steps to love
steps to love
yunho ♥ jaejoong | bff!ot5
oneshot | RL | pg-13
angst | drama | romance
a/n: edited version of a fic i wrote months back for a Vietnam-Cassies BDSGLove’s YunJae project. hope you guys like this :)
--
Steps to Love
There's something we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all this while
- The Fray, Never Say Never
*
Changmin realizes that love doesn't have to be all shiny and sparkly for him to notice it being there. It is more of a gradual change, a shift of behaviour that is easy to be missed if you are not paying attention enough. It is also a dangerous dance of flirtation between two people who are wary of the destructive power of their desires while living a tightly-scheduled life that permits little to no freedom at all. It is both beautiful and ugly, with its sweet moments concocted by two hearts that give without restrain, and the uncalled-for fights that tumbled because they want more but can risk none. It is easy - they fall in each other’s arms like humans seek oxygen - but at the same time difficult because they should have fallen in someone else’s.
Changmin knows and understands, even when he is the youngest and he is supposed to have the least experience love-wise. He understands it better than the other four, because he is aware that love can make anything possible - just by the acceptance of one’s feeling.
Unfortunately none of his brothers feel the same way.
*
There are few people in this world that Changmin loves more than he loves himself. His parents, his sisters and his four brothers sworn in the name of the Gods from the East are among the few. And between the five of them, Changmin feels closest to Junsu, not just because he likes to tease the older man but because he admires the strength of Junsu’s loyalty.
Junsu is difficult to understand, Changmin thinks, despite the fact that he is the simplest of them all. Because of his innocence and fervent beliefs in the faith he holds onto since young, it is all the harder to make him see that there are many facets of the world and one needs to see not only with the eyes but also with the heart. There is no artifice in the fiber of Junsu’s being, he is really as pure as a child. He is always well-intentioned although not always well-mannered, and he trusts as freely as he laughs. This is one of his good quality, but it is also what makes it sadder to see him cry and break down over the thing that happened.
Changmin knows well he should not have called what happened between Yunho and Jaejoong as a ‘thing’ - but to be honest, he doesn’t really know what it should be called. Love seems too grand to describe the falling of his two brothers, both in denial of their attractions towards each other. He is mad at Yunho and Jaejoong for being fools and for dragging them into their mess, but he also knows that there are no other people aside from the three of them who could contain this craziness.
“Hyung…”, Changmin speaks softly, rubbing Junsu’s back as the man heaves sob after sob. It is more than heartbreaking to see him like this, since Junsu is a proud man who hates looking like a weakling.
“Did you…see this…happening?”, Junsu asks, hiccups flowering his sentence. Changmin looks down to the floor in short contemplation, before nodding slightly. He has to be honest, it’s the only way to go about dealing with this madness. There are too many lies that Yunho and Jaejoong have scattered among them, and although he knows it’s not his responsibility to pick up their broken pieces, Changmin does it anyway.
“I don’t mean that I know…what they’re doing, but I do notice the attraction. It’s too obvious, hyung…and for someone who’s stuck in between the two most of the time, it’s hard pretending not to feel the bites of the spark.”, Changmin explains, toeing the carpet in trepidation. He doesn’t want the group to break apart because of this - whoever breaks apart because of love when it is supposed to bring people together?
“It’s…wrong, Min. They shouldn’t feel that way about each other, it’s wrong…”, Junsu mumbles his reply, but the words seem like they are being forced out of his mouth. Even when he’s saying the known fact out loud, his face tells how he doubts what he had said.
He needs just a little bit more time, Changmin muses.
“I can’t agree or disagree with you, hyung. For me, love materializes in many form…there are love for your family, love for nature, love for your pet, love for friends, love for things, and love that is exclusively for lovers - whether they are men or women. I think that love is not something we choose for ourselves, hyung, but instead it chooses us…that’s why when we meet the one we love, it feels like destiny…because our fates have linked us even before we know it ourselves.”, Changmin says wistfully, drawing Junsu closer with a one-arm hug. Junsu complies in silence, body molding to the youngest’s side in his trust of their friendship.
“…Some people think it’s wrong for men to hug, but we hug all the time, don’t we hyung? Our friendship is secure enough for us to feel the need for physical closeness. But for Jaejoong-hyung and Yunho-hyung, it’s not enough to just feel close physically…they are more than bounded in the hearts and in the minds. Isn’t it better that our hyung-deul are in love when they do what they do? I want to believe that whatever they did, it was not just because they can’t keep it in their pants…”, he tries to joke, but Junsu makes a disgruntled sound at the thoughts of his bandmates engaging in something of sexual nature. It is bad enough that he just had to walk in while they were groping each other like oversexed teens, traumatizing him out of speech and sending him in tears to the solitary of his room. He kept himself locked since afternoon, and only letting Changmin in after endless begging from the younger man.
“So are they…in love?”, Junsu asks fearfully, tilting his head up to look at Changmin’s face. Junsu has always believes in Changmin’s wisdom, which surpasses all the four of them combined. Changmin bites his lower lips, one eye squinting as he ponders on the thought.
“They have to be, though they act like they aren’t. Do you see how Jaejoong-hyung looks at Yunho-hyung? I bet we could have seen flowers and flying hearts if we choose to look really, really closely…there’s just so much adoration in his eyes when he saw whatever Yunho-hyung did. And Yunho-hyung is ever so protective around Jaejoong-hyung, even when we know no one would dare mess with Jaejoong-hyung and his powerful muscles. He probably thinks I’m not aware of him trying to cop a feel of Jaejoong-hyung when we’re doing interviews and such…aish, those hopeless fools. Sometimes I think they shouldn’t be allowed to love, but whenever I see them smile at each other, my guts keep telling me that such sweetness is something that I will never regret seeing in my entire life.”
Junsu seems to mull over Changmin’s words, fingers tracing the rough lining of his jeans. It is true what Changmin had said, if he was to look closely, he could see the genuine tenderness that surrounds the two eldest members. All this while, not once had Junsu remembered being tossed to the side because of their attraction….and he realizes that he’s hurt not because he couldn’t accept their attraction, but because they did not trust him enough to let him know they had fallen deeply in love with each other.
“They shouldn’t have keep this a secret from the group.”, Junsu says adamantly, lips tight. Changmin sighs, knowing well that the ice around Junsu’s heart has thawed a bit to let the warmth of YunJae love in.
“I think they’re afraid that we…would react like you did. They don’t want to gross us out.”
Junsu looks down at this, almost guilty, “I don’t think they’re…gross.”
“But your reaction told a different story, hyung.”
“How was I supposed to react when I just walk in on my two best friends making love in the bathroom???”
“Like how you expect them to react when they caught you watching porn with your hands inside your pants. Walk away, then confront them later. Not run away crying and locking yourself in the room all through the day and skipping dinner.”, Changmin chides, grinning slightly at the reddish blush that is creaming Junsu’s neck and face.
“It’s not easy, Min, to accept. My church taught me men are only to consummate with women, and I’m used to that notion. But to be fully honest, there are times when I’ve set aside my beliefs because I think there’s nothing wrong with my way of life. So I think I can…accept them being together because I love both of our hyung, but the least they could do is ask me for my consent.”
Changmin shrugs, moving to stand, “I don’t think they need your consent, hyung. Even when you don’t allow them to love, they will continue to do so. It’s like you have two stubborn kids that have set their hearts, minds and souls on a game. In their case, the game only levels out after forever.”
*
Amidst the mess of their upturned balance, Changmin has always known he could count on Yoochun. Yoochun is a person full of worldly ideals, never restricting himself to one belief and choosing instead to fall on what his instinct tells him to do. Yoochun is a traveler whose destination changes with every step of his feet, flexible enough to cope with revolutionary ideas and because of this Changmin thinks Yoochun would be the one he will have the least to worry about when it comes to unconventional love and relationship.
But oh, how wrong he was. He forgets, Yoochun doesn’t believe in a thing called true love.
“Hyung, what do you think about Jaejoong-hyung and Yunho-hyung?”
“Hmm?”, Yoochun lifts a brow up, surprised at Changmin’s sudden question. He’s sipping his coffee while watching the latest episode of One Piece, munching chocolate chip cookies in between sips, “What about them?”
“You know what happened this afternoon, right?”
“Ah…Junsu. He’ll get over it. Don’t pamper him too much, he’s not the baby anymore. In fact, he’s never been the baby in the group, you are.”, Yoochun points an accusing finger in Changmin’s direction, expression amused.
“I’m not worried about Junsu-hyung…I know he’s going to be okay soon. I’m worried about you.”, Changmin states matter-of-factly, staring at Yoochun straight in the eyes. Yoochun’s eyes widen in surprise, before he moves to pause the anime so he wouldn’t miss any of it. He then turns to face the youngest, who seems to have a lot in his mind for a serious discussion.
“Why are you worried about me? I’m okay with it…they’re just having fun, that’s all.”
Changmin sighs, dropping his head on the cushion of his chair, “Is that what you think they were doing…just having fun?”
“What else should it be?”
“Love?”
Yoochun snorts, twirling around in his seat as he reaches for another cookie to munch.
“I think you’ve romanticized what those two have, dongsaeng. I don’t blame you, it’s easy to think they are in love when in fact, they are just desperate for some tender loving care. It’s easy to turn to each other given our closeted lifestyle. Hey, whatever rocks their boat…”
Changmin’s heart constricts at the nonchalant in Yoochun’s voice, but he garners some courage to plow on, “I’m lonely too, but you don’t see me turning to any of you for some release.”
“Because you have your porn and that keeps you busy enough.”
Changmin pouts in reflex at Yoochun’s teasing reply, unsatisfied at being the target of the conversation.
“Hmm…Let say they are more than just horny men wanting to satisfy their lust…let say they are actually in love with each other…what would you think of them then?”
Yoochun quiets down, and Changmin sees as the older man swallows the cookie like he just ate something bitter.
“Relationship is hard, Min…it can ends.”
“Friendship too.”
“But friendship is more stable. There is no room for selfishness in friendship, but in relationship…there’s so many things that they would want that the other can’t fulfill. For instance, things like family obligation, marriage, kids…and success as Tong Vfang Xien Qi. Those things are important for both Yunho-hyung and Jaejoong-hyung…and to be honest, I don’t think they would ever be willing to give all that up for one another.”
“I don’t know about family, marriage and kids, but Tong Vfang Xien Qi…they don’t have to give that up if we’re here for them.”
“It’s not just us, Min…we ceased to become ours when we signed our life on that contract. We’re bounded by pen and paper, and being in relationship with each other will get them in lots of troubles.”
Changmin sighs dejectedly, “Have you ever talked to Jaejoong-hyung about this? I know you are his closest friend…maybe that’s why you’re so confident that this is not love?”
Yoochun looks at Changmin, smiling slightly, “I’m not saying it’s not love, I’m just saying that it is highly unlikely to be the sole reason for it all. Contrary to what you think, Min, Jaejoong-hyung doesn’t tell me everything. I know he…swings both ways, but I just think of it as one of his quirks. He’s just weird like that, but he’s my friend and I value him and our friendship. That’s more than enough to remind me to be accepting to all that comes with him…and for me to wish him nothing as unfortunate as love that is easily breakable.”
Changmin realizes then, that Yoochun is just being contradictory to hide the fear he has for the two eldest. He said he doesn’t believe in love, but he wrote love songs all the time. He despises marriage and its ideals, but he longs to walk his daughter to school and sings her lullaby every night. He says Jaejoong couldn’t sacrifice his needs for Yunho, but in actuality, he believes that Jaejoong could actually do that.
“Maybe you should have wish for him to have the strength to fight for his happiness instead of pretending to want nothing. That’s also what good friends do, giving each other courage when you have none.”, Changmin quips, before standing up and walking out of the music room, leaving Yoochun to his thoughts.
*
The hardest part of it all, Changmin thinks, is to make the two people who are at the core of the problem to realize what they have failed to see all this while. Fighting the attraction they have proves to be a poison that slowly worsens their anxiety over loving each other. Changmin knows this, because every time he sees Yunho running away from looking at Jaejoong, he could sense how Yunho’s steps falter, how even in the darkness he could see no one but Jaejoong. The same could be said about Jaejoong, whose face fall in disappointment every time he can’t see Yunho.
Sometimes he wishes he’s not a romantic at heart, because he keeps suffering for their love as if it is his own. If only he could make them see that they are made for each other…and that there is nothing wrong with struggling to protect what you want and love, even if it means sacrificing everything else that never matters as much in the first place.
Yunho notices how Changmin is staring vacantly at the sky outside, leaning against the balcony as he sighs to himself. Walking quietly to the youngest side, Yunho touches Changmin’s shoulder, letting him know his presence.
“Hey, what are you doing up so late?”
“Just thinking.”
“Should I ask what about?”
“You should know…because it’s about you and Jaejoong-hyung.”
Changmin’s answer makes Yunho gasp, as the older man turns around to leave. Changmin quickly catches Yunho’s arm, stopping the man from running away from him, and from running away from the reality.
“I know you love Jaejoong-hyung.”
Silence meets his confession, but he sees how Yunho seems to contemplate this and could almost hear the wheels of his thought whirring in his mind.
“He doesn’t love me.”, ah, no denial on Yunho’s part. It makes it easier for Changmin, because at least now he doesn’t have to gauge what goes on in Yunho’s heart.
“Did he tell you that?”
Yunho takes a deep breath, turning slowly to face his youngest bandmate.
“He never tells me anything.”, Yunho admits, his face falling into one of sadness. It seems that many things had occurred between the two that Changmin has failed to take note about. This running away from truth is surely taking a toll on the two men.
“About what happened today-“
“-Min-“
“-that’s not the first time, was it hyung?”, Changmin asks bravely, even though he already knows the answer. He wants Yunho to acknowledge the reality himself, and not pretend like it’s just another skeleton in the closet that could be ignored.
“How did-“
“Answer me, hyung.”
“No, it’s not.”
Changmin nods, satisfied that Yunho is taking the first step of being honest to what he feels.
“So you’re really gay?”
Yunho looks up at this, blushing in shock at the blatant question, “Min!”
“There’s nothing wrong with being gay and loving another man, hyung. We can fall in love with anyone, regardless of their gender. Why makes love a dirty thing? Unless you feel that touching Jaejoong makes you feel dirty…”
“No!”
“No?”
Yunho looks down at his feet, and suddenly Changmin hears the tears in his voice, timid and unsure, “I never feel that way when I touch Jaejoong…he’s not dirty, and he doesn’t make me feel dirty. Every time I feel like my world is moving at a speed too fast for me to comprehend, he’s there to guide me, to support me and to tell me that I can catch up at my own pace. Sometimes he makes me feel so angry I swear I could have killed someone, but he also makes me calmer than anyone could ever do. He dreams for me, and hopes for me. At times I wish I could just hate him so that all this craziness would ebb away, but that thought makes me want him and love him more. It’s scary how much I would sacrifice just to keep Jaejoong by my side…even if that means not ever telling him I love him. I can’t stand the thought of him rejecting me, Min…I’m man enough to admit I’m scared of losing him.”
Changmin blinks back the tears pricking behind his lids, moving to clasp Yunho’s hand tightly between his palms, “Have you ever think that Jaejoong-hyung feels the same way? Maybe he’s also scared that loving you would mean harming you…I’m sure he realizes how much is at stake if you guys are to be serious about this. I know I’m being a nosy third-party in this, hyung, but I can’t bear looking at my two beloved hyung denying what makes them happy and whole. I see your love for Jaejoong, and I see the love he has for you. Your love gives me strength to fight for you, even when I know there’ll be obstacles that we have to face later as a group. But those obstacles are not here yet, hyung…they are imminent but if we’re strong enough, we could deal with it. You’ve got to have faith in yourself, in Jaejoong-hyung and in the group. Can you think of a life without Kim Jaejoong, Jung Yunho-sshi?”
“I…I can’t…”
“I thought so. And I believe Tong Vfang Xien Qi will be over long before you guys are through loving each other. Isn’t that worth the fight?”
“I would sooner kill myself than ruin Tong Vfang Xien Qi’s success because of my selfishness.”
“Then what are the rest of us then if we hinder your happiness for the group’s achievement? That’s also selfishness, hyung.”
“Yoochun and Junsu wouldn’t like the idea of Jaejoong and I being together…I don’t want us to be awkward around each other…what happened with Junsu this afternoon was catastrophic enough.”
Yunho rubs his face with his palms, and Changmin could see the wetness smeared on them. It makes his heart clench, touched at Yunho’s concern for the others.
“What happened has happened, we could do nothing about it. Junsu-hyung and Yoochun-hyung need to deal with it as much as you need to deal with your feelings for Jaejoong-hyung. It’s hard for all of us and it takes time. But if you decide to ignore it ever happening, wouldn’t that be worse? Both Junsu-hyung and Yoochun-hyung could see how in love you two are, even when they are grappling with the thought of it.”
“No one would accept us…”, Yunho adds forlornly, as a single tear makes it way down his cheek. Breaking the normal convention is definitely something hard, Changmin is aware of that, but it doesn’t mean it’s not right. Norms change as people change, and in a society that is ever transforming, Changmin thinks happiness for all is not entirely impossible.
“No one would accept you…if you don’t accept yourself first. That’s the first step to anything, hyung, the recognition of your own thoughts and feelings. Then you can think of others, if it even matters anymore.”
*
Jaejoong pretends to be sleeping when Changmin slips next to him on the wide, queen-sized bed, hugging the eldest from behind. This is not the first time for them to cuddle like this, although it has been quite some time since they did.
“Hyung?”
“…”
“I know you’re not asleep yet. I can see your eyelids moving.”
Jaejoong groans his protest, shoving Changmin’s arm off his body. Turning so that he’s facing the ceiling, Jaejoong glances at Changmin, signaling that he’s ready to listen to whatever Changmin wants to talk about.
“You know what I’m going to talk about.”
“I kind of figured, since you’ve been bugging the others one by one.”, Jaejoong sighs, tired by the day’s ordeal, “How’s Junsu?”
“He’s coping.”
“He hates me now.”
“No he doesn’t. Why would he hate you?”
“I make his favorite hyung gay.”
“You’re his favorite hyung too. And what’s wrong with Yunho being gay?”
“People will hate him.”, Jaejoong exclaims, before he continues quietly, “And then he’ll hate me.”
“No one will be hating anyone.”, Changmin sighs exasperatedly, propping himself up on one elbow to look down at Jaejoong, “Hyung, do you really, really love Yunho-hyung?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“The kind of question that needs an honest answer.”
Jaejoong fidgets, biting his lower lips. Changmin immediately recognizes the habit as a sign that Jaejoong is nervous, “…it doesn’t matter whether I really love him or not.”
“It matters, hyung!”
“Why would it matter?”
Changmin wishes he could really smack Jaejoong out of the stupidity he currently possessed. Aish!
“Because it’ll explain everything…it’ll make everything falls into places! Don’t you understand, hyung?! Junsu-hyung is terrified and angry because he thinks you guys didn’t trust him enough to let him know about this! Yoochun-hyung acts like it’s nothing because he thinks both of you are only playing around and will move on sooner or later! And Yunho-hyung thinks that you don’t love him because you never tell him so!!”
Changmin’s desperate outburst left him panting for breath by the end of it, and just when he fully grasps what he has said, he has all of his four brothers in the room, the other three breaking into the room at the sound of Changmin’s loud voice.
He sits wide-eyed on the bed, looking at all of them who are standing in front of him with tears in his eyes, breathing harshly.
“Is it only me that could see and feel the love? Or am I the real fool in this who continues to believe in something that is never real in the first place? Am I, hyung? Am I?”, his questions meet silence, and Changmin now thinks there is perhaps no hope at all. There is no space for love in all this confusion. Sniffling like a baby, he wipes his runny nose, trying hard not to cry but crying still.
“Hyung…”, Junsu suddenly says, his voice tiny but sure, “I don’t mind if you guys are together. I really don’t.”
All of them look at Junsu, who is smiling guiltily, “I’m sorry I caused today’s commotion…I didn’t mean to react like that.”
Junsu comes closer to the bed, sitting next to Changmin and pulling the youngest into his embrace, “I’m sorry, Changmin-ah…you’re right, I’ve been too blind to recognize that love can exists anywhere and between anyone. I’m sorry.”
Yoochun is next to come and sit on the bed, joining Junsu in smothering Changmin with hugs, “I’m sorry too, for being a pessimistic cynic. You’re absolutely right, there is nothing more that a friend could do than give his friend encouragement and support. I guess I have unconsciously extend my fear for my own happiness to Jaejoong-hyung…”, he turns to the eldest two as he continues, smiling apologetically, “…I’m sorry I haven’t been the best of friend to both of you, hyung…instead of telling you that you should fight for the love and backs you up, I have been holding you back. I’m sorry.”
“Junsu-ya, Yoochun-ah, Changmin-ah…it’s not any of your fault. I’m sorry I have come to love no one else but Yunho, but I promise I’ll take care of him and the group as long as I live.” Jaejoong says chokingly. Yunho is already a teary mess, standing alone at the door. Jaejoong looks over at the man that holds his heart, mind and soul, separated by the bed and his three younger brothers. Their gazes meet, and at that moment everything becomes clearer than the sun.
This is what important to them - the group and each other. Everything else is negligible factors that can take backseat for now, as they walk closer to the other three and join them for a big group hug. Tong Vfang Xien Qi is strong because of the love they have for each other, and that love includes the love between the two of them.
Linking their hands together, Yunho and Jaejoong envelope their younger brothers with their heartfelt affection, and although they know the road ahead may be littered with thorns and hardships, nothing could tear them apart as long as they love. Love, as Changmin has said, makes everything possible.
--[THE END]
yunho ♥ jaejoong | bff!ot5
oneshot | RL | pg-13
angst | drama | romance
a/n: edited version of a fic i wrote months back for a Vietnam-Cassies BDSGLove’s YunJae project. hope you guys like this :)
--
Steps to Love
There's something we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all this while
- The Fray, Never Say Never
*
Changmin realizes that love doesn't have to be all shiny and sparkly for him to notice it being there. It is more of a gradual change, a shift of behaviour that is easy to be missed if you are not paying attention enough. It is also a dangerous dance of flirtation between two people who are wary of the destructive power of their desires while living a tightly-scheduled life that permits little to no freedom at all. It is both beautiful and ugly, with its sweet moments concocted by two hearts that give without restrain, and the uncalled-for fights that tumbled because they want more but can risk none. It is easy - they fall in each other’s arms like humans seek oxygen - but at the same time difficult because they should have fallen in someone else’s.
Changmin knows and understands, even when he is the youngest and he is supposed to have the least experience love-wise. He understands it better than the other four, because he is aware that love can make anything possible - just by the acceptance of one’s feeling.
Unfortunately none of his brothers feel the same way.
*
There are few people in this world that Changmin loves more than he loves himself. His parents, his sisters and his four brothers sworn in the name of the Gods from the East are among the few. And between the five of them, Changmin feels closest to Junsu, not just because he likes to tease the older man but because he admires the strength of Junsu’s loyalty.
Junsu is difficult to understand, Changmin thinks, despite the fact that he is the simplest of them all. Because of his innocence and fervent beliefs in the faith he holds onto since young, it is all the harder to make him see that there are many facets of the world and one needs to see not only with the eyes but also with the heart. There is no artifice in the fiber of Junsu’s being, he is really as pure as a child. He is always well-intentioned although not always well-mannered, and he trusts as freely as he laughs. This is one of his good quality, but it is also what makes it sadder to see him cry and break down over the thing that happened.
Changmin knows well he should not have called what happened between Yunho and Jaejoong as a ‘thing’ - but to be honest, he doesn’t really know what it should be called. Love seems too grand to describe the falling of his two brothers, both in denial of their attractions towards each other. He is mad at Yunho and Jaejoong for being fools and for dragging them into their mess, but he also knows that there are no other people aside from the three of them who could contain this craziness.
“Hyung…”, Changmin speaks softly, rubbing Junsu’s back as the man heaves sob after sob. It is more than heartbreaking to see him like this, since Junsu is a proud man who hates looking like a weakling.
“Did you…see this…happening?”, Junsu asks, hiccups flowering his sentence. Changmin looks down to the floor in short contemplation, before nodding slightly. He has to be honest, it’s the only way to go about dealing with this madness. There are too many lies that Yunho and Jaejoong have scattered among them, and although he knows it’s not his responsibility to pick up their broken pieces, Changmin does it anyway.
“I don’t mean that I know…what they’re doing, but I do notice the attraction. It’s too obvious, hyung…and for someone who’s stuck in between the two most of the time, it’s hard pretending not to feel the bites of the spark.”, Changmin explains, toeing the carpet in trepidation. He doesn’t want the group to break apart because of this - whoever breaks apart because of love when it is supposed to bring people together?
“It’s…wrong, Min. They shouldn’t feel that way about each other, it’s wrong…”, Junsu mumbles his reply, but the words seem like they are being forced out of his mouth. Even when he’s saying the known fact out loud, his face tells how he doubts what he had said.
He needs just a little bit more time, Changmin muses.
“I can’t agree or disagree with you, hyung. For me, love materializes in many form…there are love for your family, love for nature, love for your pet, love for friends, love for things, and love that is exclusively for lovers - whether they are men or women. I think that love is not something we choose for ourselves, hyung, but instead it chooses us…that’s why when we meet the one we love, it feels like destiny…because our fates have linked us even before we know it ourselves.”, Changmin says wistfully, drawing Junsu closer with a one-arm hug. Junsu complies in silence, body molding to the youngest’s side in his trust of their friendship.
“…Some people think it’s wrong for men to hug, but we hug all the time, don’t we hyung? Our friendship is secure enough for us to feel the need for physical closeness. But for Jaejoong-hyung and Yunho-hyung, it’s not enough to just feel close physically…they are more than bounded in the hearts and in the minds. Isn’t it better that our hyung-deul are in love when they do what they do? I want to believe that whatever they did, it was not just because they can’t keep it in their pants…”, he tries to joke, but Junsu makes a disgruntled sound at the thoughts of his bandmates engaging in something of sexual nature. It is bad enough that he just had to walk in while they were groping each other like oversexed teens, traumatizing him out of speech and sending him in tears to the solitary of his room. He kept himself locked since afternoon, and only letting Changmin in after endless begging from the younger man.
“So are they…in love?”, Junsu asks fearfully, tilting his head up to look at Changmin’s face. Junsu has always believes in Changmin’s wisdom, which surpasses all the four of them combined. Changmin bites his lower lips, one eye squinting as he ponders on the thought.
“They have to be, though they act like they aren’t. Do you see how Jaejoong-hyung looks at Yunho-hyung? I bet we could have seen flowers and flying hearts if we choose to look really, really closely…there’s just so much adoration in his eyes when he saw whatever Yunho-hyung did. And Yunho-hyung is ever so protective around Jaejoong-hyung, even when we know no one would dare mess with Jaejoong-hyung and his powerful muscles. He probably thinks I’m not aware of him trying to cop a feel of Jaejoong-hyung when we’re doing interviews and such…aish, those hopeless fools. Sometimes I think they shouldn’t be allowed to love, but whenever I see them smile at each other, my guts keep telling me that such sweetness is something that I will never regret seeing in my entire life.”
Junsu seems to mull over Changmin’s words, fingers tracing the rough lining of his jeans. It is true what Changmin had said, if he was to look closely, he could see the genuine tenderness that surrounds the two eldest members. All this while, not once had Junsu remembered being tossed to the side because of their attraction….and he realizes that he’s hurt not because he couldn’t accept their attraction, but because they did not trust him enough to let him know they had fallen deeply in love with each other.
“They shouldn’t have keep this a secret from the group.”, Junsu says adamantly, lips tight. Changmin sighs, knowing well that the ice around Junsu’s heart has thawed a bit to let the warmth of YunJae love in.
“I think they’re afraid that we…would react like you did. They don’t want to gross us out.”
Junsu looks down at this, almost guilty, “I don’t think they’re…gross.”
“But your reaction told a different story, hyung.”
“How was I supposed to react when I just walk in on my two best friends making love in the bathroom???”
“Like how you expect them to react when they caught you watching porn with your hands inside your pants. Walk away, then confront them later. Not run away crying and locking yourself in the room all through the day and skipping dinner.”, Changmin chides, grinning slightly at the reddish blush that is creaming Junsu’s neck and face.
“It’s not easy, Min, to accept. My church taught me men are only to consummate with women, and I’m used to that notion. But to be fully honest, there are times when I’ve set aside my beliefs because I think there’s nothing wrong with my way of life. So I think I can…accept them being together because I love both of our hyung, but the least they could do is ask me for my consent.”
Changmin shrugs, moving to stand, “I don’t think they need your consent, hyung. Even when you don’t allow them to love, they will continue to do so. It’s like you have two stubborn kids that have set their hearts, minds and souls on a game. In their case, the game only levels out after forever.”
*
Amidst the mess of their upturned balance, Changmin has always known he could count on Yoochun. Yoochun is a person full of worldly ideals, never restricting himself to one belief and choosing instead to fall on what his instinct tells him to do. Yoochun is a traveler whose destination changes with every step of his feet, flexible enough to cope with revolutionary ideas and because of this Changmin thinks Yoochun would be the one he will have the least to worry about when it comes to unconventional love and relationship.
But oh, how wrong he was. He forgets, Yoochun doesn’t believe in a thing called true love.
“Hyung, what do you think about Jaejoong-hyung and Yunho-hyung?”
“Hmm?”, Yoochun lifts a brow up, surprised at Changmin’s sudden question. He’s sipping his coffee while watching the latest episode of One Piece, munching chocolate chip cookies in between sips, “What about them?”
“You know what happened this afternoon, right?”
“Ah…Junsu. He’ll get over it. Don’t pamper him too much, he’s not the baby anymore. In fact, he’s never been the baby in the group, you are.”, Yoochun points an accusing finger in Changmin’s direction, expression amused.
“I’m not worried about Junsu-hyung…I know he’s going to be okay soon. I’m worried about you.”, Changmin states matter-of-factly, staring at Yoochun straight in the eyes. Yoochun’s eyes widen in surprise, before he moves to pause the anime so he wouldn’t miss any of it. He then turns to face the youngest, who seems to have a lot in his mind for a serious discussion.
“Why are you worried about me? I’m okay with it…they’re just having fun, that’s all.”
Changmin sighs, dropping his head on the cushion of his chair, “Is that what you think they were doing…just having fun?”
“What else should it be?”
“Love?”
Yoochun snorts, twirling around in his seat as he reaches for another cookie to munch.
“I think you’ve romanticized what those two have, dongsaeng. I don’t blame you, it’s easy to think they are in love when in fact, they are just desperate for some tender loving care. It’s easy to turn to each other given our closeted lifestyle. Hey, whatever rocks their boat…”
Changmin’s heart constricts at the nonchalant in Yoochun’s voice, but he garners some courage to plow on, “I’m lonely too, but you don’t see me turning to any of you for some release.”
“Because you have your porn and that keeps you busy enough.”
Changmin pouts in reflex at Yoochun’s teasing reply, unsatisfied at being the target of the conversation.
“Hmm…Let say they are more than just horny men wanting to satisfy their lust…let say they are actually in love with each other…what would you think of them then?”
Yoochun quiets down, and Changmin sees as the older man swallows the cookie like he just ate something bitter.
“Relationship is hard, Min…it can ends.”
“Friendship too.”
“But friendship is more stable. There is no room for selfishness in friendship, but in relationship…there’s so many things that they would want that the other can’t fulfill. For instance, things like family obligation, marriage, kids…and success as Tong Vfang Xien Qi. Those things are important for both Yunho-hyung and Jaejoong-hyung…and to be honest, I don’t think they would ever be willing to give all that up for one another.”
“I don’t know about family, marriage and kids, but Tong Vfang Xien Qi…they don’t have to give that up if we’re here for them.”
“It’s not just us, Min…we ceased to become ours when we signed our life on that contract. We’re bounded by pen and paper, and being in relationship with each other will get them in lots of troubles.”
Changmin sighs dejectedly, “Have you ever talked to Jaejoong-hyung about this? I know you are his closest friend…maybe that’s why you’re so confident that this is not love?”
Yoochun looks at Changmin, smiling slightly, “I’m not saying it’s not love, I’m just saying that it is highly unlikely to be the sole reason for it all. Contrary to what you think, Min, Jaejoong-hyung doesn’t tell me everything. I know he…swings both ways, but I just think of it as one of his quirks. He’s just weird like that, but he’s my friend and I value him and our friendship. That’s more than enough to remind me to be accepting to all that comes with him…and for me to wish him nothing as unfortunate as love that is easily breakable.”
Changmin realizes then, that Yoochun is just being contradictory to hide the fear he has for the two eldest. He said he doesn’t believe in love, but he wrote love songs all the time. He despises marriage and its ideals, but he longs to walk his daughter to school and sings her lullaby every night. He says Jaejoong couldn’t sacrifice his needs for Yunho, but in actuality, he believes that Jaejoong could actually do that.
“Maybe you should have wish for him to have the strength to fight for his happiness instead of pretending to want nothing. That’s also what good friends do, giving each other courage when you have none.”, Changmin quips, before standing up and walking out of the music room, leaving Yoochun to his thoughts.
*
The hardest part of it all, Changmin thinks, is to make the two people who are at the core of the problem to realize what they have failed to see all this while. Fighting the attraction they have proves to be a poison that slowly worsens their anxiety over loving each other. Changmin knows this, because every time he sees Yunho running away from looking at Jaejoong, he could sense how Yunho’s steps falter, how even in the darkness he could see no one but Jaejoong. The same could be said about Jaejoong, whose face fall in disappointment every time he can’t see Yunho.
Sometimes he wishes he’s not a romantic at heart, because he keeps suffering for their love as if it is his own. If only he could make them see that they are made for each other…and that there is nothing wrong with struggling to protect what you want and love, even if it means sacrificing everything else that never matters as much in the first place.
Yunho notices how Changmin is staring vacantly at the sky outside, leaning against the balcony as he sighs to himself. Walking quietly to the youngest side, Yunho touches Changmin’s shoulder, letting him know his presence.
“Hey, what are you doing up so late?”
“Just thinking.”
“Should I ask what about?”
“You should know…because it’s about you and Jaejoong-hyung.”
Changmin’s answer makes Yunho gasp, as the older man turns around to leave. Changmin quickly catches Yunho’s arm, stopping the man from running away from him, and from running away from the reality.
“I know you love Jaejoong-hyung.”
Silence meets his confession, but he sees how Yunho seems to contemplate this and could almost hear the wheels of his thought whirring in his mind.
“He doesn’t love me.”, ah, no denial on Yunho’s part. It makes it easier for Changmin, because at least now he doesn’t have to gauge what goes on in Yunho’s heart.
“Did he tell you that?”
Yunho takes a deep breath, turning slowly to face his youngest bandmate.
“He never tells me anything.”, Yunho admits, his face falling into one of sadness. It seems that many things had occurred between the two that Changmin has failed to take note about. This running away from truth is surely taking a toll on the two men.
“About what happened today-“
“-Min-“
“-that’s not the first time, was it hyung?”, Changmin asks bravely, even though he already knows the answer. He wants Yunho to acknowledge the reality himself, and not pretend like it’s just another skeleton in the closet that could be ignored.
“How did-“
“Answer me, hyung.”
“No, it’s not.”
Changmin nods, satisfied that Yunho is taking the first step of being honest to what he feels.
“So you’re really gay?”
Yunho looks up at this, blushing in shock at the blatant question, “Min!”
“There’s nothing wrong with being gay and loving another man, hyung. We can fall in love with anyone, regardless of their gender. Why makes love a dirty thing? Unless you feel that touching Jaejoong makes you feel dirty…”
“No!”
“No?”
Yunho looks down at his feet, and suddenly Changmin hears the tears in his voice, timid and unsure, “I never feel that way when I touch Jaejoong…he’s not dirty, and he doesn’t make me feel dirty. Every time I feel like my world is moving at a speed too fast for me to comprehend, he’s there to guide me, to support me and to tell me that I can catch up at my own pace. Sometimes he makes me feel so angry I swear I could have killed someone, but he also makes me calmer than anyone could ever do. He dreams for me, and hopes for me. At times I wish I could just hate him so that all this craziness would ebb away, but that thought makes me want him and love him more. It’s scary how much I would sacrifice just to keep Jaejoong by my side…even if that means not ever telling him I love him. I can’t stand the thought of him rejecting me, Min…I’m man enough to admit I’m scared of losing him.”
Changmin blinks back the tears pricking behind his lids, moving to clasp Yunho’s hand tightly between his palms, “Have you ever think that Jaejoong-hyung feels the same way? Maybe he’s also scared that loving you would mean harming you…I’m sure he realizes how much is at stake if you guys are to be serious about this. I know I’m being a nosy third-party in this, hyung, but I can’t bear looking at my two beloved hyung denying what makes them happy and whole. I see your love for Jaejoong, and I see the love he has for you. Your love gives me strength to fight for you, even when I know there’ll be obstacles that we have to face later as a group. But those obstacles are not here yet, hyung…they are imminent but if we’re strong enough, we could deal with it. You’ve got to have faith in yourself, in Jaejoong-hyung and in the group. Can you think of a life without Kim Jaejoong, Jung Yunho-sshi?”
“I…I can’t…”
“I thought so. And I believe Tong Vfang Xien Qi will be over long before you guys are through loving each other. Isn’t that worth the fight?”
“I would sooner kill myself than ruin Tong Vfang Xien Qi’s success because of my selfishness.”
“Then what are the rest of us then if we hinder your happiness for the group’s achievement? That’s also selfishness, hyung.”
“Yoochun and Junsu wouldn’t like the idea of Jaejoong and I being together…I don’t want us to be awkward around each other…what happened with Junsu this afternoon was catastrophic enough.”
Yunho rubs his face with his palms, and Changmin could see the wetness smeared on them. It makes his heart clench, touched at Yunho’s concern for the others.
“What happened has happened, we could do nothing about it. Junsu-hyung and Yoochun-hyung need to deal with it as much as you need to deal with your feelings for Jaejoong-hyung. It’s hard for all of us and it takes time. But if you decide to ignore it ever happening, wouldn’t that be worse? Both Junsu-hyung and Yoochun-hyung could see how in love you two are, even when they are grappling with the thought of it.”
“No one would accept us…”, Yunho adds forlornly, as a single tear makes it way down his cheek. Breaking the normal convention is definitely something hard, Changmin is aware of that, but it doesn’t mean it’s not right. Norms change as people change, and in a society that is ever transforming, Changmin thinks happiness for all is not entirely impossible.
“No one would accept you…if you don’t accept yourself first. That’s the first step to anything, hyung, the recognition of your own thoughts and feelings. Then you can think of others, if it even matters anymore.”
*
Jaejoong pretends to be sleeping when Changmin slips next to him on the wide, queen-sized bed, hugging the eldest from behind. This is not the first time for them to cuddle like this, although it has been quite some time since they did.
“Hyung?”
“…”
“I know you’re not asleep yet. I can see your eyelids moving.”
Jaejoong groans his protest, shoving Changmin’s arm off his body. Turning so that he’s facing the ceiling, Jaejoong glances at Changmin, signaling that he’s ready to listen to whatever Changmin wants to talk about.
“You know what I’m going to talk about.”
“I kind of figured, since you’ve been bugging the others one by one.”, Jaejoong sighs, tired by the day’s ordeal, “How’s Junsu?”
“He’s coping.”
“He hates me now.”
“No he doesn’t. Why would he hate you?”
“I make his favorite hyung gay.”
“You’re his favorite hyung too. And what’s wrong with Yunho being gay?”
“People will hate him.”, Jaejoong exclaims, before he continues quietly, “And then he’ll hate me.”
“No one will be hating anyone.”, Changmin sighs exasperatedly, propping himself up on one elbow to look down at Jaejoong, “Hyung, do you really, really love Yunho-hyung?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“The kind of question that needs an honest answer.”
Jaejoong fidgets, biting his lower lips. Changmin immediately recognizes the habit as a sign that Jaejoong is nervous, “…it doesn’t matter whether I really love him or not.”
“It matters, hyung!”
“Why would it matter?”
Changmin wishes he could really smack Jaejoong out of the stupidity he currently possessed. Aish!
“Because it’ll explain everything…it’ll make everything falls into places! Don’t you understand, hyung?! Junsu-hyung is terrified and angry because he thinks you guys didn’t trust him enough to let him know about this! Yoochun-hyung acts like it’s nothing because he thinks both of you are only playing around and will move on sooner or later! And Yunho-hyung thinks that you don’t love him because you never tell him so!!”
Changmin’s desperate outburst left him panting for breath by the end of it, and just when he fully grasps what he has said, he has all of his four brothers in the room, the other three breaking into the room at the sound of Changmin’s loud voice.
He sits wide-eyed on the bed, looking at all of them who are standing in front of him with tears in his eyes, breathing harshly.
“Is it only me that could see and feel the love? Or am I the real fool in this who continues to believe in something that is never real in the first place? Am I, hyung? Am I?”, his questions meet silence, and Changmin now thinks there is perhaps no hope at all. There is no space for love in all this confusion. Sniffling like a baby, he wipes his runny nose, trying hard not to cry but crying still.
“Hyung…”, Junsu suddenly says, his voice tiny but sure, “I don’t mind if you guys are together. I really don’t.”
All of them look at Junsu, who is smiling guiltily, “I’m sorry I caused today’s commotion…I didn’t mean to react like that.”
Junsu comes closer to the bed, sitting next to Changmin and pulling the youngest into his embrace, “I’m sorry, Changmin-ah…you’re right, I’ve been too blind to recognize that love can exists anywhere and between anyone. I’m sorry.”
Yoochun is next to come and sit on the bed, joining Junsu in smothering Changmin with hugs, “I’m sorry too, for being a pessimistic cynic. You’re absolutely right, there is nothing more that a friend could do than give his friend encouragement and support. I guess I have unconsciously extend my fear for my own happiness to Jaejoong-hyung…”, he turns to the eldest two as he continues, smiling apologetically, “…I’m sorry I haven’t been the best of friend to both of you, hyung…instead of telling you that you should fight for the love and backs you up, I have been holding you back. I’m sorry.”
“Junsu-ya, Yoochun-ah, Changmin-ah…it’s not any of your fault. I’m sorry I have come to love no one else but Yunho, but I promise I’ll take care of him and the group as long as I live.” Jaejoong says chokingly. Yunho is already a teary mess, standing alone at the door. Jaejoong looks over at the man that holds his heart, mind and soul, separated by the bed and his three younger brothers. Their gazes meet, and at that moment everything becomes clearer than the sun.
This is what important to them - the group and each other. Everything else is negligible factors that can take backseat for now, as they walk closer to the other three and join them for a big group hug. Tong Vfang Xien Qi is strong because of the love they have for each other, and that love includes the love between the two of them.
Linking their hands together, Yunho and Jaejoong envelope their younger brothers with their heartfelt affection, and although they know the road ahead may be littered with thorns and hardships, nothing could tear them apart as long as they love. Love, as Changmin has said, makes everything possible.
--[THE END]