Debriel Big Bang entry (2012) Part 2
You Are Where I Want To Be, part II
For more information see Masterpost
Part II;
Gabriel, aged 32
Never before had Gabriel been more in need of getting so completely drunk that he wouldn't remember the night. Usually he only drank to be social, he never went over his limit and kept his mind clear. This was for two reasons, firstly because he was a doctor and sometime he was called in for an emergency and the need to be sober was paramount, and secondly because Michael had drank a lot, despite his young age, and Gabriel had never liked seeing his brother in that state, even less so with the knowledge of what was motivating him.
Tonight was different.
Everything about his day had been shit from start to finish. He'd woken up late, headed off to work only to have one patient die on him, and later had to deliver the news that a long fighting cancer patient who was a single mother of three was running out of options, and time. At lunch he had rowed with the head of neurology about how to deal with a situation and then when he finally got home he found a letter from the parole board telling him that Lucifer was up for parole in three weeks and would Gabriel like some input in the proceedings? He hadn't had a lot of time to think on the issue because he'd then realised he was late for Dean's eighteenth birthday party at the Roadhouse.
That was how he ended up here, at an anonymous bar, with Castiel walking towards him.
“Brother,” Gabriel greeted him. Of course Cas wasn't his blood brother, not like Michael and Lucifer were, but they were cousins and growing up he had spent a lot of time with Castiel and his sister Anna.
“You are inebriated,” Castiel observed, sitting stiffly next to him.
“Yeah, drunk too,” Gabriel agreed.
“Should you not be at Dean Winchester's birthday celebration?” the stoic man asked him.
“Oh, I was there,” Gabriel replied with a heavy tone. He waved his hand at the bartender who then brought over five more pretty coloured shots. They had a rapport, him and the barman.
“Things did not go well,” Castiel inferred.
Understatement of the fucking year, little cuz, Gabriel thought, but didn't bother voicing the opinion since Castiel was famous for understating things. Castiel had once referred to the loss of his twin Jimmy as 'unfortunate'. People didn't really understand him, they didn't know that Castiel's stoic face and tendencies to understate tragedy was a defence mechanism. For Castiel it was almost like if people didn't know he was feeling an emotion then he didn't have to actually feel it. Unfortunately it wasn't so, and Gabriel knew that Castiel had suffered greatly with the loss of his brother and his father's abandonment of their entire family. Anna hadn't coped all the much better, she'd taken the rebellious road. If her father didn't want her then she didn't want him or anything to do with his life or legacy. What a threesome of messed up craziness they made.
“He... he came on to me.”
“And you were... surprised?” Cas asked.
“Hell yes! Dean's just a kid, Cas, a fucked up kid trying to understand the difference between being a kid and an adult. I wasn't expecting him to kiss me and... I didn't even know he liked guys, or if he even does,” Gabriel sputtered.
“I don't know the answer to that either,” Castiel said very seriously, “but I am sure that Dean likes you. Anna and I have long suspected that he would make his intentions clear once he was of age.”
“You suspected? Why the hell didn't you tell me, Cas?” Gabriel demanded.
“Anna believed it would be more amusing this way,” his cousin confided in him. Castiel then frowned, as if considering the issue in more detail. “I do not believe she is correct. Perhaps a first hand witnessing of this would have led to much laughter.”
“Screw you, Cassie,” Gabriel bit at him and downed three of the shots consecutively. When he got to the forth he found it missing.
“I am here for you, Gabriel. I always will be,” Castiel vowed, a glass in hand as he handed the last shot back to his cousin.
They each swallowed down the vial alcohol and ordered another round.
Gabriel understood. When Cas needed a shoulder to cry on, or someone to get drunk with, Castiel would always be here for him.
That's what brothers do.
(One Day Later)
John Winchester was the last person Gabriel ever expected to see on his doorstep. Of course he'd met the man before, but only at events that involved or revolved around Dean. Dean was the one thing they had in common, the fact they both loved him and wanted to protect him, even from himself. Gabriel couldn't help but feel that the timing was suspicious.
“Hello, Gabriel,” John said gruffly.
“John. Come inside,” he invited, watching as John nervously followed him into Gabriel's home.
“I think you know what I'm here to discuss with you,” John began.
“Look, you don't have to worry about Dean's... feelings for me. I know they're just a teenage fantasy based on his childhood experiences. I'm not about to let him do something he'll regret, like act on them,” Gabriel hastened to inform John.
John stayed silent for a moment, looking around the room and taking in moments of Gabriel's life. His taste in colour schemes, the artwork on his walls, the photographs on his shelves, the wear and tear of every day life. Then he looked back at Gabriel, serious and earnest. “I know you don't like me, you see that frightened abused kid Dean was when he met you and you wonder how I let that happen. How any father could let that happen to his children.”
Gabriel's heart stuttered, but he calmed when he realised their was no way that John could know about Lucifer and Michael, about how his father had failed his brother's so badly that the children they had been no longer existed. Gabriel had always blamed his father more than his mother, like he should have known and stopped what Lucifer was doing, even though in truth his father was no more to blame than his mother. Or than Gabriel himself. “I don't hate you John. I may not think you're a very good father, but at least you're trying to make it better. That's something. And I respect that you love Dean enough to make sure I'm not going to take advantage of his emotions.”
“Thank you, Gabriel, but that wasn't exactly where this conversation was going,” there was a tone of amusement in John's voice but his expression remained serious. “I want you to know that if you ever hurt my son, I have a gun and I'm not afraid use it, but also that I know my son, he's so much like Mary... and I know that he isn't going to change his mind, or rather his heart. He loves you, for better and for worse, and maybe you won't end up together, but if you do, you both have my blessing.”
Gabriel was more than surprised. “I can't understand how you are comfortable with this?”
John shrugged. “Truthfully I never thought I'd be comfortable with homosexuality. I was in the Marines and growing up my dad was fiercely opposed to the idea, thought it was a sickness. But... I've been through enough, and seen enough to know that monsters come in many different guises, and love comes in many different forms. What matters is love, not what others consider acceptable.”
“Not only that, but... Dean was abused, sexually, by a man. How can you not think that had an effect?” Gabriel asked.
“Gabriel,” John began, seeming uncomfortable, which was pretty worrying considering what he had just told him. “Just... don't get so caught up in the memory of Dean the victim, of Dean as an abused child, that you miss what's in front of you.”
“I don't think I understand,” Gabriel admitted, which he hated.
“It isn't always about understanding, son,” John informed him with a gentle smile. “Sometimes you just gotta feel it. Anyway, I think I'll show myself out, and Gabriel, good luck with my son, whatever the outcome.”
“Thanks,” Gabriel muttered. He was beginning to believe he needed all the luck he could get.
(Two Months Later)
Gabriel had been successful in avoiding Dean for a record length of time. When he had helped Dean get out of the abusive environment that Alastair had kept him in and found him a new home with Bobby he had become a part of the boy's life, for better and for worse. Ever since they had remained in contact, Gabe had attended every one of Dean's birthday parties, been there to help with homework questions or to help him vent when Dean was angry at his father. Always just a phone call away. The longest they hadn't spoken for had been a month, and that had been during the hearings to get Dean assigned a new home.
The truth was he couldn't avoid Dean forever, nor did he even want to. So finally he found it in himself to answer one of Dean's many messages, and they arranged to meet in the park opposite the hospital that Gabriel worked in.
Dean arrived on time dressed in a leather jacket that had been his father's birthday present to him and a pair of worn jeans with holes in the knees and oil stains everywhere else. He still looked undernourished but the doctor in Gabriel knew that had nothing to do with food consumption or abuse, just the fact that Dean had recently gone through a growth spurt and was six foot tall now. He looked good, but Gabriel knew in a few years he'd look even better and men and women alike would be battering down his door for dates with Dean Winchester.
“You called?” Dean opened with meeting his eyes with angry green ones that were failing to hide the hurt he felt at being ignored for so long.
“So did you. Ninety four times. You also emailed, twenty eight times, and harassed Castiel nine times. Persistent little stalker aren't you,” Gabriel said lightly.
“You trying to tell me to go away?” Dean asked, and Gabriel could had shot himself for letting Dean think that for even a moment.
“No, God no, Dean. That's not... I just needed some time. Come on, sit down. We need to talk,” Gabriel said with a sigh. He hated being serious, his job was so damn depressing and sombre that he enjoyed having as much light-hearted fun as possible, playing pranks on his cousins or just having a laugh with Dean and occasionally Sam, too.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Dean joked uncomfortably as he sat down besides Gabe on the old wooden bench.
Good starting point, though Gabriel. “No, Dean because we're not together,” he said with heavy meaning.
Dean flushed and stared at his feet. “Yeah, I know that,” he said. “Is that why we're here? Because I kissed you and you didn't like it?”
Once again Gabriel was shocked that Dean had come to the wrong conclusion, maybe that was for the best. “Kind of. Dean, why did you kiss me?”
“Uh, because I like you,” Dean said, sounding like it was a trick question.
“I like you too, but there is a difference between liking and wanting to fuck,” Gabriel said crudely and was rewarded with Dean's flinch.
“Yeah, thanks I know that. I've had sex education, you know,” he said.
“I'm worried you kissed me because I'm someone who you trust, who's always been around and who always will be. I'm the safe option,” Gabriel outlined.
Dean stared at him in shock. “Safe? Fuck that. I risk ruining our friendship to let you know how I feel and you think that was easy for me?” He shook his head.
“I think it's easy to get attached to me romantically because we're friends. Dean, do you have many friends?” He asked bluntly.
“Don't need any,” he said stubbornly.
“Yeah, Dean, you do.”
“How many friends do you have?” Dean asked pointedly.
“I have Anna and Castiel, who are my best friends,” Gabriel said.
“I have Sammy,” Dean responded instantly.
“He's your brother,” Gabriel retorted. “Doesn't count.”
“But Anna and Cas are your cousins!” Dean said in frustration.
“Fine. I have people I work with who are casual friends, like Chuck and Balthazar, then there is my ex Kali who I'm still on good terms with, we get together for dinner every few months and catch up,” he sighed. “Dean, there are lots of people in my life who I can talk to as equals. You can't say the same thing and I need for you to have that. Sammy is your kid brother who you spend your whole time protecting to the point that you pretend everything is okay, even when it's not. Bobby is a caretaker, an adult in an authority position and me... well I'm not sure what I am but that's kind of the whole point. You need to have people around you who you can feel to talk about me with,” Gabriel had a feeling he was still failing to make his point heard, but at least if he pushed enough then Dean would realise he was serious and maybe take the next step even if he didn't know why he should.
“Right,” Dean snorted, “and where am I gonna meet these equals?” There was enough of an emphasis on the word 'equals' that Gabe got the impression that the idea of an equal was a foreign concept because Dean didn't consider himself equal to the people he came into contact with everyday. Which was stupid, the only way in which Dean wasn't their equal would be if he was superior to them, of course Gabriel was biased but that was the facts as he saw them. Still, it did give him an idea.
“Well, normally you meet them in school or at work but since you haven't made any progress in those areas yet I figure I know where you can meet some equals,” he scrawled down an address and a time on a slip of paper and nudged it over to Dean who took it hesitantly.
“And if I don't wanna go?” He asked mulishly.
“Then I'll never take you seriously when it comes to the idea of us,” Gabriel said bluntly. It wasn’t about giving him impossible ultimatums. He just wanted Dean to experience every part of life, and to have a support system in place in case things didn't go the way he wanted them to. Gabriel couldn't risk leaving him without somebody to catch him if he fell, not that he had any intention of letting Dean fall but no one knew the future and it was better to be prepared. Besides, how could he know that Dean was truly making this choice out of a desire to be with Gabriel rather than just having never explored any other choices? They both needed to be sure this was what they wanted before they took the jump.
Dean glared back at him. The dominant expression on his face was a kind of stubborn anger that hid his betrayal, but Gabriel knew the eighteen year old well enough to realise that below even that was the tiniest spark of hope, and that would be enough to ensure that Dean went to the damn address even if only once.
Dean, 18 years old
Dean arrived at the address Gabriel had given him two minutes late, because this way he wouldn't have enough time to over think things and chicken out. A part of him was still pissed at Gabe for forcing him to meet a criteria in order to take him seriously. Like he had to be able to tick certain boxes before his emotions were real; over age (check), sexual experience (limited), emotional stability (zero). He was such a fucking doctor sometimes.
Sighing he abandoned his car across the street from the church and entered the back door quietly. In side was a group of people, some were a few years younger than him but most were a good deal older. They were all sitting in a circle with a table of food and drink a few feet away. The rest of the church was shrouded in darkness giving the circle the impression of intimacy.
“Do you want to share with us this week, Max?” A large black woman with a southern accent asked in a kind voice.
Everyone in the circle turned to look at a kid, couldn't be more than sixteen, dressed in a dirty t-shirt and a pair of baggy jeans. He stared angrily at the floor in front of his worn mud-stained trainers and shook his head. “I don't want to be here,” he spat.
“Well honey you know where the door is, don't let it hit your butt on the way out!” Dean was surprised at the woman but someone in the group chuckled darkly so he guessed there was nothing unusual about her tone. “No? I didn't think so, young man. You're all here because in the past someone you trusted hurt you. I was a social worker for twelve years, I know how much the system sucks and that sometimes it can feel like there is no one to talk to, but that's not true. Not any more. The simple act of just coming to this church on this night means you have a story to tell. I'm just here to provide an audience. So, Dean, why don't you come in and tell us your story?” She said, all the while never turning around to face him.
How the hell did she know his damn name? That was slightly spooky.
Even so, Dean stepped forward and everyone turned in their seats to watch him approach. He found an empty seat in the circle, noting that there was only one chair as if they had been expecting him (Gabriel told them he assumed). He was sat next to a woman in her late forties with straw blonde hair and white knuckles and on his other side a girl about his age, beautiful but she had hard edges that she wore like a badge of honour. She was a survivor, like him.
“I'm Dean,” he said, figuring that even though they all knew his name he should probably introduce himself anyway. His throat was dry and he swallowed some spit down to stop his voice from cracking.
“Hello Dean,” the ten strangers intoned.
“Welcome Dean,” the woman who appeared to be leading the group addressed him again, “I'm Missouri. Why don't you tell us what brought you here tonight?” She invited as she watched him with shrewdly assessing eyes.
“Well, someone I care about gave me this address, told me to turn up. He reckons I need some friends, some 'equals' to talk to,” he shared, still resenting the suggestion as he avoided everyone's gazes.
“And why don't you have any friends, Dean?” Missouri asked in her kind but pointed tone.
Dean hunched in on himself. “I don't need any,” he insisted with attitude.
“Oh Dean, don't be such a fool. Everyone needs friends, and the people who come here are just like everyone else,” she said in a no-nonsense voice.
He raised an eyebrow at that. Just like everyone else? Wasn't that the opposite of why they came here? Didn't they come here because they were freaks, society's rejects? Dean's silence spoke for him it seemed.
“Now, don't be thinking you're so special, Dean,” Missouri chastised him as if he was being prideful and bragging. “Everyone has an experience that makes them wary and mistrustful. You all share the same experiences, more or less, and that's why this is a safe environment to talk about them, because you can't judge someone if it means turning that same judgement on yourself. Out in the real world it's hard to let people in, but deep down everyone is afraid of the same thing even if they don't have the same reasons for it. Everyone is scared that they won't be accepted just as they are,” she said profoundly.
“My dad beats on me, and my god damned stepmother just smiles politely and asks if I want more pie. I hate them both,” Max, the surly kid who'd been unwilling to speak before now shared.
“My ex husband used to yell at me all the time, tell me I was stupid and good for nothing, threaten to take my daughter and sons away from me if I didn't let him have sex with me... even after we got divorced I was still letting him hurt me,” the older woman next to him admitted, she looked scared even mentioning it and seemed to curl in on herself as she talked.
“My mom killed my baby brother, shook him to death, and every since she's been cold and mean and I hate being at home but I can't leave because then no one would look after my other siblings,” a woman who was probably in her mid twenties told the group, her tone full of disgust although Dean couldn't tell if it was aimed at herself or her mother.
“My dad hurt me,” the pretty dark haired girl next to him said, her voice was strong but quiet and she had an English accent. Dean was intrigued by her, which was rare for him. He so rarely felt the compunction to get close to anyone who wasn't Sam or Gabe, he'd even had trouble connecting with Bobby and his dad even though they were family.
“My boyfriend lent me out to his friends to pay of his drug debt,” a small redhead with pale skin and bitten nails told them.
Eventually after hearing more stories of horrifying betrayal by loved ones, Dean found enough courage to share a snippet of his own tail. “I was in a foster situation and my foster dad used to come into my room and... I guess the term for it is the bad-touch. I tried to tell people but after a while I just stopped talking. I got saved, though,” he tried to end the tail on a bright note.
“Does that make it better?” The English girl to his right asked.
Dean didn't understand what she was saying, he frowned and she clarified her question. “That you were saved, does it make up for what happened to you?”
Dean stared into her bruised brown eyes and knew instantly that no one saved her, she'd had to do it herself. “I don't know,” he admitted.
“Me either,” she said sadly.
Next part >>>
For more information see Masterpost
Part II;
Gabriel, aged 32
Never before had Gabriel been more in need of getting so completely drunk that he wouldn't remember the night. Usually he only drank to be social, he never went over his limit and kept his mind clear. This was for two reasons, firstly because he was a doctor and sometime he was called in for an emergency and the need to be sober was paramount, and secondly because Michael had drank a lot, despite his young age, and Gabriel had never liked seeing his brother in that state, even less so with the knowledge of what was motivating him.
Tonight was different.
Everything about his day had been shit from start to finish. He'd woken up late, headed off to work only to have one patient die on him, and later had to deliver the news that a long fighting cancer patient who was a single mother of three was running out of options, and time. At lunch he had rowed with the head of neurology about how to deal with a situation and then when he finally got home he found a letter from the parole board telling him that Lucifer was up for parole in three weeks and would Gabriel like some input in the proceedings? He hadn't had a lot of time to think on the issue because he'd then realised he was late for Dean's eighteenth birthday party at the Roadhouse.
That was how he ended up here, at an anonymous bar, with Castiel walking towards him.
“Brother,” Gabriel greeted him. Of course Cas wasn't his blood brother, not like Michael and Lucifer were, but they were cousins and growing up he had spent a lot of time with Castiel and his sister Anna.
“You are inebriated,” Castiel observed, sitting stiffly next to him.
“Yeah, drunk too,” Gabriel agreed.
“Should you not be at Dean Winchester's birthday celebration?” the stoic man asked him.
“Oh, I was there,” Gabriel replied with a heavy tone. He waved his hand at the bartender who then brought over five more pretty coloured shots. They had a rapport, him and the barman.
“Things did not go well,” Castiel inferred.
Understatement of the fucking year, little cuz, Gabriel thought, but didn't bother voicing the opinion since Castiel was famous for understating things. Castiel had once referred to the loss of his twin Jimmy as 'unfortunate'. People didn't really understand him, they didn't know that Castiel's stoic face and tendencies to understate tragedy was a defence mechanism. For Castiel it was almost like if people didn't know he was feeling an emotion then he didn't have to actually feel it. Unfortunately it wasn't so, and Gabriel knew that Castiel had suffered greatly with the loss of his brother and his father's abandonment of their entire family. Anna hadn't coped all the much better, she'd taken the rebellious road. If her father didn't want her then she didn't want him or anything to do with his life or legacy. What a threesome of messed up craziness they made.
“He... he came on to me.”
“And you were... surprised?” Cas asked.
“Hell yes! Dean's just a kid, Cas, a fucked up kid trying to understand the difference between being a kid and an adult. I wasn't expecting him to kiss me and... I didn't even know he liked guys, or if he even does,” Gabriel sputtered.
“I don't know the answer to that either,” Castiel said very seriously, “but I am sure that Dean likes you. Anna and I have long suspected that he would make his intentions clear once he was of age.”
“You suspected? Why the hell didn't you tell me, Cas?” Gabriel demanded.
“Anna believed it would be more amusing this way,” his cousin confided in him. Castiel then frowned, as if considering the issue in more detail. “I do not believe she is correct. Perhaps a first hand witnessing of this would have led to much laughter.”
“Screw you, Cassie,” Gabriel bit at him and downed three of the shots consecutively. When he got to the forth he found it missing.
“I am here for you, Gabriel. I always will be,” Castiel vowed, a glass in hand as he handed the last shot back to his cousin.
They each swallowed down the vial alcohol and ordered another round.
Gabriel understood. When Cas needed a shoulder to cry on, or someone to get drunk with, Castiel would always be here for him.
That's what brothers do.
(One Day Later)
John Winchester was the last person Gabriel ever expected to see on his doorstep. Of course he'd met the man before, but only at events that involved or revolved around Dean. Dean was the one thing they had in common, the fact they both loved him and wanted to protect him, even from himself. Gabriel couldn't help but feel that the timing was suspicious.
“Hello, Gabriel,” John said gruffly.
“John. Come inside,” he invited, watching as John nervously followed him into Gabriel's home.
“I think you know what I'm here to discuss with you,” John began.
“Look, you don't have to worry about Dean's... feelings for me. I know they're just a teenage fantasy based on his childhood experiences. I'm not about to let him do something he'll regret, like act on them,” Gabriel hastened to inform John.
John stayed silent for a moment, looking around the room and taking in moments of Gabriel's life. His taste in colour schemes, the artwork on his walls, the photographs on his shelves, the wear and tear of every day life. Then he looked back at Gabriel, serious and earnest. “I know you don't like me, you see that frightened abused kid Dean was when he met you and you wonder how I let that happen. How any father could let that happen to his children.”
Gabriel's heart stuttered, but he calmed when he realised their was no way that John could know about Lucifer and Michael, about how his father had failed his brother's so badly that the children they had been no longer existed. Gabriel had always blamed his father more than his mother, like he should have known and stopped what Lucifer was doing, even though in truth his father was no more to blame than his mother. Or than Gabriel himself. “I don't hate you John. I may not think you're a very good father, but at least you're trying to make it better. That's something. And I respect that you love Dean enough to make sure I'm not going to take advantage of his emotions.”
“Thank you, Gabriel, but that wasn't exactly where this conversation was going,” there was a tone of amusement in John's voice but his expression remained serious. “I want you to know that if you ever hurt my son, I have a gun and I'm not afraid use it, but also that I know my son, he's so much like Mary... and I know that he isn't going to change his mind, or rather his heart. He loves you, for better and for worse, and maybe you won't end up together, but if you do, you both have my blessing.”
Gabriel was more than surprised. “I can't understand how you are comfortable with this?”
John shrugged. “Truthfully I never thought I'd be comfortable with homosexuality. I was in the Marines and growing up my dad was fiercely opposed to the idea, thought it was a sickness. But... I've been through enough, and seen enough to know that monsters come in many different guises, and love comes in many different forms. What matters is love, not what others consider acceptable.”
“Not only that, but... Dean was abused, sexually, by a man. How can you not think that had an effect?” Gabriel asked.
“Gabriel,” John began, seeming uncomfortable, which was pretty worrying considering what he had just told him. “Just... don't get so caught up in the memory of Dean the victim, of Dean as an abused child, that you miss what's in front of you.”
“I don't think I understand,” Gabriel admitted, which he hated.
“It isn't always about understanding, son,” John informed him with a gentle smile. “Sometimes you just gotta feel it. Anyway, I think I'll show myself out, and Gabriel, good luck with my son, whatever the outcome.”
“Thanks,” Gabriel muttered. He was beginning to believe he needed all the luck he could get.
(Two Months Later)
Gabriel had been successful in avoiding Dean for a record length of time. When he had helped Dean get out of the abusive environment that Alastair had kept him in and found him a new home with Bobby he had become a part of the boy's life, for better and for worse. Ever since they had remained in contact, Gabe had attended every one of Dean's birthday parties, been there to help with homework questions or to help him vent when Dean was angry at his father. Always just a phone call away. The longest they hadn't spoken for had been a month, and that had been during the hearings to get Dean assigned a new home.
The truth was he couldn't avoid Dean forever, nor did he even want to. So finally he found it in himself to answer one of Dean's many messages, and they arranged to meet in the park opposite the hospital that Gabriel worked in.
Dean arrived on time dressed in a leather jacket that had been his father's birthday present to him and a pair of worn jeans with holes in the knees and oil stains everywhere else. He still looked undernourished but the doctor in Gabriel knew that had nothing to do with food consumption or abuse, just the fact that Dean had recently gone through a growth spurt and was six foot tall now. He looked good, but Gabriel knew in a few years he'd look even better and men and women alike would be battering down his door for dates with Dean Winchester.
“You called?” Dean opened with meeting his eyes with angry green ones that were failing to hide the hurt he felt at being ignored for so long.
“So did you. Ninety four times. You also emailed, twenty eight times, and harassed Castiel nine times. Persistent little stalker aren't you,” Gabriel said lightly.
“You trying to tell me to go away?” Dean asked, and Gabriel could had shot himself for letting Dean think that for even a moment.
“No, God no, Dean. That's not... I just needed some time. Come on, sit down. We need to talk,” Gabriel said with a sigh. He hated being serious, his job was so damn depressing and sombre that he enjoyed having as much light-hearted fun as possible, playing pranks on his cousins or just having a laugh with Dean and occasionally Sam, too.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Dean joked uncomfortably as he sat down besides Gabe on the old wooden bench.
Good starting point, though Gabriel. “No, Dean because we're not together,” he said with heavy meaning.
Dean flushed and stared at his feet. “Yeah, I know that,” he said. “Is that why we're here? Because I kissed you and you didn't like it?”
Once again Gabriel was shocked that Dean had come to the wrong conclusion, maybe that was for the best. “Kind of. Dean, why did you kiss me?”
“Uh, because I like you,” Dean said, sounding like it was a trick question.
“I like you too, but there is a difference between liking and wanting to fuck,” Gabriel said crudely and was rewarded with Dean's flinch.
“Yeah, thanks I know that. I've had sex education, you know,” he said.
“I'm worried you kissed me because I'm someone who you trust, who's always been around and who always will be. I'm the safe option,” Gabriel outlined.
Dean stared at him in shock. “Safe? Fuck that. I risk ruining our friendship to let you know how I feel and you think that was easy for me?” He shook his head.
“I think it's easy to get attached to me romantically because we're friends. Dean, do you have many friends?” He asked bluntly.
“Don't need any,” he said stubbornly.
“Yeah, Dean, you do.”
“How many friends do you have?” Dean asked pointedly.
“I have Anna and Castiel, who are my best friends,” Gabriel said.
“I have Sammy,” Dean responded instantly.
“He's your brother,” Gabriel retorted. “Doesn't count.”
“But Anna and Cas are your cousins!” Dean said in frustration.
“Fine. I have people I work with who are casual friends, like Chuck and Balthazar, then there is my ex Kali who I'm still on good terms with, we get together for dinner every few months and catch up,” he sighed. “Dean, there are lots of people in my life who I can talk to as equals. You can't say the same thing and I need for you to have that. Sammy is your kid brother who you spend your whole time protecting to the point that you pretend everything is okay, even when it's not. Bobby is a caretaker, an adult in an authority position and me... well I'm not sure what I am but that's kind of the whole point. You need to have people around you who you can feel to talk about me with,” Gabriel had a feeling he was still failing to make his point heard, but at least if he pushed enough then Dean would realise he was serious and maybe take the next step even if he didn't know why he should.
“Right,” Dean snorted, “and where am I gonna meet these equals?” There was enough of an emphasis on the word 'equals' that Gabe got the impression that the idea of an equal was a foreign concept because Dean didn't consider himself equal to the people he came into contact with everyday. Which was stupid, the only way in which Dean wasn't their equal would be if he was superior to them, of course Gabriel was biased but that was the facts as he saw them. Still, it did give him an idea.
“Well, normally you meet them in school or at work but since you haven't made any progress in those areas yet I figure I know where you can meet some equals,” he scrawled down an address and a time on a slip of paper and nudged it over to Dean who took it hesitantly.
“And if I don't wanna go?” He asked mulishly.
“Then I'll never take you seriously when it comes to the idea of us,” Gabriel said bluntly. It wasn’t about giving him impossible ultimatums. He just wanted Dean to experience every part of life, and to have a support system in place in case things didn't go the way he wanted them to. Gabriel couldn't risk leaving him without somebody to catch him if he fell, not that he had any intention of letting Dean fall but no one knew the future and it was better to be prepared. Besides, how could he know that Dean was truly making this choice out of a desire to be with Gabriel rather than just having never explored any other choices? They both needed to be sure this was what they wanted before they took the jump.
Dean glared back at him. The dominant expression on his face was a kind of stubborn anger that hid his betrayal, but Gabriel knew the eighteen year old well enough to realise that below even that was the tiniest spark of hope, and that would be enough to ensure that Dean went to the damn address even if only once.
Dean, 18 years old
Dean arrived at the address Gabriel had given him two minutes late, because this way he wouldn't have enough time to over think things and chicken out. A part of him was still pissed at Gabe for forcing him to meet a criteria in order to take him seriously. Like he had to be able to tick certain boxes before his emotions were real; over age (check), sexual experience (limited), emotional stability (zero). He was such a fucking doctor sometimes.
Sighing he abandoned his car across the street from the church and entered the back door quietly. In side was a group of people, some were a few years younger than him but most were a good deal older. They were all sitting in a circle with a table of food and drink a few feet away. The rest of the church was shrouded in darkness giving the circle the impression of intimacy.
“Do you want to share with us this week, Max?” A large black woman with a southern accent asked in a kind voice.
Everyone in the circle turned to look at a kid, couldn't be more than sixteen, dressed in a dirty t-shirt and a pair of baggy jeans. He stared angrily at the floor in front of his worn mud-stained trainers and shook his head. “I don't want to be here,” he spat.
“Well honey you know where the door is, don't let it hit your butt on the way out!” Dean was surprised at the woman but someone in the group chuckled darkly so he guessed there was nothing unusual about her tone. “No? I didn't think so, young man. You're all here because in the past someone you trusted hurt you. I was a social worker for twelve years, I know how much the system sucks and that sometimes it can feel like there is no one to talk to, but that's not true. Not any more. The simple act of just coming to this church on this night means you have a story to tell. I'm just here to provide an audience. So, Dean, why don't you come in and tell us your story?” She said, all the while never turning around to face him.
How the hell did she know his damn name? That was slightly spooky.
Even so, Dean stepped forward and everyone turned in their seats to watch him approach. He found an empty seat in the circle, noting that there was only one chair as if they had been expecting him (Gabriel told them he assumed). He was sat next to a woman in her late forties with straw blonde hair and white knuckles and on his other side a girl about his age, beautiful but she had hard edges that she wore like a badge of honour. She was a survivor, like him.
“I'm Dean,” he said, figuring that even though they all knew his name he should probably introduce himself anyway. His throat was dry and he swallowed some spit down to stop his voice from cracking.
“Hello Dean,” the ten strangers intoned.
“Welcome Dean,” the woman who appeared to be leading the group addressed him again, “I'm Missouri. Why don't you tell us what brought you here tonight?” She invited as she watched him with shrewdly assessing eyes.
“Well, someone I care about gave me this address, told me to turn up. He reckons I need some friends, some 'equals' to talk to,” he shared, still resenting the suggestion as he avoided everyone's gazes.
“And why don't you have any friends, Dean?” Missouri asked in her kind but pointed tone.
Dean hunched in on himself. “I don't need any,” he insisted with attitude.
“Oh Dean, don't be such a fool. Everyone needs friends, and the people who come here are just like everyone else,” she said in a no-nonsense voice.
He raised an eyebrow at that. Just like everyone else? Wasn't that the opposite of why they came here? Didn't they come here because they were freaks, society's rejects? Dean's silence spoke for him it seemed.
“Now, don't be thinking you're so special, Dean,” Missouri chastised him as if he was being prideful and bragging. “Everyone has an experience that makes them wary and mistrustful. You all share the same experiences, more or less, and that's why this is a safe environment to talk about them, because you can't judge someone if it means turning that same judgement on yourself. Out in the real world it's hard to let people in, but deep down everyone is afraid of the same thing even if they don't have the same reasons for it. Everyone is scared that they won't be accepted just as they are,” she said profoundly.
“My dad beats on me, and my god damned stepmother just smiles politely and asks if I want more pie. I hate them both,” Max, the surly kid who'd been unwilling to speak before now shared.
“My ex husband used to yell at me all the time, tell me I was stupid and good for nothing, threaten to take my daughter and sons away from me if I didn't let him have sex with me... even after we got divorced I was still letting him hurt me,” the older woman next to him admitted, she looked scared even mentioning it and seemed to curl in on herself as she talked.
“My mom killed my baby brother, shook him to death, and every since she's been cold and mean and I hate being at home but I can't leave because then no one would look after my other siblings,” a woman who was probably in her mid twenties told the group, her tone full of disgust although Dean couldn't tell if it was aimed at herself or her mother.
“My dad hurt me,” the pretty dark haired girl next to him said, her voice was strong but quiet and she had an English accent. Dean was intrigued by her, which was rare for him. He so rarely felt the compunction to get close to anyone who wasn't Sam or Gabe, he'd even had trouble connecting with Bobby and his dad even though they were family.
“My boyfriend lent me out to his friends to pay of his drug debt,” a small redhead with pale skin and bitten nails told them.
Eventually after hearing more stories of horrifying betrayal by loved ones, Dean found enough courage to share a snippet of his own tail. “I was in a foster situation and my foster dad used to come into my room and... I guess the term for it is the bad-touch. I tried to tell people but after a while I just stopped talking. I got saved, though,” he tried to end the tail on a bright note.
“Does that make it better?” The English girl to his right asked.
Dean didn't understand what she was saying, he frowned and she clarified her question. “That you were saved, does it make up for what happened to you?”
Dean stared into her bruised brown eyes and knew instantly that no one saved her, she'd had to do it herself. “I don't know,” he admitted.
“Me either,” she said sadly.
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