It's a good concept, decent progression, but the progression detail moves too fast. It makes it seem like the characters are trying too hard to fit into your time line.
Also, its a lot easier on the reader if you keep the same person saying the dialogue to one paragraph. Like... "You might just live but it'll be hard..." He ran a hand through his hair as he told his patient the predicament. "But if you follow the treatment regimine, then your chances are good."
The patient turned his head, looking away from the doctor and out the window. "And if I don't want to be saved?"
"Then you'll die." Came the simple retort.
Something like that.
There are also some tense changes you can avoid to make it sound so...dull. Like...
Sungmin saw Kyuhyun’s hand trembling in the cold. Sungmin immediately ran towards Kyuhyun and grabbed Kyuhyun’s hand and stuffed it into his jacket pocket together with his own hand, grabbing on to Kyuhyun’s
( ... )
Everybody just sat there, not knowing what to do. The atmosphere was even more tense right now. Heechul accidently burped, causing all the members to glare at him. He mumbled a little “what?” when he felt members glare at him.
hahahha! my fvrite part^^ and the kyumin part is so sweet^^ more more^^
Comments 13
even though kyumin's part were short its still so sweet!
*gives you cookies*
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I so positively absolutely LOVED this so much!
SO MUCH!
&& I love the Kyumin at the end too! >__<
Yehyun <33 Kyumin <33 ♥
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YOU'RE THE GREATEST EVER SWEETIE <3<3<3
I SO LOVE THIS FIC!!
YEHYUK IS LOVE!!!!!!!!
love you~
Reply
It's a good concept, decent progression, but the progression detail moves too fast. It makes it seem like the characters are trying too hard to fit into your time line.
Also, its a lot easier on the reader if you keep the same person saying the dialogue to one paragraph. Like...
"You might just live but it'll be hard..." He ran a hand through his hair as he told his patient the predicament. "But if you follow the treatment regimine, then your chances are good."
The patient turned his head, looking away from the doctor and out the window. "And if I don't want to be saved?"
"Then you'll die." Came the simple retort.
Something like that.
There are also some tense changes you can avoid to make it sound so...dull. Like...
Sungmin saw Kyuhyun’s hand trembling in the cold. Sungmin immediately ran towards Kyuhyun and grabbed Kyuhyun’s hand and stuffed it into his jacket pocket together with his own hand, grabbing on to Kyuhyun’s ( ... )
Reply
this is so cute..
Everybody just sat there, not knowing what to do. The atmosphere was even more tense right now. Heechul accidently burped, causing all the members to glare at him. He mumbled a little “what?” when he felt members glare at him.
hahahha! my fvrite part^^
and the kyumin part is so sweet^^
more more^^
Reply
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