm really 1907321312987x sorry this took so long to finish. and i apologize beforehand if this sucks beyond redemption. with all my love for all of you. *bows*
WARNING: long epilogue is kind of long. +7, 400 words in this part. :]
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Jaejoong knocked on the door of Changmin’s apartment, the loud rap of his knuckle against the wood incomparable to the nervous hammering of his heart in his chest. He swore he could hear the roar of his blood pumping in his ears, as he waited for the door to open and reveal his wronged lover who had ran away after their fight.
What would he say? Should he just kneel down and grovel while saying sorry? Or should he start by explaining his actions to Yunho and ask for his forgiveness later? The roof of his mouth felt dry, his chest hurting with every second passed as he tried to calm his nerves by silent pep-talk.
Yunho loves me, he’ll forgive me, he’ll take me back-
The doorknob twisted and Jaejoong saw a tall figure emerged from behind the half-opened crack of the door - and it proved to be no one other than Yunho’s younger brother, Changmin.
“Hi, Jaejoong-hyung.”, Changmin greeted calmly, a smirk gracing his lips as he opened the door wider so that Jaejoong could enter. Jaejoong mouthed an almost silent ‘hi’ back, a bit disappointed that it wasn’t Yunho who answered the door but more than relieved as well that it was Changmin. He had rushed from home after breakfast with only Yunho in mind, and after he had arrived in front of the apartment and knocked on the door did he realize he hadn’t thought of what to say. He had thought that the words will come when he sees Yunho, and he already knew he will have to apologize for resorting to physical violence when Yunho clearly didn’t deserve that, no matter how cruel his accusations were.
“Where’s…umm…Yunho?”, Jaejoong asked, his voice shaky and his eyes shifty. Changmin chuckled at the older man’s unusual lack of compose, the Jaejoong he knew had always behaved coolly and in control. Changmin found it adorable and more than happy that his brother had affected Jaejoong as much as Jaejoong had affected his brother, because it can only means one thing then - they love and care for each other more than they would ever realize.
“He went out early this morning, didn’t say where he was going. Want something to drink? I have water, and, uh,” Changmin opened his refrigerator and looked in, before looking up again and muttering viciously, “water. Bastard finished all my beers and apple juice, damn it.”
Jaejoong just looked around the apartment dazedly, before he sat down on the aged couch, rubbing his sweaty palms against the rough of his jeans.
“Water is fine. Too early for alcohol anyway, and I need to, umm, have a clear head when I see Yunho.”, Jaejoong replied, his sentence reduced to near-mumble by the end of it. Changmin handed him a glass of plain water and sat down next to the man, pulling his knees up as he looked at Jaejoong expectantly.
“So…”, he drawled deeply, and had a short sadistic satisfaction of watching Jaejoong shifting in unease, “…you came to apologize? You came after you punched my brother’s face, nearly broke his nose and now you came to apologize?”
Jaejoong glanced at Changmin once, before he gulped almost half of the water in the glass and stuttered, “I, uh, yes, I am here to apologize…because I punched his face and nearly broke his nose and…wait. Wait. I didn’t punch his nose-”
Changmin reached out to pat Jaejoong’s shoulder as he laughed, merry sounds that didn’t quite fit the situation in Jaejoong’s mind. He looked up at the younger man, and realized instantly that Changmin was teasing him. He groaned aloud, plopping back to lean against the couch’s arm and kicking Changmin’s shin half-heartedly.
“How could you…”, Jaejoong whined, digging his toes against Changmin’s calf. Changmin continued to cackle, much acting like a kid he actually was as he shifted away and fell down on the floor with a not-so-soft thud.
“Just want to see how you’d react. But hey, you did punch my brother okay? I should be mad at you for causing my brother bodily harm…”, Changmin said amusedly, no hint of anger in his voice. Jaejoong just sighed, putting an arm over his eyes and shielding his face from the younger man.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know how I could do that…I just-”
Changmin patted Jaejoong’s knee, and looked up at the man keenly as Jaejoong removed his arm away.
“Jaejoong-hyung, I’m not mad at you, not at all. I know Yunho-hyung said some things he shouldn’t have said to you…”
“But still, I shouldn’t have done that.”
“He called for it…”
“Not enough to make him deserve getting punched in the face…I have to admit I lost control of myself. I just hoped the damage I had done wasn’t too terrible…and that he’ll forgive me for being a monster for a few seconds then.”
Changmin nodded, understanding Jaejoong’s predicament well. He had been in that hot spot, pushed to a corner with burning anger when his girlfriend of three months cheated on him with someone else, kissing the guy in plain view of their friends and foes. He had resorted to violence then, smacking the girl hard till her neck almost snapped from the huge amount of disappointment and unfairness he had felt from being lied to and shamed in front of other people. Changmin knew how hard it was for Jaejoong to think rationally when he was pushed into almost similar situation, with Yunho accusing him of something he had not done. It did not mean it was the right thing to do, but it was understandable in any circumstances. They are all just human, after all.
Jaejoong felt tears pulling at his lashes when Changmin looked away, a faraway gaze set in his eyes.
“Yunho-hyung is stupid…you and I both know he had a hand in making you punched him that hard and I’m sure he knew it too…and that you’re beside yourself when you did what you did. He might be hopelessly dense, but he loves you, hyung...he’ll forgive you just like you’ve forgave him. I’ve never seen him happier than when he’s with you. You make him smile and laugh, and you make him feel good about himself. I can tell as much by the way he talked and bragged about you on the phone. So I’m glad you came here to patch things up between you two…because I really think Yunho-hyung deserves someone like you.”
“Changmin…”
Changmin smiled a bittersweet half-smile, still looking sort of dazed, “Since we were kids, hyung always takes care of me. I knew everything about our parents…how Appa would come home drunk or high and beat Omma for more money…but hyung was always so stubborn and insisted to keep me in the dark. I remember one night when the fight got so bad…I heard the television crashed to the floor and Appa swearing as Omma cried…but hyung…hyung kept shielding my ears with his two tiny hands, even though it did nothing to muffle the sound. I heard it all, but I pretended I didn’t because I knew hyung would be more worried if I let him know I knew…about everything. Imagine how bad he would feel if he knew I learned all the cussing words from such a young age.”
The young man chuckled, but Jaejoong had never heard someone chuckled so sadly neither did he ever think it was possible for someone to do that. He pulled Changmin’s head closer so that he’s leaning against his knees, and stroked the younger man’s hair. Jaejoong realized he had come to care about Changmin like a brother, and because they both have so much love for the same person - Yunho.
“So please take care of him, Jaejoong-hyung. I know he can be callous and ridiculously dense at times, but please take time to understand where he’s coming from. Hyung rarely says what’s on his mind because he’s so used to keeping everything inside…he keeps toughing it out until it got too much and he burst with the weight of it all. He’s more a parent to me than my parents ever were, and although I hate it so much when he meddles and treats me like a kid, I’m grateful I have him because no one would love me as much as he does. That’s why I want him to be happy…I want him to have someone who would love him more than I do.”
“Changminah, I do love your hyung…so, so much that sometimes…it gets hard…to not just act but think.”, Jaejoong confessed, sighing as he did so. Changmin looked up, smiling at older man who had stolen his brother’s heart.
“I believe it’s hard for hyung to think too when he’s with you. It’s what tells you you are in love, right? Because that someone occupies your heart and soul and sometimes, it gets too crowded inside of you with thoughts of him alone that you can’t make allowance for anything else. You feel so much from the simplest thing he says or does and you just want to act and react. I think that’s normal when you are in love. When hyung was with his previous partners, I couldn’t see this side of him…he was more in control then, more guarded of his heart and the extent to which they could affect him. He let them in, but didn’t offer them to stay…because I think…he’s waiting for someone like you. Someone who’s mature enough to understand and forgive him when he does something wrong, someone who could teach him how to be selfish and demand things…how to be a human. And someone who will love him as he is but at the same time, encourage him to be the best. Hyung was almost a saint before he knew you…well at least a saint who knew where to get some.”
Changmin laughed finally, letting Jaejoong brushed his hair as he snuggled closer, leeching some warmth and affection from the man who had captured his brother’s heart. He had never doubted Jaejoong’s depth of love towards Yunho since the beginning, because he could tell as much from Yunho’s actions and words how much Jaejoong had helped him heal the wounds he had in himself, acquired from growing up in a loveless home, where caring words were lost under the brunt of hatred and deep-seated fear. Changmin swore he never saw happiness until he saw Yunho and Jaejoong, and knew the other people that come with the growth of their relationship. He was more than sure that Yunho never experienced such joy before too, and he prayed that both Yunho and Jaejoong will never lose the tenderness that they had found in each other. Months trailed along and Changmin found himself deeply attached to Yoochun, Junsu and Jinjoo - almost as if they are all part of a family, with Yunho and Jaejoong as the important two that ties all of them together. He will be damned if he lets something stupid like Yunho’s misplaced jealousy threatened the contented bliss he knows Jaejoong could provide his brother.
“I’m going to set things right again, Min. I’m going to apologize to Yunho for being a lousy partner and for failing to see how distressed he was about everything…I love him, Changminah…he completes me in ways no one else can and for that, I’m never going to let him go. I promise you I will take care of him better after this. Yunho and I have to talk things through, of course…there’s so much misunderstanding between us that needs to be clarified. I believe we can get through this. I refuse to think that our love is so fragile that something as simple as this fight could have torn it apart…”
Jaejoong spoke slowly, but surely, as Changmin’s words left a profound mark in his heart. Yunho and Changmin had both gone through so much in their life, scrapping by with only each other to hold and to get love from. He felt so much for both of them. If there is a way for him to undo the past, he will undo their suffering first and foremost, giving them the love of a family that broke under the carelessness of the parents that brought them to life. He doesn’t have that power, but he has himself. He has Jinjoo, Yoochun and Junsu - and with them he will make sure Yunho and Changmin wouldn’t be lonely again. He believed there was a reason their paths had crossed this way, and he was glad that he was the one to bring Yunho and Changmin their overdue happiness. Especially Yunho, who had shouldered a lot since he was young. Jaejoong felt himself tearing up at the solemn thoughts of young Yunho who struggled to keep his brother and himself save from their parents’ harsh treatments, taking all the pain and sheltering Min from them. He wanted nothing more than to hug Yunho and tell him he wouldn’t feel that way again…that he wouldn’t feel that kind of pain again if he lets Jaejoong make it up on his mistake.
“I’m glad to hear that, hyung…it’s such a pity if everything ends because of something that never happened in the first place. Hyung’s such a fool for thinking you’d leave him for someone else.”
“I guess we’re both to blame for losing grasp of what’s important for both of us…I had my fair share in letting him think that way. I didn’t realize he was feeling insecure…I’m a fool too for that. But I’m going to make up for what we’ve lost…”
Jaejoong sighed deeply, regret coloring his words and expression. Changmin looked up in contemplation, before he stood up and pulled Jaejoong to stand on his feet.
“You know what? You can actually start making up for what’s lost right now…starting from my food. Since your boyfriend ate everything edible from my fridge and managed to clean up my food cabinet in his drunken state, I’d really appreciate it if you can accompany me to the supermarket to stock them back up to their original wholesomeness. I’m a growing boy, and everyone agrees that no one should deny a growing boy his food.”
*
Yunho stepped into the apartment tentatively, after ringing the bell and having no one answered the door for ten whole minutes. His heart was thundering beneath his ribcage, afraid that Jaejoong would be waiting inside with a disappointed expression on his face to tell him that their relationship can’t be salvaged any longer.
‘It’s over’ kept ringing inside his ears like a disease. He wished it’d just go away but the more he wished, the louder it screamed. Yunho breathed deeply, summoning every ounce of strength and bravery as he stepped further into the apartment.
“Jaejoong? Jaejoong are you in?”, he called out softly, as if he was afraid of breaking the stillness that haunted the apartment. His voice slightly echoed back instead of the anticipated answer, and he let out a half-relieved sigh. He wasn’t sure he was fully ready to see Jaejoong right now, knowing well that Jaejoong was likely still pissed at him for being such a retard the night before.
Yunho walked towards the kitchen, his throat parched from the long walk he had taken from the Employment Office to the apartment. The sun was high and mighty up on the sky and considering it was nearly early December, the slight warmth was gratefully welcomed amidst the encroaching cold that seemed to seep down to his bone. Yunho quickly went to the sink to fill up a glass, and immediately his eyes caught a soaked pot of what seemed to be finished stew. He began to imagine Jaejoong preening around the kitchen, cooking his favorite stew as if nothing had happened, and somehow his heart felt like it had been gripped tight and it hurt so much.
The glass slipped through his hand before he knew it, and it fell on the floor in shattering pieces.
His eyes watered and his vision blurred, and Yunho gasped as thoughts of how Jaejoong could have moved on so easily from him made him nearly choked on his own tongue. He gripped the edge of the kitchen island, finding stability before he too fell down on the floor like the glass he had just dropped.
It just hurt…too much, and Yunho couldn’t believe he had been the one who ruined it all for himself. If only he had kept his mouth shut, Jaejoong wouldn’t have been mad and he wouldn’t have to hurt like this. Sniffling back his tears before he started sobbing like he did last night, Yunho gathered all the strength still left in his body to move from the kitchen and walked into the living room.
It wasn’t much better in the dim living room. Yunho felt sadness looming from every corner of the room, his eyes adjusting to the scarce light as he walked towards the curtain and pulled it open to the sides, letting sunshine bathed the seemingly forlorn space. He looked outward the park across the street and saw kids playing football on the small field while their parents sat on the benches, talking and keeping an eye on their children at the same time. At the far end of the park, he spotted a young couple walking hand-in-hand, faces turned toward each other and Yunho can imagine them laughing at private jokes only meant for two. Life was going on sweetly for others while his was crumbling down because he had wrecked it with thoughtless jealousy and mindless accusation.
“Forgive me, baby…”, Yunho mouthed quietly to no one, his eyes blinded by the bleak future where he sees no Jaejoong in it. There is no way he could have moved on from Jaejoong as easily as the man has moved on from him…Jaejoong had captured his heart, mind and soul thoroughly and completely and Yunho didn’t have the power nor the want to take them all back. Jaejoong owned him since the day Yunho saw him the first time in his office, glasses perched atop his nose bridge, his smile as warm as the sun. Jaejoong was the sexiest and most beautiful man he had ever seen in his life, and he was hooked from the first moment their eyes connected. It was like he had been struck by lust at first sight, watching Jaejoong moved and talked as if he was sex poured and made into a human. Yunho was easily captivated by Jaejoong, but his desires had made him clumsy around the man. Spagetti spilled unceremoniously on the floor and smeared on shirts but who knows that was the beginning of their relationship? Yunho smiled thinly at the memory of holding Jaejoong’s shirt tightly as he went to sleep - dreaming of holding Jaejoong instead of the cotton fabric. He had been given that golden chance, but now he had ruined it because he was an idiot who had nothing better to do than to feel insecure about himself.
Yunho sighed deeply, his eyes still looking out to the park as he remembered what Changmin had told him this morning. The younger man had scolded him for being a pessimist, and that his doubting was the reason all this mess started. Maybe Changmin was right, Yunho thought. He hasn’t even had the chance to apologize to Jaejoong after their fight, and Lord knows someone up there could have pitied his stupid soul and granted him his hundredth something chance. He would apologize to Jaejoong, that’s for sure. He didn’t know what the outcome will be, but he was determined to try. If Jaejoong refused to listen, he would beg down on his knees and grovel low on the ground so the man would spare a second to hear what was on his mind. At least few seconds long enough for him to say he was sorry for hurling all those baseless accusation towards Jaejoong, and hopefully after that Jaejoong would be willing to listen to what had caused him to think like that in the first place. Then after that, if luck would have it, Yunho would like to tell Jaejoong how much he still love him and want them to stay together. He will do what he can to save their relationship before it truly goes to tatters. He was ready now to admit his mistake, and to take responsibility for what he had done.
The doorbell rang and startled Yunho out of his thoughts, and immediately he felt his heart racing again to its earlier nervous state. Walking briskly towards the front door, Yunho was surprised to see Yoochun and Jinjoo when he opened it wide, grinning happily like they always do.
“Yunho-hyung!!!”, Jinjoo yelped out as he hauled himself unto Yunho, hugging him tightly around the waist and snuggling deeper. Yoochun laughed at his son’s antics, while Yunho was dumbstruck at their surprised visit.
“H-hi...”, Yunho said nervously, and it made Yoochun chuckled. The man patted his shoulder and said hi back, before inviting himself in. Jinjoo let Yunho go before looking up at him, eyebrows knitted together in a show of confusion and curiosity.
“Hyung, are you alright?”, Jinjoo asked, concerned at Yunho’s lack of reaction. Yunho forced a smile to reassure Jinjoo he’s fine, but then the boy spotted Yunho’s swollen cheek and began asking again, more frantic this time.
“What happened to your cheek? Did you get into a fight? Did Changmin-hyung sock you in the face?”, Jinjoo asked curiously, pulling Yunho down so he could get a good look at Yunho’s face. Yunho winced a bit when Jinjoo’s fingers trailed non-so-gently over his bluish cheek, and he could hear Yoochun laughing softly from somewhere in the living room.
“I’m okay, Jinjooya…just bumped into the wall when I wasn’t looking.”, Yunho answered lamely, hoping Jinjoo would buy into the obvious lie. Jinjoo scrunched his face and tsked, patting Yunho’s head like an adult would to a naughty, careless child.
“Next time please be more careful, Yunho-hyung. The wall will always be there, so you are the one who have to be aware of it. Don’t daydream while walking…okay?”, Jinjoo nagged, giving advice confidently as if he wasn’t the ten year-old boy still running around claiming hugs from everyone.
“Okay, Jinjoo-sshi…I’ll remember that.”, Yunho nodded smilingly, pinching Jinjoo’s cheek lightly as he straightened back up and turned around to face Yoochun, who was leaning against the back of the sofa waiting for them. Yoochun looked at Yunho with an unreadable expression, and Yunho felt his heart take a plunge and he gulped openly.
“Jinjooya, why don’t you take your bags into your room? Appa need to talk to Yunho-hyung a bit…”, Yoochun said, eyes never leaving Yunho’s face. Jinjoo quickly obeyed, dragging his bag pack and overnight duffel to his room on the far end of the corridor.
Yoochun gestured towards the kitchen and Yunho followed, feet heavy as he realized he had also wronged Yoochun in a way. He had dragged Yoochun into the mess because he was jealous, and now Yoochun was here to probably, give him a piece of his mind. As he was mulling over what Yoochun would say, he heard Yoochun gasped and immediately remembered that he hadn’t clean the glass he had broken earlier.
“What happened here??”, Yoochun asked worriedly, pivoting around his feet to look at Yunho, who quickly went around and grabbed a brush to clean the broken pieces.
“I…I was…the glass slipped when I was trying to get something to drink…I meant to clean it up before…before Jaejoong gets back. I didn’t know…I didn’t know you and Jinjoo are coming over…Sorry for that, Yoochun-hyung…”, Yunho apologized, stumbling over words as his hands busily brushed the glasses into the plastic container, before he binned them. He kept apologizing, failing to realize Yoochun was chuckling amusedly at him, and when he finally did, he couldn’t help but looked at Yoochun confusedly.
“Is…is something wrong?”
Yoochun grinned as he sat himself on the kitchen stool, “Yunhoya...since when did you call me hyung, huh? Did Jaejoong punch you that hard to make you forget how things are around here?”
“I…you know?”
Yoochun nodded, his smile still sweetly hovering on his lips, “Su told me about it. Not all the gory details, only the gist of what happened. He came here last night to check on Jae after your brother called our house…Su told me Joongie was such a mess, and he had to cook for him because he haven’t eaten anything since the night you left…”
“The stew…Junsu cooked for Jaejoong?”, Yunho asked stupidly, and felt hugely relieved but entirely foolish at feeling so down at the thought of Jaejoong cooking as if nothing was going on. Yoochun laughed when he realized what had probably caused the broken glass, and Yunho chuckled sheepishly in reply, caught red-handed for being an idiot.
“Aish Yunhoya…”, Yoochun shook his head in disbelief, gesturing Yunho to take a seat on one of the stools, “…you really do think too much, don’t you?”
Yunho nodded guiltily, scratching his not-itchy nape and looking down at the marbled table.
“I guess so…”
Yoochun looked at him warmly, reaching a hand out to pat his arm, “Yunhoya…I’m sorry for butting in like this…but you know you don’t have to worry about Jaejoong and I, right? I don’t love him like that anymore, Yunho…I don’t think of him like you do. I have Junsu for that, and I love my husband too much to have that kind of thoughts about someone else. Jaejoong is my best friend…a brother at best, and of course, one of my son’s fathers. I know we were married once, but what’s past is past. I did love him once, but things were not meant to be that way between us…he wasn’t made for me as I wasn’t made for him. I’m sorry if my actions all this while had been rather misleading, but you have to know this…I’d never do anything to ruin anything between the two of you. I care a lot for Jaejoong and you, and wish with everything in my heart that you two will always be happy together.”
Yunho felt embarrassed to the bone hearing Yoochun assured him like this, but if he was to be honest to himself, Yoochun’s admission did clear up a lot of his doubts. He smiled apologetically at Yoochun, taking the man’s hand in between his palms as he looked up,
“I’m sorry, Yoochun…I was so stupid to doubt you and Jaejoong like that…both of you did nothing wrong, it’s just that I’m an idiot who feel insecure about himself... I said some things I shouldn’t have said…I accused you guys for something neither of you had done…I’m really, really sorry, Yoochun…please forgive me for that. God, I feel so stupid…so, so stupid now…if only I could take back what I’ve said….”
Yoochun smiled back, gripping Yunho’s hand for a second to let him know he was forgiven, “No, you can’t never take the words back…but you can always mend it. I don’t hold a grudge against you, Yunho…we’re friends, aren’t we? Don’t beat yourself too hard over what happened…I’m sure Jaejoong has a share of guilt too. He must have done something to make you blow up like that.”
Yunho looked at Yoochun, a bit taken aback by his remark but the man just continue to speak his mind, seemingly unaware of what he had just said, “I’ve known you for almost eight months now, Yunhoya…I know how you usually are. I might not know you as well as Jaejoong does, but I know you’re not the type who would say things like that, even in anger. You get angry easier, but you also calm down much quicker. Young blood…the world is much brilliant in color and intensity when you are younger, and you feel things more acutely than us old men…”
Yoochun laughed merrily, white teeth showing and eyes crinkling, and Yunho couldn’t help but to laugh with him.
“You admit you’re old…that’s something new.”, Yunho joshed, heart feeling a bit light now after he had apologized to Yoochun. He was grateful Yoochun and Junsu were good people who forgive easily and love much easier, and he understood now why Jaejoong couldn’t let Yoochun go from his life even when their marriage failed. There was no artifice in Yoochun’s conduct, and Yunho realized that Yoochun wasn’t someone he should be wary of. Yoochun cares earnestly for Jaejoong, and that’s something Yunho would always be thankful of because Jaejoong deserves having people love him like that.
“Ah, don’t take advantage of that! I’m not that old…older than you, yes, but not that old. Never that old.”, Yoochun added jokingly, punching Yunho slightly on his shoulder and laughing when Yunho nearly stumbled off his stool.
“You and Jaejoong are such violent creatures!”, Yunho remarked, pouting exaggeratedly to Yoochun’s amusement.
“I learned from him. Heh. Did he tell you he used to fight a lot when he was a kid?”
“He did. Jaejoong had been through a lot, hadn’t he…”, Yunho remarked softly, a memory of Jaejoong telling him of his youth as they cuddled on the sofa after watching a drama resurfacing vividly in his mind. He recalled the ache he had heard in Jaejoong’s voice as he narrated his story, the pain brought by the untimely death of his adopted mother something he had kept in his heart like a splinter he couldn’t take out.
Yunho had cried then, empathizing with Jaejoong upon his lost. Jaejoong didn’t seem like the kind who has led a tough life, but Yunho knew better…Jaejoong simply didn’t allow his past to dictate his future. Jaejoong was a rebel without a cause as a teen, but he refused to make that predicament a decisive factor to who he would be as an adult. Yunho had admired that in him, using Jaejoong’s strong willpower as a token to garner his own. He too, had suffered an unhappy life when he was young…and like Jaejoong, he wanted to start anew without the shadow of his dark past following his every step.
Yoochun nodded in agreement, voice turning a bit solemn as he spoke, though his smile never left his lips as he did, “Jaejoongie’s a fighter. He believes that one determines one’s own fate, and he always makes sure he gets what he has aimed for. He dreams and works hard to fulfill it. He promised himself he would succeed in life, and he did. It’s what makes him the way he is now, focused and resolute…but that focus and resolution were also what cause him to lose control over other things in life. You understand what I mean by this, right? When Jaejoong is working, his mind is solely on his work and he would pay no heed to whatever is happening in his surrounding…and that includes loving someone. I’m not saying that Jaejoong doesn’t love you when he works, it’s just...you’re not his number one concern at that time. He’s a…what was it…ah, a workaholic, yes that’s the word I was searching for!”
Yunho smiled thinly, full understanding blossoming, “I know that, even before we started going out…but somehow, as time passes, I forgot about it. I wanted more of…his attention, and when I didn’t get that, I seethed inside and nurtured hate over something so trivial. I let my insecurity took hostage of my mind…and instead of supporting him and his work, I burdened him with my childish whines and needs. To be fully honest, I was worried about my current situation and I took it out on him.”
“Your current situation…?”, Yoochun asked, forehead rippling in question.
Yunho let out a sigh at this, rubbing the tensed muscles of his neck as he pondered over what had gone wrong, “I haven’t gotten any call for school placement. It’s been over three months now, and all of my friends have gotten their positions in the schools they’ve applied for. I’ve been troubled by this…and since I quit my part-time job two months ago, I felt like I was becoming a burden to Jaejoong. I couldn’t give him any financial support, and it was as if I had become less of a man in the relationship. I don’t want him to feel like I’m leeching off him…”
Yoochun sniggered, letting Yunho know how ridiculous he felt about Yunho’s thoughts, “You shouldn’t feel that way, Yunho. You are both men…not being able to give financial support doesn’t mean you’ve become lesser or a woman. Don’t put stereotype on your roles in your own relationship, even women are becoming breadwinners now to support their households. Who earns how much shouldn’t matter, what matters is both of you support each other in ways that you can. You can’t give money, but you can give him your love and concern, even your understanding. I’m sure you’ve helped him a lot by managing the house while he buried himself in his studies…and that he’s thankful you’re there to pick up where he lacked.”
Yunho smiled, putting that small advice into his mind along with the other things he had learned from this ordeal. He clasped Yoochun’s hand for one last time, utterly indebted.
“Like I said, I was stupid…and I’m not planning to be that stupid again. I’ve understood a lot of things now…Thank you, Yoochunah…for forgiving me and listening to me. I’ll apologize to Jaejoong, and I’ll let him know what he should know…because everything in my heart is his and will always be his.”
*
“Jinjooya! That’s not fair! You cheated!”
“No I didn’t! You’re the one who’s too slow!”
“You tricked me into going into that corner and then you slammed your car against mine…not fair!”
“Haha! That’s called being smart, Yunho-hyung…not cheating!”
“Aish, come here you little brat! I’ll squish you until you admit you cheated!”
“Noooooooo!!”
Jaejoong came home to a ruckus enfolding in the living room, the home theater set blaring the sound of a game, car engines ramping as loud as the familiar mixed of laughter he immediately recognized as Yunho’s and Jinjoo’s.
Both boys didn’t even realize they were being watched by someone as they tumbled over each other on the carpet, Jinjoo seemingly winning as he attacked Yunho who was groaning dramatically underneath him, gasping for breaths as he laughed. The scene brought a smile to Jaejoong’s lips, his heart soaring at seeing his boyfriend and son playing together like nothing had happened.
Jaejoong cleared his throat to make his presence known, and both Yunho and Jinjoo stilled, surprised at his sudden appearance. Jinjoo squealed as he jumped to his feet, running as fast as he can towards his father.
“Daddy! I miss you!”, Jinjoo exclaimed, kissing Jaejoong’s cheek when the man knelt so he could hug his son.
“I miss you too, baby. You’re having a good time with Yunho-hyung, aren't you?”, Jaejoong asked gently, kissing Jinjoo’s forehead as he did. He chanced a look at Yunho, who by then had stood up rather nervously. Jaejoong gave him a tender smile, and felt touched at how Yunho seemed to relax visibly at the simple gesture. Their eyes connected and thousands of unspoken feelings flowed between them, and Jaejoong knew then…everything’s going to be alright again.
“Yeah, we played the new games Appa bought for me yesterday! I won five times in a row…and Yunho-hyung accused me of cheating! Haha!”, Jinjoo proclaimed happily, oblivious to the exchange of stares between the two adults. Jaejoong nodded at his son’s ramble, but his gaze was fixed on Yunho…God knows how much he wanted to run to his lover and asks if he’s alright and then kiss him and says he’s sorry and tell him I love you so much, Yunhoya…so, so much…you know that, don’t you Yunhoya?
“…Daddy?”, Jinjoo asked, face scrunched up at what he just heard. Jaejoong blinked and looked at his son, lifting his eyebrows questioningly.
“Yes, Jinjoo?”
“Why are you mumbling Yunho-hyung’s name?”
Jaejoong’s eyes rounded at the realization that he had just spoken his thoughts out loud, and Yunho giggled from where he was. Feeling his cheeks warming up a blush, Jaejoong quickly stood up, brushing Jinjoo’s question away by ruffling the boy’s hair. Jinjoo yelped, complaining noisily that Jaejoong had just ruined his hair which was styled by his Appa earlier today.
“Have you guys had dinner?”, Jaejoong asked, steering away from the embarrassing situation. Jinjoo nodded eagerly, pointing to the pizza boxes on the coffee table. Yunho gave Jaejoong a shaky smile, scratching his head as he explained,
“There’s not enough ingredients in the fridge to cook something, so I ordered pizza. Don’t worry, it’s from Misarang…Uncle even came to deliver them himself.”
Jaejoong chuckled, coming nearer to peek into the pizza boxes. There were a few slices left uneaten, and he picked one up and quickly chewed on it, clearly hungry. As Jaejoong ate, Yunho came nearer too and bravely wiped some bits of sauce off the corner of Jaejoong’s lips. Sparks traveled where their skins touched, and their hearts raced in thunderous speed. Jaejoong gulped down the bite of pizza he had chewed, eyes never leaving Yunho’s. Lifting his hand to touch Yunho’s face, he thumbed the swollen skin where his knuckle had collided with Yunho’s cheek, worry and guilt unmistakably evident in his eyes.
“Are you alright, Yunho? Does it still hurt?”, Jaejoong questioned gently, his face souring with remorse over what he had done. Yunho shook his head, just a little white lie so as not to make Jaejoong worry. He smiled as wide as he can, turning slightly so he could kiss Jaejoong’s palm.
“I’m alright…it feels numb now. Don’t worry, okay?”
“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…”
“I deserved this for saying what I've said to you. Please don't feel guilty, Joongieya…I'm really okay now.”
Jinjoo looked between his father and Yunho, and instantly noticed the weird way they were talking to each other. Recognizing this as one of those times when adults want to be left alone, he faked a yawn loud enough so both Yunho and Jaejoong could hear. Both men sprang apart, looking at Jinjoo concernedly.
“Jinjoo, you’re already sleepy? So early…”, Jaejoong commented, and Jinjoo yawned again, eyes drooping deliberately.
“I’m tired, Daddy…I’ve been playing games with hyung for hours…and last night Appa and Papa kept me awake because they were making so much noise in their bedroom.”
“Noise? In bedroom?!”, both Yunho and Jaejoong nearly shouted, faces reddening at the possibility of what could have happened then.
“Yeah…they were moving furniture around…I heard them fighting over where to put the sofa…they were whispering but they whispered so loud, especially Papa…it was like he’s speaking right into my ears.”, Jinjoo shuddered, as Yunho and Jaejoong began laughing their stomachs off. They have walked straight into that, for sure.
Jaejoong ushered Jinjoo towards his room after their laughter subsided, leaving Yunho at the living room to clean up the mess they have made. Feeling rather refreshed from the laugh, Jaejoong waited smilingly as Jinjoo washed his face, brushed his teeth and changed into his pajama. Tucking the boy in his bed, Jaejoong kissed Jinjoo’s forehead once and was ready to walk out of the room when Jinjoo took hold of his hand, stopping him from leaving.
“Daddy…”
“Yes, baby?”, Jaejoong sat back on the edge of the bed, concern overtaking his feature immediately.
“Did you and Yunho-hyung fight before this?”
“How did you know…?”
“I heard Yunho-hyung and Appa talking when Appa sent me here this afternoon…they were talking in the kitchen but I overheard…I swear I didn’t mean to, but they weren’t exactly whispering and I have really good ears.”
Jaejoong smiled, brushing Jinjoo’s bangs back, “What did you hear, Jinjooya?”
“Not everything…but I heard Yunho-hyung said he’s sorry for being so stupid and he wants to apologize to you…Daddy, please forgive him, okay? I really like Yunho-hyung…and I know you like him very much too. You smile and laugh more when he’s with you, and when you’re happy, I’m happy too. Please don’t be so mad at him…he is really nice and fun…promise me you will forgive him…please, Daddy?”, Jinjoo looked up at his father, eyes wide and hopeful. Jaejoong felt tears pooling behind his eyelids at Jinjoo’s earnest request, and he knew that he had made the right choice when he decided to let Yunho in his life. Yunho not only changed him, but also brought happiness to Jinjoo.
“I promise.”, Jaejoong pledged, leaning down to kiss Jinjoo’s cheek again. Jinjoo snuggled deeper into his blanket, happy as he had secured the necessary promise from his father.
“Good night, Daddy.”
“Good night, Jinjooya. Sweet dreams.”
*
Yunho was waiting on the bed when Jaejoong entered the bedroom. Looking up at his lover, Yunho watched as Jaejoong closed and locked the door, standing against the door and looking at him from a distance. There were so many things need to be said between them, but words seemed to fail both of them at the moment, as realizations of what had happened in the past few months finally settled in both their minds.
“I’m sorry…”, both of them said it at the same time, and the breaths they didn’t realize they had been holding were let out in a relieved sigh. Jaejoong smiled warmly as Yunho grinned, and he stepped closer to the younger man before he knelt in front of him, hands reaching for Yunho’s own.
“I guess we’re both forgiven now, right?”, Jaejoong looked up at Yunho, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. Yunho leaned forward to give him a profound kiss atop his head, pressing his lips long and softly…and relishing in the fact that he could still do this to his lover. Sending his thanks to the angels who had taken care of his soul, he pulled Jaejoong up as he stands, so that they were face to face before wrapping his arms around Jaejoong’s petite waist and letting Jaejoong kiss him as he always does.
The kiss was sweeter than any other time they had kissed…probably because this time, they had tasted the bitterness of a fight and separation, albeit a short one.
“I miss you, Jaejoongah…”, Yunho mouthed against Jaejoong’s quivering lips, nipping a light kiss before he pushed for a deeper one, tangling his tongue with Jaejoong’s and stealing Jaejoong’s breath. Jaejoong answered by holding Yunho tighter against him, hands massaging Yunho’s back and nape as they kissed.
“I’m sorry for leaving you alone all this while…for being a bad partner and not noticing how troubled you were. I was too engrossed in my work that I forgot what matters most...you, and us. If I ever behave like that again, don't hesitate to tell me off, okay baby? I don’t want this to happen again…”, Jaejoong said breathlessly to the similarly gasping Yunho, their foreheads touching as they caught much needed oxygen into their lungs.
Yunho nodded, brushing back Jaejoong’s hair as he showered Jaejoong’s face with small, soft kisses, “I’m sorry too…for not telling you how worried I was about everything…I should have told you what’s bothering my mind instead of bottling them all up inside. Instead of supporting you, I let my thoughts wander and doubted you for something you haven't done...I was a poor partner too, baby…and I hoped you’d give me another chance to love you and prove to you I could be a better man.”
Jaejoong sniffed, the tears he was holding finally leaking out in a single streak across his cheek, which was promptly kissed away by Yunho.
“I’ll give you as many chances as you want, Yunhoya…as much as you would give me. I love you…there’s no one else I want by my side always but you. I love you so much, I really do.”
“I love you so much too…I can’t imagine not having you in my life, Jaejoongie…I need you to make me happy and I want nothing else but to make you happy in return. We’ve made a promise to stay together forever…and I believe that promise still holds up even though we’ve screwed up this time.”
Yunho smiled as his own happy tears escaped his eyes, and Jaejoong quickly wiped them off with his hand. They laughed as they looked at each other, both of them more than tearful but happier than they had ever been. Joy is definitely sweeter when you had surpassed pain, and while the experience may have left permanent marks on your souls, those marks also signify how much you had learned and gained from them.
Someone did say that life is a hard teacher - it gives its’ test first and the lesson afterwards. It’s up to us to learn and benefit from it, and as long as our hearts are opened wide enough to allow mistakes to help us grow, no one should be incapable of loving someone as deeply as they naturally could.
-- [THE END]
WARNING: long epilogue is kind of long. +7, 400 words in this part. :]
--
Jaejoong knocked on the door of Changmin’s apartment, the loud rap of his knuckle against the wood incomparable to the nervous hammering of his heart in his chest. He swore he could hear the roar of his blood pumping in his ears, as he waited for the door to open and reveal his wronged lover who had ran away after their fight.
What would he say? Should he just kneel down and grovel while saying sorry? Or should he start by explaining his actions to Yunho and ask for his forgiveness later? The roof of his mouth felt dry, his chest hurting with every second passed as he tried to calm his nerves by silent pep-talk.
Yunho loves me, he’ll forgive me, he’ll take me back-
The doorknob twisted and Jaejoong saw a tall figure emerged from behind the half-opened crack of the door - and it proved to be no one other than Yunho’s younger brother, Changmin.
“Hi, Jaejoong-hyung.”, Changmin greeted calmly, a smirk gracing his lips as he opened the door wider so that Jaejoong could enter. Jaejoong mouthed an almost silent ‘hi’ back, a bit disappointed that it wasn’t Yunho who answered the door but more than relieved as well that it was Changmin. He had rushed from home after breakfast with only Yunho in mind, and after he had arrived in front of the apartment and knocked on the door did he realize he hadn’t thought of what to say. He had thought that the words will come when he sees Yunho, and he already knew he will have to apologize for resorting to physical violence when Yunho clearly didn’t deserve that, no matter how cruel his accusations were.
“Where’s…umm…Yunho?”, Jaejoong asked, his voice shaky and his eyes shifty. Changmin chuckled at the older man’s unusual lack of compose, the Jaejoong he knew had always behaved coolly and in control. Changmin found it adorable and more than happy that his brother had affected Jaejoong as much as Jaejoong had affected his brother, because it can only means one thing then - they love and care for each other more than they would ever realize.
“He went out early this morning, didn’t say where he was going. Want something to drink? I have water, and, uh,” Changmin opened his refrigerator and looked in, before looking up again and muttering viciously, “water. Bastard finished all my beers and apple juice, damn it.”
Jaejoong just looked around the apartment dazedly, before he sat down on the aged couch, rubbing his sweaty palms against the rough of his jeans.
“Water is fine. Too early for alcohol anyway, and I need to, umm, have a clear head when I see Yunho.”, Jaejoong replied, his sentence reduced to near-mumble by the end of it. Changmin handed him a glass of plain water and sat down next to the man, pulling his knees up as he looked at Jaejoong expectantly.
“So…”, he drawled deeply, and had a short sadistic satisfaction of watching Jaejoong shifting in unease, “…you came to apologize? You came after you punched my brother’s face, nearly broke his nose and now you came to apologize?”
Jaejoong glanced at Changmin once, before he gulped almost half of the water in the glass and stuttered, “I, uh, yes, I am here to apologize…because I punched his face and nearly broke his nose and…wait. Wait. I didn’t punch his nose-”
Changmin reached out to pat Jaejoong’s shoulder as he laughed, merry sounds that didn’t quite fit the situation in Jaejoong’s mind. He looked up at the younger man, and realized instantly that Changmin was teasing him. He groaned aloud, plopping back to lean against the couch’s arm and kicking Changmin’s shin half-heartedly.
“How could you…”, Jaejoong whined, digging his toes against Changmin’s calf. Changmin continued to cackle, much acting like a kid he actually was as he shifted away and fell down on the floor with a not-so-soft thud.
“Just want to see how you’d react. But hey, you did punch my brother okay? I should be mad at you for causing my brother bodily harm…”, Changmin said amusedly, no hint of anger in his voice. Jaejoong just sighed, putting an arm over his eyes and shielding his face from the younger man.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know how I could do that…I just-”
Changmin patted Jaejoong’s knee, and looked up at the man keenly as Jaejoong removed his arm away.
“Jaejoong-hyung, I’m not mad at you, not at all. I know Yunho-hyung said some things he shouldn’t have said to you…”
“But still, I shouldn’t have done that.”
“He called for it…”
“Not enough to make him deserve getting punched in the face…I have to admit I lost control of myself. I just hoped the damage I had done wasn’t too terrible…and that he’ll forgive me for being a monster for a few seconds then.”
Changmin nodded, understanding Jaejoong’s predicament well. He had been in that hot spot, pushed to a corner with burning anger when his girlfriend of three months cheated on him with someone else, kissing the guy in plain view of their friends and foes. He had resorted to violence then, smacking the girl hard till her neck almost snapped from the huge amount of disappointment and unfairness he had felt from being lied to and shamed in front of other people. Changmin knew how hard it was for Jaejoong to think rationally when he was pushed into almost similar situation, with Yunho accusing him of something he had not done. It did not mean it was the right thing to do, but it was understandable in any circumstances. They are all just human, after all.
Jaejoong felt tears pulling at his lashes when Changmin looked away, a faraway gaze set in his eyes.
“Yunho-hyung is stupid…you and I both know he had a hand in making you punched him that hard and I’m sure he knew it too…and that you’re beside yourself when you did what you did. He might be hopelessly dense, but he loves you, hyung...he’ll forgive you just like you’ve forgave him. I’ve never seen him happier than when he’s with you. You make him smile and laugh, and you make him feel good about himself. I can tell as much by the way he talked and bragged about you on the phone. So I’m glad you came here to patch things up between you two…because I really think Yunho-hyung deserves someone like you.”
“Changmin…”
Changmin smiled a bittersweet half-smile, still looking sort of dazed, “Since we were kids, hyung always takes care of me. I knew everything about our parents…how Appa would come home drunk or high and beat Omma for more money…but hyung was always so stubborn and insisted to keep me in the dark. I remember one night when the fight got so bad…I heard the television crashed to the floor and Appa swearing as Omma cried…but hyung…hyung kept shielding my ears with his two tiny hands, even though it did nothing to muffle the sound. I heard it all, but I pretended I didn’t because I knew hyung would be more worried if I let him know I knew…about everything. Imagine how bad he would feel if he knew I learned all the cussing words from such a young age.”
The young man chuckled, but Jaejoong had never heard someone chuckled so sadly neither did he ever think it was possible for someone to do that. He pulled Changmin’s head closer so that he’s leaning against his knees, and stroked the younger man’s hair. Jaejoong realized he had come to care about Changmin like a brother, and because they both have so much love for the same person - Yunho.
“So please take care of him, Jaejoong-hyung. I know he can be callous and ridiculously dense at times, but please take time to understand where he’s coming from. Hyung rarely says what’s on his mind because he’s so used to keeping everything inside…he keeps toughing it out until it got too much and he burst with the weight of it all. He’s more a parent to me than my parents ever were, and although I hate it so much when he meddles and treats me like a kid, I’m grateful I have him because no one would love me as much as he does. That’s why I want him to be happy…I want him to have someone who would love him more than I do.”
“Changminah, I do love your hyung…so, so much that sometimes…it gets hard…to not just act but think.”, Jaejoong confessed, sighing as he did so. Changmin looked up, smiling at older man who had stolen his brother’s heart.
“I believe it’s hard for hyung to think too when he’s with you. It’s what tells you you are in love, right? Because that someone occupies your heart and soul and sometimes, it gets too crowded inside of you with thoughts of him alone that you can’t make allowance for anything else. You feel so much from the simplest thing he says or does and you just want to act and react. I think that’s normal when you are in love. When hyung was with his previous partners, I couldn’t see this side of him…he was more in control then, more guarded of his heart and the extent to which they could affect him. He let them in, but didn’t offer them to stay…because I think…he’s waiting for someone like you. Someone who’s mature enough to understand and forgive him when he does something wrong, someone who could teach him how to be selfish and demand things…how to be a human. And someone who will love him as he is but at the same time, encourage him to be the best. Hyung was almost a saint before he knew you…well at least a saint who knew where to get some.”
Changmin laughed finally, letting Jaejoong brushed his hair as he snuggled closer, leeching some warmth and affection from the man who had captured his brother’s heart. He had never doubted Jaejoong’s depth of love towards Yunho since the beginning, because he could tell as much from Yunho’s actions and words how much Jaejoong had helped him heal the wounds he had in himself, acquired from growing up in a loveless home, where caring words were lost under the brunt of hatred and deep-seated fear. Changmin swore he never saw happiness until he saw Yunho and Jaejoong, and knew the other people that come with the growth of their relationship. He was more than sure that Yunho never experienced such joy before too, and he prayed that both Yunho and Jaejoong will never lose the tenderness that they had found in each other. Months trailed along and Changmin found himself deeply attached to Yoochun, Junsu and Jinjoo - almost as if they are all part of a family, with Yunho and Jaejoong as the important two that ties all of them together. He will be damned if he lets something stupid like Yunho’s misplaced jealousy threatened the contented bliss he knows Jaejoong could provide his brother.
“I’m going to set things right again, Min. I’m going to apologize to Yunho for being a lousy partner and for failing to see how distressed he was about everything…I love him, Changminah…he completes me in ways no one else can and for that, I’m never going to let him go. I promise you I will take care of him better after this. Yunho and I have to talk things through, of course…there’s so much misunderstanding between us that needs to be clarified. I believe we can get through this. I refuse to think that our love is so fragile that something as simple as this fight could have torn it apart…”
Jaejoong spoke slowly, but surely, as Changmin’s words left a profound mark in his heart. Yunho and Changmin had both gone through so much in their life, scrapping by with only each other to hold and to get love from. He felt so much for both of them. If there is a way for him to undo the past, he will undo their suffering first and foremost, giving them the love of a family that broke under the carelessness of the parents that brought them to life. He doesn’t have that power, but he has himself. He has Jinjoo, Yoochun and Junsu - and with them he will make sure Yunho and Changmin wouldn’t be lonely again. He believed there was a reason their paths had crossed this way, and he was glad that he was the one to bring Yunho and Changmin their overdue happiness. Especially Yunho, who had shouldered a lot since he was young. Jaejoong felt himself tearing up at the solemn thoughts of young Yunho who struggled to keep his brother and himself save from their parents’ harsh treatments, taking all the pain and sheltering Min from them. He wanted nothing more than to hug Yunho and tell him he wouldn’t feel that way again…that he wouldn’t feel that kind of pain again if he lets Jaejoong make it up on his mistake.
“I’m glad to hear that, hyung…it’s such a pity if everything ends because of something that never happened in the first place. Hyung’s such a fool for thinking you’d leave him for someone else.”
“I guess we’re both to blame for losing grasp of what’s important for both of us…I had my fair share in letting him think that way. I didn’t realize he was feeling insecure…I’m a fool too for that. But I’m going to make up for what we’ve lost…”
Jaejoong sighed deeply, regret coloring his words and expression. Changmin looked up in contemplation, before he stood up and pulled Jaejoong to stand on his feet.
“You know what? You can actually start making up for what’s lost right now…starting from my food. Since your boyfriend ate everything edible from my fridge and managed to clean up my food cabinet in his drunken state, I’d really appreciate it if you can accompany me to the supermarket to stock them back up to their original wholesomeness. I’m a growing boy, and everyone agrees that no one should deny a growing boy his food.”
*
Yunho stepped into the apartment tentatively, after ringing the bell and having no one answered the door for ten whole minutes. His heart was thundering beneath his ribcage, afraid that Jaejoong would be waiting inside with a disappointed expression on his face to tell him that their relationship can’t be salvaged any longer.
‘It’s over’ kept ringing inside his ears like a disease. He wished it’d just go away but the more he wished, the louder it screamed. Yunho breathed deeply, summoning every ounce of strength and bravery as he stepped further into the apartment.
“Jaejoong? Jaejoong are you in?”, he called out softly, as if he was afraid of breaking the stillness that haunted the apartment. His voice slightly echoed back instead of the anticipated answer, and he let out a half-relieved sigh. He wasn’t sure he was fully ready to see Jaejoong right now, knowing well that Jaejoong was likely still pissed at him for being such a retard the night before.
Yunho walked towards the kitchen, his throat parched from the long walk he had taken from the Employment Office to the apartment. The sun was high and mighty up on the sky and considering it was nearly early December, the slight warmth was gratefully welcomed amidst the encroaching cold that seemed to seep down to his bone. Yunho quickly went to the sink to fill up a glass, and immediately his eyes caught a soaked pot of what seemed to be finished stew. He began to imagine Jaejoong preening around the kitchen, cooking his favorite stew as if nothing had happened, and somehow his heart felt like it had been gripped tight and it hurt so much.
The glass slipped through his hand before he knew it, and it fell on the floor in shattering pieces.
His eyes watered and his vision blurred, and Yunho gasped as thoughts of how Jaejoong could have moved on so easily from him made him nearly choked on his own tongue. He gripped the edge of the kitchen island, finding stability before he too fell down on the floor like the glass he had just dropped.
It just hurt…too much, and Yunho couldn’t believe he had been the one who ruined it all for himself. If only he had kept his mouth shut, Jaejoong wouldn’t have been mad and he wouldn’t have to hurt like this. Sniffling back his tears before he started sobbing like he did last night, Yunho gathered all the strength still left in his body to move from the kitchen and walked into the living room.
It wasn’t much better in the dim living room. Yunho felt sadness looming from every corner of the room, his eyes adjusting to the scarce light as he walked towards the curtain and pulled it open to the sides, letting sunshine bathed the seemingly forlorn space. He looked outward the park across the street and saw kids playing football on the small field while their parents sat on the benches, talking and keeping an eye on their children at the same time. At the far end of the park, he spotted a young couple walking hand-in-hand, faces turned toward each other and Yunho can imagine them laughing at private jokes only meant for two. Life was going on sweetly for others while his was crumbling down because he had wrecked it with thoughtless jealousy and mindless accusation.
“Forgive me, baby…”, Yunho mouthed quietly to no one, his eyes blinded by the bleak future where he sees no Jaejoong in it. There is no way he could have moved on from Jaejoong as easily as the man has moved on from him…Jaejoong had captured his heart, mind and soul thoroughly and completely and Yunho didn’t have the power nor the want to take them all back. Jaejoong owned him since the day Yunho saw him the first time in his office, glasses perched atop his nose bridge, his smile as warm as the sun. Jaejoong was the sexiest and most beautiful man he had ever seen in his life, and he was hooked from the first moment their eyes connected. It was like he had been struck by lust at first sight, watching Jaejoong moved and talked as if he was sex poured and made into a human. Yunho was easily captivated by Jaejoong, but his desires had made him clumsy around the man. Spagetti spilled unceremoniously on the floor and smeared on shirts but who knows that was the beginning of their relationship? Yunho smiled thinly at the memory of holding Jaejoong’s shirt tightly as he went to sleep - dreaming of holding Jaejoong instead of the cotton fabric. He had been given that golden chance, but now he had ruined it because he was an idiot who had nothing better to do than to feel insecure about himself.
Yunho sighed deeply, his eyes still looking out to the park as he remembered what Changmin had told him this morning. The younger man had scolded him for being a pessimist, and that his doubting was the reason all this mess started. Maybe Changmin was right, Yunho thought. He hasn’t even had the chance to apologize to Jaejoong after their fight, and Lord knows someone up there could have pitied his stupid soul and granted him his hundredth something chance. He would apologize to Jaejoong, that’s for sure. He didn’t know what the outcome will be, but he was determined to try. If Jaejoong refused to listen, he would beg down on his knees and grovel low on the ground so the man would spare a second to hear what was on his mind. At least few seconds long enough for him to say he was sorry for hurling all those baseless accusation towards Jaejoong, and hopefully after that Jaejoong would be willing to listen to what had caused him to think like that in the first place. Then after that, if luck would have it, Yunho would like to tell Jaejoong how much he still love him and want them to stay together. He will do what he can to save their relationship before it truly goes to tatters. He was ready now to admit his mistake, and to take responsibility for what he had done.
The doorbell rang and startled Yunho out of his thoughts, and immediately he felt his heart racing again to its earlier nervous state. Walking briskly towards the front door, Yunho was surprised to see Yoochun and Jinjoo when he opened it wide, grinning happily like they always do.
“Yunho-hyung!!!”, Jinjoo yelped out as he hauled himself unto Yunho, hugging him tightly around the waist and snuggling deeper. Yoochun laughed at his son’s antics, while Yunho was dumbstruck at their surprised visit.
“H-hi...”, Yunho said nervously, and it made Yoochun chuckled. The man patted his shoulder and said hi back, before inviting himself in. Jinjoo let Yunho go before looking up at him, eyebrows knitted together in a show of confusion and curiosity.
“Hyung, are you alright?”, Jinjoo asked, concerned at Yunho’s lack of reaction. Yunho forced a smile to reassure Jinjoo he’s fine, but then the boy spotted Yunho’s swollen cheek and began asking again, more frantic this time.
“What happened to your cheek? Did you get into a fight? Did Changmin-hyung sock you in the face?”, Jinjoo asked curiously, pulling Yunho down so he could get a good look at Yunho’s face. Yunho winced a bit when Jinjoo’s fingers trailed non-so-gently over his bluish cheek, and he could hear Yoochun laughing softly from somewhere in the living room.
“I’m okay, Jinjooya…just bumped into the wall when I wasn’t looking.”, Yunho answered lamely, hoping Jinjoo would buy into the obvious lie. Jinjoo scrunched his face and tsked, patting Yunho’s head like an adult would to a naughty, careless child.
“Next time please be more careful, Yunho-hyung. The wall will always be there, so you are the one who have to be aware of it. Don’t daydream while walking…okay?”, Jinjoo nagged, giving advice confidently as if he wasn’t the ten year-old boy still running around claiming hugs from everyone.
“Okay, Jinjoo-sshi…I’ll remember that.”, Yunho nodded smilingly, pinching Jinjoo’s cheek lightly as he straightened back up and turned around to face Yoochun, who was leaning against the back of the sofa waiting for them. Yoochun looked at Yunho with an unreadable expression, and Yunho felt his heart take a plunge and he gulped openly.
“Jinjooya, why don’t you take your bags into your room? Appa need to talk to Yunho-hyung a bit…”, Yoochun said, eyes never leaving Yunho’s face. Jinjoo quickly obeyed, dragging his bag pack and overnight duffel to his room on the far end of the corridor.
Yoochun gestured towards the kitchen and Yunho followed, feet heavy as he realized he had also wronged Yoochun in a way. He had dragged Yoochun into the mess because he was jealous, and now Yoochun was here to probably, give him a piece of his mind. As he was mulling over what Yoochun would say, he heard Yoochun gasped and immediately remembered that he hadn’t clean the glass he had broken earlier.
“What happened here??”, Yoochun asked worriedly, pivoting around his feet to look at Yunho, who quickly went around and grabbed a brush to clean the broken pieces.
“I…I was…the glass slipped when I was trying to get something to drink…I meant to clean it up before…before Jaejoong gets back. I didn’t know…I didn’t know you and Jinjoo are coming over…Sorry for that, Yoochun-hyung…”, Yunho apologized, stumbling over words as his hands busily brushed the glasses into the plastic container, before he binned them. He kept apologizing, failing to realize Yoochun was chuckling amusedly at him, and when he finally did, he couldn’t help but looked at Yoochun confusedly.
“Is…is something wrong?”
Yoochun grinned as he sat himself on the kitchen stool, “Yunhoya...since when did you call me hyung, huh? Did Jaejoong punch you that hard to make you forget how things are around here?”
“I…you know?”
Yoochun nodded, his smile still sweetly hovering on his lips, “Su told me about it. Not all the gory details, only the gist of what happened. He came here last night to check on Jae after your brother called our house…Su told me Joongie was such a mess, and he had to cook for him because he haven’t eaten anything since the night you left…”
“The stew…Junsu cooked for Jaejoong?”, Yunho asked stupidly, and felt hugely relieved but entirely foolish at feeling so down at the thought of Jaejoong cooking as if nothing was going on. Yoochun laughed when he realized what had probably caused the broken glass, and Yunho chuckled sheepishly in reply, caught red-handed for being an idiot.
“Aish Yunhoya…”, Yoochun shook his head in disbelief, gesturing Yunho to take a seat on one of the stools, “…you really do think too much, don’t you?”
Yunho nodded guiltily, scratching his not-itchy nape and looking down at the marbled table.
“I guess so…”
Yoochun looked at him warmly, reaching a hand out to pat his arm, “Yunhoya…I’m sorry for butting in like this…but you know you don’t have to worry about Jaejoong and I, right? I don’t love him like that anymore, Yunho…I don’t think of him like you do. I have Junsu for that, and I love my husband too much to have that kind of thoughts about someone else. Jaejoong is my best friend…a brother at best, and of course, one of my son’s fathers. I know we were married once, but what’s past is past. I did love him once, but things were not meant to be that way between us…he wasn’t made for me as I wasn’t made for him. I’m sorry if my actions all this while had been rather misleading, but you have to know this…I’d never do anything to ruin anything between the two of you. I care a lot for Jaejoong and you, and wish with everything in my heart that you two will always be happy together.”
Yunho felt embarrassed to the bone hearing Yoochun assured him like this, but if he was to be honest to himself, Yoochun’s admission did clear up a lot of his doubts. He smiled apologetically at Yoochun, taking the man’s hand in between his palms as he looked up,
“I’m sorry, Yoochun…I was so stupid to doubt you and Jaejoong like that…both of you did nothing wrong, it’s just that I’m an idiot who feel insecure about himself... I said some things I shouldn’t have said…I accused you guys for something neither of you had done…I’m really, really sorry, Yoochun…please forgive me for that. God, I feel so stupid…so, so stupid now…if only I could take back what I’ve said….”
Yoochun smiled back, gripping Yunho’s hand for a second to let him know he was forgiven, “No, you can’t never take the words back…but you can always mend it. I don’t hold a grudge against you, Yunho…we’re friends, aren’t we? Don’t beat yourself too hard over what happened…I’m sure Jaejoong has a share of guilt too. He must have done something to make you blow up like that.”
Yunho looked at Yoochun, a bit taken aback by his remark but the man just continue to speak his mind, seemingly unaware of what he had just said, “I’ve known you for almost eight months now, Yunhoya…I know how you usually are. I might not know you as well as Jaejoong does, but I know you’re not the type who would say things like that, even in anger. You get angry easier, but you also calm down much quicker. Young blood…the world is much brilliant in color and intensity when you are younger, and you feel things more acutely than us old men…”
Yoochun laughed merrily, white teeth showing and eyes crinkling, and Yunho couldn’t help but to laugh with him.
“You admit you’re old…that’s something new.”, Yunho joshed, heart feeling a bit light now after he had apologized to Yoochun. He was grateful Yoochun and Junsu were good people who forgive easily and love much easier, and he understood now why Jaejoong couldn’t let Yoochun go from his life even when their marriage failed. There was no artifice in Yoochun’s conduct, and Yunho realized that Yoochun wasn’t someone he should be wary of. Yoochun cares earnestly for Jaejoong, and that’s something Yunho would always be thankful of because Jaejoong deserves having people love him like that.
“Ah, don’t take advantage of that! I’m not that old…older than you, yes, but not that old. Never that old.”, Yoochun added jokingly, punching Yunho slightly on his shoulder and laughing when Yunho nearly stumbled off his stool.
“You and Jaejoong are such violent creatures!”, Yunho remarked, pouting exaggeratedly to Yoochun’s amusement.
“I learned from him. Heh. Did he tell you he used to fight a lot when he was a kid?”
“He did. Jaejoong had been through a lot, hadn’t he…”, Yunho remarked softly, a memory of Jaejoong telling him of his youth as they cuddled on the sofa after watching a drama resurfacing vividly in his mind. He recalled the ache he had heard in Jaejoong’s voice as he narrated his story, the pain brought by the untimely death of his adopted mother something he had kept in his heart like a splinter he couldn’t take out.
Yunho had cried then, empathizing with Jaejoong upon his lost. Jaejoong didn’t seem like the kind who has led a tough life, but Yunho knew better…Jaejoong simply didn’t allow his past to dictate his future. Jaejoong was a rebel without a cause as a teen, but he refused to make that predicament a decisive factor to who he would be as an adult. Yunho had admired that in him, using Jaejoong’s strong willpower as a token to garner his own. He too, had suffered an unhappy life when he was young…and like Jaejoong, he wanted to start anew without the shadow of his dark past following his every step.
Yoochun nodded in agreement, voice turning a bit solemn as he spoke, though his smile never left his lips as he did, “Jaejoongie’s a fighter. He believes that one determines one’s own fate, and he always makes sure he gets what he has aimed for. He dreams and works hard to fulfill it. He promised himself he would succeed in life, and he did. It’s what makes him the way he is now, focused and resolute…but that focus and resolution were also what cause him to lose control over other things in life. You understand what I mean by this, right? When Jaejoong is working, his mind is solely on his work and he would pay no heed to whatever is happening in his surrounding…and that includes loving someone. I’m not saying that Jaejoong doesn’t love you when he works, it’s just...you’re not his number one concern at that time. He’s a…what was it…ah, a workaholic, yes that’s the word I was searching for!”
Yunho smiled thinly, full understanding blossoming, “I know that, even before we started going out…but somehow, as time passes, I forgot about it. I wanted more of…his attention, and when I didn’t get that, I seethed inside and nurtured hate over something so trivial. I let my insecurity took hostage of my mind…and instead of supporting him and his work, I burdened him with my childish whines and needs. To be fully honest, I was worried about my current situation and I took it out on him.”
“Your current situation…?”, Yoochun asked, forehead rippling in question.
Yunho let out a sigh at this, rubbing the tensed muscles of his neck as he pondered over what had gone wrong, “I haven’t gotten any call for school placement. It’s been over three months now, and all of my friends have gotten their positions in the schools they’ve applied for. I’ve been troubled by this…and since I quit my part-time job two months ago, I felt like I was becoming a burden to Jaejoong. I couldn’t give him any financial support, and it was as if I had become less of a man in the relationship. I don’t want him to feel like I’m leeching off him…”
Yoochun sniggered, letting Yunho know how ridiculous he felt about Yunho’s thoughts, “You shouldn’t feel that way, Yunho. You are both men…not being able to give financial support doesn’t mean you’ve become lesser or a woman. Don’t put stereotype on your roles in your own relationship, even women are becoming breadwinners now to support their households. Who earns how much shouldn’t matter, what matters is both of you support each other in ways that you can. You can’t give money, but you can give him your love and concern, even your understanding. I’m sure you’ve helped him a lot by managing the house while he buried himself in his studies…and that he’s thankful you’re there to pick up where he lacked.”
Yunho smiled, putting that small advice into his mind along with the other things he had learned from this ordeal. He clasped Yoochun’s hand for one last time, utterly indebted.
“Like I said, I was stupid…and I’m not planning to be that stupid again. I’ve understood a lot of things now…Thank you, Yoochunah…for forgiving me and listening to me. I’ll apologize to Jaejoong, and I’ll let him know what he should know…because everything in my heart is his and will always be his.”
*
“Jinjooya! That’s not fair! You cheated!”
“No I didn’t! You’re the one who’s too slow!”
“You tricked me into going into that corner and then you slammed your car against mine…not fair!”
“Haha! That’s called being smart, Yunho-hyung…not cheating!”
“Aish, come here you little brat! I’ll squish you until you admit you cheated!”
“Noooooooo!!”
Jaejoong came home to a ruckus enfolding in the living room, the home theater set blaring the sound of a game, car engines ramping as loud as the familiar mixed of laughter he immediately recognized as Yunho’s and Jinjoo’s.
Both boys didn’t even realize they were being watched by someone as they tumbled over each other on the carpet, Jinjoo seemingly winning as he attacked Yunho who was groaning dramatically underneath him, gasping for breaths as he laughed. The scene brought a smile to Jaejoong’s lips, his heart soaring at seeing his boyfriend and son playing together like nothing had happened.
Jaejoong cleared his throat to make his presence known, and both Yunho and Jinjoo stilled, surprised at his sudden appearance. Jinjoo squealed as he jumped to his feet, running as fast as he can towards his father.
“Daddy! I miss you!”, Jinjoo exclaimed, kissing Jaejoong’s cheek when the man knelt so he could hug his son.
“I miss you too, baby. You’re having a good time with Yunho-hyung, aren't you?”, Jaejoong asked gently, kissing Jinjoo’s forehead as he did. He chanced a look at Yunho, who by then had stood up rather nervously. Jaejoong gave him a tender smile, and felt touched at how Yunho seemed to relax visibly at the simple gesture. Their eyes connected and thousands of unspoken feelings flowed between them, and Jaejoong knew then…everything’s going to be alright again.
“Yeah, we played the new games Appa bought for me yesterday! I won five times in a row…and Yunho-hyung accused me of cheating! Haha!”, Jinjoo proclaimed happily, oblivious to the exchange of stares between the two adults. Jaejoong nodded at his son’s ramble, but his gaze was fixed on Yunho…God knows how much he wanted to run to his lover and asks if he’s alright and then kiss him and says he’s sorry and tell him I love you so much, Yunhoya…so, so much…you know that, don’t you Yunhoya?
“…Daddy?”, Jinjoo asked, face scrunched up at what he just heard. Jaejoong blinked and looked at his son, lifting his eyebrows questioningly.
“Yes, Jinjoo?”
“Why are you mumbling Yunho-hyung’s name?”
Jaejoong’s eyes rounded at the realization that he had just spoken his thoughts out loud, and Yunho giggled from where he was. Feeling his cheeks warming up a blush, Jaejoong quickly stood up, brushing Jinjoo’s question away by ruffling the boy’s hair. Jinjoo yelped, complaining noisily that Jaejoong had just ruined his hair which was styled by his Appa earlier today.
“Have you guys had dinner?”, Jaejoong asked, steering away from the embarrassing situation. Jinjoo nodded eagerly, pointing to the pizza boxes on the coffee table. Yunho gave Jaejoong a shaky smile, scratching his head as he explained,
“There’s not enough ingredients in the fridge to cook something, so I ordered pizza. Don’t worry, it’s from Misarang…Uncle even came to deliver them himself.”
Jaejoong chuckled, coming nearer to peek into the pizza boxes. There were a few slices left uneaten, and he picked one up and quickly chewed on it, clearly hungry. As Jaejoong ate, Yunho came nearer too and bravely wiped some bits of sauce off the corner of Jaejoong’s lips. Sparks traveled where their skins touched, and their hearts raced in thunderous speed. Jaejoong gulped down the bite of pizza he had chewed, eyes never leaving Yunho’s. Lifting his hand to touch Yunho’s face, he thumbed the swollen skin where his knuckle had collided with Yunho’s cheek, worry and guilt unmistakably evident in his eyes.
“Are you alright, Yunho? Does it still hurt?”, Jaejoong questioned gently, his face souring with remorse over what he had done. Yunho shook his head, just a little white lie so as not to make Jaejoong worry. He smiled as wide as he can, turning slightly so he could kiss Jaejoong’s palm.
“I’m alright…it feels numb now. Don’t worry, okay?”
“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…”
“I deserved this for saying what I've said to you. Please don't feel guilty, Joongieya…I'm really okay now.”
Jinjoo looked between his father and Yunho, and instantly noticed the weird way they were talking to each other. Recognizing this as one of those times when adults want to be left alone, he faked a yawn loud enough so both Yunho and Jaejoong could hear. Both men sprang apart, looking at Jinjoo concernedly.
“Jinjoo, you’re already sleepy? So early…”, Jaejoong commented, and Jinjoo yawned again, eyes drooping deliberately.
“I’m tired, Daddy…I’ve been playing games with hyung for hours…and last night Appa and Papa kept me awake because they were making so much noise in their bedroom.”
“Noise? In bedroom?!”, both Yunho and Jaejoong nearly shouted, faces reddening at the possibility of what could have happened then.
“Yeah…they were moving furniture around…I heard them fighting over where to put the sofa…they were whispering but they whispered so loud, especially Papa…it was like he’s speaking right into my ears.”, Jinjoo shuddered, as Yunho and Jaejoong began laughing their stomachs off. They have walked straight into that, for sure.
Jaejoong ushered Jinjoo towards his room after their laughter subsided, leaving Yunho at the living room to clean up the mess they have made. Feeling rather refreshed from the laugh, Jaejoong waited smilingly as Jinjoo washed his face, brushed his teeth and changed into his pajama. Tucking the boy in his bed, Jaejoong kissed Jinjoo’s forehead once and was ready to walk out of the room when Jinjoo took hold of his hand, stopping him from leaving.
“Daddy…”
“Yes, baby?”, Jaejoong sat back on the edge of the bed, concern overtaking his feature immediately.
“Did you and Yunho-hyung fight before this?”
“How did you know…?”
“I heard Yunho-hyung and Appa talking when Appa sent me here this afternoon…they were talking in the kitchen but I overheard…I swear I didn’t mean to, but they weren’t exactly whispering and I have really good ears.”
Jaejoong smiled, brushing Jinjoo’s bangs back, “What did you hear, Jinjooya?”
“Not everything…but I heard Yunho-hyung said he’s sorry for being so stupid and he wants to apologize to you…Daddy, please forgive him, okay? I really like Yunho-hyung…and I know you like him very much too. You smile and laugh more when he’s with you, and when you’re happy, I’m happy too. Please don’t be so mad at him…he is really nice and fun…promise me you will forgive him…please, Daddy?”, Jinjoo looked up at his father, eyes wide and hopeful. Jaejoong felt tears pooling behind his eyelids at Jinjoo’s earnest request, and he knew that he had made the right choice when he decided to let Yunho in his life. Yunho not only changed him, but also brought happiness to Jinjoo.
“I promise.”, Jaejoong pledged, leaning down to kiss Jinjoo’s cheek again. Jinjoo snuggled deeper into his blanket, happy as he had secured the necessary promise from his father.
“Good night, Daddy.”
“Good night, Jinjooya. Sweet dreams.”
*
Yunho was waiting on the bed when Jaejoong entered the bedroom. Looking up at his lover, Yunho watched as Jaejoong closed and locked the door, standing against the door and looking at him from a distance. There were so many things need to be said between them, but words seemed to fail both of them at the moment, as realizations of what had happened in the past few months finally settled in both their minds.
“I’m sorry…”, both of them said it at the same time, and the breaths they didn’t realize they had been holding were let out in a relieved sigh. Jaejoong smiled warmly as Yunho grinned, and he stepped closer to the younger man before he knelt in front of him, hands reaching for Yunho’s own.
“I guess we’re both forgiven now, right?”, Jaejoong looked up at Yunho, eyes shimmering with unshed tears. Yunho leaned forward to give him a profound kiss atop his head, pressing his lips long and softly…and relishing in the fact that he could still do this to his lover. Sending his thanks to the angels who had taken care of his soul, he pulled Jaejoong up as he stands, so that they were face to face before wrapping his arms around Jaejoong’s petite waist and letting Jaejoong kiss him as he always does.
The kiss was sweeter than any other time they had kissed…probably because this time, they had tasted the bitterness of a fight and separation, albeit a short one.
“I miss you, Jaejoongah…”, Yunho mouthed against Jaejoong’s quivering lips, nipping a light kiss before he pushed for a deeper one, tangling his tongue with Jaejoong’s and stealing Jaejoong’s breath. Jaejoong answered by holding Yunho tighter against him, hands massaging Yunho’s back and nape as they kissed.
“I’m sorry for leaving you alone all this while…for being a bad partner and not noticing how troubled you were. I was too engrossed in my work that I forgot what matters most...you, and us. If I ever behave like that again, don't hesitate to tell me off, okay baby? I don’t want this to happen again…”, Jaejoong said breathlessly to the similarly gasping Yunho, their foreheads touching as they caught much needed oxygen into their lungs.
Yunho nodded, brushing back Jaejoong’s hair as he showered Jaejoong’s face with small, soft kisses, “I’m sorry too…for not telling you how worried I was about everything…I should have told you what’s bothering my mind instead of bottling them all up inside. Instead of supporting you, I let my thoughts wander and doubted you for something you haven't done...I was a poor partner too, baby…and I hoped you’d give me another chance to love you and prove to you I could be a better man.”
Jaejoong sniffed, the tears he was holding finally leaking out in a single streak across his cheek, which was promptly kissed away by Yunho.
“I’ll give you as many chances as you want, Yunhoya…as much as you would give me. I love you…there’s no one else I want by my side always but you. I love you so much, I really do.”
“I love you so much too…I can’t imagine not having you in my life, Jaejoongie…I need you to make me happy and I want nothing else but to make you happy in return. We’ve made a promise to stay together forever…and I believe that promise still holds up even though we’ve screwed up this time.”
Yunho smiled as his own happy tears escaped his eyes, and Jaejoong quickly wiped them off with his hand. They laughed as they looked at each other, both of them more than tearful but happier than they had ever been. Joy is definitely sweeter when you had surpassed pain, and while the experience may have left permanent marks on your souls, those marks also signify how much you had learned and gained from them.
Someone did say that life is a hard teacher - it gives its’ test first and the lesson afterwards. It’s up to us to learn and benefit from it, and as long as our hearts are opened wide enough to allow mistakes to help us grow, no one should be incapable of loving someone as deeply as they naturally could.
-- [THE END]