what could have been
what could have been
yunho ♥ jaejoong
oneshot | RL | angst
+1,200 words
a/n: wrote this in a flurry of fingers on keyboard, and didn’t have time to check it for mistake. Concrit? Most welcomed. beta-ed by scarletpeonies. thank you so much, bb. *u*
--
♥ Being hurt again by the love you have given me,
The grevious pain, a wanderer who wears an achromatic color,
The loser in the tears that could not be embraced,
Let's not ever experience a love like this ♥
If I could command time to my liking, I would have turned it around so that it would lead me to when I first saw you. You, the beautiful you, who charmed me with a smile so sweet it took my breath away in a second. You, coarse and unpolished, without false pretense that had stained my skin a deep color of shame. You, who made light of what I had hidden in the dark for so long - of what I had still hidden because this is what my life had become.
I am a fugitive in all the right sense of the word. No cops are chasing me, no criminals want me dead, but still, I run. Because regret is a vengeful enemy that would never let you out of her wrath if you had a business of touching her once.
It was ridiculous how I acted, how I shied away from the thing that defined myself, how I ran away from you. It hurts now to admit it, when you are no longer here breathing in the same space as mine and stealing more than just oxygen. My heart, you had it wrapped around with your pretty fingers - you still do - and oftentimes I found myself wondering if I could ever take it back from you just when you were not looking, when you were busy being wonderful and nothing short of the amazing man you always are.
I have always loved you. I loved you. I love you. Between now and the past, there is only one thing I remember most and that is I truly love you. If only I was brave enough to embrace you and cherish you as I should. But yes, I love you. Still. Very much so. I do.
I missed the way your hair fell across your cheek when you slept, the way you snored and let out soft whimpers that shot straight to my groin. I missed the way you bit your lips as you blushed at flirting words I had said in abandon, and how you would tease me mercilessly when I did the same. Did you realize how much you scared me back then - because how true you are against my fallacy? I saw how honestly you lived your life, bravely going through the waves of uncertainties without as much as a flinch and I…I envied you. There is so much in you that I wish I had in me - those strength, courage, honesty, trust, loyalty, and of course (how could I forget it?) love. You had so much love in you, do you know that? I was among the millions that long for it, but I was also the only fool in this world who gave it away when I almost had it in my hands.
Maybe you did not realize it but every single day for as long as our lives had intertwined, your love had burned my skin, brought thirst to my tongue and created havoc in my veins. You touched me with your smile, you held me with your eyes, you kissed me with words whispered so, so gently into my ears when I had no one to turn to and found you in my loneliness. You said to me, ‘Hey, I’m here. Shh, it’s going to be alright. Let me take care of you.’ and I let you in for a second before I ran, terrified of what I thought you had reduced me to.
You never made me less, I realize that now. I was the one who had made me less than who I am. I had you back then, so near and within grasp, and oh it burns now to know I have let the chance go for a stupid fucking pride.
We could have been - I don’t know what we could have been, baby - but I’m sorry. I really am. That day when you asked me if I would stay, if I would take you and be grateful with only you, I regret it so much that I have walked away for something more. For friends that never even knew who I was inside, for fame, and for acceptance from strangers who never cared and never really mattered. But can I blame them? I lied to myself as much as I had lied to them, I had a hand in shaping their thoughts of me out of lies I had concocted from the twisted truths.
People don't know how incessantly I would worry over the smallest of things, but you do. You always have. When our gazes met and you sighed, I knew you knew what went on in my head - mechanical, practical and often nonsensical stuffs I pondered on with painful scrutiny because I can't let go of them. My friends became the ocean I need to conquer with my tattered sail, and on the horizon, I saw you - the lighthouse that called me home - blinking a sad farewell of a love that grew but never nourished. I imagined you saying, 'Turn around, Yunho. Look at me. Come back.', as I looked further away from you towards the murky water where I thought laid my greatest treasure. I had been so confident then, so damn sure that I can finally find the peace I desperately needed. I had thought you were a nightmare I have to live with because no one will understand what it feels to want you - need you, love you - but not knowing what to do.
I had locked away my own soul into a tight-lidded box shoved into the innermost of my core, never to be acknowledged or spoken again. The touch of your lips on my skin was a sin I had thought would brand me as long as I live, and I was ashamed. I was ashamed of you, of who I was when I was with you. I was ashamed of us. So painful to admit but I know deep inside there is really no one else to blame but myself. I never knew I would have lost you for real then. I never knew.
Tears. I tasted it on my lips, salty and bitter tears of yesterdays that were lost forever. The future seems bleak to me, because how could it brighten when my sun - you - had gone? My chest hurts because my heart is no longer in it, you took it with you with the hasty goodbye you pressed against my lips and the shutting of the door.
I could still hear your footsteps as you marched forward towards a future where I would no longer be in every night in my blasted dreams. I could have stopped you by screaming your name, but even then, even when I knew my life was cartwheeling out of lane into an obvious destruction, I was a coward.
I wanted to say, stay, stay, give me more time to figure shit out - but I couldn’t do it. God, I couldn’t.
Please be well, Jaejoong-ah. Love someone more worthy, love someone who is braver than me, someone who will love you not only for who you are, but also for who he is when he is with you.
As for me, I will live with the thoughts of what could have been. I don’t really give much care, since I’m as good as dead anyway.
--
yunho ♥ jaejoong
oneshot | RL | angst
+1,200 words
a/n: wrote this in a flurry of fingers on keyboard, and didn’t have time to check it for mistake. Concrit? Most welcomed. beta-ed by scarletpeonies. thank you so much, bb. *u*
--
♥ Being hurt again by the love you have given me,
The grevious pain, a wanderer who wears an achromatic color,
The loser in the tears that could not be embraced,
Let's not ever experience a love like this ♥
If I could command time to my liking, I would have turned it around so that it would lead me to when I first saw you. You, the beautiful you, who charmed me with a smile so sweet it took my breath away in a second. You, coarse and unpolished, without false pretense that had stained my skin a deep color of shame. You, who made light of what I had hidden in the dark for so long - of what I had still hidden because this is what my life had become.
I am a fugitive in all the right sense of the word. No cops are chasing me, no criminals want me dead, but still, I run. Because regret is a vengeful enemy that would never let you out of her wrath if you had a business of touching her once.
It was ridiculous how I acted, how I shied away from the thing that defined myself, how I ran away from you. It hurts now to admit it, when you are no longer here breathing in the same space as mine and stealing more than just oxygen. My heart, you had it wrapped around with your pretty fingers - you still do - and oftentimes I found myself wondering if I could ever take it back from you just when you were not looking, when you were busy being wonderful and nothing short of the amazing man you always are.
I have always loved you. I loved you. I love you. Between now and the past, there is only one thing I remember most and that is I truly love you. If only I was brave enough to embrace you and cherish you as I should. But yes, I love you. Still. Very much so. I do.
I missed the way your hair fell across your cheek when you slept, the way you snored and let out soft whimpers that shot straight to my groin. I missed the way you bit your lips as you blushed at flirting words I had said in abandon, and how you would tease me mercilessly when I did the same. Did you realize how much you scared me back then - because how true you are against my fallacy? I saw how honestly you lived your life, bravely going through the waves of uncertainties without as much as a flinch and I…I envied you. There is so much in you that I wish I had in me - those strength, courage, honesty, trust, loyalty, and of course (how could I forget it?) love. You had so much love in you, do you know that? I was among the millions that long for it, but I was also the only fool in this world who gave it away when I almost had it in my hands.
Maybe you did not realize it but every single day for as long as our lives had intertwined, your love had burned my skin, brought thirst to my tongue and created havoc in my veins. You touched me with your smile, you held me with your eyes, you kissed me with words whispered so, so gently into my ears when I had no one to turn to and found you in my loneliness. You said to me, ‘Hey, I’m here. Shh, it’s going to be alright. Let me take care of you.’ and I let you in for a second before I ran, terrified of what I thought you had reduced me to.
You never made me less, I realize that now. I was the one who had made me less than who I am. I had you back then, so near and within grasp, and oh it burns now to know I have let the chance go for a stupid fucking pride.
We could have been - I don’t know what we could have been, baby - but I’m sorry. I really am. That day when you asked me if I would stay, if I would take you and be grateful with only you, I regret it so much that I have walked away for something more. For friends that never even knew who I was inside, for fame, and for acceptance from strangers who never cared and never really mattered. But can I blame them? I lied to myself as much as I had lied to them, I had a hand in shaping their thoughts of me out of lies I had concocted from the twisted truths.
People don't know how incessantly I would worry over the smallest of things, but you do. You always have. When our gazes met and you sighed, I knew you knew what went on in my head - mechanical, practical and often nonsensical stuffs I pondered on with painful scrutiny because I can't let go of them. My friends became the ocean I need to conquer with my tattered sail, and on the horizon, I saw you - the lighthouse that called me home - blinking a sad farewell of a love that grew but never nourished. I imagined you saying, 'Turn around, Yunho. Look at me. Come back.', as I looked further away from you towards the murky water where I thought laid my greatest treasure. I had been so confident then, so damn sure that I can finally find the peace I desperately needed. I had thought you were a nightmare I have to live with because no one will understand what it feels to want you - need you, love you - but not knowing what to do.
I had locked away my own soul into a tight-lidded box shoved into the innermost of my core, never to be acknowledged or spoken again. The touch of your lips on my skin was a sin I had thought would brand me as long as I live, and I was ashamed. I was ashamed of you, of who I was when I was with you. I was ashamed of us. So painful to admit but I know deep inside there is really no one else to blame but myself. I never knew I would have lost you for real then. I never knew.
Tears. I tasted it on my lips, salty and bitter tears of yesterdays that were lost forever. The future seems bleak to me, because how could it brighten when my sun - you - had gone? My chest hurts because my heart is no longer in it, you took it with you with the hasty goodbye you pressed against my lips and the shutting of the door.
I could still hear your footsteps as you marched forward towards a future where I would no longer be in every night in my blasted dreams. I could have stopped you by screaming your name, but even then, even when I knew my life was cartwheeling out of lane into an obvious destruction, I was a coward.
I wanted to say, stay, stay, give me more time to figure shit out - but I couldn’t do it. God, I couldn’t.
Please be well, Jaejoong-ah. Love someone more worthy, love someone who is braver than me, someone who will love you not only for who you are, but also for who he is when he is with you.
As for me, I will live with the thoughts of what could have been. I don’t really give much care, since I’m as good as dead anyway.
--